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DH is starting to search for his birth mother
Hi ladies! Sorry to butt in to your group, but I have some questions and hopefully you can point me in the right direction. DH was adopted when he was 4 months old (he was in foster care prior to that). It was never a "secret" and he's known this for his entire life, and his parents have always encouraged him to find out more about his birth family. DH never wanted to search, partially due to him being scared of what he might find out. The limited information we have about his birth family includes several members who were addicted to drugs and alcohol, one who was in jail, and his birth mother, who was 15, admitted to having multiple partners and wasn't sure who the father was. Recently, DH had a fairly significant health scare and we were obviously unable to provide much of a biological health history when he was in the hospital. This, coupled with the fact that we are going to begin TTC next month, has prompted him to begin to search for anything he can find out about his birth mother. Basically, I am looking for any advice you could share as we start this journey. I want to be supportive of his decision. Are there any websites or online information that offers tips to prepare for this? TIA!
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Re: DH is starting to search for his birth mother
I did a Google search and came up with this:
https://www.adopteeconnect.com/ - it's an adoption registry - a worldwide adoptee and birthparent search database
https://registry.adoption.com/ - another registry
https://adoption.about.com/od/searchangels/Adoption_Search_Angels.htm - looks like these are groups who help adoptees find their birthparents
https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_search.cfm -- This seemed to have a lot of information about searching for birth relatives and for dealing with the emotions involved as well as the process.
Maybe he can go back to the original adoption agency and ask them what the last information they have on his birthparents are or if they have contact information? (Not sure that they could give it out but maybe they could forward information from your husband to them?)
You might be able to search for a court records website in the state or county where the birthparents are from since you said some had spent some time in jail...
Not sure if that helps - good luck with your husband's search. Please feel free to post here - you're not 'butting in' at all
Hello! He doesn't know their names and I'm not 100% sure about birthdates. He was adopted through Catholic Social Services in our state, so he's contacting them to see if he can find out any information. Thanks for the links you shared!
I'm an adult adoptee who found my mother. I was also adopted through Catholic Social Services in a a closed adoption when I was about 4mo old. My agency told me to use the Soundex Reunion Registry. It's apprently very popular and what they said they tell everyone to use.
At the time I was only 16 and you have to be 18 to register so I started looking on my own. I was adopted in NY so I google "NY adoption reunion". I posted my info in the first 5 searches that came up and then I checked them regularly, like I do e-mail, for a match. A few weeks before I turned 17 I found a post that matched my situation so I responded to it and it was my mom. She didn't read posts before she posted so she never saw mine. We reunited in person a few weeks later and have been very close ever since.
Most of these websites are organized by birthdate because that is usually the only info anyone has but sometimes even that is changed. If you are 100% sure on the birthday make sure to check posts for other days and months. You'll also want to make a list of all of the other info you have even if it seems insignificant. You have the name of the agency so that helps. Do you know the name of the hospital? Social Worker? Once you have a list you'll want to include most of what you have in a post but make sure you leave a thing or two out. It's sad but people can mess with you and pretend to be who you are looking for. In my case both my mom and I compared a hosptial photo and they were the same.
When a child is adopted (at least here in our state) you don't get a copy of the original birth certificate. You have to wait for a new one with the adoptive parents names on it to be mailed to you. The original is kept on file with the state.
Not sure if I posted this link earlier...but maybe (depending on your state and its laws) you could petition to have your husband's records opened. https://www.childwelfare.gov/pubs/f_search.cfm
This is from that site:
Filing a court petition. If none of the above have been successful, adopted persons may petition the court to have the sealed adoption records opened. Whether this is successful may depend on the State, the particular judge, the reason given for the request, and any number of other factors. Petitioning the court does not require an attorney's services, but a petitioner may choose to hire an attorney.
The judge may deny the petition completely or agree to release only nonidentifying information or a summary. In some States, the judge may appoint an intermediary, such as the original adoption agency or a professional searcher, to locate the birth parents and determine whether or not they want to release information or be reunited with the adopted person. In other cases, the petitioner may be able to request the appointment of a confidential intermediary, who will conduct a search (for a fee) and determine if the birth parents are willing to be contacted.
Following these steps may lead the searcher to enough identifying information that birth relatives can be located. In cases in which the search seems to be leading nowhere, the searcher may want to review information or begin to research such things as alternative spellings of names or places. In some cases, information may have been falsified, making it difficult or impossible to continue the search without new information.
Maybe that's one thing you can try if finding the information ends up being more difficult.
Contacting Catholic Social Services sounds like a great place to start
one other thing to check into...
see if your in-laws have any information about the foster family that cared for you DH those first 4 months... If you can find them they might be able to fill in some information.
(also as a foster mom- I love hearing from past placements.)
That's great that you already heard from CSS! Good luck - looking forward to your updates!
Hi,
I was adopted as an infant as well through a local agency. My story doesn't have a happy ending, though so I want to give you that perspective. I contacted the agency where I was adopted and they contacted my birth mother. I was given her name and phone number and was able to call her. That part was simple.
We talked for a few weeks and decided to meet in person. It was.. nothing I expected. She never once, in the nearly four years she's known who I am, asked one single question about me.
One of my half-sisters answered the door and my birthmother said maybe 5 words to me the entire time I was visiting. I spent most of the time getting to know my half-siblings, which was really fun..Two months later she left her husband and 5 children to get pregnant by a different guy.
I tried to get medical information from her but honestly I don't think she has a clear medical history nor does she see the doctor regularly. She doesn't work and fits the "welfare queen" stereotype to a T unfortunately.
She gave me my birth father's name and I got in touch with him. He's been in and out of jail his entire life and I don't feel comfortable meeting him.
Just wanted to put it out there that he may not be that thrilled with what he finds and the medical history may be incomplete depending if they see a doctor regularly.