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Attachment Parenting
anna7602
member
How much "me" time is reasonable for a dad?
anna7602
member
A little bit of background: we just moved to Paris for a year for more work-life balance. For the first time since DD was born, DH does not have to work weekends. He's also home almost every night before DD goes to bed, so she's seeing a lot more of him.
DD is in school most of the week until 3pm. During that time, I am either working on my own projects (I freelance), exploring the city or dealing with administrative craaap because I'm the only one in the family fluent in French. Admittedly, I've had a lot less work than when I was in NY, but I've also had to navigate a lot more things on my own and have no social network here. It has been a lot more exhausting than I thought it would be to entertain DD on my own every day from 3pm-9pm (her bedtime) than it was in NY where we had tons of friends, play dates, programmed after-school classes, etc.
DH just joined a hiking club and proposed going hiking-without us- every Sunday (from morning to evening, since they take long car or train rides out of the city). The chances he would ever have enough free time to do this in NY are slim and I was already used to being on my own with DD most weekends there. But, 1 whole day every week seems like a lot to me, especially since I don't have a ton of other people to hang out with here on Sundays like I did at home when he was working.
So, weigh in. For more background, I think that while he is working less hours, DH's job is more stressful in a way because he doesn't speak much French and is still coming up to speed on the culture and how to relate to everyone in his office. If I were just his friend, I would probably tell him he deserves a day to himself every week. As his wife, it's harder to be objective.
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Re: How much "me" time is reasonable for a dad?
It sounds like you wouldn't necessarily object if you had your own network. Perhaps tell him that you'd like a bit more time to make some friends and then it would be ok? Could he go twice a month instead of every week? For me, I would hate to have DH away from us for a whole day every week if it wasn't work-related. But, my friend's husband never ever spends an entire day home with his family and even though it bothers her, they make it work.
The only thing I'd say is that you can't necessarily compare this situation to your life in NY. As you're pointing out, it's not about the exact time you spent doing each thing before. Life is different in many, many ways so you probably need to set new guidelines.
Good luck!
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All day every Sunday seems like a lot of time away to me but it's hard to say what's appropriate for another person since some people would probably find that fine. Is this an ongoing thing? Or seasonal? Can he just do some hikes?
Another concern is that it could limit your ability to do things without LO which may breed some resentment if you can never get away for your own "me" time.
My other thought is, will him being gone "force" you to start establishing a new network of friends/activities?
FWIW I cannot imagine how stressful it is for the everyone to uproot and move to a new country. I think PP hit a good point, that it's not NY so things will be different. It may just take some time for everyone to find a new normal.
h.e.l.l. no.
No way, no how, I would be extremely pissed that he even suggested it.
Once a month, sure, no problem. Twice a month... not really wild about it, but possibly ok. 3x a month = no. 4x a month = a really really really pissed off wife.
Now if some of those hikes could be family hikes... then that could be ok too assuming you're up for that. Or he could haul the kiddo around in one of those big framed hiking carriers and you could have a day completely alone on some of those trips, I'd be ok with that. So maybe 1x alone and the other hikes together... would that be possible?
Because really, how much "me" time do you get? Not just time alone, but time spent completely on your leisure? Not much I'm guessing. So there's no way in the world that him having every Sunday to pretend he's single and responsibility-free is remotely fair.
(and off topic... I'm completely stunned that a company would hire/transfer your DH to France without him speaking French. That seems... odd. And short-sighted of them. Do they provide language classes for him?)
I would be okay with twice a month for an all day thing. Maybe every week if it was seasonal & the season was short.
I think an evening or half day weekly is more reasonable. That's basically what DH & I do.
I agree that a "not every weekend" compromise would be ideal. However on behalf of your DH it sounds like he has worked extremely hard for a very long time and some kind of activity of his own that is not work would probably be great for him. This does NOT discount your work or your needs or your childs' needs. He also needs to experience France and the hiking thing sounds cool. If he can establish a network of hiking friends maybe this will help you meet other couples with children. Or, at least help him feel like less of an outsider in his new home. I'm sure he is also adjusting to suddenly having free time that he never had before and that could be why a full day activity sounds reasonable to him.
I think this one gets chalked up to balance and you both need to approach the topic with sensitivity and diplomacy. Which is way easier said than done..
It must be odd for your DH to go from having NO free time to all of a sudden having what seems like a lot. I wonder if he is having a hard time adjusting to being around a lot more often?
DH goes out once a week in the evenings to target shoot at various places. Plus every few months there is an all day shoot someplace. He also gets a good chunk of time (3-4 hours) on the weekend to do what he wants - which is random and sometimes we do things together or he skips it. And some times that thing is some sort of home improvement thing or work (which he likes). So he probably gets the equivalent of a full day of time "away" each week, but it's broken up. I also still do bedtime, so he does dishes and then has free time after that every evening.
I am working on carving out free time for myself, but I work and he is working part time and taking care of DD part time. So I feel like I should spend time with her when I am done working instead of go out. I'm getting past that though.
I would say if he wants to do a full day on the weekend, you should find something to do one night a week and take off when he gets home from work. That way you aren't with DD 7 days a week, ever week, and you get a break too. It would also be nice if he could take DD with him occasionally, or it could be a family hike once in a while. BUT I would be a bit peeved if he wanted to do it by himself every weekend - it seems like every other weekend would be better, and you would have more family time to explore paris together.
Agreed.
DH is kind of an expert in what he does and is fluent in other languages, just not French. He is getting language classes, but doesn't necessarily need the language to do what he does. All of his co-workers speak English, they just prefer to default to French among themselves when they're not with clients.
I don't think there's a single answer to this question - well, not a single right one.
But there are lots of factors at play here:
1) You guys are in a new place! There's a lot of adjusting to do, and being there for each other while you adjust is important, since you are the only consistent things for each other!
2) For the first time, your husband HAS time available to be doing fun things and not working! He's not going to want to give up all that.
3) He needs to form a support network as much as you do. And they might not be the same network.
4) He's getting more time at home with both of you during the week, compared to your baseline from before the move.
Blah blah blah... being a hiker myself, I can understand why he can't just do a half day. And I'd be right with him in wanting to have a whole day to myself for this sort of thing. But, especially in your situation, I think it's a lot to ask upfront.
So, I'd propose the following: he can go for that full day, every other week or every three weeks for the next three months. See how it goes. Perhaps you decide that on one of the weeks he is NOT going out hiking, YOU get the whole day (or a half day, or whatever YOU want) off. And you should consider if it's appropriate for you to go with him on the hikes (either bringing your daughter or finding a sitter - which might take a while, I realize!).
Three months from now, re-evaluate. (Of course, three months from now, hiking season will be picking up speed.
)
It's a tough call. I already know that this year, as I get back into more hiking now that my daughter isn't nursing so much, I'm going to be asking for long chunks of time where he takes her. Fortunately, I can do half-day trips, but it's still a lot to ask. And that's not even considering backpacking trips.
I hope you guys find a compromise you can work with, but remember that you can start with one plan and plan to change that plan after you gather more information about how well it's working for the family as a whole.
More Green For Less Green
I would be completely okay with that if I also was able to do something similar on my own, especially since he is spending considerably more time with you all now. I wish DH would do more activities outside of work. It would be good for him.
But, I also don't see this as an all or nothing. Is it not possible to go every other week?
I would say no to a whole day each week away for fun. You don't get that, and as someone who just moved with a toddler I totally understand the stress of not having a network.
Why not suggest instead of him going hiking without you guys that you spend Sundays (or Saturdays or whatever) exploring/hiking together. It is different, but if this one year is really all you have for work-life balance, then I would think he'd be spending more time with his family than an extra day a week away.
No way. Once a month would maybe work for us, but no more than that. He can go out in the evening after she's asleep, but weekends for us are for doing fun things together, hanging with friends, and getting caught up on household work.
Honestly there is no way I would agree to my husband having an entire weekend day all to himself every.single weekend. In my book that's a once a month thing max! I don't think your husband gets to use the well you used to be by yourself all the time, god lord isn't that a large part of the reason you moved to Paris, so you wouldn't be a married single parent?
I think the only way I would even consider such a thing was if he is home every night by 6 and sharing night time duties well and you get to take off whenever you want on Saturdays.
I would not want my husband gone 1 full day per weekend. I am not afraid to admit that would make me angry. It is great to have hobby that you can do alone, but if the hobby is going to encompass a huge part of your family time it becomes a problem. My husband loves to ski. Occasionally he goes alone, but we are teaching the kids to ski so we can do it as a family.
Would he be interested in taking easy hikes as a family? To make it more interesting to your daughter you could do geocaching or letterboxing.
ETA: Not to sound creepy, but you have a great smile.