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Blended Families
Sigir
member
Replying to asinine emails?
Sigir
member
Just curious the opinion of the collective wisdom here. Exh writes long, detailed emails on things to me. He thinks he is king of the logical argument so you can tell these emails have been crafted for hours and they are very long. The are also usually based on some idiotic premise that makes no sense. The latest one is regarding custody and that my dc is not being challenged enough in school so dc should move to his home where the school is a tiny bit ranked higher than the school we are in. And we are currently in one of the best school districts in the state. I think the issue is that my dc was in private school last year, so yes, dc is ahead of the pack- however dc is being tested for the gifted program on the 28th so that will help, if dc gets in. But I don't think a school move is the answer and would be totally disruptive to dc in many other ways.
I used to argue back, and these email exchanges would go on for days and be very upsetting. But my dh and lawyer both say there is no point arguing with a crazy person and that the court does not care about this level of detail. I always feel in the back of my mind though that if I do not argue back, in a way I am either agreeing with him or showing the court I do not care.
What do you all think? Do you argue back with asinine things your exes/ bms say? Should I just follow my lawyer's advice and not worry about it? I just feel that by being very short in my reply, as my lawyer usually advises, he could try to prove to the court that I don't care.
I hate this!!!
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Re: Replying to asinine emails?
"Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience." - Source unknown
He does it because he gets a rise out of you. You don't have to engage him. You say his arguments are flimsy and long winded. He spends hours thinking of how to irritate you and then you respond and make all his plotting worthwhile. Don't give him the satisfaction. Don't worry that he will show that you don't care by not responding, you have a court order. It is in effect. If he wants to change things, then he can initiate going back to court. Just go on with your life - your DH and lawyer have given you sound advice. Good luck. It gets easier to ignore after practice.
XH has this need to be smarter/better/faster than everyone else. He puts up this stupid facade, and everyone who knows him sees through it. He used to send me emails with crazy assertions, (once he claimed he was filing Chapter 11 bankruptcy, and that's only for businesses) and I would call him on obvious BS or stuff that didn't make any sense. We would argue.
What I would do is just reply with something close to what you posted, and then basically shut down the conversation. "As you're aware, DS is being tested for the gifted program later this month. We can discuss reevaluating things after we get those results." That way you neither blow him off nor encourage him.
No one is going to claim that you don't care.
^^ Exactly. My husband and I use a lot of "I'm sorry you feel that way" and "we'll just have to agree to disagree" when dealing with BM and BF. the only reason we even reply is because our attorney said that some Judges may take a lack of response to be consent (we had a problem with this once and the Judge told my husband if he didn't agree to what BM was proposing, he should have clearly said "no").
And then follow up with what PP said: have a glass of wine and giggle about how frustrated he is and how much time he wasted in those emails.
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This! We have a similar saying: don't wrestle with a pig because you both get dirty and the pig loves it
Don't even answer him. He isn't doing this because he cares about his son. He is using your son as the only tie to you.
I would not "NOT" respond.
What I would do is write out a very quick summary back of his long winded post. Then I would let him know that you will discuss this with your DH and Lawyer and that if you find any merit in his request/posutlation you will get back to him.
CC your lawer every single time.
Do this for a couple reasons. First, it does look good that you are at the very least acknowledging him - as long as he is not being beligerent.
Second, by being able to summarize his long-windedness in 2-3 sentences, you are continually pointing out what a blow-hard he is.
Third, you are letting everyone know that you are not tacitly agreeing with him by being silent, but in fact are NOT agreeing with him by not sending a second response.
This is very important because no response CAN be seen as an agreement if he words the long windedness properly (and if you overlook that one small phrase becuase he is so long winded, wont you be screwed).
I am a firm believer in the summary e-mail. And this is YOUR summary email to his stupid.
Absolutely not, do not reply to assinine emails. If there is something in it pertaining to something that DOES matter, reply to only that.
DH has custody of SS and BM is always emailing him about SS's hygiene. She says he needs a shower every night and after his shower he needs to be rubbed with oil on his entire body (this is what she does to him on her visits, he is almost 9 years old). DH won custody of SS because BM failed to enroll him in kindergarten and then he was failing 1st grade. With catching up in school being our main goal, DH really isn't concerned with BM's "hygiene" issues. Whenever she writes about things like that he simply ignores her.
The court is not going to take your child away and place him with your XH just because schools in his district are rated higher. Even if they were WAY better schools (not just a little better like you said) that is simply not enough.
Don't engage him in stupid sh!t and only correspond with him on issues that matter, visitation, pickup times, holidays...that sort of thing.
If you can bite your tongue long enough (and it may take years.....) he will eventually give up. I find it very interesting that he spends hours a day crafting an email to you....can you say hung up much? He needs to get over you and find something else to do
We learned to use very short, straight to the point, e-mails to BM, who still replies with long rants regardless of the topic (i.e. long giant vent when you send the air ticket itinerary).
Don't take the bait!
I would check out the psycho-ex wife site, they are not fully active but they have very helpful tips on dealing with this kind of people.