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Austin Babies
Advice for a friend please (car seat related)
Y'all know I'm a car seat safety freak. I send people messages on Facebook when I see pictures of infants/kids in their seats wrong. I have stopped parents in parking lots when I see chest clips positioned too low and straps to loose. Love me or hate me, I will not let a baby die just so I don't step on someones toes.
A close friend of mine recently had a car seat snafu with her LO and DH. She dropped off kiddo at DH's work. LO had to go potty so they went inside while my friend left. When DH got back out to his vehicle, he realized he didn't have a car seat in it. Instead of calling or texting my friend to turn around or call someone who had a seat etc , he drove home with LO ( ~4yo who is usually in a convertible car seat) in the adult seatbelt. He says he took the back roads and never got above 35, as if that helps or something.
He's already apologized but really, is that enough? To say I'd be livid if DH did that with either of our kids is an understatement. To me it's just as irresposible as leaving a baby unattended in a bathtub or going in the store and leaving your baby in the car alone. The risks are far too high even if the chances are low.
What do you say? What do you do? How far do you take it? I'd be inclined to go all punishment on hisass and tell him he has to write an essay about car seat safety and research the statistics on child injuries when wearing an adult seatbelt. There's at least a dozen different things he could have done and he chose what was probably just easiest for him. There were plenty of other options. I want to beat the tar out of him myself.
ETA: As I mention below, yes, she asked for my advice. And in turn I'm asking for yours because I need perspective. I imagine this sweet child dead and I can't think clearly about the issue because of that.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Advice for a friend please (car seat related)
I think this is one of the situations that I would have to think heavens that my child was unharmed, make sure DH knew it was never, ever, ever acceptable to do in any situation again, and then let it go. Making him feel like an 8th grader by writing an essay isn't going to fix the situation. But talking to him like the adult he is, you have a chance of making him see how important it is. I'd probably sit down with him, present the facts, and then say that I didn't care WHAT I was doing at that moment - I'd come pick them up in a heartbeat if needed.
I'm not saying she doesn't have every right to be livid - she does. But I don't think giving him a "punishment" is an acceptable way to handle that anger.
He apologized. I'm sure he realizes the error of his ways. I can only imagine his wife has had him through the ringer over this. Let it rest.
Did she ask you to come up with a punishment for her husband? I didn't see you mention that in your post. If not, it's really not your place to decide whether or not her husband's apology is acceptable.
If she did, I'd start with treating him like an adult. My DH would tell me to go *** myself if I told him he had to write an essay. And, I'd say the same thing to him if he gave me an assignment. We are equals, no matter what mistakes we make.
This, I'm sure he feels really bad about it.
No. She asked for my advice. I'm the one who thinks there should be some kind of penalty for his actions.
So nobody cares that they could have died? Really? If they had died. Then would everyone say "Oh, that's OK. Mistakes happen." I feel like it's a pretty big disregard for a child's safety. If you read about it in the news, you'd be all understanding and forgiving? What if you found out your Nanny or babysitter did it? Would they still be employed by you?
Your babysitter or Nanny is not your equal. Your husband is. I'm not saying she should brush it off, but giving him a punishment? Really? That's not how I choose to treat my husband. We respect each other and we realize that we are both capable of making mistakes - big ones and small ones. Even in the big mistakes, I choose to love him and treat him like an adult, not a child. I'm not going to rule over him and dole out punishments for mistakes, no matter how big they are.
I absolutely care that her child could have died. Absolutely. But hammering the point home over and over is not going to help. I can't imagine that this man is such an idiot that he would do something like this again.
This man is not your nanny or your babysitter. He's your friend's husband. By your logic, should your friend divorce him for this incident? No. That would be ludicrous. It was a mistake. A lucky mistake. He will never do it again. Let.it.go.
I had to go back because I didn't see where anyone said they didn't care that the child could have died. I still don't see it.
If this were a story in the news, I would think it was tragic and I would be forgiving. Yes, it is a blatant disregard for a child's safety. However, it was a mistake. If he does it again, then I think she'd probably want to have a talk with him and maybe I'd even tell him that I'm uncomfortable with him driving alone with DD. Depending on the circumstances, sure, I can imagine firing a nanny who did the same thing. I can also imagine a situation where I wouldn't fire a nanny for it.
But, my DH is not my hired hand. He is not my child. He is not my employee. He is my equal. I make mistakes all the time. I don't get punished for them, because I am not a child and DH is not my superior. I don't want to be in a relationship where one of us is allowed to assess penalties upon the other for mistakes made.
You know, Taytee, it just dawned on me that of course this person's behavior would terrify you. You see the worst of the worst on a regular basis. We don't. This dad doesn't. No one ever thinks they'll be a statistic. I totally understand why this person's behavior terrifies you and thus angers you. You know what can happen. I'm sorry if I was snarky in my posts. I wasn't seeing this from your point of view.
I do still agree that punishing this man for his behavior isn't the way to go, but I totally get why this scars the bejeebus out of you. You are right to be concerned. If I was in your shoes, I would have probably has a similar gut reaction.
What would you tell him if he drove around with your daughter out of her car seat?
I'm pretty sure Taytee was being sarcastic about the essay thing, but I would be inclined to sit down and show him crash test videos so he truly knows what would have happened to his child's little body in a crash.
My concern would be what he is apologizing for. Is he saying he's sorry because she's pissed, or is he saying he is sorry because he showed blatant disregard for his child's life? If he truly knew what the risks were, would he have done it at all? If he didn't know, then how can he truly be apologetic and remorseful? I mean, did he know it was wrong when he was doing it and did it anyway?
I wouldn't want to be all "You suck, you're an unfit father, etc, etc" on him but I would want him to know the real risks of what he did so it NEVER happened again. If he was aware of what can happen, then that's something else altogether.
You know I'm just as much of a car seat nazi as you are, Taytee- didn't we discuss the total ineptitude of the S&W seat technicians the other day?? We carried DD's seat onto the planes on our trip last week, she still rides RF at 4y3m, I won't take a cab with her, she's not allowed to ride in a seat that isn't installed by myself or somebody else I trust completely (which is a short list. um, you? can't think of anyone else...), and if she were going to be going to school that provided transportation I would STILL drive her myself because IMO it's the safest option. You can't protect them from everything, but you CAN make them as safe as possible in the car. You can't control other drivers on the road, but you CAN make sure they are properly restrained in your car.
I have watched crash test videos, lots of them*, and they are heart wrenching and emotional even with dummies. Every time I see one I can't help but imagine Hadley's face superimposed and it's what has made me so stringent about how our seats are installed and how she is buckled.
*I don't have some strange fetish for torturing myself with what if's. It's hard to find tests that show an improperly installed seat or incorrect harness usage/fit because most are RF vs FF, no seat, etc. I still haven't found any good ones because I can only watch so many of the videos at a time.
I appreciate everyones advice and point of view. It really has helped. No, I do not in any way shape or form think divorce would be the answer!!! But I can see how you would think that by my very poor analogy.
You're probably right. This is one of those situations where he knows he was wrong and there isn't anything else that needs to be said or done to make sure it never happens again. But just in case, it would make me feel better if y'all would tell your DH's "OMG, this crazy girl Taytee that I know from the nest has this friend whose husband.... YOU would never do that would you???"
Actually I wasn't because I'm nutso like that
but my DH too would probably tell me to go *** myself 
Consider it done!
I think this is very true, and I for one am glad that there are people who are willing to say something. Not every parent makes good decisions for their child/ren, and sometimes it's simply that they don't know better. This is coming from someone, though, who also says something to parents improperly using and/or NOT using car seats. I felt like the essay comment was an exaggeration, but I can see wanting SOMETHING more than as simple apology. As m_and_m pointed out, he might have been apologizing more that she was upset rather than for what he did. A mistake is one thing - doing something stupid because you were being lazy or taking easy way out is another. (DH and I have this fight quite a bit, although not over anything nearly so serious.) I'm honestly not sure how I would handle it, but I do know that an apology would not immediately make it better. Hopefully whatever she does, the fact that they went through this at all will be a huge reminder if ever faced with this again. It only takes once to be disasterous.
"There is a fine line between a princess and a witch...thinking you're one does NOT give you the right to act like the other." my grandmother
Unfortunately, this is a horribly awful mistake that people do make.
One of my previous nannies' nephew died because her sister took him out of his carseat to hold him on her lap (in the front seat) because he was feeling sick and fussing in his carseat.
Their mom was driving and bent down to pick something up off the floor of the car and she was going too fast and crashed into a barrier on the side of the highway.
It was heartbreaking.
You just don't think that things like this can happen, but they do, in a heartbeat.
I agree with pp that there's really nothing that can be done about your friend's husband's horrible and dangerous decision. I guess I would just make him swear and promise not to EVER EVER do it again.