The word 'NO'...

Sawyerplus1 · February 2012

is ALL we hear from DS right now. He's always been a bit of a difficult kid (his 'terrible 2s' lasted from about 1 year old to 3.5 years old...), and recently we've felt like we've come out of this fog. He was being more sweet and listening better, cooperating better, etc. I was so excited!

But for the past 2-3 weeks he has been ABOMINABLE. No matter what I say to him, ask of him, tell him to do, etc, he says 'no' to me, yells 'no' at me, refuses to do what I ask until I have to physically grab him, at which point he throws a tantrum. DH and I are at our wits end with him!! It has seemed to come out of nowhere and he is just so miserable all the time! Is this a 4-year old thing? Can anyone relate? i'd love some tips or encouragement!

Of course DH and I are being consistent and united in our efforts, and constantly ask/tell him to stop saying 'no' to us, but it's been nonstop. His voice is actually hoarse from all the tantrums he's been having, which was not common for him in the past.

I should also mention that he's been sleeping terribly for a few weeks now too, like waking up 4-5 times a night, sometimes from what seem like nightmares, sometimes to pee, sometimes just b/c. So he's obviously tired during the day, but hasn't napped since he was 2, and if he does have the occassional nap, it messes his nighttime schedule even more. He's even woken up at night and got himself into such a state (screaming, begging that the bathroom light be on [something he can do himself], etc) that he barfs. Again, highly unusual for him.

Any insight? TIA!

KathrynMD · February 2012

have you asked him why he says no to everything and why he's waking up so much?

Have you suggested to him that the 2 may be connected?

I pretty much ignore DD if she gets really unpleasant. If she can't put on her shoes/clothes, etc. to go to Chik Fila/birthday party or whatever, that's her loss. If its something we need to do, I'll still tell her we're not going to school/Grandma's, etc. until she does XYZ. I'd rather be really late one time and miss something she likes than have a daily struggle. I don't necessarily put her into time out, but I'll walk away and ignore her. I just cannot get into a power struggle w/ a 3 yo, so I'd rather walk away and leave it up to her and let her deal w/ the consequences. We skipped a book before bed last week b/c she stalled out the the ying yang and yelled at me, etc. she cried when she realized there would only be one book (instead of 2) but I hugged her and reminded her what she did and said "maybe tomorrow you can make a better choice so we can read both books, and that's the last night we've had that fight. If she starts stalling again, I'll remind her if she wants one book or two and that gets her back on track.

Sawyerplus1 · February 2012

KathrynMD:
have you asked him why he says no to everything and why he's waking up so much?

Right, I should mention that DS has a severe speech delay, both verbal and receptive. He's in school now and it seems to be helping a fair amount, but his receptive skills are still lacking. For instance, any time we say something like, "You are not allowed to do a,b,c, because of x,y,z. Do you understand?", he always says "no" he doesn't understand. It's so frustrating because I don't know where my expectations for his age begin and his speech delay ends, kwim?

Anyway, we of course do our best to not engage when he's being miserable, but sometimes we have to. We stay calm as best we can, but when he screams at us repeatedly to turn the light on for him, and we say calmly "DS you can do it" but he still freaks out, it's exhausting. And we praise him when he does do something himself.

kmhunt11 · February 2012

Have you talked to his speech therapist? I was chatting with a friend yesterday whose daughter has/had speech delays. She kept the therapist in the loop so he could work through the issues with her because they really came down to communication problems. It sounds like the no's are a communication break down, combined with being over-tired. Hopefully if you're consistent with not buying into the nighttime "needs" it'll pass soon and things will get better. In the meantime, I would make it clear that if he is going to choose to be unpleasant, he is going to have to do it in his room. I would take away anything that would make going to his room an incentive. Just this afternoon DD yelled no at me when I asked her to eat her sandwich (that she asked me to put in her lunch today, but she didn't even take a bit of at school). I calmly got up, took her hand and let her up to her room, calmly saying that it is not ok to talk to me like that. She stayed in her room for 10 min, and she agreed to come down and be nice. She yelled no at me again about something else and we repeated it. I'll do it as many times as it takes for her to stop being rude to me. I am not authoritarian, and will make exceptions, give choices, even negotiate, but I will not tolerate her being rude to me anymore. It takes huge restraint on my part to not get angry and yell sometimes, but it's important that she knows that it is her behavior that is unacceptable, not her. Also, that she is not going to her room because Mommy is mad, but because of her actions/words.

livinitup · February 2012

At 3.5 we went through an awful "spoiled behavior" phase. It was very frustrating until I started recognizing it as "spoiled behavior" and teaching that it was not appropriate. We re-instituted TO's and she earned them for saying 'no', bratty behavior, dismissing food. I would not engage in any way that that escalated to a tantrum - she can pout or cry in a TO, but I don't engage when she's mad or force her - it never works for us, so I don't. I will wait her out FOREVER, so that's my line in the sand. All that hard work paid-off for a very nice 4 yo stage. it's lovely.

KatFCo · February 2012

Some of it might be a stage transition. A few months before every birthday, DD goes through a few weeks/months of tantrums, emotional outbursts, etc. Gradually, we work through it and things calm down.

It could also be, as PP said, communication breakdown. He's frustrated over not being able to communicate his wishes.

With DD, when she started exerting her independence and saying no a lot, we told her that wan't appropriate and encouraged her to express herself more politely, i.e. "Please, I don't want to" or "No thank you."

Is his sleep being disturbed by any noise? Perhaps a noisemaker would help. I've found DD's sleep is really disturbed when she has too light a blanket on (I have the same problem) or doesn't have a white noise machine.

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