DH financial vent- feedback welcome!

SareBear30 · February 2012

Let me preface this by saying that my DH is a wonderful, ethical man. However, he has a bit of a chip on his shoulder and it causes some difficulties in the financial department of our home.

Backstory- he struggled through law school and when he got a job, even though it's what he wanted (with the state), over time he started to be upset about his friends (there and otherwise) moving on and up and making more money. He has been looking unsuccessfully for a job for a while.

What this leads to is an incredibly difficult to deal with attitude regarding gifts or "help" from either of our parents (or people in general.) When we got married he sucked all the fun out of registering for gifts and out of the showers because he didn't want people to get us gifts. For our wedding. Indifferent

He sees no problem with giving people gifts though. Big gifts. Or offering to throw showers for others. But when other people give us things (mainly parents, he has relaxed some now with friends) then he sees it as a handout.

Its always a fight when we go out to eat with friends or family as he always wants to get the check. He says it's because it works out in the end, but I don't feel like it does because he pays more than he lets others pay for us. Which would be fine if we had tons of money, or weren't trying to save for things. But we don't have tons of money and we are trying to save.

Most recently, the problem is this. He has a 1998 jeep that is dangerous to drive. It also has problems with the AC, the locks don't work, the windows don't all work, and the back door won't open. He has been supposed to get a new car for years but has yet to be able to save for it or adjust his monthly spending to afford a car payment. It's an ongoing issue and stresses me out a lot.

My mom wants a new car and wants to give me hers. 1. because it's a few years newer and nicer (and safer) and I would be able to drive it longer than I could drive mine. 2. Then DH could drive mine until he got around to getting his new car.

DH's response is: my car is unsafe, but it's been that way since I got it. We don't need your parent's help, but if you want to take the car and trade yours in, fine. However, I will continue to drive my unsafe car until I upgrade.

My mother's response: this is ridiculous. I don't need this stress! Why does he have to make everything so difficult!?! I've had it with him and I'm going to let him know!!! I'm not going to drive a $50,000 new car while my daughter is in a 10 year old car with 125,000 miles on it! (As much as it stresses me, I almost want her to call him and chew him out for being so ridiculous. I'm just so sick of it!)

Crying Angry Confused I feel all of these. I understand DH's point, but I also feel like it's not fair for him to say what I can and can't accept as gifts. And it's hard to see his sister and her DH accept tons of money from their parents and my little brother inherit over $200,000 when our dad died (I got nothing, it's another long story) but I can't take anything from my mom (who wants to give it to me.) I'm tired of the stress of his attitude with this. If you've made it this far, thanks. And if you have any words of wisdom, please let me know!

rssnlvr · February 2012

My first thought is that it's not really any of your mom's business what cars you and your husband drive. What she drives has no bearing at all on what you're driving (meaning, she shouldn't make her own purchases based on what her married daughter has). I didn't read it as your husband saying what you can/can't accept as a gift...he told you to take her car and trade yours in if you want. He shouldn't be forced into a vehicle change b/c his MIL has car guilt. And 125,000 miles isn't that much anymore. Most cars are great to 200K miles and beyond.

Now, that said, I don't disagree with you. It would be a lot easier on everyone if he would lighten up a bit and learn that not all gifts are handouts. But I'm a lot like him and really don't like taking much financial help from my parents, especially now that we're married with a family of our own. My thinking is that we have a family income, we have two steady jobs, we should be able to make things work with no help from anyone. I have a negative connotation associated with accepting help from my parents because my little sister gets a TON of help from them and I think it's mooching in a lot of ways, and probably not helping her learn to take responsibility for herself as an adult. But that's my own tangent.

Anywho, I don't think you can make him take gifts. If it makes him uncomfortable and stresses him out, that's kind of counterproductive, right?

FireChiefsBride · February 2012

I assume you've sat down and said "now what" to him already? Does he see what he's doing? I'm sorry, that sounds like a crappy situation. And we all know that as fab as majority of our husbands are, there's always a challenge.

I would take your mom's car (sweet!) and sell yours, putting the cash in a savings acct. That's wonderful that she's helping you out. He can keep driving his junker as long as he wants- you and future children(?) won't be riding in it.

I hate to even say it, but I know every dynamic is different. Have you asked either of his parents how to deal with him? DH is so remarkably similar to his dad that in the beginning I was calling MIL for advice on how to handle situations. She had great advice bc she's already been through all that w FIL- plus she raised DH.

agran · February 2012

My DH is exactly like this!!! It kills me that his sisters get tons of cash and DH won't take it when offered. Like yours he has loosened up a little but not much.

What has worked for me is to use reason. You guys are trying to have a baby right? It is not a good idea for him to have a car that you absolutely can not put a baby in... even in a pinch. You are being offered this option and he should jump on it. It's not a gift or a handout... it's a way for your mom to get rid of her car in a way she feels good about. I assume your mom gives it without strings attatched. My DH doesn't like big gifts like this because his family always expects special treatment so he doesn't want to be "tied" to them. But this is your mom not his so hopefully there won't be an issue.

Not much other advice other than I feel your pain. Although I have to admit it's nice that we don't "owe" anything. Although it sucked that DH's mom paid for his sister's IVF cycle and I'm paying off my 16K loan every month. I'm bitter but I get over it most times unless it's important. This car situation is important.

OrangeFelt · February 2012

I'd be irritated also, especially since he knows both of your cars are somewhat unsafe. Safety is a big deal, and like agran said - especially if you're TTC!

So what would he think if you "bought" your mom's car instead? Sell your car on craigslist, and give your mom a cut in exchange? It sounds like your mom may not accept it, but its a good bargaining chip if you want to spin it to him that way.

SareBear30 · February 2012

Thanks guys. I definitely don't want to be relying on my parents' handouts, and I never ask for help, but when it's offered, I would like to be able to take it. I don't want him to be uncomfortable, but I sometimes feel its unfair that he gets to say what I can or can't have, so to speak, when it's something that affects us both (money for furniture, car, house repairs.)

My car is pretty safe, but the original goal was for him to buy his new car several years ago, so that I would be getting a new one around this time. I think part of what irks me is that I would be more ok with his position if he did handle his money better. But here is an example: he has two friends who want to go to Vegas. We talked about it in November and I said that I was fine with it if he a) got a new job and had the increased finances or b) got such a steal that it didn't come out of savings (which he takes from every freaking month.) Basically, I said it was fine so long as it didn't affect him getting a new car. I kinda thought that was the end of it and that he understoof it wasn't in our budget.

So then I found out I was pregnant and that same farking week, he books the tickets. His rational is that he will just get the car later, but definitely before the baby. The more we talked, the more he says he understands that he shouldn't have done it, but it was an impulse, he is so unhappy with work and wanted something to look forward to. (as if the baby wasn't enough.)

But it's this irresponsibility that makes me feel frustrated, because maybe we would be able to afford more and I would feel more likely to reject stuff from my parents if he wouldn't do sh!t like that.

YellowUmbrella · February 2012

Just assuming from some of the phrasing you chose, do you guys keep your money separate (his vs. yours)? If so, have you thought of combining things?

I know that different things work for different people, but I think the fact that my H and I have all of our money in joint accounts helps us to stay on the same page with both spending and saving. Even if you don't want to combine, maybe you need to get everything down on paper together so that you can look at the bigger picture than just your money and his money, especially since it sounds like the things you want will benefit the whole family rather than just one of you.

And we've had better luck thinking of things in terms of "Here are our goals (car, kids, house, retirement, etc.) - what do we need to do to get there" rather than just thinking of cutting spending.

Abrooks · February 2012

I would say there is a lot going on here and a lot of it comes down to the fact that he and you have different views on money and how you spend it, save it, use it and it's definitely affecting your marriage. I would consider taking a Financial Peace University class. It not only deals with how to make a plan (and stay on a plan) for dealing with debt and savings but also how to come to common ground on attitudes on money in a marriage and work through some of those difficult topics.

Sorry - can't make this a clicky in chrome:

https://www.daveramsey.com/fpu/home/?s_kwcid=TC|6886|financial%20peace%20university%20classes||S|b|4901617826&gclid=CKyzqNmRo64CFWm-tgodQxJ3Pw

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DH financial vent- feedback welcome!

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