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August 2011 Moms
Need a little insight
A little FYI--my DH and I tried for 3 years to get pregnant, ended up having 4 IUI's before getting pregnant with my son. Getting pregnant and having my son has changed my life and I am so in love with him and because I so badly wanted him and waited so long for him, I'm very posessive of him and just want to be with him all the time. I don't ever want to feel like it's "old" and that I'm ungrateful because I was so desperate to have a baby. That being said, I'm feeling more and more like a failure everyday. All I hear is "You are not good enough". I feel like I'm failing my son, that I can't make him happy all the time, that he's sick of me or doesn't like me. The more I feel like that the more I try to compensate by being super mom and I'm exhausted and feel myself shutting down, which of course sends me into spirals of guilt. I'm not sure what to do anymore. It's becoming harder and harder to try to tell myself I'm doing a good job because I really don't feel like I am. I'm told I'm doing a wonderful job but I just don't see it. The joy of parenting is being overtaken by feelings of guilt and failure and I hate that. I don't want to look back on this time and regret anything.
Anyways....I'm not sure if I'm really asking for anything in reply. Just needed to vent out my feelings because I've got no one to talk to about it. Thanks for listening!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Need a little insight
I'm sorry that you're feeling this way. I think some guilt is normal with parenting, but it sounds like you're probably putting too much pressure on yourself.
A baby is not going to be happy 100% of the time and we can't protect them from ever feeling negative feelings. We're not supposed to! Just think - if they got through early childhood never being unhappy for a second, they'd be totally unprepared to go to school and face the rest of the world.
I think that it would help for you to talk through this with someone - maybe another mom that you know or even a counselor if you're feeling very depressed. Remember that a happy mom makes for a happier child (I should know - my mom had pretty severe depression for awhile when I was a kid!).
I agree with what LincolnGirl said.
Also, I am no expert, but from what you are describing, I urge you to speak to a professional.
::hugs::
You are doing a great job. Part of that is asking for help when you are feeling down & out. Call your doctor today and mention how you're feeling.
((Big hugs))
I agree with ST. Reach out to your doctor, and let them know how you're feeling.
Parenting is the hardest job in the world. Why? Because you're not prepared for it, you have no idea what to expect, and you have no idea what kind of baby you will be bringing into your life. It's one of life's biggest risks...but a risk worth taking.
And trust me...MANY of us feel like we are not always doing a good job. That is because we all have our bad days, bad moments, and freak out moments. Babies are not always 100% happy, but they DO know who their mommy is. Even if you don't' always feel like it...they really do love you more than you'll ever know, and are grateful they have a good mother like you to care for them. So many babies are neglected and abused in this sad, sad world...but you are one of those mothers who makes an effort to see that your son has everything he needs.
Try not to be so hard on yourself. We are here if you need us. (((hugs)))
Being a mom is a tough gig, you never have anyone telling you that, "You are doing a great job!" or that "You are doing it right." You never get a raise and it takes a long time for your kid to actually tell you that they appreciate everything that you have done for them. You are doing the same thing that women have been doing for millions of years and when you look around you see all these perfect moms that are totally perfect and get their kid.
Truth is, lots of us feel the way you do from time to time...or all the time. Sometimes its just a moment, a bad day or even an awful week. Dont feel guilty, you are just going to tear yourself apart. Think of the things that you are good at or enjoy doing with your son. Focus on that. Maybe find a mom group where you can find another mom friend. One that you can vent to...chances are they feel the same way that you do sometimes. Also talk to your doctor.
Motherhood isnt all puppies and rainbows. Don't feel that it should be. You are doing a good job already by noticing that you feel this way and you came on here to vent. You are a GREAT mom, dont let anyone tell you different.
Everyone's already given you fantastic advice. I'm sorry you're feeling like a failure.
I hope you can talk to someone that can help you out. I think we've all had feelings like that in passing, but I think what you're feeling should probably warrant a conversation with your doctor.
I'm glad to hear it! I hope you see some positive results oon, too
And don't worry about bothering us - I think we all have bad days and it's nice to know there's a place out there with moms just like us who understand what we are going through
I feel the same way, a lot of the time.
I think part of the problem is when you're a parent, there's always "more you can do." Then add to that all of the daily dillemas and decision making we have to be able to feel awesome about, whether it be cloth v. disposable, formula v. breastmilk, work v. stay at home, purees v. baby led weaning, to sleep train or not, to vaccinate or not, daycare v. nanny... I feel like I'm constantly having to choose between two or more options that are equally defensible, but no matter how informed & justified my opinion is, there's always someone out there who will challenge or disagree with it and then I feel guilty about the decision I made, no matter how rational or appropriate it was for me or my daughter.
Every time my daughter gets sick, I feel like a horrible employee. Every time I work late to close a case or finish a project, I feel like a horrible mother. Then when I desparately need a break and ask if her father can take her overnight, I feel like I'm asking too much and should be able to do it all; after all, I chose not to get that abortion, so this is what my life is now and TOO BAD.
The only way it could get easier is if I lower my standards, which I'm currently not willing to do... but I guess I'll have to eventually because I am sick of this mental circle of continually hating myself for things I can't do for my daughter and opportunities I can't yet provide, because she deserves the best -- and there's always going to be someone out there that has it "better than me." Self-comparison is completely irrational and unhealthy; I know I alone am my highest authority, but as a mom it's kind of impossible NOT to compare myself to other families, and every time I do I come up short.
Everyone has given such great advice, I agree with all of it. Most importantly, congrats for stepping up and realizing there is a problem, and for taking the next step to get help for it. You are an amazing mom just for making that decision!
Good luck and know that we're all here for you when you need to talk/vent. ((hugs))