My student asked me where the babies are

nuttycoconut · February 2012

So I was very nervous to return to work this week because the last time I was at work I told my students that I was pregnant with Max and Molly. Even though I was 22 weeks and 3 days pregnant with twins, for some reason my first graders never said anything about it so I didn't say anything either. But when I thought I was going on bedrest, I wanted to tell them why I was leaving. Anyway I was very distraught by the fact that I finally told them and *boom* lost both babies the same day. I would have taken the entire school year off if I could have but I didn't want to use all of my sick days in case I'm lucky enough to need them for maternity leave next year.

After I lost the babies all of the parents had a meeting with the administrators and decided when and how to tell my students about what happened. I went in on Friday for a visit and the school psychologist joined me to help with any uncomfortable questions but the students seemed to have forgotten everything that happened with the babies. They mostly told me about how many teeth they lost and who got in trouble in the lunch room that day. The psychologist joined me for a bit on Monday and no questions were asked either. I thought I was in the clear but today one of my students said, "Mrs. ___ where are your babies?" I was shocked and had no idea what to say. I told her that they are little angels now. She said, "But you promised you would bring them here so we could meet them!" I mumbled something about them being too small and not being able to keep them and then I walked away so I wouldn't cry. I honestly had no idea what to say, I was so caught off guard. I don't even know if the angel thing was appropriate. She then tells all of the kids at her table that my babies are angels. Ugh. I'm not looking forward to the next batch of questions. I was hoping their parents handled all of that for me. I guess with 6 year olds questions just come out of the blue like that.

littlepenguin2012 · February 2012

I am so sorry. I don't have anything useful to say, but I am sending your a big hug.

Gizu92708 · February 2012

Hugs. Can one of the psychologists come and talk to your class and explain to them in an age appropriate way what happened with your babies? I'm sorry.

lrichmond86 · February 2012

I teach kindergarten, so I dealt with a similar situation. Our school psychologist talked with the kids before I came back to school. I also wrote down a list of points that I wanted her to make for me so that when I came back, if I had to answer any questions I was well prepared. When I did come back I addressed it right away. Like you said, they really didn't have much to say about it. Mostly they just all said they felt sad for me and that they missed me and wanted to tell me about everything that happened while I was out. I'm so sorry you have to go through this. It's so hard to know what to say when a child says something so hurtful but so innocently. There have been two times that I cried in front of my class since I got back. Both times I explained to them that I was just feeling sad and that it was not because of anything they did. I think that we need to remember that part of our job is to teach our students how to appropriately deal with whatever feelings they may be having. I really believe that it's healthy for them to see us displaying our emotions in an appropriate way. It lets them know that sad is an okay feeling to have and when you feel sad crying is an okay thing to do. I really hope that tomorrow is a better day for you!

pb&fluff · February 2012

I have nothing good to add, but I agree with the PP. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, it musts have been so hard. ((hugs))

Carolee · February 2012

Giant (((HUGS))). I'm sorry.

beck2624 · February 2012

I am a teacher as well...and all I can say is hugs I am worried about what my 5th graders are going to say when I go back to work. I went in today for a meeting and was worried about what the other teachers would say, I think I am just always worried about what everyone is going to say!

I hope it gets better and the questions stop coming, unfortunately with 6 year olds you never know when they are going to ask certain questions!

pottermommy · February 2012

I think you did wonderfully. I know the situation is different since in this particular case my M/C was very early but Katelyn (SD) was in Kindergarden. I explained it by talking about how when we plant seeds not all seeds are strong enough to grow into big flowers and live in the sunshine so they stay safe and warm in the dirt where they are happy and safe.

Her little brother or sister was too little and not strong enough to get to come live with us so they went to heaven with Jesus and Kamryn where they could be happy and warm and safe and healthy, just like the little seeds that can't grow.....

I don't know if that helps, you could change the Jesus part since it is school and they may not allow that but she understood it perfectly, we even planted seeds in a pot and counted how many were strong enough to grow.

Was is hard..yep...but at 6 she needed to understand and it was the first thing I thought of off the top of my head......

weddedwife · February 2012

Our support group leader offered a suggestion to us in explaining things to our DD. Granted, she is only 2.5, but the answer is the same regardless of the child's age. She told us to give our daughter an explanation she can grow into, rather than changing the explanation based on her age. So we tell her "the baby died". I know she doesn't yet understand what that means but our answer will be consistent as she grows and comes to understand what death is.

It can be unnerving when she randomly repeats things like "the baby died" out of the blue though. Big hugs to you for having to deal with that while at work!

nuttycoconut · February 2012

Gizu - I'll have to ask the psychologist what she wants to do. The parents wanted to address it themselves at home, which is why she didn't talk to my class but now I have no idea what the parents told their kids so it's tough.

Irichmond - Thanks so much for sharing what you did with your kindergarteners. Maybe I should have addressed it on Monday but since it had been 2 months I thought maybe some of them were "over it" and I didn't want to bring it back up for those kids unless they brought it up first. I guess I'll have to deal with individual questions now which I supposed can be worse. What exactly did you say to your class?

nuttycoconut · February 2012

beck2624 - I was and am still worried about what collegues and parents of former students and this class will say. One thing that has helped is 2 of my friends stood up in a staff meeting before I came back and told the staff that I don't want to talk about anything at school. If they want to email me, that would be fine, but please don't mention it when I'm with my class or trying to work. Instead of saying, "How are you?" just say,"It's good to see you" or "welcome back." I really hate the question how are you because I feel forced to say "good" even if I'm not good. So for the most part the staff has complied and it's been okay. A few said they've been thinking of me and that was nice too. Obviously I don't have too much good advice on what to do with your class but I'll update if I think of anything new today! Good luck! When are you going back?

weddedwife & potter - Thank you for the mom advice. It helps knowing how a mom would tell their child about losing a baby/babies. I feel like I'd be better if it was a grown up who passed away but to tell kids that babies died seems sad and morbid since this should never happen to children. Thanks again.

JessicaRobb · February 2012

nuttycoconut:
beck2624 - I was and am still worried about what collegues and parents of former students and this class will say. One thing that has helped is 2 of my friends stood up in a staff meeting before I came back and told the staff that I don't want to talk about anything at school. If they want to email me, that would be fine, but please don't mention it when I'm with my class or trying to work. Instead of saying, "How are you?" just say,"It's good to see you" or "welcome back." I really hate the question how are you because I feel forced to say "good" even if I'm not good. So for the most part the staff has complied and it's been okay. A few said they've been thinking of me and that was nice too. Obviously I don't have too much good advice on what to do with your class but I'll update if I think of anything new today! Good luck! When are you going back?

weddedwife & potter - Thank you for the mom advice. It helps knowing how a mom would tell their child about losing a baby/babies. I feel like I'd be better if it was a grown up who passed away but to tell kids that babies died seems sad and morbid since this should never happen to children. Thanks again.

I know what you mean about "how are you?" there is no good answer to that question when your colleague is just trying to be friendly and move on with their day. They don't want to "terrible, sad, upset"

I really liked what lrichmond said about teaching appropriate ways to deal with emotions. That makes a lot of sense in an elementary setting. I teach HS and my principal spoke with my kids before I came back and they're old enough to know not to mention it.

Good luck with your little students!