sig warning My oldest friend's IVF didn't work, advice?

kelnyc · February 2012

I couldn't possibly feel worse for her. You see people ask about how to handle these situations and think it will just take time and sensitivity, but now that I'm in it... I don't know what to do for her.

We've been friends since 5th grade and she and her husband have been trying for 5 years. They finally found this egg donor after the last two dropped out at the last minute (and it took many months just to find them since she at least wanted them to look similar to her, small build, brown hair, etc.), and after all that heartache, it ended up not going so well. The donor has done this before successfully, so I think it was a sperm issue. Her husbands counts were good, so they didn't ICSI, but only 3 fertilized. They were only 4 cells and medium to poor grade by day 3 so they were all transferred. I got a text on Monday (when I knew her beta was) that there was no hope.

We've gotten so close these past couple of years and were really hoping to conquer this IF crap and raise our babies together. Now I don't know that she has it in her to try again. I sent her a note letting her know I was thinking of her and I'd be here when she was ready to talk about it, but is there anything else I can do? I just feel awful and hope that my being pregnant doesn't ruin our closeness.

Sad

MandaS08 · February 2012

It sounds like right now you are being a great friend. Just keep letting her know that you are here for her. Give her some time to grieve, but just be sure she knows you are here!

kelnyc · February 2012

Thanks, I've done that for sure, so I'll let her decide when she's ready. It just plain sucks and I am so sad for her!

Mrs.McIrish · February 2012

My advice is to just keep talking to her and letting her know you are there to listen. Don't say you understand because as much as you think you know how she feels since you had IF yourself, it isn't the same because yours worked. She may not want to "see" you just because it may be too hard for her. I think you could send a nice card just saying you are thinking of her. Also, I'm sure you know this already but don't talk too much about your baby and definitely don't complain if you don't feel good.

sarahtoledo · February 2012

I hate to say it, but she may need some distance. I haven't been trying for five years and I have a very, very hard time being around pregnant friends. The closer they are to me, the worse it is. No matter how much you've gone through (and I know you've gone through a lot) to get where you are, it's like you cross a bridge when you have success... and things are different.

You already let her know you care and that you're available, which was what I was going to recommend, now all you can do (IMO) is send thoughts/prayers/vibes for her. hth a little.

kelnyc · February 2012

This definitely helps ladies. I'll let her drive the relationship whenever she's comfortable. Thankfully, we don't live that close, so she doesn't have to see me, and I'll be sure to keep my mouth shut on all baby/pg matters.

Thank you kindly!

ThereBeDragons · February 2012

My suggestion is to talk to her- Really communicate. Ask about what might bother her about your pregnancy and if she blows you off and tells you that everything is fine- remind her that your friendship is too important to treat lightly and that if that ever changes, she should feel comfortable telling you.

My best friend is so important to me. Her pregnancy- no matter the outcome of my own attempts- would be exciting. And a little sad. But mostly exciting. Because holy moley, she's going to be an amazing mom. I love children- I know I'm a bit of an odd duck in the infertility world but I really love children and even if I can never have one of my own- I would still want to enjoy the time I have with the kids of my family and friends. And I wouldn't want my best friend to worry about me interacting with her pregnancy and child. Because if I can never have one of my own- I know a couple of children who are going to be clucked over by an extra mother hen- hers especially.

glueck · February 2012

You are a great friend. There will be days when she just cannot be with you, and you may have to anticipate that. She will not be the person to take baby stroller shopping, but she DOES love you. The less you ask from her, the more responsive she will be. It will go day by day and sometimes hour by hour. It will not be easy for either of you.

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