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Blended Families
In Need Of Advice
I am mostly a lurker, but I need some advice regarding SS and DD.
A little background: DD1 is from my first marriage and SS is DH's son from a previous relationship. They are 2 months apart in age, 4 1/2years old. DH and I have been together since the kids were 2. We also have DD2 who will be 1 in a couple of weeks. DD1's dad has not been very involved in her life, after he got out of the army he moved to FL. He pays child support, though so we don't really have any issues. We don't speak often, he calls once in a blue moon to talk to her. I call every now and then to run something by him. DD1 does however have a good relationship with her SM, they talk on the phone about once a week and she gets to talk to her little brother then too. DH and BM originally had a shared parenting agreement, however BM started taking less and less of her time with SS and eventually only started seeing him a couple of hours every 3 or 4 weeks. DH took her back to court for custody, she got EOW visitation and every other Tuesday from 5-8pm. After she still only wanted to get him for a couple of hours at a time every few weeks. Finally after SS had been upset for the (what seems like) billionth time, DH told BM she needed to follow the CO and explained that it was upsetting SS that he didn't spend more time with her. It has been almost 8 months since that conversation, we have not seen or heard from her since.
Anyway, on to the reason I need advice. Both kids know that they have DH and I, all of the kids call DH daddy (DD1's dad actually told her to call DH that and to call him Dad since DH is the one who is always able to be there for her). The girls call me Mommy and SS calls me by my name or Mommy ***. Each child knows that they also have their respective BF/BM and SF/SM, however lately they have been telling one another that BM is not SS's mom or BF is not DD1's dad. I've been trying to explain it to them that while they live with DH and I, each of them has other moms and dads. Tonight however, DD1 was on the phone with BF's mom and they were talking about BF and SM. DD1 says that BF is her Dad and SS yells at her "NO HE IS NOT". I think I need a better way to explain things to them so that maybe he can understand a little better that DH is not DD1's BF. I can only imagine what BF's mom thinks we are telling her or how it hurts either of these kids when they say these things to one another.
Any advice on how to explain it simply to them would be appreciated.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: In Need Of Advice
I would actually call BFs Mom when the kids are in bed and just talk, tell her that you were not sure if she had any questions about it but you wanted to make sure there was no confusion bc kids can make things seem different and tell her what you said here and let her know to call you if she ever has concerns.
As for the rest, not sure what to say. I would keep clarifying when needed but don't get into every argument, it seems like they know the truth but wish things were different.
Fortunately BF's mom thought nothing of it. She was very understanding. She went through similar arguments when BF and his sister were little.
I sat SS down and explained again that DD1's BF is her Dad and so is DH. I also reminded him that it hurts his feelings when DD1 says that his BM is not his Mommy and that she feels the same way when he says that about her BF. Then I sat DD1 down and told her that when SS says that she shouldn't listen or get upset because she knows that he is her Dad.
Thanks.