not sure how to handle this shower situation...
ghl
member
I'm now 21 weeks along and a lot of friends/family have been asking about what will be going on w/ a baby shower. Dh's family is HUGE and all live locally. A baby shower for his side of the family that I attended a couple months ago had ~80 guests. They also get offended if not all invited - I had this happen already w/ my bridal shower a few years back and that caused some drama already. I've had some close friends (who were my BMs and hosted my bridal shower already) express that they would like to host something for me and would like my guest list, but I know they would not be able to host ALL of DH's extended family. For what it's worth, my family would only be my mom, and my sis.
DH was thinking of talking to his mom about the situation. I'm not touching this w/ a 10 ft pole, but is it ok if he talked to his family? His feeling was that if his huge family wants a shower and have been bugging him about when it'll be, then someone in his side should step up. He thinks they might be just expecting that my family will host one and invite all of them. He wanted to let his mom know that if my friends host, they cannot accomodate everyone and either the family will have to accept that or the family can choose to have their own celebration, cohost w/ my friends or something if it is that important to them to have all of them at a baby shower.
I appreciate that everyone is excited and wants to share in our joy like they did for our wedding, but I also don't want to go through this drama all over again. I don't want to ask anyone to host anything. I know it's something that some may choose to do as a gift to us and I would never just expect it. I really appreciate that my friends want to do something special for us but for that same reason I also do not want to impose on their generosity.
Any suggestions?
Re: not sure how to handle this shower situation...
His feeling was that if his huge family wants a shower and have been bugging him about when it'll be, then someone in his side should step up.
100% agree w/ this. Let him handle it- it's not YOU asking/expecting anything. It's him just saying "mom- It's great that you and the family are interested in attending a shower. However, her family nor her friends can throw a shower that can accomodate everyone. If the entire family "has" to be included then someone from our side needs to hold the shower. Her family nor her friends should be expected to do this...."
They get offended? They "have" to be invited? Then "they" need to realize that it's a huge burden and someone needs to be willing to take this on. If they aren't, then it's not really THAT important to them and their "offense" is baseless and they are just LOOKING for things to fault you and yourfamily for.....
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Agreed. My goodness, we didn't have 80 people at our wedding!
If your DH's family is already asking him about plans, then - the next time they bring it up - it's entirely appropriate for him to say something like, "I think one of her friends is going to host something small; they only have room for about 15 people or so." That leaves the door open for your MIL or SILs to come up with an alternative if they so choose.
What about having your parents go 50/50? Your mom pay for the hall...and his parents pay for the guests and their food? You'd need the hall regardless, and as for food, etc....that's where the cost of the guests would come in. Something along those lines? My sister did it something like this. Not sure how it went exactly but her MIL and our mom went 50/50. Invites said that the shower was put on by the family of my sister and her husband.
This is why I am having 3, yes 3, showers! its a little stupid, but its what works best. My H's family, well 2 families, his parents are divorced, is large and they live over an hour from us and my friends/fmaily. SO his Aunt from his Dad's side held a shower for us, my mom and sisters are throwing a smaller one for my family and friends and then my MIL is throwing one for her family and friends.
For you this is the only FAIR thing to do! If his family is so picky and SOOO large, they can host/pay for their own shower! 80 gifts will help out a lot! :-)
Thanks for the advice ladies! DH talked to his mom today she asked about whether or not there would be a shower when he stopped by to see them tonight. It was a good opportunity for him to mention that a few friends were thinking about hosting but he didn't feel they could handle their family's huge guest list nor would it really be fair to them. MIL didn't think at first that their family would be a big deal, but he reminded her we're hosting over 2 dozen next week for thanksgiving and that's just his dad's immediate family, and then there's her side which is larger, and any of the more extended family that she would want included... so MIL realized that yeah, the family will be huge and there are a lot of people who would want to be included. So she suggested that he get her the contact info for any friends who had offered to be involved in the shower so she could call them and offer to co-host.
So while I personally would much rather have a couple small showers instead of what is going to probably be a huge one, I still appreciate that there will be a shower at all, and am glad that DH was able to tactfully talk to his mom about not saddling our friends w/ that many family guests on their own.
Thanks again!
I would perhaps encourage him to talk to his mom abou t just throwing a family shower for her side. Don't involve your friends in this huge shower. As a GUEST, I don't want to go to an 80+ person shower where I pretty much no one one.
For your OTHER guests sake.... get your DH to push for a seperate shower.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10