How do I prevent bitterness?
BeccaMarie
member
First of all, this isn't an attack on any board or person, and I have debated posting it for days now, but it is weighing heavy on me, so I decided to post. But just to be clear, this is coming from all areas of my life, and my reference to any specific board is not meant to single them out, just an example. I was having trouble articulating my thoughts without an example, but I will DD the post if it feels like it is taking a turn different than what I mean it to. (and I hope I am way over-thinking this, I was just so worried...)
Basically, I am terrified of becoming an angry, mean, bitter person. How do you prevent that from happening?
On FB today, I saw 2 birth announcements and 6 BFPs. I am genuinely happy for my friends. But I also feel this angry jealousy stirring deep inside of me, and I hate it. I want to grab the girls announcing their BFPs at six weeks and shake them and say, "don't you know this could happen to you too???? Don't be happy, be scared!". I felt sick to my stomach over my reaction. That isn't the reaction I want from myself.
I look at TTCAL, and there is a culture over there where it is ok to be a bully. When someone breaks a rule, instead of a mod editing the post for a warning in the title & responding with a link to the applicable rule/blog (which I think would be appropriate), people go CRAZY. I see girls that I know to be nice people, being downright rude and nasty and cruel. The responses that some posts over there get are in no way productive. They only serve as an outlet for angry, bitter people.
I am afraid that I am going to become angry and bitter too, and I don't want that. How do you heal your heart and protect yourself without becoming broken? I have been so angry at stupid things lately - I am just not myself. I need to change it, but don't know how...
Re: How do I prevent bitterness?
You are already working on not becomming that way, you are actively trying to figure out how not to be like that.
Grief makes us lash out and get irritated and angry, it is as natural as breathing. I will tell you that even while pg I was still resentful of people who "had it so easy".
I checked myself by saying, do I really want them to know how I feel? Do I want to have to console them because they lost their baby or because they can't get pregnant? No I don't, I wouldn't wish this life on anyone, as I know you wouldn't either. That kind of curbs the bitter, by remembering that I don't want to share this grief I will gladly bear it alone if it keeps another mommy from knowing it.
The anger, I desperately want Kamryn to be proud to be my daughter. This is harder to do than to say b/c my first response to grief and stress in anger and to lash out. So when I notice I am being snappy or very short with DH or SD I try to think about how Kam's face would have fallen if I lashed out at her like that, how sad she would be and how she would have not wanted to be with me. It makes me reel myself in.
But you are already taking the first step by not wanting to be bitter, you control your own life. The sadness and the grief are huge players in your life but they aren't your whole life if you don't let them be. It can overtake who you are in an instant. Try and hold on to who you are and who you want to be. Seeing that will help you see what you are and how you are handling your emotions.
I commend you on wanting to be in control though. It is a big step to want to control your grief and sorrow just remember to still let yourself grieve and have emotions and breakdowns if and when you need them.
Honestly.... I wish I could tell you it is a quick phase. After my first loss, I was a raging lunatic. I could barely look at a pregnant person without getting angry. Don't even get me started on facebook or IRL announcements. Everytime my pregnant friend (was due 3 weeks after me) came near me, I cought myself telling her how freaking thankjful she should be and tried scaring her in to being more careful. I am not proud of how I was, but it was unavoidable.
Now... I am just numb to all feelings about being pregnant. I too want to shake girls who have the "barely dry peestick" announcements. Even the end of 1st tri announcements get me going.
My only advice is to talk about what you are feeling; don't bottle it up. For me, the more I kept things in, the bigger the explosion was. Are you going to any form of counsiling by any chance?
As for the boards... Some do have a different tone to them, but I guess that comes with the territory of an online support group. I personally, have been more involved in a facebook TTCAL/loss group that has been absolutely amazing. Many of the girls are from here. I can send you the link if you would like. It is a provate group and nothing appears on your newsfeed.
Our baby boy,Logan, was born still at 19w3d on 7/1/2011
Our 2nd baby boy, Mason, was born still at 20w3d on 1/31/2012
After a much needed sanity break... we are praying for our rainbows
((BFP 7/29/13)) ((EDD 4/12/14)) It's BOY/GIRL twins!!!
I started to feel really bitter after losing my girls after DS passed. I couldn't believe it because almost everyone I know (and EVERYONE I know IRL) gets to takehome their rainbow baby. I started to get really mean and b!tchy because I couldn't believe EVERYONE else gets them and I didn't. It really took a toll on my life physically and emotionally, and on my relationship with DH.
I don't know what happened but a lightbulb went off at some point and I realized that I have potentially 40-50 more years ahead of me and I didn't want to live them like this. I remember (and repeat to myself constantly) that what happens in someone else's uterus or life has no bearing on mine. I also try to remember all the wonderful things about MY life as it is right now (even if it takes writing it down, talking to DH about it or whatever), and if I am really having a tough time, I find some way to improve my life by doing something fun/enjoyable or planning something I will look forward to in the immediate future (weekend roadtrip, dinner somewhere new, art class, etc).
TTCAL is ... hard for me. I appreciate the support I've received there, but the overall vibe there doesn't work for me. I am in charge of the Feb EDD Check-in so I do that and support people who've supported me, but I look for support here and i lurk on PgAL when I'm up to it b/c it's such a positive place.
(((HUGS))) I think being aware of not wanting to be bitter is a great big step. I don't know if anyone of this helped (it helped me to write it out though, lol!), but I am glad you shared this with us.
? to Loss+M/PL+TTCAL+PgAL+PAL
PgAL/PAL welcome
DD #1 passed away in January 2011 at 14 days old due to congenital heart disease
DD#2 lost in January 2012 at 23 weeks due to anhydramnios caused by a placental abruption
I felt strongly that way too. So strongly that I denied it and ignored it and finally went to grief counseling 9 months later. I too do not want to be angry or bitter.
However, that is part of the grieving process. My counselor has talked a lot about letting yourself feel your emotions and not resent them. If you feel angry, that is ok. If you feel jealous, that is ok. If you feel bitter, that is ok. You will not feel like that forever, you just have to go through the process of grief. As I have let myself feel that way without judging myself, I can already feel some of it fading away and truly being just one stage of grief that I had to go through.
She recommended a book called Good Grief. I recommend it to you as well:
https://www.amazon.com/Good-Grief-Anniversary-Granger-Westberg/dp/0800697839/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1329318763&sr=1-1
It will get better, your loss is still very fresh...the whole first year is really....and it is ok for you to not feel elated about all the BPFs in your life. When we lost Grace there were 6 I think pregnancies that I knew about....and since then there have been at least 6 more. My sister announced her first pg at 5-6 weeks and just did it again. Even though she knows what I went through, she just can't comprehend why you would not do that....it's not in her realm of thinking, which is fine (she is younger too and one of the first of her friends to be married and have kids).
You won't become bitter and angry. I can tell that from your post. You won't, I promise. You may feel bitter and angry for awhile, and that is ok....that is part of the journey. Feelings are temporary.
Hugs to you,
Jenn
We are so thankful that our second daughter, Lillian Elizabeth "Lily", was born healthy and happy on February 11, 2013. We love her to pieces.
We lost our first daughter, Hannah Grace on May 4, 2011. She was buried on May 14 during a beautiful service at my home church. We are grateful that if she could not be here with us, that she is healed and whole with the Lord. We look forward to the day when we will get to meet her. We love her so much.
I wish I knew the answer to your question. I am bitter. I'm angry. I just want to kick and scream and cry, because it's not fair. I want to stop feeling those things, but after everything, I can't seem to. After 30 cycles of TTC and 3 losses, it seems impossible to not be bitter.
So if anyone knows the answer...I'm listening.
BFP #2 - EDD 2/26/12 M/C 6/28/11 @ 5w2d
BFP #3 - EDD 4/7/12 M/C 8/2/11 @ 4w2d
Too beautiful for this earth
BFP #4 - EDD 12/09/12, Lucille arrived 11/26/12
I can definitely relate to how you're feeling. I don't want to be angry or bitter toward friends who 'have it easy' and I know that my losses don't compare to how much harder things can be. But that doesn't make my pain go away, either..
I have a lot of bitter feelings right now, but I try to remember that it's not their fault and that I think we can all agree that we'd do anything to go back to the days of being blissfully unaware of the fear and anxiety that a pregnancy brings with it and have it be all P&R like the first time, before we had experienced loss. We (or I, at least) would give anything to be one of "them" - the people that I feel bitter toward, the people who have it "so easy".
I liked pottermommy's advice about that we would never want our friends to go through anything that we are grieving over. That is something that we can try and remind ourselves of too.
As for TTCAL, I have been posting over there but I haven't seen much drama at all, but maybe I am just missing it? It is wayyy less than TTGP - and I was there for a long time before getting my BFP. TTCAL is a really nice change from TTGP.
Tyler (10/29/08)
and Lily (4/21/13)