How do you accept a step parent to your child?
dmndsr4eva
member
To remind you of my story my exfi left me for his coworker in late July. I believe he was already dating her a month or so before I finally moved out when he told me he didn't care about me and wanted out.
Today was a rough day for me. DS has his first ear infection so when ex called last night I told him that DS was sick and that perhaps he would stay home from work tomorrow (weds is his day, but his parents watch him in the daytime). He said he would stay home to take care of him. So this morning he shows up to pick up DS with his girlfriend. I mean really? He can't take care of his own son he needs his girlfriend to take off the day of work too? She has her own son. Maybe she should save her days off for him.
I have no idea how to accept this. I am so hurt and angry. I go to counseling but it doesn't seem to help. A friend of mine said I just need to give myself time to grieve, but I am tired of hurting. I have been hurting for 7 months now...
Re: How do you accept a step parent to your child?
I agree that it sounds like:
1. He was seeing her before he left.
2. You need time.
3. You need counseling. Maybe a new doctor since things are not getting better.
On the other hand:
In a new relationship you do all kinds of things with/for a person since it is new and exciting. I'm sure you would like to have a boyfriend/friend/support stay home with you while caring for a sick child. It just makes it easier.
If you could only see how this will not be important or change your day after some time passes and you move on too. It doesn't sound like you need to work on accepting a step parent right now you need to work on accepting being a single parent and losing your relationship. GL!
I'm sorry you are going through a rough patch, and I'm glad you're seeing a counselor. If it doesn't seem to be working, maybe you can switch to another counselor? There are plenty of good ones out there, no need to get stuck with a dud.
To your actual issue, it sounds like the majority of your pain is centered around the end of the relationship and the reality of a new girl in his life; is that correct? Perhaps the emotions of the old relationship are causing you trouble more than anything else?
The important thing here is how this woman treats your son. It sounds from this post like she cares enough to take one of her sick days to hang out with your DS, and that's a good thing. It may feel sucky right now, but you might come to realize over time that you'd much rather have a woman in your son's life who wants to be involved and wants to build a positive relationship with him than somebody who couldn't care less about him or his needs.
This stuff isn't easy. Just go easy on yourself, and try if you can to appreciate that this woman could actually be a good thing in DS's life. Nobody is ever going to replace you, I promise.
I second this. If she is good to your son, consider it a blessing. She could be another positive female example in your son's life. As pp said, NOBODY will ever replace you. Never. In time, DS may develop a relationship with his father's SO, but it will never compare to the relationship between mother and son. I think it can be easy to allow anger/hurt from your relationship to carry over into situations like this, but it is important that it doesn't happen (easier said than done, I know). DS will pick up on it at some point and will begin to afffect him.
Hi,
I just wanted to share my story/input. I am a step mom to a 5 year old girl. I'm NOT the "other woman" DH and BM were already divorced and she had moved on when I came into the picture, however she saw me as an immediate threat. she is extremely nasty to me and discourages a relationship between me and SD and DH and SD. she is purely concerned with herself.
If I were you I would do my absolute best to put my child first. your X is a loser, I'm glad you are in counseling trying to come to terms with that. no matter what, as long as dad wants a relationship with DS, its going to happen. You cannot control the people that your X brings around your son, but you CAN put forth every effort to make the relationship as comfortable as possible for your son. ask X if the gf is going to be around DS alot, if so tell him you want to meet her. be as nice as possible (considering this is probably the woman that cost you your relationship)
I honestly feel so bad for my SD that her mom is such a nasty b!tch to me and DH for no reason. I have done my best to put my best foot forward with her but she is awful. If this woman truly wants to be a part of your X's life and therefore your DS's life then I hope you can have a decent relationship with her for your sons sake. don't drag him into the middle of a catfight.....
Yeah, easier said then done. I find it very difficult to see how I will ever be kind to these two a-holes. I understand that is best for my son so maybe it will come with time.
oh god yes. so much easier said than done. I just feel so bad for the children who are caught up in these awful adult drama fests. if DH and I were ever to split up, for whatever reason I would honestly work my butt off to make it the best situation possible for my DS. Children should not be made to suffer, or deal with their parents fighting just because one makes a dumb decision.
Best of luck to you, I hope you can work with a therapist to overcome your issues with X and his new GF, no one said it was going to be easy
Have you ever visited the website survivinginfidelity.com? You might benefit from seeing posts from people who were in your situation. You can lurk without signing up. It seems to me the issue isn't that someone is caring for your child, but it's THE other woman.
It would be upsetting to me, too. But you should remember that your son needs to come first. At least they are both taking off to care for your son, not leaving your son with you so they can do something fun.
Also, if your H was cheating, remember, now SHE is stuck with a cheater! It won't be long until he cheats on her, too.
That might be the best thing to keep in mind until you are fully over everything.
To be honest I do not think the morals of the "other woman" are something I would want my child to learn. (or those of his cheating parent) BUT as we don't get a choice with that all we can do is take comfort in what we can. If she is treating your son properly and caring for him well at least you have that.
Although to be honest I think some parents introduce a new partner WAY too soon into the lives of their children. There is no need to have her so involved. It's only been 7 months, I'm not sure how old your son is but some more time to adjust would have been nice. (and if that relationship doens't work out it will mean another hurt for your son to go through)
EDIT I guess, just make the best of what is which is really hard but worth it in the long run.
Not sure if she's trying to have a baby, but the rest is true. She posted yesterday on StartingOver about being all hurt that the X hung up on her.
OP, isn't your bf around your LO? Doesn't it seem a little hypocritical to not want your X's gf around LO when your bf is allowed to?
What do you mean "accept?"
The situation is what it is, and you cannot control it or change it. And if he broke it off with her tomorrow and came knocking at your door, would you want that? Of course not.
You do not have to be happy about your XF and his GF. You don't even have to be okay with it. And not to be cliche, but you do have to fake it until you make it.
By the way, her showing up with your XF to pick up the kiddo showed you something about her. She was either trying to get a reaction out of you, or to rub things in your face. And your XF let her do it. These are not the types of people you should let hurt you or make you feel bad about yourself.
I do not know her story but the difference is the girlfriend is the other woman, not some new girlfriend, it must be hard not to see her as a threat. If OP is trying to have a baby she need to stop as this will be a trail wreck bc she is not in a good place for it.
Your son will be exposed to hundreds of thousands of people through out his life time- if he's lucky. Some will be mentors, friends, lovers, some will not be the type of people you would wish your son to be around at all- but you have to accept the good with the bad.
Even if your fi had not cheated and you had stayed together you still would not have had total control over who your child was exposed to. This is a good lesson to learn while your child is young- you have little control- and that's ok. You can still teach your son about love, respect, morals, dignity.