Late Term and Child Loss
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feeling pressured
This is my first post to this group. My DD was born on May 8, 2011. She was a healthy, happy baby. Long story short, June 4th found us in the NICU, as she had some how environmentally come in contact with group B strep and developed meningitis. She died June 14th at 37 days old. My DH and I agreed shortly after that we would at some point TTC. I put an initial time limit out there that we could consider it after a year, my main argument being that I did not want to be pregnant for her birthday. My DH and I are NOT ready yet, but I feel like the people around us are pressuring and trying to push us towards another child. I know they want us to be happy, and that they only want positive for us (my mother's words), but it hurts and in some ways I am insulted. I recently passed a kidney stone and made a Dr appointment which meant a half day at work; when I returned some had assumed I had a Dr appointment because I was pregnant, as if that is the only reason someone goes to the doctor. Then I try making future plans for trips, and I get the remarks about how I should be or will likely be pregnant by then. I feel like maybe I'm overreacting, but I know my reaction is because I'm not ready to even consider being pregnant. Has anyone felt pressured by others (thankfully this is not my immediate family, just those people I am in constant daily contact with)? How did you handle it? Other than getting angry, or upset and emotional, I'm not sure what to do.
Genevieve Rose died at 37 days old, meningitis
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Re: feeling pressured
I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter. I think it is amazing how rude and intrusive some people can be. What you and your DH do about TTC is between you and DH. When people say such insensitive things I try (and sometimes it is more difficult than others) to focus on the intentions of the person, not their thoughtless assumptions.
The hurtful phrase that I hate is, "You'll have more children." Really? You can see into my ovaries and uterus? It also bothers me because it assumes that Sylvie is replaceable and that if I have a rainbow baby my feelings about Sylvie will disappear.
BFP #2 - Sylvie V. Q. born and died on 10.28.11 at 21w.
BFP #3 - Evie V. Q. Fetal demise @ 16w. DC 7.8.12
BFP #4 - Beatrix V. Q. Born 6.2.13 at 23w6d.
My blog My chart
((Hugs)) I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. People seriously have no common sense. I dont really know how to handle it, as I got the opposite reaction (after I got KU). People were shocked, cuz THEY wanted me to wait longer. Just tell them that you are still grieving your daughter, and when the time is right YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND will decide. It's a private matter, and no one else should be involved.
Good luck!
I am so so sorry for your loss.
I am certain that dealing with other people's pressure is stressful. Just do what you are doing. Do what is best for you and DH. If you aren't ready then you aren't ready. That is all there is to it.
You are so right no new baby will take the place of your little one. They will be two seperate children both of whom you will love more than life itself. And it isn't fair to you or your next baby for you to get pregnant if you aren't ready.
Take your time and if you feel you want to explain to the people that are bothering you about it a simple, we aren't ready and aren't talking about that yet, thanks. Is sufficient.
But don't feel like you owe an explanation.
I am so sorry for your loss. And I'm sorry you have to deal with that. People did tell me after losing Jack that I will get pregnant again or something like that. I wanted to say back, even if I do, it doesn't mean the pain will go away.
Again, sorry for your loss and I hope that you find comfort here. Big hugs.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. I swear I could have written your post myself. My son Corbin was born a bit premature (34w6d) and was in the NICU for 11 days just for monitoring but overall he was a healthy baby. At 36 days old, my husband put him to bed for the night and at 3 am jolted awake to realize he hadn't heard a sound from a normally noisy sleeper. He wasn't breathing. We called 911 and rushed to the ER where they were unable to revive him. The autopsy showed he had bronchitis and a few other viruses. He had just been to the pediatrician 2 days earlier and we were told he was doing great! Like you, my DH and I have decided to wait about a year before TTC and have recently began booking a Mediterranean cruise in October. We decided we're not going to TTC until after the trip. I've had several people tell me that was a dumb move because I'll be pregnant by then. Hell, I even told my husband we can try for a while but once we get around the time I conceived last year we're going to take a break because I don't want a due date or possible birth around when Corbin was born or was supposed to be. When people make the stupid comments that they do I usually say something along the lines of "that's your opinion and it's been noted. Sometimes I simply act like I didn't hear them and move on. I hate that any of us have to deal with things like this. {{HUGS}}
In memory of Corbin Scott 10/28/11-12/3/11. Heaven got another angel the night you left this world behind Heaven got a little better the day it took you away from me Missing you tonight, see you again sometime For now I'll close my eyes and dream of heaven tonight I'll love you forever I'll like you for always Now and Forever My baby you'll be
corbinsmommy.blogspot.com
I am so sorry you are going through this. I wouldn't worry about what others say you take all the time you need. With us I am almost 39 so age is against me. We are kind of prssing the issue and trying since I am older and it could take time for us. Grief is so hard on its own and to add TTC it is a terrible thing to add to it. It makes you a little crazsy I have to say in my own life experience. Good luck with what ever you chose we are all here for you always!!
Wow, all you ladies are a lot nicer than I would be! If someone said something like that to me, I would snap at them. It's none of their business. If the same people keep coming back at you with this same thing, maybe something a little snarky will shut them up!
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope you can find some support here.