Baptizing

sexymama0520 · February 2012

Hi ladies...I have a question. Im really stuck on this one!

My boyfriends whole family is Catholic. I am not. My mother raised us all Anglican. We believe in God and went to church when we were young, but it wasnt AS important I guess to our family as it was/is to his.

His mother now expects us to baptize our daughter Catholic and I am uncomfortable with that. We have tried talking about it in private but have yet to come to a compromise. My mother does not want the baby baptized catholic but I say our mothers opinions shouldnt affect our decision.

He agrees but says HE wants to baptize catholic, because he was raised catholic, went to a catholic school etc..

Can anyone think of a middle ground where we can meet?? Its stressing me out and so far me and his mother get along, I dont want to create problems!

APendola · February 2012

I was raised Catholic and from my understanding, the Catholic church usually isn't very open to a middle ground. If you bapitize the kids Catholic, they expect that the children will be raised Catholic.

The decision has to come from you and your boyfriend, like you said - not from your mothers. But it's not going to be an easy decision. You're going to need to spend a lot of time talking about this and one of you may have to compromise more than the other.

JennDave+1 · February 2012

Ok we went through this exact same situation with DS#1. Ultimately it is a decision that you and your boyfriend need to make together. In our situation my DH is Catholic and I am Anglican. I have gone to the same church my whole life (baptized, confirmed and married in the same church). DH has not gone to church since high school yet he is very strong in the fact that he is Catholic (went to a Catholic School growing up).

Because I was the one attending Church we decided on my church. We were going to have a Catholic Priest attend the baptism but when I contacted the Catholic Church they said it was not neccessary as the child baptized in the Anglican Church would be accepted in the Catholic Church.

The two religions are VERY similar. Even though a lot of Catholics would differ. I have been involved in both religions for the last 13 years. Anglicans are very accepting no matter what religion unfortunately Catholics are not ( I am not trying to attack anyones religion here this is just what I have dealt with on DH's side of the family).

Anyway. Work together to come up with a compromise. Maybe you could have the baby baptized twice ?? Have a priest attend the Anglican service or vise versa??

Hope that helps.

JennDave+1 · February 2012

APendola:

I was raised Catholic and from my understanding, the Catholic church usually isn't very open to a middle ground. If you bapitize the kids Catholic, they expect that the children will be raised Catholic.

The decision has to come from you and your boyfriend, like you said - not from your mothers. But it's not going to be an easy decision. You're going to need to spend a lot of time talking about this and one of you may have to compromise more than the other.

Yes

celestialnyte · February 2012

If you baptize under United Church of Christ, the Catholic church will observe that as a 'real' baptism under Catholicism.

boymomstrong · February 2012

This is a hard place to be in, and I understand your concern, I would ask a few questions:

1. Will this baby be going to church? Which church? What about private vs public school?

2. Is this important to you because your mom says it is? Or is it important to have your baby the same as you? If your bf is religious, and its been a big part of his life, it may mean more to him than it really does to you.

3. Can you do both? I have 2 cousins who were baptized Catholic and Methodist. They go to catholic church, as thats the parent more invested in their faith. The other does not mind, and attends as possible.

4. When you picture your childs future what do you see? Is religion a big thing? Is it important?

You may need to compromise on this one, and I know it can be hard, but you did say its not AS important to your childhood, as it was to your BF's....

No matter how your child is baptized you baby will still have the benefit of 2 different opinions. And 2 sides to everthing. It will allow your baby to grow up knowing that nothing is black and white, and that you need to form your own opinions.

My hubby and I differ in that he is atheist, and I am not... So i feel we will be in the same boat.... Good Luck!

sexymama0520 · February 2012

That helps a lot! Thank you

I was aware that the Catholic and Anglican religions are very similar. But youre right I find Catholics dont always agree with that.

I currently dont go to church as I havent since I was little and dont really have the time (bad excuse) however once my daughter is born I definately want her to be taught about God and the Bible and will probably take her to an Anglican church.

I didnt know that if we baptized her Anglican she would still be accepted into the Catholic church. Thats good to know! I will definately bring it up. As I feel that that might be comforting to MIL.

Also I didnt mean to say we would do anything "half assed" so to say in regards to raising her Catholic. I just knew the 2 were very similar and had things in common that could maybe help us both to come to an agreement.

Thanks again ladies!!

Chelsey68 · February 2012

I baptized my DS1 catholic, i was raised catholic and it was kind of just what you are suppose to do. I dont attend church or anything i just wanted him baptized. Well anyway i was unmarried at the time and had to almost lie to the catholic church to get them to do it. They refused to baptize my son if i was living out of wedlock. So we had to tell them i was living with my mom. Which was true me and my SO were both living with my mom. We however had to leave out the detail that he was living there too. They said if we were married and it was not recognized in the catholic church then they would not baptize my child. There were so many rules it was ridiculous. So before you stress to much about this, baptizing your baby catholic may not even be an option. I dont know if all churches are different but all i know is catholic churches dont believe in middle ground or at least ive yet to see them do so.

sexymama0520 · February 2012

Thanks again! I didnt see the other responses down there.

Like I said before I dont go to church but my boyfriend doesnt either. Out of all his siblings, his mother is the only one who currently goes to church. she also goes to "meetings" once a week and has prayer group with ladies from the church.

BF went to church as a child and was "sent" to church with his sister as teenagers but hes told me that they would "skip" church and go to the park/store/etc. He has a daughter from a previous marriage and she was baptized catholic, goes to a catholic school etc. I dont know if he just wants our daughter to be because his first is.

Id like to take my daughter to church (Anglican - because I doubt my bf will come with us with his work schedule). Ive been torn about what type of school to send her to. Ive been looking in the area for Christian schools but they are mostly all private with tuition fees. Which I dont know if we will be able to afford. I feel like these days private or catholic schools are safer though, with all the crazy things Ive been reading in the news. Thats just me being neurotic I think - but still.

Im trying not to let my mothers opinion affect how I feel. There are a few things I disagree with ( I dont want to get into debates on here) but as far as I know the big differences are - we dont pray to virgin mary and saints. we dont do confession and we dont refer to anyone as "Father" besides God. I dont know if I am missing anything else.

Ive read that you can "dedicate" in place of baptizing. Does anyone know anything more about that?? I wasnt too sure what it meant.

TravelSnob · February 2012

JennDave+1:

The two religions are VERY similar. Even though a lot of Catholics would differ. I have been involved in both religions for the last 13 years. Anglicans are very accepting no matter what religion unfortunately Catholics are not ( I am not trying to attack anyones religion here this is just what I have dealt with on DH's side of the family).

I highly disagree with your bolded comment and think this is a complete generalization. I am Catholic and have serveral friends and family members who are not. I am very accepting of their religion, going to their baptisms and sometimes their church services when a special event is happening. Also as a teenager, I went to several different churches to learn about different religions with the full acceptance of my Catholic family.

My priest is also very accepting of other religions and welcomes other religions to mass with open arms. I'm sorry that your DH's family isn't as accepting but it doesn't mean all Catholics aren't.

Not trying to be snarky but it sounded like you were accusing all Catholics of not being accepting. Sorry if I misunderstood!

ohtara · February 2012

As long as your baby is baptized in the trinity, "in the name of the father, son, holy ghost", it is a valid baptism in most any Christian denomination. That way if baby grows up and decides it wants to be Catholic or it wants to be Anglican or whatever.. it will be accepted as long as it's a Christian Church.

LilyPotter218 · February 2012

APendola:
I was raised Catholic and from my understanding, the Catholic church usually isn't very open to a middle ground. If you bapitize the kids Catholic, they expect that the children will be raised Catholic.

This. The Catholic church is not exactly known for being flexible

We will be baptizing her in the Catholic church, but neither of us plan to be very strict about a Catholic upbringing. I "quit" after my First Communion, but DH went to church every Sunday, K-12 in Catholic schools.

In our situation it is more important to the rest of the family than it is to us, but we are avoiding a very ugly situation by giving in. All the right reasons to do it...

526SadieSadie · February 2012

I'm currently having this same problem. We were both raised Catholic but we're agnostic at best (I'm pretty much a non-believer).

I can't offer much advice other than to say, a baptism is a baptism, whenever you do it. She won't be more a member of either church if she's baptised as a newborn as opposed to waiting and doing it when she's older. Would your boyfriend consider waiting so the two of you can think about it longer and come to a compromise you can both live with?

turtlebug12 · February 2012

my aunt is presbytarian and my uncle is catholic. both of their kids were baptized catholic and the parents took turns each week taking them to their respective churches. they were raised in both faiths and eventually chose their own (i don't think either of them chose catholic for themselves) It seemed to work out pretty well. If you aren't that religious and your husband is, i would let him have this one, but thats just me.

claudiaudia · February 2012

sexymama0520:
Ive read that you can "dedicate" in place of baptizing. Does anyone know anything more about that?? I wasnt too sure what it meant.

I am a part of the Canadian Missionary and Alliance Church (which is just plain old Christian, not terribly dissimilar to Pentecostals) and we recognize baby dedications instead of infant baptism.

To my knowledge this is a non-Catholic act, but it's more of the parents standing before their congregation saying that they will raise their child under the guidance of the Holy Trinity. The church body is supposed to witness that they understand that the parents will be doing this, and that they, too, will help how they can to raise said child (the village to raise a child mentality).

It's not the same as baptism because there is no person accepting the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit at this time. There's no immersion in water, either.

We went through this, but because we're not Catholic, it's very common. Usually the baby has a dedication when it's a bit older (some kids as old as four have been dedicated in our church) . It was actually very nice - because then the child still makes their own choices, spiritually, as they grow older in regards to being baptised in whatever denomination they feel is best later in life.

Hope this helps!

sexymama0520 · February 2012

I like this idea. I wasnt sure if I could just baptize her "christian".

My boyfriend and I for now have agreed to "talk later" as we couldnt really come to an agreement the last time we had the conversation. We dont want to argue or put down each others religions but he was quite shocked when I said we dont pray to the virgin mary (i had no idea how big of a deal that was to catholics)

Also he has suggested that we choose my mom and stepdad to be the godparents. (his mother is much older and his father has passed) Wont this make a difference since they are not catholic?

I think Anglican or Christian would work best - that way she has the option when shes older bcuz I am sure there will still be aspects of catholicism (if thats the right word ? idk) in our house. and like I said - his daughter who we have 2 out of 4 weeks is catholic so its not like it will be a foreign subject in our home. and Im fine with that.

I dont think we will baptize her right away. Im just worried about upsetting/offending his mother thats all so I wanted some advice on how to handle it in a sensitive way.

judahsmommy1 · February 2012

I think a really important question to ask is why is the baptism question important to the two of you as individuals? Is it a tradition question or is it a life after death issue. Basically what I'm trying to say is that if one of you wants to baptize according to your religion because that's the tradition, that's valid; but if the other is concerned about the eternal salvation of your child in the case that she isn't baptized I think that person has more of an emotional stake in the issue. Does that make sense? Either way, I think understanding why these things are important to your S.O. is really important.

Nikko Blue · February 2012

jenniferb123006:
TravelSnob:
JennDave+1:

The two religions are VERY similar. Even though a lot of Catholics would differ. I have been involved in both religions for the last 13 years. Anglicans are very accepting no matter what religion unfortunately Catholics are not ( I am not trying to attack anyones religion here this is just what I have dealt with on DH's side of the family).

I highly disagree with your bolded comment and think this is a complete generalization. I am Catholic and have serveral friends and family members who are not. I am very accepting of their religion, going to their baptisms and sometimes their church services when a special event is happening. Also as a teenager, I went to several different churches to learn about different religions with the full acceptance of my Catholic family.

My priest is also very accepting of other religions and welcomes other religions to mass with open arms. I'm sorry that your DH's family isn't as accepting but it doesn't mean all Catholics aren't.

Not trying to be snarky but it sounded like you were accusing all Catholics of not being accepting. Sorry if I misunderstood!

Thank you for saying this. I was slightly offended as well, because I grew up Catholic, and my family is very accepting. I even attended a Presbyterian church and was married in one as an adult and my parents and loved ones fully supported that decision.

In my experience, it is the other way around with friends and DH's family not being accepting when they are Protestant denominations. DH's mom is the worst! I think you find people who are not accepting from all denominations. I would never make a blanket statement about any Christian denomination based on a few.

I was raised Catholic as well. While most Catholic lay people are open/welcoming to people of other religions, in general, the Catholic Church (as an organization) is very rigid as to what is/isn't acceptable.

camillaandcarson · February 2012

sexymama0520:
I didnt know that if we baptized her Anglican she would still be accepted into the Catholic church.

When individuals are converting to the Catholic faith they must be baptized before receiving the other sacraments and the CC recognizes most baptisms as valid that are done with other Christian religions. On the other side of this there are other Christian religions that don't view baby baptism as valid and want to do baptism again later on in life.

A baby baptism is a very special time though and honestly I don't see any problem with getting the baby baptized in both churches if that is what you both want as parents. The priest might have a problem with it due to the fact you are unsure of the way you want to raise the child, but he might not for the sake of the child to be baptized. It can really vary and you would have to speak with a priest about your specifics.

KeptSwimming · February 2012

My husband is Catholic and I am Baptist. When my daughter was five months old, we baptized her in the Catholic faith to free my husband from worrying about original sin, should, God forbid, anything happen to her. (In the Catholic faith, baptism absolves infants from going to purgatory as a result of original sin.) While I believe she should have the choice in accepting her belief in God, this was our compromise as it was very near and dear to my husband. Currently, my daughter is three years old and we alternately take her to both churches (mine and his). I know as she gets older this may turn her off of religion, so we will need to discuss further how to tackle this issue. It's a tough one!

xokell2 · February 2012

Wait, Catholics can have children out of wedlock? I was baptized Lutheran, raised Catholic, and happily married a Jew. We had a non denominational dedication for my son

xokell2 · February 2012

Back in my day I wasn't allowed to be baptized catholic because my father was catholic but my mom was Lutheran.

TravelSnob · February 2012

xokell2:
Back in my day I wasn't allowed to be baptized catholic because my father was catholic but my mom was Lutheran.

As a child I was baptized Catholic even though my dad was Anglican with no problem.

When I contacted my church regarding baptism I was told that they don't even ask about the parents religion. Also, as long as at least one of the godparents have their confirmation the other doesn't need it but at least one needs to be confirmed. I guess it depends on your church because mine is not strict at all. They also marry people of different religions as long as one person was baptized catholic.

overtonhayes · February 2012

Yeeesh, I don't envy your position.

I agree with PPs though that the most important thing here is what you, the parents, want, and can agree on. Grandparents love their grandchildren. It won't matter to them whether they're raised Catholic or not and I'm sure they can at least be happy that you are choosing to baptise and raise your child to love God.

Not sure if this is something you would consider, or if it will help you to know, but I wasn't baptised/christened until I was 10 years old because my parents 'forgot' (and no, that's not supposed to say months!). I had no religious upbringing whatsoever and can't even tell you whether my parents believe in God or not, but I was christened at just the right age to be curious about it all and take it very seriously. My brother was christened at the same time and was six years old, and he has no interest in religion. So at the end of the day, I'm not trying to be so blase as to say "baptism isn't important" but it won't be the deciding factor in which faith your child follows.

Irishgypsy88 · February 2012

sexymama0520:

Also he has suggested that we choose my mom and stepdad to be the godparents. (his mother is much older and his father has passed) Wont this make a difference since they are not catholic?

It actually does make a difference. If you baptize a child in the Catholic Church, at least ONE of the godparents needs to be Catholic. I don't know where you are living, but I also know that in Pennsylvania, churches actually require one to be a practicing Catholic, and will request paperwork from that person's particular parish as proof (if they are not a member of the church where the baptism is being performed). [I know this because I'm originally from PA and when I lived in NJ and was asked to be my niece's godmother, I needed to get an official acknowledgement from my NJ church saying that I was a member of their parish and went to church, receiving the sacraments regularly. It was signed by the NJ pastor.] I'm not sure if any other states have that requirement (here in Maryland, we are not going to need document backup for our son's godparents), but if it will be an issue, you might want to check first.

Now, having said all that, the Catholic Church will acknowledge any Christian baptism. My SIL's family is Baptist, but not really practicing. Somehow, she never got baptized as a baby or child. So when she married my brother, she became Catholic (her choice) and went through baptism/First Holy Communion/Confirmation all at once after taking her classes. My mother was afraid she'd be in an accident before that happened and was ready to baptize her in the kitchen sink! (Yes, even that would be recognized as valid...nurses have been known to do it to children who are dying in the hospital.) My SIL told her she'd better not, because if she did, she couldn't get baptized "again" at the church ceremony. So, you only need one...the Catholic Church won't "do it again" for you since they'll say it's utterly unnecessary.

ARIES326 · February 2012

I say do it for your husband. I'm not really a good Catholic. I send my kid to Sunday school because I figure, "What harm can it do?" Also, I am going to baptize this baby for the same reason. Just to be consistent. There's times when I think why am I putting my kid through this? I'm not a true Catholic?". There's nothing wrong with letting your kids decide if they want to be Catholics or not. Does it really matter as long as your kid is learning moral values? Yes, it's worth it to go along with it for those reasons and it will make your family on His side happy. I don't see how anybody loses. Our kids are halves of their parents. Let her be her/him be their daddy's half. If you don't believe in baptism, it's just a little oily water poured over the head with some blessings and there's godparents and a nice party if you want. I always skip the big party thing. There's so many Catholic beliefs I seriously have trouble with, but the ceremonies and traditions are like a bowl of chicken soup. Just so nice!

I'm gonna get slammed by the hard-core Catholics and my dad would faint. But I do NOT go to church every Sunday, in fact almost never. My daughter has done her first communion also. Nobody is going to monitor your family or how hardcore Catholic you are. Anyway, GL with your decision.

naflmj · February 2012

How about checking out an Episcopal church? The service is very similar to Catholic as are many traditions but it is much more lax and they are a lot more open to differing viewpoints. BIL and SIL met in the middle with that and both are very happy...she was a very strict Catholic but he wasn't comfortable with it.

With us, DH grew up much more connected to his faith than I did so I converted from Catholicism to his religion (Presbyterian). I feel like since he grew up so much more involved with church, it made sense to follow that.

naflmj · February 2012

celestialnyte:
If you baptize under United Church of Christ, the Catholic church will observe that as a 'real' baptism under Catholicism.

I did not know this...interesting.

elfinali · February 2012

My mother was raised Catholic and my Dad Presbyterian. I was baptized in a Methodist church as a baby. Then, when I was in kindergarten my Dad changed over to the Catholic church. My mom asked if I needed to be baptized Catholic, but the answer was no, my Methodist baptism counted

20 years later I have been confirmed and even got married in the catholic church.

JeffNessa810 · February 2012

I just thought I'd throw my little story in here.

When I was born, my parents wanted to wait to baptize us until we were old enough to choose. My grandmother (Irish Catholic) was very uncomfotable with this and privatly baptized me so that I would not end up in purgatory if anything happened to me. She recently admitted to this. She did it for all of my syblings- she even privately blessed my sister's grave when my mother had a still born. I'm not offended and my parents kind of laugh about it. I think it's cute, it shows me how much she loves us. I don't regularly go to church- although, when I do, I go to an episcopal church because DH's uncle is a priest but I think that I'll have my baby baptized if for no other reason but for my grandmother. I don't think she'll have a problem with an episcopal ceremony- she loves DH's uncle. Besides, it's a step up from a private hush hush in her bedroom.

mykiwidog · February 2012

I was raised Catholic and went to Catholic school. My husband is Methodist, he maybe went to church for 3 years or so in his childhood so there just wasn't a big religious example in his life. I was active in the Church when our son was born and he was not active in any church so for us it made sense to baptize out son Catholic since I would be taking him to church with me. Its a tough decision and requires alot of discussion. There are alot of great pieces of advice on here. Good luck with your decision... there's no hurry in baptizing... our son was like 18 months old when we finally did it so take your time and feel good about your choice

sexymama0520 · February 2012

Yes I think there is a lot of GREAT advice on here! Tysm! I think I will bring it up again when we both have a little time and say we should wait. Theres a lot of information on here I wasnt even aware of. But I think he will be ok with waiting at least a little while.
Although neither of us go to church, we both pray at night and talk openly about God so I know our baby will have a relationship with Him

I was always under the impression that baptism (especially in the Catholic church) was kind of a promise that you will be raising your child under that particular religion. I dont think I feel comfortable saying that I will do so when I know I wont be. I feel like it would be a lie to God.
Something that I think will play a big part is that the people we want to be the Godparents ( my mom and stepdad) are not Catholic. Which may decide for us right there.

I just hope MIL isnt offended because that is what I worry about. DH has a lot of neices and nephews - all of whom are Catholic - so our child would be the only one on his side of the family. Ahh decisions decisions... Tongue Tied

sexymama0520 · February 2012

I think this is a cute story and I can totally see my MIL doing something like this without us knowing! lol

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