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What do you think about this... re: vasectomy
Ok, so I was talking to a friend on the phone this weekend. She asked if my DH would be getting a vasectomy after this baby and I said yes. Then I inquired about hers (we are all friends) and she said no. He wants her to get her tubes tied (she is pregnant with their first and they hope to have one more) eventually. I asked her why and apparently he told her, well, if something happens to you, I want to be able to get remarried and have more kids.
I was sort of dumbstruck so I said, well what about if something happened to you? And according to her, his outlook is that since she is almost 35, she probably wouldn't be having kids with anyone else because she'll be older, so it makes more sense for her to have her tubes tied than for him to have a vasectomy. (never mind that it's a less invasive procedure, etc)
I honestly didn't know what to say. Her husband is very controlling, so he has some issues. I tried to make light of it and just say well he must be kidding, no one would really say that to their wife! And she was like, no he was serious. And I just let it go because I couldn't think of anything nice to say.
Wouldn't you be so hurt and appalled if your husband said that to you? I just can't get over it. He is definitely a piece of work, but to say that out loud to your wife? Terrible.
I am so thankful my husband, even with his faults, is generally a kind and considerate and not-controlling person. And I feel so bad for my friend... I am sort of nervous for her to be honest.
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Re: What do you think about this... re: vasectomy
If my DH said that to me, he wouldn't need a vasectomy because I wouldn't be having sex with him anymore.
Joking aside, I feel bad for your friend as well. I don't understand the mentality of your friend's DH. I think that permanent birth control options should be discussed and agreed upon by both parties. If either of them don't want to take permanent measures, maybe they should find another method for the time being.
DD #2 - 03.13
That is really bad. I mean, if she dies, he'll (in theory) have the two children from this marriage. I am assuming he is older also. Is he saying he'd up and make a whole new family at 45? (Not saying people don't do this, but. . . )
Neither DH nor I have done anything permanent to prevent more children, but if we ever decide to, he knows that he will be getting the big V and is fine with that. I had a c/s AND a vaginal birth and I have done my time in that area, thankyouverymuch. His would be a quick outpatient procedure rather than abdominal surgery. Your friend's husband is a jerk and I wouldn't be having children with him. If I were her, I'd tell him he can get a V if he wants- I won't be getting my tubes tied.
He sounds like a great catch
I hope she keeps her tubes UNtied and keeps her options open... ya know... "just incase"
I know. It is so hard to watch. He used to be a really cool guy (I introduced them... yikes) and he has really changed. Even my husband doesn't get it. She can't really win arguments with him so I don't know how this will all shake out. Luckily it's not for awhile so hopefully it doesn't come up again. He is 36. There are so many more stories about the things he says and does.... ugh.
Yeah, I would be a wee bit upset if DH had said that to me. We did, on the off chance that I would need a C/S for this delivery talk about me having my tubes tied while I was already open. But this is my 3rd baby and I'm done whether or not something happens and I get remarried or not.
No way would DH suggest such an invasive procedure, and to say something so crass as that would be inexcusable. Thoughts like that, you keep in your head.
BTW, DH has his Vas consult a week after my LO is born, but it was totally his idea, since we know we are done and he knows he's done, even if something happened to me.
I think your situation/conversation was entirely different. I completely see how you and your husband would have that rational conversation. I didn't get the sense that this is how it went down with them. He is able to rationalize the craziest stuff in his head and then she ends up going along with it. This wasn't a will/trust conversation. They were just talking about family planning and for him to somehow imply that his needs were different/superior to hers is so hurtful to me.
My husband and I talk about what-ifs too. And for sure... if God forbid something happened to me, I'd want him to move on with his life and remarry. A big part of it would be wanting him to find a good mother figure for our kids. He feels the same for me. I am also (almost) 35. My husband has never said, well, you should have your tubes tied in case something happens so I can keep having kids with someone else (essentially).
Trust me, I know. She is my closest friend. It is very difficult to watch. He is very manipulative and ... controlling. It is not a healthy situation. I think they really love each other but ... it's just not good. I don't know why she is moving forward... probably because she wants kids. I don't know. Or she figured it's too late to remarry and have kids. No idea. I try not to pry or ask too many questions about his crazy behaviors because I don't want to upset her.
She also is the breadwinner while he has stayed home the past two years and not worked to get two online masters degrees. He will stay home with the baby. Nothing wrong with a SAHD, at all, but.... anyway.
I sort of get where you are coming from, although I am still not crazy about the rationale.
As far as I know he only wants the 2-ish kids they've agreed upon, so I don't understand what his deal is.
I can understand the guy's point. Maybe he is a controlling jerk, too, but if my DH told me he didn't want a vasectomy for that reason, I would respect his choice.
As it happens, my DH is willing to get a vasectomy when we're ready to call it quits, but I don't want him to do it until our second child is at least a year old. Not because I think I'll want a third child...I'm quite sure I don't. But if something happened to one of our kids within the next couple of years, we'd still have a small window of fertility to try again for another child. As morbid as this sounds, it's something we've discussed. Hopefully we'll never be in this position, but we like to keep our options open.
Wow. I would be upset if DH said that to me. He sounds very controlling...sounds like my sister and her husband.
H and I have had what-if conversations as well especially when we had our wills done. He never said anything like that to me and would not. He has had a vasectomy and it was not an issue at all.
DH and I had a similar conversation only reversed. This is baby #3 for me and I have two stepchildren. This is DH's 5th child. I'm done at 5 but don't know if I would be done with 3. If something were to happen to DH I wouldn't have any rights to see SS and SD and their mom hates me so I probably wouldn't. DH knows that he is done with 5. Even if something were to happen to me he doesn't want anymore and he said he wouldn't marry someone who did. We have decided that DH will get a vasectomy even though me getting my tubes tied would be much easier since I'll have a c-section.
The conversation your friend and her DH had does sound very strange. I really hope she doesn't do something to her body that she will regret later.
Wow. He sounds like a real gem.
This will definitely be our last child and DH has offered to get a vasectomy. He said that I will have carried 3 babies, so the least he can do is 'take one for the team'. Plus, he said it's an easier/less invasive procedure for him than it would be for me.
This was my thought exactly.
I don't know. While I think it would shock me if DH said something like that to me, that's the exact reason why my mom had her tubes tied. My dad didn't ask her to, but she told him that at 34, she was done with having babies, but if something happened to her, she wanted him to have the option of having more children with his new wife.
When DH and I were discussing vasectomy vs. tubal I actually brought this issue up to him. I knew I was done having kids no matter what but my husband is very youthful and if something happened to me I can easily see him having more kids with someone else. I think its a valid thing to discuss but its unfortunate your friend's DH handled it poorly.
I have a few very close friends who had vasectomies or tubes tied because they were sure their marriages were intact and they were done having kids. All three of them ended up divorced, remarried and wanting more kids in their late 30's/early 40's. The reversal process was very difficult for all of them. You just never know what the future will bring.