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Blended Families
I'm the meanest mom, EVER... apparently
My SD is 8. She was 6 when DH and I got married. The night of our rehearsal dinner when we gave gifts to our wedding party we gave her an American Girl doll that used to be mine, in a dress that exactly matched her flower girl dress. She loved it. Since then she has recieved 3 additional dolls from my in-laws (they ALWAYS go over the top). My mother also let her bring home the clothes and accessories that used to be mine.
I was fine with it at the time. However, my SD is not a very responsible kid. And it seems to be getting worse instead of better. It has been a constant source of tension in our house lately (she doesn't know when her assignments are due at school, she lost her retainer, she scratched her glasses and they had to be replaced, etc...)
Yesterday I went into her room to change her sheets and ended up just cleaning her whole room (she is at BMs until tomorrow afternoon). There were snotty tissues everywhere from the last time she had a cold (mind you, she has a wastebasket right by her bed), dirty clothes and food wrappers under her bed (she has her own hamper in her room), and all my doll clothes and accessories were strewn all over the place getting dirty and obviously having been trampled on etc...
So I took them. I separated out all the stuff that is hers and put it back and took all the stuff that was mine (except the doll we gave her as a gift) and am planning to take it back to my parents house to store. I do not plan to make a big deal about it, I will not yell at her about it, and honestly it would probably be awhile before she even noticed they were gone. But my DH is acting like I'm being a b!tch. He thinks it's mean to take those things back after they were given to her, claiming it's like taking back a birthday gift. He says I am being too hard on her, that I should show a little compassion because nothing at BMs house has to be taken care of and she just doesn't know any better... etc...
WDYT? Am I within my right to take the stuff back? I have a 6 month old daughter and I would hope that someday she can play with this stuff too, but that will obviously not happen if I allow it all to be destroyed. And honestly I am sick of hearing the "cut her some slack, it's all BMs fault" argument. I think if she can't treat stuff right then she shouldn't be allowed to have it.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: I'm the meanest mom, EVER... apparently
You and YH are the parents in your home. If you want her to take care of things, then teach her. Show her how you expect her to care for her things, explain the consequences for not doing so, and then stick to them consistently.
Sorry, but I think you're handling this exactly the wrong way. If you take the things away from her without using it as an opportunity to teach her, you're missing the point of parenting IMO. I also think it's thoughtless to give a young child something you care about, and then get upset when it's not kept up on a pedestal. Kids think toys are to be played with.
Unless you told her that the doll and the clothes were yours and you were allowing her to play with them, then no, you are not at all right to take them.
I actually agree. You'd be better to use it as a teaching moment. Perhaps you put some of the doll clothes, some of the toys, some of her clothes, etc away and explain that right now all of the toys may be overwhelming and therefore hard to care for. Don't just take your doll clothes. Teach her to care for the dolls, her other toys, clothes, etc. and when she can keep her room together, she can earn her stuff back. For all kids, a ton of toys can be difficult. They pull everything out and play with it. It's much easier and more fun to pull it out than to put it up. Kids can compartmentalize homes better than we give them credit for, I think. She'll learn expectations at your house vs. BM's house.
I'm with your H on this one. They were given to her, and so they are hers. When DD doesn't pick up her toys after being told they are taken temporarily, but always given back eventually (usually after making her do some ridiculous task).
As far as my SKs, I've pretty much given up on them picking up their stuff. DH has to clean SS's room because I won't touch, and while the girls are usually pretty good I will collect their random stuff and put it in a bag for them to put away the next time they come over.
She is only 8 years old. She should certainly be taught how to care for things but at 8 her idea of caring for toys might not be the same as yours. (especially if you resent that she has your old doll because you would rather give it to your daughter which is what it sound like)
How about you cut her some slack not only because rules are different at her mom's house but because she's 8 years old and still learning. AT her young age she has already had to deal with parents separating and a step-mother (possibly step-father, i don't know that situation) She has two sets of rules and has two households to fit into. IT's hard enough for some children to learn to pick up after themselves when it's enforced by everyone.
I think you are really being mean. If the stuff has been given to her it is now her property. Taking it back only to give it to your own daughter would probably have quite an impact but not in any positive manner.
No, you are not in the wrong here. IF, and only IF, you explained to her that these were your toys as a little girl, that she needs to take care of them, etc.
When my SD showed an interest in the type of toys that I had saved from my childhood, I told her that they were hers to play with as long as she took care of them. When I found them thrown in a closet, I repossesed them. She noticed them missing several weeks later. And she earned the right to play with them after she started taking care of her toys.
She got them back and I have no doubt that they will still be in good condition when DD wants to play with them in the future. And DD will be told the same thing about their care. And will lose them if she doesn't take care of them as well.
And as far as taking HER things, you separated out what had been yours and what had only been hers.
Just my .02 worth. AG items are expensive and should be taken care of anyway!
my SD is 5 and I have already taught her that she can do whatever she wants at her mommy's house (her room is completely and utterly disgusting there) but at me and daddy's house we clean up our room when we are done playing with toys. we started with a routine that we cleaned up before meals or bed, so 3x a day, now she is in the habit (at our house atleast) of putting away her toys when she is done playing with them. she knows that trash goes in the garbage and we only eat or drink in the kitchen. my DS is 2 and he also follows similar rules. we only eat or drink in the kitchen and he helps me clean his room before nap time and bedtime (he still needs some help of course).
You can EASILY use this as a teaching thing. at 8 years old SD should be able to differentiate between her behavior at BM's house and at your house if you set rules and there are rewards for good behavior and punishment for bad behavior.
start by sitting down with SD, explain that the way she has been leaving her room is not acceptible. you cleaned it for her, she needs to thank you for that. you have also taken away some of the toys that were not being taken care of (you need to take more than just the AG clothes, since it seems like you would want these back to begin with, and if she's not taking care of them I definitely don't blame you)
tell her that before she leaves for school or goes to BM's house she needs to have the toys put where they belong, trash in the garbage etc.. everytime she does this she gets a sticker on a sticker chart. once she has say 10 stickers she can get a certain toy back to play with, but if you you find her destroying toys beyond repair (such as cutting clothes or writing on stuffed animals etc) then she loses those toys plus one additional. etc
you need to set the rules and make sure she understands them before she can be punished for bad behavior/ rewarded for good
While I agree with pp in that this should be used as a teachable moment for an 8 yr old who is still learning and should be given an opportunity to make it right, I disagree that they belong to her and cant be taken.
DH & I live by Bill Cosby's rule. In one of his shows (based on his stand up) he said, "your mother and I are rich. You have NOTHING!" Dh & I tell ALL our kids this. You have nothing and everything you have is on loan while you live in this house but can all be taken away if not appreciated and or when you leave home. Your room is on loan, clothes, etc.. and is a privilige to living in our home that WE paid for.
That's the problem now with kids. They have an attitude of entidelment instead of being appreciative for what they have. And you're starting to see it at a very young age.
8 year old girls are messy and disorganized by nature. Both my girls do the same things your SD is doing so I understand your frustration.
What I did with my girls has so far worked. I went in their room and cleaned while they were at school. Everything that was tossed halfhazardly around the room was put into a box and trash was left where it was. When they got home I had them throw all the trash away, then we went through the box together and I showed them where/how those things were supposed to be cared for and put away. Then they got their warning: if things weren't put away properly they would be taken away and the girls had to earn the toys back, one by one. They called my bluff one time, and when they realized I wasn't bluffing they got their booties in gear.
Give her another chance. Explain to her that you expect things to be put away properly and how things should be cared for. Maybe she just needs to be told how you feel about the doll clothes that belonged to you. She may not think its a big deal (because after all, she's 8), but after you talk with her she'll know how you feel.
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I think it would be wrong to take the toys back completely but it would be fine to take them back for a little while until SD can show you that she can be responsible with what she has.
When Dh and I first got married I gave SD some things that were mine when I was little. She had a hard time taking proper care of them along with some other things that were hers. Being responsible for her own things was very new to her. I took a lot of stuff away and put in up on a shelf in our basement. To be able to earn things back she had to be able to show me that she could take care of what she had. If she hadn't started taking care of things I never would have let her have them again. This is how I handle things with SS and my DSs as well.
I also don't think you should be cleaning SD's room. At 8 she should at least be helping to keep it clean. Finding those tissues is really gross. You shouldn't have to touch someone else's snot and I'd be making her clean that kind of thing up. It's too late this time but in the future I think should should have to take better care of her room and clean it up when she doesn't.
This. All of it, including earning the clothes back by demonstrating responsibility and you not picking up SD's snotty tissues!
My DD (8 at the time) did not take care of things and she had an American Girl bed that broke b/c she piled books, etc. on top. Unfortunately, it was discontinued and she learned her lesson the hard way - she didn't take care of it and now it is gone. I don't think it's fair that something you have saved for 20+ years should meet the same fate as your SD learns how to take care of things. Put them away until she can demonstrate responsibility. If she has so many other toys she doesn't care, she won't get them back, but if she shows you she can appreciate and care for things, then she can.
I LOVE THIS!
I agree with Saran
In our household, if you can't take care of your things they go. The best thing we have done is take away 80% of my SDs toys when we got frustrated that they were abusing their things. With less things they actually seem less bored, and have an easier time taking care of things.
I think you should explain to your SD that all those toys are a privilege and not a right and she can earn things back by taking care of what you have left.
As a comedy routine it's fine as a way to actually live it's too simple. I believe you can teach kids to respect things without having to insist they own nothing. But the important thing to me about the OP was not that she wanted to take toys but she wanted to take "her" toys.
It did not seem to be much about lesson teaching and only about saving "her" toys for her own daughter.
My kids were raised knowing they had possessions that they owned and had to care for. They learned to respect their own property not that it was mine and I could take it away.
Well if you do your research on Bill Cosby, his "routine" is based on how he and his wife raised their children. It's not made up comedy for laughs. All that stuff sounds good but we have a generation of spoiled brats with parents who are afraid to stand up and be parents cause they dont want to hurt the childs feelings. Of course you have to teach your children how to take care of stuff and as I said earlier, give them an opportunity to earn stuff back. But in the end, Dh & I provided all the perks, toys, vacations, clothes and roof thru bustin OUR butts and in the event they lose all appreciation for it by walking around with entidelment attitudes, it will quickly be taken away.
And the fact that they are aware of our stance, we find ourselves blessed with very appreciative children for the blessed life that they have and use many opportunities to give back to other children/people in need and actually say thank you quite often. They remind THEIR friends to be thankful for what they have and actually clean their rooms and pick up their toys and the end of each day without us asking. Hmmm, go figure. A "comedy skit" is actually working in our home.
I'm all for taking things away if they aren't being used and cared for appropriately. We tell the kids what we expect, and they know the consequences ahead of time. When something is taken away, they know exactly why. They also know what to do to earn back the privilege/item.
But do you guys really think this is what the OP is talking about? Because that's not at all how I read it.
I'm confused as to why everyone is saying that the clothes were given to her, nowhere does it say that. And I don't believe that OP said that the room was a mess without her knowing.
I agree with the idea of consequences! I can totally relate, my SD is nearly 10 and without constant supervision would destroy her toys, my child hood toysand my daughters toys and live in a pig sty. Because of her sneakieness we actually lock, and hide a key to all candy in the house. If we did not do this, she would fill up on candy and previously stashed the wrappers throughout the house. Most of her toys that she had prior to my fiance and I moving in together, were gotten rid of beacuse of the condition she left them in. If we did not look in her room everyday, it would be a disaster.
Often, she is less organized and responsible then my four yearold. Who puts laundry wash clothes, ect in the laundry basket. my SD still requires reminders. It is very frustrating, but with consequences. We have seen improvements. We have taken her ipod and DS away for over a week.
I think it is sad that your husband is not supporting you. You 2 need to be on the same page.
I don't need to research his routine or him because I clearly stated I think it's fine as a comedy routine, I do not think it's a good way to raise your kids. That's how I feel whether he said it because he believes it or not, it's not the point.
IT IS possible to raise kids who don't feel entitled to everything without using the methods you suggest and I have. (they are teens right now so I'm not done yet)
I just DON"T agree with the method and the main point about the OP was that I don't feel that has anything to do with the reasoning for taking away the toys.
Well maybe your way works for certain people depending on what their kids have. I'm not going to trip over doll clothes, dsi's, bikes etc... In our community, these kids are wearing designer clothes, driving maybach's and wearing diamonds. That's just the reality of what it is so while I have no problem letting a child earn things back (as I said in my earlier post), if I keep telling my kid to stop cutting slits in their $200 jeans, at some point, I have to say, "you know what, the $200 jeans are now mine. Say bye bye." And as a parent, I have to draw the line somewhere and not be worried that my kid wont like me or will grow up with issues. If she want's to wear $200 jeans going forward, she can get a job or do chores around the house to earn the money.
My SS's friend next door got in trouble for running his moped into their garage door (AGAIN), tearing it up and it was taken away (AGAIN). What did he say, "Ahh, I'm not worried. I'll get it back in a couple of weeks". With a laugh. His mama kept threatening to take it for good but he knew it wouldn't happen. What did ss say? "Man, that's not cool. If that was me (and he also has one), that thing would be up the street at the Goodwill!" See, his mama talks to him and tells him about how to care for his things and how his dad works hard for what he has, but to a 10 yr old, they have to have boundaries. That says, yes, there are second chances but in the end, if you dont listen, it's gone. They know that at some point, I will have to answer for my poor choices.
I guess I should have explained a little better, but I felt like I was getting long winded.
My H and I have discussed at length with SD that she needs to keep her things neat or they will get damaged and we will not replace them. We have tried taking them away for periods of time, but it doesn't even phase her. My things were given to her to play with, not as a gift for her birthday or Christmas. She would get them out when we went to my parents' house and one day my mom asked me if I thought she could take them home. And while I understand that these particular things are not as important to her as they are to me, I do not think the fact that she was given them to play with also gives her license to destroy them.
The fact is I do have another child that I would like to pass these things down to. If DD absues them I will take them from her also.
As for the condition of her room, she is made to pick up every night for 15 minutes before bed. It didn't actually look too bad in there until I went to strip the bed. Apparently her idea of cleaning her room is to shove everything under the bed or on the side of the bed you can't see from the door. DH and I discussed this with her last night. DH told her if she can't keep under her bed clean he will put her mattress directly on the floor so it's not a problem any more.
I did end up packing up the toys that used to be mine and returning them to my parents house. I sat down with her and explained that I didn't feel like she was able to care for them right now, and that maybe when she was a little older and could show a little more responsibility we could bring them back to our house. In the meantime she is welcome to play with them when we go to visit my parents (usually about 3x/month).
I appreciate all your advice and viewpoints.