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Attachment Parenting
Xp from BMB: differences in parenting styles
I lurk here often but rarely post. I'm really wondering if you ladies have anything to add here though.
As a FTM I am a noob to the realm of friendships involving children. I am just curious what your experiences have been like.
Have you had a friendship suffer/end due to differences in parenting styles?
Do you still have friends or maybe even a family member that you hang out with even though you disagree with a lot of their parenting choices?
When do you find the need (if ever) to speak up about your opinion in regard to raising/disciplining children?
Feel free to answer one, all or none of these questions. TIA
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Re: Xp from BMB: differences in parenting styles
Well, my philosophy is different strokes for different folks. We have friends that run the gamut. I do talk about my parenting style, but unless it's directly affecting my LO I don't base friendships on parenting styles. Kind of like religion and politics. If I only choose friends that had the same beliefs as I do, my circle would be pretty limited.
That being said, I did stop going to a playgroup because I could not stand to be around some of the moms who would scream at their kids and generally treat them like crap. One mom was berating their 4 year old because he wasn't potty trained yet. ugh. So that was a bad situation, but I wasn't really friends with them.
I do talk about my choices - cosleeping, non-CIO (Particularly before 6 months), cloth diapering, babywearing. But I only bring them up if people are seeking advice or if it's a topic of conversation.
I think as LO gets older, discipline and things like that will become more important. I was recently with my parents, who used "no" with LO and it really became annoying. She now says no to everything. So if something like that comes up with playmates/parenting I will have to figure out what i'm going to do...
hope this helps!
Yes, your responses are helpful. Thanks so much. It is so difficult being one of the last people to have kids in our group. My sis and cousins have kids even going on teens. My Dh's family all have kids most going into thier teens. I absoutly hate being told what to expect or how to parent when i'm not asking.
I feel like we will make a lot of different choices than they made. CDing, BFing, co-sleeping, BLW for example. I am just trying to wrap my mind around things now before everyone looks at us (mainly me) as some sort of freak.
I have a sister and some SIL who are much more conventional, and it's never been a problem (well, sometimes my sister will act like I'm insane for co-sleeping, or that there's something wrong with my 16-mo-old nursing to sleep, but she's my older sister, so of course she acts like that!). I have friends who are more conventional also, and it's also not a problem. I'm pretty open about the fact that my kids co-sleep when they're little, and have never had to defend it with friends.
I dunno, it's just not a big deal in real life, sort of like med-free birth vs. epidurals, or breastfeeding vs. formula - it's high drama online (and especially on the bump!), but in real life, not so much.
Oh, aaaaand I also only really talk about my parenting choices if I'm directly asked, you know? If someone's yammering on about how all babies need to be in the crib or something, meh, it's not worth starting a fight. Everyone raises their kids how they want (short of abusing them, obviously).
DS2 - Oct 2010 (my VBAC baby!)
Yeah i agree that we will get crap from ppl. I KWYM about not getting too into our plans for BWing and making our own food ect. My sis is already giving my crap. I posed these questions on TB to see how ppl felt about telling others their opinions and what not. Most people said they keep their opinion to themselves. Yet, i feel like RL is different. I don't know if its just cuz we are the last ones to be having kids so they feel they are helping us. It really bothers me when ppl tell me oh they'll do this or be prepared for blah. I feel like they had their turn to learn on their own and we should be entitled to ours.
I only say something if it directly relates to my LO's. First let me explain that my 7 year old SD might as well just be mine biologically. I have been in her life since she was 14 months old and she is only allowed 1 supervised 4 hour visit a month with her BM. Though her BM rarely shows up for it. Once very 4 months or so she will show.
Anyways, my MIL was diciplining SD when she was around 4, she made her go out and find a "hickory switch" and proceded to whip her butt with it.
Now not getting into a spank or no spank dillema here either way, you will not hit my child with a peice of wood torn from a tree. I find that ludicrous, and they knew that. Then I said something.
If another child hurts SD in front of their parent and the parent says nothing I will either say to both kids that playing like that isn't appropriate or I will remove Katelyn if the other paret refuses to do something about the behavior.
The only friendship that has been affected is with my BFF who is also the kids Godmother. SHe constantly yells at Katelyn for doing things that kids do, and I mean YELLS. I will not stand for it and if she does it I either leave or ask them to leave. And we take time away from them for a while.
But unless they are directly hurting or affecting my child or actually abusing their own it hasn't affected any friendships negatively. Granted I kind of border the AP style.
I do not CIO, But I try not to bedshare (although DS is adamant that he will be sleeping with me) I EBF and I babywear, but if SD is doing something to put her life in danger I am apt to give her a swift quick swat on the butt to get her attention and to let her know the seriousness. We use alternate words to no and we talk it out more often than not and we value her emotions and feelings. And we BLW. It hasn't caused any problems with anyone but the Inlaws.
This.
I have a friend who has a LO 4mos older than mine. We do a LOT of things differently, crib vs. cosleep, sposies vs cloth, FF vs. BF, etc. Pretty much we do nothing the same outside of love our LOs. In fact, she even ended up with an emergency c-section due to pre-e complications whereas I had med-free birth. BUT we are good friends and TBH those things don't matter to us.
Now as our LOs get older, if we have drastically different parenting styles it may cause friction if the LOs need correction and she spanks my kid or something. But for the most part we try to be respectful of each other's choices.
Basically people love to give parenting advice. With the baby it seems sleep focused, but I'm sure as he gets older it will change. I typically just nod and smile and say non-committal things like "Oh that's a good tip". Occasionally I will talk more, like with BIL/SIL who just had a newborn. But I always try to be very polite and mindful of their feelings. Plus what works for one kid doesn't work for another.
Thanks so much for your input ladies. I totally agree with the statement "There is no right parenting style, its just what is right for you."
I haven't really lost any friends, and differing parenting styles doesn't affect my relationships. I just wanted to say that the best advice I was given was to ignore other people's advice. I usually just listen, say "thanks for the input/words of wisdom/advice," and keep doing what I want to do and think is right. People will always offer what they assume is the best/right way to raise a child. You don't have to do it.
Good luck!
It really has nothing to do with the fact that you'll be parenting in a less conventional way. This happens to EVERYONE no matter what. You'll get it from friends, family, strangers at the grocery store-everyone loves to give their 2 cents. As already mentioned, don't try to get into discussions into what you're going to do. If someone tells you that you should do this or that, just say something like "thanks for the advice" and move on.
I've had friendships end over people being jerks, regardless of their parenting style. For example, one friendship ended because a friend and I disagreed over the ideal number of children and child spacing. I wouldn't cut off a friendship because someone wants to have no children, one child or 20 children, but this woman refused to accept that my choice was a valid one. I said I didn't want children close in age and that if that meant I waited too long to try to get pregnant again and it didn't happen, then I was okay with DD being an only child. She told me that was the most selfish thing she had ever heard and acted really nasty about the whole thing, going to the extreme of telling me my point of view was rooted in DH not being a supportive enough father to DD (WTH?). It made me keep a distance from her after that moment.
Similarly, I've seen friendships around me disintegrate due to differing opinions being communicated in a way that was not respectful. It's one thing to say, "hey, breast feeding a toddler isn't for me" and entirely another to say "you're disgusting for continuing to breast feed your toddler" or "you don't know how to discipline your child" or insert any other hostile remark.
In general, I would say most of my friends have a range of parenting styles but we generally agree about the issues that actually impact each other- disciplining our children during play dates with each other's kids, for example. I haven't been in many situations where I've felt a friend's child hit or bit DD and the parent didn't deal with it to my satisfaction.
I 100%agree with the statement. I have lost friendships or grown apart from friends based on my choices. I see it this way. It is right for me to BF, BW, BLW, co-sleep, VBAC, rock my babies and base my parenting on AP principals. It may not be right for you, and that is fine if it is not directly impacting my family.
My two very best friends are not AP and while they make random comments to me about not ever wanting a rocking chair, or that they will never BF their future children, I just nod and smile. They know that is NOT me but they haven't said anything yet that has pushed me into not wanting them around. I think when the time comes fro them to have babies they will do some of the things they bash. I don't tell them all the "strange" things I do or that I want to do. Don't ask don't tell.
I have made so many great new friends since my son was born. AP, BFing, CDing, BWing uber crunchy mamas that get me. When we are together we fit!
I think if you lose a friend over parenting differences, you are probably just a shitty friend with little perspective.
I mean, really?