no faith in my body

blueberries8 · February 2012

Lately I have been having some pretty dark thoughts. I just feel very angry at myself, at my body, and the world. I am often so convinced that I am going to lose my babies, that I feel like I can't bond with them. I am just so used to my body failing me in the reproductive department, it is very difficult to imagine getting my happy ending. I have been anxious the whole pregnancy, but as the pregnancy progresses, I feel these thoughts intensifying instead of lessening.

On the other hand, I am angry with myself that I can't try to enjoy this time - enjoy my growing belly, seeing the babies grow, picking out baby stuff and names, etc. (haven't started on either of those things yet and have no intention of doing so). I realize this might be my only pregnancy and I longed for it so badly - it would be nice to enjoy it a little.

I guess I over-idealized pregnancy in that I thought it would 'fix' me after all the pain I felt during our infertility struggle - maybe this is strange, but it is only in the aftermath of the infertility treatments that I realize exactly how much the whole ordeal changed me. I still feel so broken and I will admit it - bitter. I feel like just another "normal" pregnant woman, but my journey getting here was obviously not quite so normal.

I feel like such an impostor, especially when people ask all of the time whether twins run in the family (their tactful of asking whether the twins are spontaneous or the result of ART) and I always answer "Yes" (it's absolutely true, we have lots of multiples in my family). Since we were very private about our IF journey I feel like I am only perpetuating a lie.

In short, I am really terrified of losing these babies and so much so that I feel like the fear is taking over my life - it feels like a pathological fear, not just an occasional dark thought. Sorry to bring my negativity here...but does anyone relate - especially to fear that has intensified as opposed to diminished as the pregnancy has progressed?

DesiraeSunshine · February 2012

There is always a chance something can happen, my own experience and that of some others is that twins are high risk and sometimes the pregnancies don't end well. You have to live life right now though, I know that if something happens whether or not you bond, you will be sad and miss them. No amount of not bonding will change that. Love your babies and enjoy them..... make memories. I totally get your feelings tho. IF blows

TJ1979 · February 2012

Oh blueberries, I'm so sorry to hear that you're still having such a hard time. I had thought that finally getting pregnant would 'fix' me too, but it didn't. I know some people are very sensitive to this idea, but have you thought about seeing a counselor? It might really help you to work through these feelings and forgive yourself. I don't think you'll ever stop be scared, but the darkness worries me. You need to take care of yourself for these babies. Feel better sweetie, this is not your fault, you have done nothing wrong, and you are doing everything you can to give these babies the best shot in the world. ((Hugs))

jbeck78 · February 2012

I dont think I ever felt the darkness so much, but I definately have been so scared this whole pregnancy. I am finally starting to relax a bit, because it will be my only pregnancy and I was finding myself not enjoying it because fear took over. I would always say, "once I get to this milestone I will feel better" and then it would be "well once I get to this point, I will feel better" finally my husband reminded me that I keep saying that and never relax. I thought, once I start feeling her, I will be better, but then you worry that you dont feel them as much, it will never really stop. I really had to stop, take a deep breath and enjoy my pregnancy because it does go fast and chances are everything will be fine. Yes, bad things happen, but we cant dwell on that. I do completely understand where you are coming from though ((hugs)) I hope it gets easier for you!

mdiblasi10 · February 2012

I am so sorry you are feeling that way I think we all have some fears, no matter how far along we get. It's managing those fears and not allowing them to ruin your enjoyment of this experience that is key. I hope you can find a "happy place" that you can turn your thoughts to when those dark thoughts creep up. (((hugs)))

Have you felt the babies move yet?! That's something exciting to look forward to

lovebug33 · February 2012

I feel you, sister! I pretend to everybody in my family that I think everything is okay but I am so convinced on Thursday I will go and there will be no baby. I keep just thinking that if I am positive, eventually I will believe it! I wish there was something else I could say because this post makes me sad for you.

drubie · February 2012

I know what you mean. I'm working very hard to try to stay positive, but it's a frequent battle with myself. I sometimes wish I had an ultrasound in my house, just so I could make sure the baby was there, heart beating, measuring right on track. It's hard to not let rational and irrational fears take over what should be an incredibly beautiful time in our lives, but that's the reality of what we've gone through. I do think it helps to talk about it, to have someone there to share your feelings with, without judgment or platitudes. I haven't been back to therapy for a bit, but when I was in my darkest IF times, I found it helpful to talk to this woman who needed nothing from me, who didn't want any kind of reciprocity for our conversations. Also know that we are all here for you.

snoangel79 · February 2012

Very hard time enjoying this pregnancy at all... I understand completely. I'm ready for these two to be here (I get worried they are inside and not growing as well as they should be plus I have other crap going on that I obviously don't want to "hurt"'them. The cholestasis, IUGR stuff, and now blood pressure going up.) It's just too much and I try to trust my doctors but it's hard!!

Edited to add: I know my babies would probably do pretty well if they were born right now, I'm almost 33w. I hope we are not pushing it by trying for 37w considering everything that is going on. I hate reading about stillborn due to high blood pressure, cholestasis, IUGR... I'm dealing with all three it frikin sucks! Before this sh*T hit the fan in 3rd tri it was getting them to Vday, worrying about my cervix, making it past 1st tri, making it past my lung collapse at 14w. It's been a wild, hard ride!!

kelnyc · February 2012

Oh BB, I'm so sorry you feel this way and have been unable to enjoy your pregnancy. The others have all said it well, so I will just add that therapy helps a lot for things like this... when we can't make sense of our feelings or enjoy life the way we "should be". I've been seeing a therapist specializing in anxiety and infertility since the summer (and for years back in NYC before moving) and it's a godsend. I highly recommend it.

Kitttkattt · February 2012

I felt the same way. I had a sense of doom hanging over me all the time, lots of anxiety. Like every day pregnant could be my last. I lost twins at 22 weeks. This time I did nothing til I was 28 weeks. Realistically, I was not going to spend money and waste time on a non viable baby, a baby that had no chance at survival, which is pretty much before 24 weeks. Then 24 weeks til you hit 28 weeks, death and significant disability is very common. So we started at 28 weeks, the time most babies survive and do fine. Which practically speaking meant meeting with contractors at 29 weeks, starting shopping at 30 weeks, and baby shopping at 31 weeks. It's so hectic right now, but I am 33 weeks and I would much rather have this stress than the stress of waiting to lost my baby every day. I'm sorry I'm not more encouraging, but the only thing that helps is time passing and baby getting bigger and more and more viable.

lhcooper · February 2012

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way, and I just want to say, I get it. My OB came into the room for my first appointment on Thursday all smiles and said "you're pregnant" and I said, "yeah, how about you prove to me it's still true." I wouldn't let her bring her med student into the room to observe because I was sure there was going to be bad news. I'm slowly getting more positive, but I refuse to get into buying clothes/things etc. until, well...quite a while from now.

And I know just what you mean about feeling like an imposter, but from another angle, which is that we used donor eggs. I've been talking about this with my therapist (I recommend that too, by the way, if you're open to it), but the thing is that when I tell people who don't know that we used donor eggs that I'm pregnant -- or at my prenatal yoga class, for example -- I feel like a fake, like it's not a "real" pregnancy somehow. So if you're an imposter, I'm twice that!

I bet once those two are using your uterus as what one novel I read called the "jungle-gym of inner space," you will start to feel a little better. But I think everyone here can identify with your feelings. For what it's worth, I have another friend who struggled with IF, had multiple losses, and never enjoyed being pregnant for her whole pregnancy. Her daughter turned 4 today, and my friend has been deeply in love with her since the moment she was born. I think it's a myth that pregnancy is supposed to be some fantastic time for every woman, so try not to put that pressure on yourself.

lunatwo · February 2012

I have the same feelings you are having. Especially when I see in so many people's siggies that they lost twins at 19w or whatever. That is REALLY starting to freak me out. I can't help but think that they were at the same point as I am and thought all was good and still lost their babies. So, I know that I will never be OK until these babies are in my arms. I think it's understandable that we feel this way and it's just an unfortunate thing that we won't be able to enjoy this like most people do. HOPEFULLY, though, we will have those babies in our arms in a few months and all of this will be over and we can get on with our lives. The IF chapter will finally be closed and it won't be such an obsession as it has been for so long. I think we just both need to make a conscious effort to chill out for the next few months. (if that's possible)

Hang in there!

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