Decided to ignore DS's crying in order to get things done

tqsbride · February 2012

Alll I ask for is just 60 min. to get things done or have some downtime since I'm 34 weeks pregnant. Why is it that DH can get DS to take a nap but I can't?!!? What am I doing wrong?!?! So, now DS is standing at the top of the stairs screaming his head off while I ignore him in order to complete a work assignment. I'm just so exhausted. I just don't know what I'm going to do when he outgrows naps. God, I just really need 1 hour a day--that's all.

Spenjamins · February 2012

Really? You do not get 60 minutes. You are a mother. Your kid is crying alone for 60 minutes? Address the issues but do not take your frustration out on a toddler, FFS.

tqsbride · February 2012

..and that's why it's called a rant. The end.

Leila'sMommy · February 2012

Do you have any friends or family who can give you a little break? If he wasn't going to nap, could you have put the TV on or given him a snack and quieted him down? That's what I do when DD just won't nap but we both need a break and some mostly quiet time.

Brewtowngrl · February 2012

Her child is safe behind a gate. He should be napping. Maybe tomorrow he will realize he won't get his way now.

DS stopped napping right before DS2 was born. He still had quiet time in his room for a few months. Then we did 30 min of TV.

kmhunt11 · February 2012

Our children are going to be almost the exact same age DD has a quiet time in her room every day. There is NOTHING wrong with that. DD's pediatrician told us at our 3 yr check up that if she's not going to sleep she still needs a quiet time to unwind. As long as she's relatively quiet and safe in her room, she stays up there for an hour. She knows that crying won't get her up any earlier. Giving in just because he's crying will teach him that being a stinker gets you what you want. I'm with you- you did the right thing.

PS- DD is napping today for the first time in about 2 months. I think I should follow her lead!

ss+el · February 2012

You're probably not doing anything wrong in the way you put him down for a nap, right now you're just not his Daddy. My DH can get DS to nap far better than I can, but the kid flat out refuses to let his Daddy put him to bed at night if Mommy is home. It's just a phase. For a while it was going the other way. It'll probably go back and forth until he gets to that age where they put themselves to bed.

Is there any way you can get him to have his quiet time near you without disrupting your work? When DS is clearly not going to sleep, I let him lay in my room with a notebook and a pen while I do some reading, make my grocery list, do a crossword, whatever.

Vanessa Doofenshmirtz · February 2012

Ignore the sanctimommy. My oldest won't nap for us, either. I keep putting off getting pregnant with #3 because those afternoons with a cranky toddler or preschooler are a biitch when you're tired and pregnant. Hang in there, and maybe put a movie on for some quiet time if you're certain naps are over.

zoe_cat · February 2012

Like the other posters mentioned, I have DD take some "quiet time" in her room every day for 45 minutes. She can read or play quietly but she has to stay in there until I tell her she can come out (usually 45 minutes or so). Some days when I go to tell her she can come out I find she has actually fallen asleep. Do you think that would work with your DS? If that doesn't work and I am really desperate for some downtime I will have her watch a video or do apps on the ipad. Good luck, I know how hard it is to not have a break in the day!

brownie123 · February 2012

Ok, wow. It's one thing if your LO has an hour of quiet time, but screaming his head off? Come on. I agree everyone needs a break, but letting your kid scream for an hour? No on is benefiting from that. I mean, is it really a break for you? Is he really winding down?

Mrs.Saxy · February 2012

sometimes laying down watching a movie is just as good as a nap. At that age, my DS cut out naps.

ToBeMrsT · February 2012

I'm all for getting a break, but I don't understand why you can't find a better way for your DS to spend an hour. Can't he watch a movie or play by himself? He should be able to entertain himself for an hour at least once a day.

KHan79 · February 2012

I believe two things are important here: 1.) recognizing his needs (at least considering the possibility that he might benefit from another quiet activity or phasing out nap) and 2.) teaching him appropriate ways to get his needs/wants met (screaming not being one of them)

That said, I'm with you on ignoring the screaming. This kid is 3.5, not an infant. Sounds like a tantrum to me...not a baby asking to have his needs met using the only method of communication available. It's amazing to me that some people see this as "letting" the child cry, implying that's a terrible thing that must be stopped at all costs. At this age, the child has a choice and they've chosen to scream and cry in an effort to change the routine or solicit attention during a time when they are expected to be resting. Going up there and doing whatever it takes to stop the crying (changing the routine, entertaining them) is also helping nobody in the long run. The closest I'd come to interacting with him would be to tell him that WHEN he is calm, together we can choose something quiet for him to do in his room during rest time (if you're okay with other quiet alternatives to napping). The idea of offering up TV and other activities in an effort to simply stop the crying, though, is crazy to me! This is more of a rant in response to a couple of solutions offered up so far, not so much the OP.

Vanessa Doofenshmirtz · February 2012

KHan79:
I believe two things are important here: 1.) recognizing his needs (at least considering the possibility that he might benefit from another quiet activity or phasing out nap) and 2.) teaching him appropriate ways to get his needs/wants met (screaming not being one of them)
That said, I'm with you on ignoring the screaming. This kid is 3.5, not an infant. Sounds like a tantrum to me...not a baby asking to have his needs met using the only method of communication available. It's amazing to me that some people see this as "letting" the child cry, implying that's a terrible thing that must be stopped at all costs. At this age, the child has a choice and they've chosen to scream and cry in an effort to change the routine or solicit attention during a time when they are expected to be resting. Going up there and doing whatever it takes to stop the crying (changing the routine, entertaining them) is also helping nobody in the long run. The closest I'd come to interacting with him would be to tell him that WHEN he is calm, together we can choose something quiet for him to do in his room during rest time (if you're okay with other quiet alternatives to napping). The idea of offering up TV and other activities in an effort to simply stop the crying, though, is crazy to me! This is more of a rant in response to a couple of solutions offered up so far, not so much the OP.

I agree with a lot of this. However, no one seems to have suggested TV to get him to stop crying. Where did I miss that? Can't speak for others, but I believe that type of advice was about how to enforce some quiet time from now on if she's ready to give up the nap battle.
And anyone who assumes all children are equally capable of quietly and productively entertaining themselves in their rooms for an hour should realize they are in fact lucky. Part of temperment is luck of the draw. My 2 kids have been parented basically the same way yet are as different as night and day in terms of self-soothing and need for attention. I sure don't pat myself on the back for my "easy" kid anymore than I blame myself for the one giving me gray hairs.

Sawyerplus1 · February 2012

KHan79:
I believe two things are important here: 1.) recognizing his needs (at least considering the possibility that he might benefit from another quiet activity or phasing out nap) and 2.) teaching him appropriate ways to get his needs/wants met (screaming not being one of them)
That said, I'm with you on ignoring the screaming. This kid is 3.5, not an infant. Sounds like a tantrum to me...not a baby asking to have his needs met using the only method of communication available. It's amazing to me that some people see this as "letting" the child cry, implying that's a terrible thing that must be stopped at all costs. At this age, the child has a choice and they've chosen to scream and cry in an effort to change the routine or solicit attention during a time when they are expected to be resting. Going up there and doing whatever it takes to stop the crying (changing the routine, entertaining them) is also helping nobody in the long run. The closest I'd come to interacting with him would be to tell him that WHEN he is calm, together we can choose something quiet for him to do in his room during rest time (if you're okay with other quiet alternatives to napping). The idea of offering up TV and other activities in an effort to simply stop the crying, though, is crazy to me! This is more of a rant in response to a couple of solutions offered up so far, not so much the OP.

Agreed.

OP, you are ABSOLUTELY allowed to have 60 minutes to yourself, even though you're a mom. Being a mom is incredibly hard, as no doubt we all recognize, and sometimes for our sanity, a break is necessary. AND, it's ok for our children to be alone for periods of time, learn coping skills, and learn to be independent (though, granted, some kids are naturally more independent than others).

After my DS dropped his naps right after turning 2, he still had "quiet time" in his room, with his door closed, just like it was nap time. He could have books or special toys in there, but he had to have quiet time. He's almost 4 now and still gets quiet time, though it is phasing out. He's not nearly as content to be in his room, and it's becoming a struggle. But I also notice that they days where I forgo "quiet time" altogether, he's definitely more tired and grumpy by bedtime than those days where he gets that time to himself.

Take the time you need, OP, and know that your LO will be fine if you do what you need to do to get some work done.

Jinsy80 · February 2012

My daughter stopped napping at 27 months. Your son is 3 1/2 years old. I think the daily naps are over, so you'll just have to deal. Instead of letting him scream for one hour (which I think is extremely overkill), you're going to need a different plan. Honestly, since you're late in your pregnancy, I'd just give him extra tv time. No big deal.

renogaw · February 2012

Around that time I started letting DD do quiet time. But then I realized that she was napping four days a week at preschool so she obviously still needed the nap. The new rule in our house is that she needs to be laying down with her eyes shut. I tell her it's fine if she is awake but she needs to be resting with her eyes shut. She still calls for me a bunch of times but will eventually lay still (and almost always falls asleep after that). I wouldn't stand for the screaming, just tell him that it's nap time and he needs to go to his room. It may take a week to get him to listen, but just keep bringing him back there. GL!

LillyGrrl · February 2012

Well you could try a slightly different technique. You would only have to do it a few afternoons but I bet it would work.

Put him in his bed, when he gets up put him back, if he screams just ignore him and keep putting him in the bed until he realizes that you aren't really responding to him (all you are doing is putting him back in the bed, you aren't talking, you aren't reacting). After a while he'll get the clue and just stay in the bed and eventually fall asleep. You do this for a few afternoons and you won't have to do it any more. Then you'll get your 60 minutes but you have to put in some effort at first.

Good luck and seriously, ignore some of these moms who think you are hurting your son by letting him CIO. He's old enough to know how to manipulate mom.

wheelsonthebus · February 2012

Brewtowngrl:
Her child is safe behind a gate. He should be napping. Maybe tomorrow he will realize he won't get his way now.

DS stopped napping right before DS2 was born. He still had quiet time in his room for a few months. Then we did 30 min of TV.

This. Maybe this is unpopular, and maybe 60 mins is a bit long, but I think a child should be able to entertain themselves for 30 mins or so at least. If he is supposed to be napping, than fine. He'll learn that he can either take a nap, or entertain himself for a while. I think it's healthy.

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