Lurker Questions.... — The Bump
Adoption

Lurker Questions....

Sorry to impose on the group, but I had a few questions. My sister has been struggling with trying to get pregnan for a little over three years now. I had a baby a few months ago (as you can see by my siggy), so I don't know what she is going through.....and she doesn't like talking about it. Every once in awhile she will bring up something and listen and show support as best I can. They recently started talking about possibly going through the adoption process. So for some of you that are willing to answer my questions so I (and my sister) could get a better understanding.....that would be awesome! TIA

*How long did you try for a biological child?

*Did you try any fertility drugs/treatments?

*How did you feel when you decided to adopt, and what (if any) was the final deciding factor to end trying and begin the adoption process.

*Are you hoping to adopt internationally or locally?

 *Have you adopted before and what was your experience?

*How could friends/family help you through the adoption process?

*Did you have any family members that didn't support the decision to adopt? And if so, have they since come around (either now that you are further into the process or now that you have a child). 

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Re: Lurker Questions....

  • First, I have a question about your siggy picture... I don't understand it. Why are the dates so long ago? Is that you? Sorry... I love looking at all the siggy pics but must understand them, lol. 

    I know some people never tried to have a bio child, just chose to adopt. I personally knew that adoption would always be a part of building my family but I did anticipate having some bio kids first. But God had a different plan for us! We did try for about 2 years to have a bio baby, had 2 round of IUI and were planning to start them again in 2012.

    We have an unusual circumstance... we were not even looking into adoption, but heard about an unborn baby that needed a forever family, and we of course accepted, and FIFTY days later she was born! It was an amazing experience but very unusual and blessed, I know that most people have to wait a very long time.

    Everyone in our families were THRILLED when they heard, although we tried to keep it VERY hush hush until she was born b/c we were really scared that the birth mom (that we'd have very little contact with over text messages) would decide to parent and I didn't want to have to un-tell everyone if that makes sense. Needless to say, there were a lot of shocked people when they found out that we had a newborn, lol. I LOVED those surprised faces.  

  • -We tried for a little over a year for a biological child.  We saw an infertility specialist at the very end but decided to put treatments on hold and adopt first.  Adoption was always a part of our family plan, but IF made the timeline change. 

     -Our decision was emotional and financial.  Emotionally I was so stressed out with TTC.  The rollercoaster of emotions every cycle was devastating to me and we were both exhausted from the experience.  We were ready for a break.  Financially, we knew that we would not be able to afford many treatments and pursue adoption.  A doctor friend of ours said, "Adoption and IF treatments are both long, hard, expensive, emotional roads to your children and only one will for sure result in a child."  That was very compelling to my DH and made him decide he really wanted to pursue adoption right away. 

    - Internationally.  We are pursuing a little boy in Russia. We have not adopted before.

    - I think making the decision to adopt was one we needed to make on our own without anyone suggesting it- that would have made me mad.  The desire for biological children is a natural and strong desire for most people (for me it is the desire to experience pregnancy); I don't want anyone to make me feel guilty for that.  But once we made the decision the best thing people could say was, "Congratulations!!"   Most people say something like, "Wow what a big step." or "That's awesome- I'll be praying for you."  Those are nice things but after so many negative pregnancy tests the word "congratulations" was the thing I wanted to hear the most.  I also have felt incredibly supported by friends who want to throw me a shower, but tons of people who have supported us financially, and just a general interest in our journey.

    - My DH's dad was initially a bit hesitant which shocked us because he and my MIL adopted my SIL from South Korea.  He was just concerned b/c he knows how difficult adoption can be- he showed his concern by saying things like, "Well do you know it's expensive?"  or "I heard international adoption is not safe right now" etc.  DH got a bit mad at him and asked him just to support us and he has not mad many negative comments since and he is more encouraging now.   

    My Mom had a hard time wrapping her head around the idea of our adoption at first.  She was so supportive but she said to me, "People keep saying congratulations to me and calling me "Grandma" but I don't feel ready for that yet."  I think she just wants to hold off on getting too excited until it is really happening and we are bringing our son home.  A few days ago she was talking to me about what she wants her first grandchild to call her though!  So I think she is starting to let herself get more excited.

     

    Hope that helps!  

    TTC September 2010 thru October 2011
    SA February 2011: Normal
    RE App. October 2011 - Recc. Clomid and IUI

    Taking a break from TTC to pursue adoption

    Met our 2 year old son in Russia July 2012!
    Court trip October 2012
    Home November 24 2012!

    Back to RE Summer 2013. TTC journey continues: 

    Dx DOR, endometriosis, low sperm count 
    Clomid + IUI#1, #2 = BFN / IUI #3 = ???

    Laparoscopy scheduled December 2013

    Adding a Burden
  • Hi,

    I would encourage your sister to come check out the board, especially the FAQs. They have some great resources for her to look into and decide if adoption is right for her. To answer your questions:

    We tried for about 3 years

    We did try some treatments, but they were minimal. I had 3 pregnancies, 2 with no medical intervention, but they ended in m/c

    I felt great. I was getting anxiety attacks about seeing my RE again (even though I liked her), and I just wanted to be a mom. I figured we were guaranteed to have a chidl through adoption vs playing the odds with IF treatments

    We adopted domestically

    We adopted DD almost 2 years ago. It was such a good experience, our social worker said it wasn't what she would consider a "typical" situation. We were matched with a baby already born 3 months after our profile went active, and we've maintained a good relationship with her birthfamily.

    There are many ways friends and family can help through the adoption process, depending on a lot of factors. Some offer money. Some get into researching and educating themselves about the process. Some just lend an ear when needed. Or a combination of the above. I was just happy that both sides of our family were willing to read up on adoption, specifically open adoption, and be positive about the whole experience.

    We didn't have anyone who didn't support our decision to adopt. I was worried that DH's family would react negatively, but they were surprisingly positive. It probably helped that DH's cousin had adopted about a year before we did, so they were old hands at it ;) We hear occasional ignorant comments from the great grandmas, but I keep in mind that their adoption experience is limited, and a lot has changed in the last several decades.

    GL to your sister! I hope she finds her path to her family soon.

  • image Hope2Have:

    First, I have a question about your siggy picture... I don't understand it. Why are the dates so long ago? Is that you? Sorry... I love looking at all the siggy pics but must understand them, lol. 

     

    Many users put their screenname in their picture to prevent the pictures from being "stolen" and used as someone else's.  There have been many occasions where someone has created a fake SN and used someone's pictures.

    Brenda & Phillip married 10/10/09 

    After 6 years of failed cycles, we were blessed with our little man through adoption. 
    B born 1/3/2012. Adoption finalized 12/27/12

    Back  on the IF crazy train...
    Sept 2013 - IVF #1 -  BFP, EDD 6/4/14, born 6/8/14
    Everyone welcome

    image


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • *How long did you try for a biological child?

    *Did you try any fertility drugs/treatments?

    Yes, I tried for over 6 years total with no luck. 

    *How did you feel when you decided to adopt, and what (if any) was the final deciding factor to end trying and begin the adoption process.

    Since I have known since I was 16 that I would have infertility I went into relationships (that got serious of course) talking about kids and the possibility/desire to adopt.  My DH has 5 adopted siblings so it was something we both wanted to do from the start.  We hoped for a "natural" child but always knew we would adopt at least 1 child no matter what happened with my IF treatments.

    *Are you hoping to adopt internationally or locally?

    Domestically...we are open to most of the US states.

    *Have you adopted before and what was your experience?

    Yes, we have a 5 week old baby that we are in the process of adopting currently.  The experience is very trying at times but it is so worth it.  While there were times that I had fears, I always had that gut feeling that everything would be okay and B would be our child. 

    *How could friends/family help you through the adoption process?

    Support...no one really understands the process unless they have gone through it or have researched it.  I recommend reading the book Adoption for Dummies...I wish some of my family would have done this.  They were all very supportive but the general lack of adoption knowledge could be frustrating at times as we had to repeat what the process was over and over and over. 

    *Did you have any family members that didn't support the decision to adopt? And if so, have they since come around (either now that you are further into the process or now that you have a child).

    No, everyone was so supportive of our adoption plan. 

    Brenda & Phillip married 10/10/09 

    After 6 years of failed cycles, we were blessed with our little man through adoption. 
    B born 1/3/2012. Adoption finalized 12/27/12

    Back  on the IF crazy train...
    Sept 2013 - IVF #1 -  BFP, EDD 6/4/14, born 6/8/14
    Everyone welcome

    image


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker
  • - we tried for 1.5 years (with some breaks due to medical issues).  After receiving our PCOS DX we were open to IF treatment and adoption, and pursued both when our daughter found us.

    - I don't ever remember a moment that we "decided to adopt". We had discussed it while dating and both knew we want to adopt children as well as have bio kids.

     - We adopted domestically.

    - Yes we adopted just shy of 1 year ago.  I won't lie it had it's emotional struggles, but was entirely worth it.  Adoptive parents don't go through the act of child birth, but we go through labor, no doubt about that!

    - Our friends and family were great for the most part.  I think it's little things- postive adoption language, understanding our love for BM and desire for her to be happy and healthy.  I would have loved for them to read adoption for dummies or other literature.

    - we had some friends who didn't understand our desire to adopt without doing IF treatments- but they just needed some education.  They came around. 

  • *How long did you try for a biological child?: we tried for ~3 years before deciding to move on to adoption

    *Did you try any fertility drugs/treatments?: DH had a varicocelectomy 1 year ago to try and improve our chances, but his #s have not improved enough for us to conceive naturally.  We have not done any other IF treatments.

    *How did you feel when you decided to adopt, and what (if any) was the final deciding factor to end trying and begin the adoption process.: We felt an immense sense of relief once we made the decision.  There was no deciding factor, we had always had adoption in the back of our minds since TTC was taking so long.

    *Are you hoping to adopt internationally or locally?: we are pursuing domestic infant adoption

     *Have you adopted before and what was your experience? n/a

    *How could friends/family help you through the adoption process?: I think just being supportive, asking (non-judgemental) questions about the process, and checking in from time to time to see how things are going would all be great ways to help someone through the adoption process. 

    *Did you have any family members that didn't support the decision to adopt? And if so, have they since come around (either now that you are further into the process or now that you have a child).: All of our family members have been pretty supportive so far.  My grandmother is still telling me that maybe we'll get a 'surprise', but I think she's really more afraid that we'll adopt a minority baby, and just doesn't understand the process very much.

    image
    image
  • I am short on time w/a little one that should wake soon... so I am just answering one question.

    What should you do??... let her be herself.  Not everyone wants to talk about it and that's okay.  If she brings up adoption, direct her to us.  We are a friendly resource and it's easy to jump in at any time.  If she doesn't bring it up, don't bring it up. 

    TTCing and adoption are both very personal and not everyone is open about their feelings.  Support her by allowing her to dictate how and when it's discussed.
    image Best friends and sisters... 24 months and 16 months
  • My story is a little different.  I am a single woman who always wanted a child.  I have not yet met the man of my dreams and so 4 years ago I decided to try adoption thru foster care.  Originally I did all the classes and paperwork for straight adoption.  I was not selected several times due to the fact that I was single, eventhough I am successful and more than qualified to take children with different issues.  So I rec'd a call asking once again if I wanted to be considered.  I said yes, thinking this is the last time I am putting myself thru this.  A few weeks later I was called and told I was selected for this 3 month old.  He was in foster care at the time. The waiting was the hardest part.  It is very emotionally draining, but so worth it in the end.  Most of my family was supportive, but you will have to talk with family and friends, I am sure they'll be on board. I wish your sister luck and she should sign on here to lurk and feel free to ask questions.  The ladies here are a lot of help and support.
  • We tried to get pregnant for about 2 years before deciding to start the adoption process.  We tried on our own for almost a year and then we went to a fertility specialist (a reproductive endocrinologist.)  We tried 4 IUIs and 3 IVFs. 

    We felt relieved, happy, and excited when we decided to adopt.  After having 7 procedures fail, I was emotionally and physically done with trying.  We needed to get to that point of being 'done.'  I remember being very upset and hurt by a family member who asked me "When is enough enough?" - she hadn't been through what we were going through and didn't understand the pain we felt by not being able to conceive.  We had researched adoption at the same time as infertility treatments.  We knew that adoption was definitely an option for us.

    We adopted our daughter through domestic adoption when she was a newborn.  She is almost 2 1/2.  We had a wonderful experience.  We have an open adoption with her birthmom and her birthmom's family.  We had a great experience with our agency as well.

    For the most part, our family members and friends were supportive and great.  I do wish they had remembered me while were waiting to adopt on days like Mother's Day.  I remember feeling like I was an expectant mom waiting for my baby and my own family didn't acknowledge it.  I felt really bad.  I found out that they hadn't said anything because they were afraid that it would upset me.  I think the most important thing is that you are supportive and be there for your sister.  Make sure you acknowledge what she's going through and let her talk about it if she needs to.

    Our family supported the decision to adopt, but we did have one family member (my MIL) who was worried and wanted us to consider IVF a 4th time with a donor egg/embryo.  It was not something we wanted to do or were willing to do at that time.  That family member was just having a hard time and dealing with the grief over the loss of a biological grandchild. She needed time to process (just like we did.) She LOVES our daughter and I know she wouldn't have it any other way. :)

    Our Adoption Blog
    [IMG]http://i167.photobucket.com/albums/u140/gahmsw/IMG_7309.jpg[/IMG]
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