tantrums when leaving places - update

luvmybaby28 · February 2012

I have posted before about my lo having major tantrums when leaving the children's museum and the park, I have taken everyone's advice and nothing has worked, I am glad these techniques have worked for you, but every child is different and my lo is not having any of it.

Anyways, I kept saying we have to go byebye, say byebye and without me even picking him up, he started to arch his back and wail, just at the mention of it. So I believe that he does understand and just doesn't want to leave. He starts to get really fussy and tantrum over nothing because he is tired so I know I have to leave or it will get worse.

Anyways, the only way to avoid these tantrums is to avoid going places he likes. Would anyone do this? It feels like his tantrums are so intense and not healthy for him to go through, and I could avoid them if we avoid those places. On the flip side, these are the only places that he interacts with other kids and he really enjoys these places, so I hate to keep him from them.

erbear · February 2012

There is no way I would not not take my kid places. So he throws tantrums when it's time to leave? Big deal. He's 18 months and leaving places sucks. You can give him all the warning in the world but if he tantrums, deal with it and move on. He'll get over it and soon enough he'll have a more constructive way to deal with it.

luvmybaby28 · February 2012

erbear:
There is no way I would not not take my kid places. So he throws tantrums when it's time to leave? Big deal. He's 18 months and leaving places sucks. You can give him all the warning in the world but if he tantrums, deal with it and move on. He'll get over it and soon enough he'll have a more constructive way to deal with it.

I have nothing to compare it to, but it feels like "too much" for him to handle, I understand that tantrums are a boiling over of emotions, but his are so extreme, I feel like I am causing them by taking him to these places. They just last a few minutes and are over, I just keep reading about identifying the trigger and trying to avoid all tantrums, but this cannot be avoided unless we don't go.

luvmybaby28 · February 2012

fredalina:
No. You would be depriving your son of fun activities, learning experiences, AND the ability to flex his disappointment muscles. You seem to be caught up in the idea that your job is to protect him from disappointment, from tantrums, and it's just not. He WILL experience disappointment in his life, and lots of it. Better teach him how to deal with it now so he can handle it.later.

Plan an outing for a time when he's rested and fed, and for a place that's not too overstimulating (lots of people, loud noises, bright lights are stimulating); maybe the park. Tell him what to expect. Give him a time warning. Then leave when you say. If he melts down, sympathize. "Oh, I'm so sorry you're sad. It can be hard to leave when you're having fun. We'll come back soon.) Then take him by the hand or pick him up and carry him out. Have something nice in the car (a special toy or snack). And go home. Do it all lovingly patiently, and confidently.

Thanks so much for the reply. This is just what I was thinking if I avoid it, I do hate to see him so miserable and I feel like I am causing it, but I love to see how much fun he has at those places. I definitely feel like it is my job to keep him happy and tantrum-free, I need to get over this.

The museum opens at 9 and the kids at the park all get there at 9 as well. He used to nap at 11, but now it has been closer to 1030 and he starts to meltdown at 10. So it is always rushed, but we eat right before. I have been giving him a special toy in the car so his tantrum has been ending when we start to move with the toy in his hand Smile

Mrs.Teddy · February 2012

I think fredalina gave excellent advice.

Of cours as parents we want to protect our children from everything, but life is full of disspaointment. And furthermore, we ALL have to do things we don't like to do. I think its healthy for them to learn this at a young age, as well as how to deal with things they don't like.

As he gets older he will learn to cope with these things better. Perhaps only an hour at these places is not enough time. Can you go after nap?

My DS is older and receantly has been able to cope with these things better. Before we even go to the local early years center I tell him we are going to go and play, have a snack and then a story and then we have to go. I remind him while we are there that we will be leaving, that I know its hard to leave and that you like it here but we will come back another day. But that if he cries and doesn't go nicely we won't be able to come back. He gets it, I'm not sure your son would. I remind him of something we are going to do later that day or after leaving there that he enjoys. Like story or snuggle time. Its hard but it gets easier and if you don't allow him to be upset and to learn how to cope with these transitions its not going to get better.

tokenhoser · February 2012

I think fredalina nailed it - you have to go THROUGH it not AROUND it. It sucks, and it's a terrible thing to go through, but I promise you he's not doing permanent damage to anything but your hearing.

If 9 am is rushed and stressful, why don't you go after his nap? There will be other kids around all day, usually, and if it's a bit less busy that's okay.

It can take a long time to get through the "I don't want to leave" tantrums. My sister's boy still has them sometimes, and he's 5. She does all the right things (the warnings and time countdowns and stuff) and it does work better with older kids... but not all the time.

Jelliebean1982 · February 2012

I completely agree with Fred and Token. It's a phase, and it'll pass. Your kid is learning how to deal with disappointment. As his mom, just help him through it. I really think if you don't go to those places and try again you'll deal with the same issue just with an older kid. If you can find a different time to go that would be ideal.

emolm · February 2012

Just wanted to say that I enjoyed reading everyone's advice.

I have friends going through the same thing with their kids (varying ages bt 1 and 6 or 7) and I love seeing how people deal with these things.

TiffanyBerry · February 2012

Clearly he is tried, then! Can you do things after his nap rather than before?

luvmybaby28 · February 2012

TiffanyBerry:
Clearly he is tried, then! Can you do things after his nap rather than before?

we eat after his nap and theby that time it is very hot to play at the park. Also, the museum gets crazy busy at that time with many older kids who are aggressive and playing with the toys he wants so a whole new set of issues come up. He still has HUGE meltdowns when leaving after his nap as well.

m_and_m · February 2012

Mrs.Teddy:
I think its healthy for them to learn this at a young age, as well as how to deal with things they don't like.

Yep, this exactly. I mean, don't set your kid up for disappointment but help them learn to handle it when it comes naturally.

Mrs.Teddy:

Perhaps only an hour at these places is not enough time. Can you go after nap?

I know for DD, an hour is not enough to go ANYWHERE except the grocery store and even then just barely. She's a lot like me- we like to spend the day or at least a good portion of it doing whatever is on the schedule. We'll get somewhere at 9am and stay until 1 or 2, but she doesn't nap anymore. She's always been this way, which DH doesn't totally get because he prefers doing things for a short time then going home or doing something else so they run into this issue more often than I have since I figured it out.

Mrs.Teddy:

My DS is older and receantly has been able to cope with these things better. Before we even go to the local early years center I tell him we are going to go and play, have a snack and then a story and then we have to go. I remind him while we are there that we will be leaving, that I know its hard to leave and that you like it here but we will come back another day. But that if he cries and doesn't go nicely we won't be able to come back. He gets it, I'm not sure your son would. I remind him of something we are going to do later that day or after leaving there that he enjoys. Like story or snuggle time. Its hard but it gets easier and if you don't allow him to be upset and to learn how to cope with these transitions its not going to get better.

We do something similar. If DD is tired or hungry then it doesn't work, but when it was really bad I would remind her when we got there that when we left she had to behave appropriately or it would be awhile before we would be able to come back. I explain that when she doesn't leave well then I don't want to bring her places because it is too difficult to leave, but when she does leave without fighting me then I want to bring her back very soon. When she leaves without a fight, I follow it up by making plans to bring her back ASAP. The next day, if possible. I also set a timer after we agree on the amount of time- usually 4 minutes (because she's 4 and "4 is her number) but sometimes more or less. I let her watch me push the button and remind her once or twice that it's almost time. It didn't work in the beginning but it eventually sunk in and now we rarely have an issue leaving places.

I nanny a 3yo and 1yo as well though, and when I have all three of them I can't physically manage them all having tantrums when it's time to leave. I can't maintain sanity if we never leave the house, so.... The 3yo follows DD's lead, so if she gets upset so does he and if she's fine then he is as well. When it is just DD and I then it's not such a big deal to carry her out when she's upset, but otherwise my hands are literally too full.

Want a personalized experience?

tantrums when leaving places - update

Re: tantrums when leaving places - update

Choose Another Board

Search Boards