What situations are granted 50/50 custody?

monpetitechouchou01 · February 2012

I was wondering what situations are mainly granted 50/50 custody. I'm not married to the BD but we currently live very close to each other. Both he and I are fit to be parents (he was a complete jerk to me but I know this has nothing to do with his potential as a dad no matter how much I dislike this factor). I would NOT be happy with 50/50 custody but I want to brace myself for the possibility that this might be granted. The baby isn't here yet so I'm not sure if perhaps 50/50 isn't an option until the baby is a little older.

The BD and I finally got together to speak and it was horrendous. I haven't stopped crying knowing what lies ahead. He blamed the pregnancy on me (said I purposely got pregnant), told me I should "act like a mother" (he hasn't been involved in any part of the pregnancy so far) and told me he wasn't even sure if the baby was his (though he was the one that was sleeping with at least 3 women without a condom NOT ME). My family suggested I try to move closer to them where I would have their physical support close by and where I wouldn't be in constant physical contact with the BD. However, I would always comply with allowing the father to visit. I'm starting to contemplate this move especially if 50/50 is possible.

Anyone know much about 50/50 custody? Thanks!

BeachBum1223 · February 2012

That baby is soley YOURS until s/he is born. I would move and move now.

50/50 timesharing is more of a likelihood when you live close by. For example, a judge probably wouldnt grant 50/50 if you dont live in the same school district bc it wouldnt be fair to the child to be in the car so much commuting to/from school.

intdesigner925 · February 2012

BeachBum1223:

That baby is soley YOURS until s/he is born. I would move and move now.

50/50 timesharing is more of a likelihood when you live close by. For example, a judge probably wouldnt grant 50/50 if you dont live in the same school district bc it wouldnt be fair to the child to be in the car so much commuting to/from school.

How close are we talking? I filed for sole custody, my ex (boyfriend) isnt unfit just hasnt really been invovled like he should be. He lives about 20 to 30 minutes away in a different city, so would 50/50 still be granted?

PrettyInPearls23 · February 2012

You have a long, long time before you need to worry about 50/50 custody being granted. It's tough on any child, especially a newborn/infant/toddler.

If moving closer to your support system and family is what you want to do, then do it now before the baby arrives. Until your X has established his paternity and filed for visitation/custody, your baby is yours alone.

turtle1120 · February 2012

My ex threatened to go for 50/50 custody as well. We were never married and we didn't live together after DD was born. My attorney told me that a judge would never order 50/50 custody in a situation such as that, and that the only way 50/50 would happen would be if both parties agreed to it.

I think you'd be smart to move closer to your family before your LO is born. You will need all the support you can get and it'll be much easier if that support lives close to you.

mdotm0904 · February 2012

not that it's impossible (just not likely) to order 50/50 of a small child. Most times 50/50 is granted to divorced couples who both had equal hand in the upbringing of the children. Happens mainly with older kids who are capable of understanding why they have two households. Both parents don't necessarily have to agree in order for 50/50 to happen (DD's dad didn't agree to 50/50 of his older children, but a judge ordered it anyway.) Also proximity is a HUGE issue, if you guys live a mile down the street from each other, it could more than likely happen.

but again, i'm not a lawyer. I have no clue. It's totally up to a judge!

Secondly, i think it'd be SUPER smart to move before your LO is born. Especially if it's out of state, because then he'd have to file custody papers in the state in which LO was born. (i think that's how that works).

BeachBum1223 · February 2012

intdesigner925:
BeachBum1223:

That baby is soley YOURS until s/he is born. I would move and move now.

50/50 timesharing is more of a likelihood when you live close by. For example, a judge probably wouldnt grant 50/50 if you dont live in the same school district bc it wouldnt be fair to the child to be in the car so much commuting to/from school.

How close are we talking? I filed for sole custody, my ex (boyfriend) isnt unfit just hasnt really been invovled like he should be. He lives about 20 to 30 minutes away in a different city, so would 50/50 still be granted?

I honestly have no idea. I would venture to guess that if he lived outside your school district then 50/50 time sharing would not be awarded. But its still possible.

My fight on the 50/50 time sharing thing is this: I would never agree to it because of 1) its a terrible idea for an infant/toddler and then 2) once LO is old enough for it to be "okay" we aren't in the same school district so it wouldnt be in the best interest of LO to be in the car so much driving to school/soccer practice, etc... Then when LO is even older all of her friends live too far away from ex and it will interfere with her social life.

Hope that helps?

ldoo · February 2012

tifanico:
I agree, having a great support system is the best thing you can have as a single mother. So move now and dont make the mistake of trying to move after the baby is born and then your ex giving you a hard time about it.
50/50? It depends on the situation. With a child that little, I highly doubt they will grant it but as the time goes by, it will be more likely. In my situation BD proved how he was a fit parent and how he was planning to take care of her so he was granted 50/50. DD was 13 months at the time.

I hear it's typical that if the parents agree on an arrangement, most judges will grant it as long as it seems to be in the child's best interest. I'm scared of 50/50 cause I don't want my girls feeling transient. What's your experience been with your daughter? Does she handle it well? Do you think as she gets older and has more activities/friends that it might be harder on her? I'd love any input. Thanks!

monpetitechouchou01 · February 2012

tifanico:
I forgot to give the full story because the regulars kind of know how my visitation is.
The judge granted 50/50 but BD and I live in different countries so it would be 6 months here / 6 months there. I appealed and then we agreed on a visitation schedule that gave me primary custody and him 3 visits per year.
The point of the previous post was to show that its not necessary that both parents to agree, for a judge to grant 50/50. I also know that it is not that common. FWIW my ex is an involved father and has always been. He also have the financial means to support DD and knows her very well so If we were still living close to each other, I would think that he would have been granted the 50/50 custody.
How old are your girls?

OMG Tifanico. I can't believe a judge would grant 50/50 custody while two parents live in two separate countries? I keep hearing about the unlikelihood that 50/50 is granted if parents live just several hours away. Having to live in one country 6 months and then another is insane. How would your daughter have managed to do it with school? I can't imagine a life like that being normal and healthy for anyone at such a young age! This makes me worried

The problem with me is the following:

I have signed a contract with a company for 2 full years. I have completed about half a year at this point but by the time the baby comes I'll have been there a full year. I can pay a fee to get out of the contract (a few thousand dollars) and move to be closer to home.

However, where my family is from is not where I'd ever want my child to be raised and we were hoping to uproot family to where I live now. Unfortunately, it would be close to the BD. I'm not trying to take away his rights a father. However, the man is horrendous and I don't think I've met someone I can call "evil" until I looked into his eyes the last day I saw him and saw him for who he truly is. The months that he hasn't been in touch have allowed me to go through my pregnancy drama free and I'm FINALLY getting excited (as one should be) about the birth. Its taken me a long time to get here. I know feel the baby move and I love her so much. It scares me to know that he'll make my life a living hell once she comes even though he's shown zero interest in the pregnancy at all and had wanted an abortion. However, after my interaction with him this week I haven't been able to stop crying, I can't sleep and my world is upside down again. I know I need to keep being strong but I don't know if I have it in me to fight this monster. I read so many things online and from what I hear : If he has money and gets a good lawyer he might get his way. He has more money and power than I could ever have and I feel like a little fish in a big pond right now.

ldoo · February 2012

tifanico:
I forgot to give the full story because the regulars kind of know how my visitation is.
The judge granted 50/50 but BD and I live in different countries so it would be 6 months here / 6 months there. I appealed and then we agreed on a visitation schedule that gave me primary custody and him 3 visits per year.
The point of the previous post was to show that its not necessary that both parents to agree, for a judge to grant 50/50. I also know that it is not that common. FWIW my ex is an involved father and has always been. He also have the financial means to support DD and knows her very well so If we were still living close to each other, I would think that he would have been granted the 50/50 custody.
How old are your girls?

OK. Thanks for the info! My girls are 3.5 and almost 2. We're not divorced, but it's something I think is inevitable because I simply don't want him as a life partner (plus there's years of his horrible temper, which is better now, but the damage is done). Trying to figure out if I'm being horribly selfish and should stay in a marriage that isn't right (even though we're appear kind of happy) for the kids. Or whether I should do what my heart feels is best.

I'm all for the dad seeing the kids as much as possible. He's a great dad. But I'm worried about the psychological damage 50/50 would do to kids. I want them to have one home with plenty of chances to see their dad. Is that naive? (I doubt he would fight for 50/50 if he does some research enough to know it's not in the kids' best interest.)

kiley&matt · February 2012

I agree with PP. Move now, while you still can! Once the baby's born, it's going to get a lot more complicated, especially once paternity has been established. This might be your only chance to do it.

I don't know how it is with your state, but in WI, the court will grant 50/50 custody to any father who wants it, because they want the father to be involved in the child's life. Unless you can prove him unfit, 50/50 custody is a real possibility. On the other hand, if your baby's father is anything like a lot of other men, once the baby is born, he might run from the responsibility. If he's already pretending to doubt that the baby is his, he might already be doing this.

If you want my advice, I'd say definitely move. You're going to want the support of your friends and family, because it is REALLY HARD being a single mother. You won't have to put up with as much crap from your ex because you'll be farther away from him, and it's much less likely that he'll get any sort of custody unless he moves closer to you. But at least then it will be on your terms. Just my opinion. Good luck to you!

intdesigner925 · February 2012

BeachBum1223:
intdesigner925:
BeachBum1223:

That baby is soley YOURS until s/he is born. I would move and move now.

50/50 timesharing is more of a likelihood when you live close by. For example, a judge probably wouldnt grant 50/50 if you dont live in the same school district bc it wouldnt be fair to the child to be in the car so much commuting to/from school.

How close are we talking? I filed for sole custody, my ex (boyfriend) isnt unfit just hasnt really been invovled like he should be. He lives about 20 to 30 minutes away in a different city, so would 50/50 still be granted?

I honestly have no idea. I would venture to guess that if he lived outside your school district then 50/50 time sharing would not be awarded. But its still possible.

My fight on the 50/50 time sharing thing is this: I would never agree to it because of 1) its a terrible idea for an infant/toddler and then 2) once LO is old enough for it to be "okay" we aren't in the same school district so it wouldnt be in the best interest of LO to be in the car so much driving to school/soccer practice, etc... Then when LO is even older all of her friends live too far away from ex and it will interfere with her social life.

Hope that helps?

I agree while she is small like this is a definite no go for me if I have any say in it. When she is of school age its a possibility I may be living in his city, which I was planning to live there long before we broke up and he was one of the reasons besides the fact that I love the city but I dont know anymore I havent really made up my mind on that yet .

monpetitechouchou01 · February 2012

Do you think its too late to move right after the baby is born? I was thinking of continuing on with my job until the birth. I have a great obgyn and the place I'm to deliver is all set and paid for (the doctor's office has this package). However, my family was going to come here the moment I contact them at the beginning of the labor and I had plans to go on family medical leave and spend the next 2 months with them in the state they live in. Perhaps just leaving to go home at that point and not coming back would be a good option. Would this be advisable?

monpetitechouchou01 · February 2012

My big thing is that I don't want to leave right away because my medical benefits would end and I need them in order to receive prenatal care and to deliver. I'll still keep my medical coverage while on medical leave from work (though I won't receive any pay) At least I can apply to jobs during that time and I have the option to return to my job here and continue on with benefits (BUT I'd be close to BD) or get a new job and not have a lapse of insurance for both baby and I. Leaving now considering this seems a bit impossible since no one will hire me knowing I'm pregnant and entering my last trimester.

monpetitechouchou01 · February 2012

Thank you! I just spoke to a lawyer who I know through a family friend and she said that the judges she knows in our county have not been known to grant full physical custody to a dad when the mother is fully capable (as is my case). She also said that they are not known to grant 50/50 custody with a newborn either. She's been working in this area for over 25 years so I'll at least use this to sleep better this evening.

dmndsr4eva · February 2012

Move before the baby is born. From what I understand it is pretty standard in cases like yours for the father to only get visitation maybe every other weekend. If you are breastfeeding that might only give him visits for a couple of hours at a time. I would work that angle. Get an attorney and good luck.

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