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Multiples
GAbride2006
member
GUILT WITH MULTIPLES...ANYONE ELSE?
GAbride2006
member
in Multiples
I just quit my job to be a stay at home mom to my sweet little twins and I'm so happy to be able to do that! My little boy has really bad stomach problems and requires a lot more of my attention than my little girl. I'm having major guilt! I feel like he gets held more and she just gets put in a swing, bouncy seat, crib or whatever! It breaks my heart! She is such a good baby and it makes me feel like she is punished for being so. Also, I have guilt that I don't really sit around and hold my babies. I just can't afford for them to get spoiled and only sleep when being held. So, I feed them, change them, hold them for a little while then try to put them down to sleep. I so want to just snuggle them up and sleep. My little girl has started wanting to lay on someone's chest in the middle of the night so I can't make these issues worse. I can't stand the guilt. Does anyone else feel like this?
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Re: GUILT WITH MULTIPLES...ANYONE ELSE?
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Yup, I do! Every.single.day! My little girl is more high needs and only wants to be held by me in the evening, every evening, without fail. She also sleeps with me. I make sure I give my boy tons of attention during the day and take him out of "mom and me" only trips when possible (to the grocery store etc.) I feel guilty but tell myself "I give each baby what they need, when they need it to the best of my ability." My little boy doesn't need to sleep with us as he has slept through the night, happily, on his own from 8 weeks old. My little girl need to sleep with me, so she does. I have relaxed a lot trying on not to "spoil" them and mixing some attachment parenting technique into my parenting style. Maybe read some attachment parenting material and it will make you feel better? Of course, you have to remember with multiples it has to be modified though.
And...I'm rambling...that's what I get for drinking 1.5 cups of coffee this morning! Sorry!
I had those same feelings of guilt about the 'good' baby early on too. I've since learned that the 'good' baby flip flops all the time so it all evens out in the end. I just try to give each baby the attention they need when they need it and do the best I can. It's all we can do. Hang it there!!
I could have written this exact post a year ago. Except it was my DD who had stomach problems and needed to be held more. And I also felt like I couldn't hold them as much as I wanted, because I was afraid they'd become dependent upon it to sleep. I still have a lot of guilt and sadness over not having the happy newborn experience.
My feelings aside, my babies don't seem to know the difference or be any worse off. At 15 months, DD is still the needier of the two, and clingier to me, but it becomes a lot easier to hold them both at once. And the feeding thing goes faster and is not the only thing you do with them in a day. There becomes so much more time to play with them, to read, to have a few moments of one on one time while the other one does something else.
I'm sure you're sick to death of people saying "it gets easier!" when you're in such a tough period, but, it really does. Months 0-6 were so, so hard for me. But every month after 6, things have gotten better and better and I'm at the point now where I think in a lot of ways, it's easier to have twins. I'd rather have two 15 month olds than a newborn and a 15 month old, that's for sure.
I agree with this.
This!
Keep in mind...they will never know what it's like not to have to share attention. That sounds tough, but I think because of this, they don't really think anything of it. You're right, you can't afford to have sleep issues. Just the fact that you are worried about giving her enough attention tells me that you probably are giving her enough attention! And, mine were the same way, and now they've switched. So now the other baby is getting her fair share of attention!
Plus, you always hear people that are not twins say how much they "always wanted a twin." You never hear a twin say they wish they didn't have a twin.
Of course, I typed this just as mine started screaming and fighting over a toy!!!
I feel so guilty, especially because I feel like I'm missing out on the time I would get to spend with my baby if I had only had one and that makes me feel even more guilty. Breastfeeding has been an issue so we're in a time consuming cycle of attempting to BF, then bottle feeding breast milk, then bottle feeding formula, then changing them and getting them down and then I start pumping. Due to pumping I feel like there's no opportunity for me to snuggle and just enjoy them because I don't want to risk waking them up once I'm done pumping. H and I are exhausted all of the time because they don't sleep well at night so when people come over to help we just sleep instead of using that time to cuddle and enjoy them. I'm actually considering taking my mom up on the offer to leave them for a night with her, which I feel guilty for even thinking about but a night of peaceful sleep with no crying or weird noises from the girls sounds heavenly. People keep telling us to enjoy this time because they won't be this little for long, but H and I can't wait for them to be a little older!