Feeling very sad...need to tell you what happened...(LONG)

freckleface77 · February 2012

I posted this over on the single parent's board also...but I don't really "know" anyone over there, plus I love you ladies and this board so here goes...

I was with my child's father from 2004-2007 and he was an assho!e then, but mostly he was just immature and non-commital, not really abusive (probably because I never challenged him about anything back then..I was in love and afraid he would walk away if I did, so I kissed his ass) I finally grew a backbone and walked away. I never thought I would see or speak to him again. Then 4 yrs later, last January, he pops up out of the blue.... saying he still loved me, never got over me, apologizing, saying he made a mistake, saying he had changed, wasn't drinking anymore..couldn't live without me...you get the idea.
I don't know why I even agreed to meet him and hear him out...I guess just out of curiosity because I really had totally moved on. But I did, we hung out for a few weeks and he did seem like he had changed somewhat. Like an idiot, I slept with him, kinda to see if I still had any real feelings left for him...wouldn't ya know I'd get pregnant from that first time! He was ecstatic.
I can't say it was a mistake because I know that this little angel was supposed to be here and I have loved her from the instant I found out I was pregnant...but I was like, SH!T, I really don't even LIKE this MF very much anymore, much less, love him! But I decided to try and revive our relationship for the sake of the baby.

For most of the pregnancy, he was on pretty good behavior, but I could feel something bad right under the surface, just couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't trust him because I know what an angry person he is and he blew up at me a couple times even though he knew he was on thin ice with me..of course he apologized, which is something he never would have done in the past. But my mama instincts were there though anyway...I was watching every little move he made and even told him he needed to get some help before the baby got here because I wasn't gonna have him cursing and raging around her. He said that he would.

Mostly, his rage was aimed at others...after she was born though, things changed really quickly. He was irrationally irritated with her almost immediately. The first thing I noticed a couple weeks in was him getting angry because she wasn't latching on to her bottle and the nipple kept popping out of her mouth. He hissed at her, "what are you doing?!" Like she knows what she's doing?? Assho!e So most of the time, I handled the feedings after that. A few weeks later, he got mad at her because....get this...SHE POOPED IN HER CLEAN DIAPER RIGHT AFTER HE CHANGED HER... OMG...THAT DISRESPECTFUL 1 MONTH OLD INFANT!! She was a little fussy this particular night also and he was getting pissed...I watched him pick her up into the shake position in front of his face and ask her through gritted teeth "what is wrong with you???" I swear, I have never had a stronger, more sickening gut instinct in my life! I calmly took her from him and changed all of her diapers the rest of that night. The next day, he was still mad at her for "keeping him awake" and verbally said so, sort of jokingly, in front of my mother. I glared at him and told him not to say that again. That night, I told him he could sleep in another room and I would handle everything so that he could sleep. I think he realized I was actually not wanting him anywhere near her, but I didn't say that...yet..I was trying to figure out what to do and what was best for the baby...whether I should give him a chance to get help with his issues. All of this really surprised me. I was ready for him to turn on ME like he had done before, but I never thought he would be that way to his own child! He went to work the next morning and I didn't speak to him for a couple days (we didn't live together).

As soon as I confronted him about his anger toward the baby, BOOM! That's when he unleashed on me...everything he had been holding back for 9 months...screaming, calling me names, degrading me...all kinds of stuff that had nothing to do with the issue at hand! Good thing it was over the phone because he might have done something to me. (He's been violent with other girlfriends before) There are a lot of other things that set off alarms in my head but this was the major event.
I ended it right then. No way was I waiting around now for him to get help just because he's the father of my child. I've been there before...I do know ALL the signs of an abuser and the cycle of violence. I was just torn because I didn't want my daughter to have to grow up without a father...it is my job in life, however, to protect my little girl. There is no way I was going to put her at risk.

I just still can't believe that he is worse than he was 8 yrs ago, usually people mellow out with age. I'm just glad he showed his true colors before it was too late. I haven't seen or spoken to him in a month..he hasn't tried to see the baby since Dec. 30th.

He saw her twice after I ended it on Dec. 1st. He was here on the 30th for his 3rd visit, with his mother, and my mother was here too. I decided to clear the air while the most important players were present, because I know that he lies and I'm sure lied to his mom about the real reason we aren't together. Also, I knew that he couldn't be as nasty or hurt me if there were witnesses. Well, he blew a gasket again anyway...not as nasty or as loud, but he tried changing the subject matter again to deflect the focus off of himself and actually flat out lied saying he saw me grab my small dog by the leg and break it so she needed a cast..LOL. Idiot forgot that I lived with my mom when I had that dog and she knows the dog never had a cast on her leg! Ridiculous. (He was trying to make them believe that I was lying and that I was the violent one.) Then he yells at his mother, calls her by her first name, to get her stuff so they can leave...he wouldn't let me finish what I had to say to his mom... and she seemed afraid of him so she did exactly what he said...he didn't want her hearing all the shitty things he has done. I got most of it out anyway though.

I know I'm rambling...but that's basically where things stand at this time. I have no idea what he plans on doing regarding visits or anything. He has sent child support though, so far, which is good.

So that's my sad situation...I feel just awful for my innocent little girl...

JillD2011 · February 2012

Sending hugs to you.

You're doing the right thing for your little girl. It's better for her to grow up without her father present in her life, than to grow with a father that is a danger to her and her mother.

seb09 · February 2012

Sorry you have to deal with all that. This guy is bad news and obviously never going to change. Perhaps when he was a 1 month old infant himself, somebody screamed at him for having a dirty diaper. So glad you are strong and there's one less child being abused in this world.

AngLK987 · February 2012

JillD2011:
Sending hugs to you.
You're doing the right thing for your little girl. It's better for her to grow up without her father present in her life, than to grow with a father that is a danger to her and her mother.

This exactly! Good for you for getting out now. It's such a hard thing to do. I don't know from my own experience, but I've been 20 years trying to get my mom out of a bad relationship with my step-father. Thankfully he's never been physically abusive to her, nor was he ever to me & my siblings... but there's always such a fine line there and you never know when people will cross it.

You're an amazing mom for doing what is best for your daughter. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise

pennysuedog · February 2012

for having the strength and backbone to do what is right for your daughter. She may not grow up with her father in the picture but until he fixes himself he has nothing to offer her except pain and misery. Be proud, what you did was not easy! If her father can't be a real dad there are plenty of real men out there who would love to.

blu-eyedwife · February 2012

It is far far far better for T to grow up without a father than with someone who is clearly dangerous.

I am so sorry that you felt you had to make this choice. I am so angry he put you in this situation.

Neither you, nor T need him. And she has such an amazing and strong woman role model in her life, she won't be missing anything without him in it. She will learn that her mother will do anything to protect her and make sacrifices for her. She will learn that there is an appropriate way for human beings to treat each other and she deserves nothing less. She will grow up with self respect, self confidence and strength. And she will learn all those things from you.

shediva1 · February 2012

You are so strong and brave, you did the right thing. It looks like your daughter has you and your mother as positive and loving role models and that's all that matters. I wish you all the best and thanks for sharing your story.

ReneeRN · February 2012

So sorry you are going through this. I hope for you and your baby's sake he gets help before he hurts someone. You are doing the right thing even though Im sure it's a very hard decision to make. She needs you to stay strong. Your a great mommy.

barefootandboots · February 2012

blu-eyedwife:
It is far far far better for T to grow up without a father than with someone who is clearly dangerous.
I am so sorry that you felt you had to make this choice. I am so angry he put you in this situation.
Neither you, nor T need him. And she has such an amazing and strong woman role model in her life, she won't be missing anything without him in it. She will learn that her mother will do anything to protect her and make sacrifices for her. She will learn that there is an appropriate way for human beings to treat each other and she deserves nothing less. She will grow up with self respect, self confidence and strength. And she will learn all those things from you.

I totally agree with all of this. You are doing an amazing job, mama. You are so strong and I admire everything you are doing. We are here if you need to talk. We're behind you 100%.

rockdragon · February 2012

I'm sorry you have to deal with all of that I know how much it can suck somedays. You and your daughter are better off with out this guy. Do document as much as you can it sounds like with this guy you need to be extra careful he is not left unsupervised with her. Without a court order you do not have to let him see her at all, just in case he tries to tell you otherwise.

DD1's father and I went our separate ways about a year after she was born. It was on good terms, but when she was 4 he got a job offer out of state and he took it. He will call her sometimes still, but he is really just not around anymore. She will be 16 in April and she is doing great.

You are a very strong, smart, beautiful woman and a wonderful mom. I won't say that it won't be hard, it will be hard somedays but it sounds like you have good support from your mom and you are doing the best thing for your little girl.

freckleface77 · February 2012

Thanks so much for the support and reassurance that I did the right thing. In my heart, I absolutely know that I did. There's no way I could risk having him hurt her physically, emotionally OR have her see him doing it to me...which inevitably, he would have done. My mom and I figured out that he has every trait of someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder. If you look it up, his picture should be on the page! It's extremely dangerous to be with someone like that and a lot of times, very difficult to treat.

Growing up, my dad could be physically abusive at times. He has a hair-trigger just like my ex so I know the signs and the kind of damage it does to a child. But at least he was never verbally abusive which I feel can actually be more detrimental. If Trinity had survived without her father shaking her, he would have destroyed her mentally. I remember telling my mom that I wished she would divorce my dad...he's not anywhere NEAR as awful as my ex and I felt that way. So I can only imagine how terrible things could have been for my sweet angel. I vowed long ago, that I would NEVER let any man hurt my child if I ever had one.

Blue-eyed, I am so angry also that he put us in this situation. No matter what, T will have issues because of him. When she's old enough to realize that she doesn't have what other kids have, all I'll be able to do is try to minimize the pain she will feel and do damage control. She's definitely much better off without him in her life, but I know she will hurt, have many questions, probably be angry at me for chasing him off, etc. **sigh**.

SuperDeDuper, you didn't sound like a jerk.You are absolutely right! Don't worry, I do not have ANY intention of letting him anywhere near her again. I'm filing for sole custody and I will fight to the death to make sure he never gets unsupervised visitation. I have already been documenting everything, dates of incidents, what was said, everything. I pray that he just goes away (he might, since he's always been a runner but I'm protecting myself and baby no matter what.) I had been living alone until all of this happened, but my mom insisted that we move back in with her for the support and protection. A week or so after I ended it, he tried to lure me out alone to meet him by saying he wanted to buy T some supplies. I refused. I made him come to my turf if he wanted to see her or me...but now, I won't even let him do that. (Not like I've had to address that issue yet since he hasn't called or text about her since Dec.30th)

All of this just makes me so sad for my sweet baby. She doesn't deserve this..no child does. I'm so glad that he is gone and away from us, I just wish I could change who her father is...:(

mars37810 · February 2012

My cousin has never meet her father as far as she can remember, my aunt left him when she was around 1. She was raised around a loving family and my aunt's ex-fianc? and current husband both acted as father figures for her. She refers to her stepfather as dad and has never had an issue with not having her biological father around.

karinothing · February 2012

I am sorry you are going through this. I am so glad that you were strong enough to get him out of your life. I know things are so much harder when you have kids, but I agree it is better for him not to be in her life then for him to be in her life and abusive.

If you really want your father to have some relationship with his daughter I suggest that you tell him he can only see her if he gets his a$$ into counseling and anger management (and into whatever else he might need).

jonnygurl76 · February 2012

Do whatever you need to do to keep your baby safe. I would go one step further and get a restraining order against him.

ETA: sorry I posted before I read the responses, sounds like you are doing everything you can to protect her and keep yourself safe. Stay strong mama.

rubysue267 · February 2012

Removing him from your and your daughter's lives was the best thing you could have done. I agree with others that it's so much better to grow up without a father than to grow up with an abusive one. Babies are incredibly perceptive and I'm really proud of you for immediately doing what is best for her rather than hope he'll miraculously change. I do have to agree with the other PPs that suggest you have legal representation just in case and consider taking out a restraining order or some other means of lawfully restricting his access to you. I obviously don't know this man personally, but it worries me that his anger and hurt pride may errupt in physical violence towards you and/or T. Just be safe and remember you are absolutely doing the right thing. Lots of T&Ps coming your way!

cmora · February 2012

you did the right thing and don't ever second guess yourself, you have good instincts. Protect your baby and yourself. You should feel proud of yourself for walking away from that situation. He definitely has issues so I won't even begin to comment on that. Like others mentioned document everything, make sure the child support is court ordered or whatever, not just whenever he wants adn start asking about restraining orderr and familiarize yourself with that stuff...He is not the type of father your LO needs EVER. She will grow up strong and brave like her momma because she has a family that loves her. You love your baby and anything you do to keep that love is always RIGHT! be brave and stay strong. ..hugs to you and LO

FabulousMrs.P · February 2012

I feel that that little girl is lucky to have such a wise mama! You know it is not a safe or good environment for her and so you took action! When she is older she will look back and be proud of the COURAGE that it took to leave an abusive partner. It is better for her to grow up in a loving environment with a single mom than to have two parents and domestic violence.

If he has been violent towards you or the baby, then maybe see if you can get court ordered supervised visits. That way you don't have to be near him, but your daughter will be watched over while she spends time with him.

amyc216 · February 2012

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please don't go back to him! Your daughter does not need a father like that. He sounds very scary.

KrisM86 · February 2012

First of all, you should be proud that you are strong enough to do the right thing for you and your baby. That is the most important thing, but I am sure it was incredibly hard. It must be difficult to look ahead to life as a single parent. I hope that you have a good network of friends and family you can reach out to for love and support (you always have us too!) Stay strong and know that you have made a very good, brave decision. Feel free to vent or cry here anytime!!! *hugs*

LauriJean_2009 · February 2012

Anyone who can be angry with a beautiful little baby girl like yours doesn't deserve her love or yours. Good for you for getting out before something bad happened.

I am a product of a "broken home". I haven't spoken to my father in almost 10 years. When he was around, things were unpleasant at best. I turned out just fine, married a terrific man, and have a daughter of my own.

Why? Because I had a great Mom. It sounds like you are an amazing mommy too!

Just be sure to find some positive male role models for her in you friends, family, etc.

Best of luck to you!

Chunstad · February 2012

So very well said by everyone, I can't offer any other words other than I'm sorry and I wish I could give you a huge hug. You are such a strong woman, I hope that you take your Mom up on her offer. That man is poison, and you are so wise to have made the steps you had. I hope that he moves on to other things and leaves you alone. See if your lawyer can keep her far, far away from that man. No supervised visits. Nothing. Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but the Josh Powell case is too fresh in my mind. My friend was Charlie's teacher (the older little boy who died). Jeesh, I don't mean to be a Debbie Downer-I'm sorry.

Mrs. Mo · February 2012

{{{hugs}}}

You are a very strong and wonderful woman and your DD doesn't need a father like that. You are doing everything right by shutting him out and only considering him like a sperm doner. Any man can be a father but only a true man can be a Dad.

We are all here for you if you need anything!

lavender12_81 · February 2012

SuperDeDuper:

I'm going to be the jerk here and say you need to do more. You know the guy has anger issues, you know he's been physically abusive with past girlfriends, and you've seen him get irrationally upset with your LO and even hold her as though he was about to shake her?!? Don't let this man near your precious LO! She deserves to be kept from harm and that is your responsibility! (And I think you know this but I just want to reinforce it...no more chances for him to 'grow-up' at the expense of your daughter's safety!)

If you're not married and you don't have a court order for custody for visitation then (as far as I know) you don't legally have to let him see her. Make HIM file for visitation. In the meantime DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Dates, times, location, witnesses, etc for every time he is abusive and what he is doing. Hand write it on a calendar. Use this to show his pattern of inappropriate behavior and fight for him to have NO visitation or at least professionally supervised visitation.

Also, contact a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row in case he tries to fight for any custody. And you can use the lawyer to file for CS too, because you want that to be written out and legally binding. CS and Visitation/Custody are separate issues...just because he has to pay CS does not mean he'll get automatic visitation.

Im not a lawyer so definitely double check everything I say...but PLEASE fight hard for you beautiful little girl. I'm sorry if this seems harsh jerk...I do wish you and your DD the absolute best.

Also, can you surround yourself with a good support system? Family, friends...

This exactly.

You need to file for full custody just in case he decides he wanted to be a jerk. And document and tape record phone conversations and save texts just in case. You may need to prove that he is not a safe person for your daughter. It is better for her to be without a father than to be abused by one. Good Luck.

freckleface77 · February 2012

Thanks so very much everyone for the feedback! The support and encouragement makes me feel so much better. I love you guys, you're amazing

Rockdragon, Mhouser82, LauriJean - I really appreciate hearing your experiences because I've been feeling so guilty about bringing a child into this situation...hopefully she will grow up strong and won't feel a terrible void, 'cause trust me, I am NEVER letting him back into our lives. What's so frightening is that he acted this way while on "probation" with me! I really don't even want to think about how much Trinity and I would have been in danger if I had been stupid, married him, let him isolate us, and he thought he owned us. **shudder**

Chunstad - Omg, I was thinking the same exact thing hearing about what that monster did to his kids!

Rubysue- You're right and I'm still worried because while we were together, he kept saying that the baby and I were his "life" and without us, he had nothing Surprise I'm not going to ever let my guard down...I have no idea what he's capable of.

Again ladies, thank you, thank you, thank you. I'll be sure to keep you updated on how things progress. Hopefully there will be nothing to tell.

Liz4444 · February 2012

You should be proud of yourself for having the strength to do what needs to be done to protect you and T. Stay strong, we are here for you.

christen_z1 · February 2012

SuperDeDuper:

I'm going to be the jerk here and say you need to do more. You know the guy has anger issues, you know he's been physically abusive with past girlfriends, and you've seen him get irrationally upset with your LO and even hold her as though he was about to shake her?!? Don't let this man near your precious LO! She deserves to be kept from harm and that is your responsibility! (And I think you know this but I just want to reinforce it...no more chances for him to 'grow-up' at the expense of your daughter's safety!)

If you're not married and you don't have a court order for custody for visitation then (as far as I know) you don't legally have to let him see her. Make HIM file for visitation. In the meantime DOCUMENT EVERYTHING. Dates, times, location, witnesses, etc for every time he is abusive and what he is doing. Hand write it on a calendar. Use this to show his pattern of inappropriate behavior and fight for him to have NO visitation or at least professionally supervised visitation.

Also, contact a lawyer. Get your ducks in a row in case he tries to fight for any custody. And you can use the lawyer to file for CS too, because you want that to be written out and legally binding. CS and Visitation/Custody are separate issues...just because he has to pay CS does not mean he'll get automatic visitation.

Im not a lawyer so definitely double check everything I say...but PLEASE fight hard for you beautiful little girl. I'm sorry if this seems harsh jerk...I do wish you and your DD the absolute best.

Also, can you surround yourself with a good support system? Family, friends...

Yes I agree with all of this. Best wishes to you and your sweet girl.

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Feeling very sad...need to tell you what happened...(LONG)

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