Losses: Who are you? What helps you?

KacyChicago · February 2012

There seems to be a lot of new people on the board this week, and I am so sorry for your losses. Just know, that is does get easier as time passes. Today is a month since my loss, and even though I totally have bad days, I can see how far I have come already.

I just wanted to give everyone a chance to get to know one another, whether you're new to this board, or you suffered a loss years ago. Also, words of advice you share could help someone else! Thanks to those chose to participate. Hopefully someone new coming in can see many words of comfort in one spot.

This is a crappy place to be, but I have appreciated you all!

Name:

Age:

Date of loss(es):

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most:

The words/advice you hate hearing:

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness:

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when:

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss:

How is he/she holding up:

Any questions you have for others:

I'll start!

Name: Kacy

Age: 35

Date of loss(es): Found out baby's heart had stopped at our 12-week scan on 01/10/12. Misoprostol-induced miscarriage 01/12/12.

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: "Don't panic, and carry on." It might sound harsh, but it was coming from my boyfriend's cousin who is having issues conceiving their second child. I appreciated those five little words so much.

The words/advice you hate hearing: "Are you feeling better?" Man, I flipping hate that! The problem is, it comes nearly every day from a pregnant co-worker who is due five weeks before my EDD. And most days, it hurts to even look at her ... So I wish she'd quit asking, because one day, I may have to just yell "I'll never feel 'good' about losing my baby!"

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Music. Certain songs just do me in. I've been OK with babies in general post-loss, but people complaining about being pregnant or their newborns bring the angst.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: I have been cleared by my doctor to try after my first cycle ... But we plan to wait a few months before we try again. I'd like time to heal mentally and physically before becoming pregnant again.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Simply holding me and letting me cry as much as I wanted to was the best thing, for sure. He's also chatted with me online every day I've been at work and he's been off. That's helped a lot as well ... I can get my angst out in real time instead of waiting until I get home.

How is he/she holding up: He's doing pretty well ... But still has moments of sadness. He's definitely my cheerleader, looking toward the future and our (hopefully) eventual babies.

ilenegrace · February 2012

Name: Ilene

Age: 30

Date of loss(es): June 13, 2011 and January 27, 2012

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: This is a time for healing

The words/advice you hate hearing: You can make another baby

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Friends and family that are pregnant. When DS asks if the baby in my belly is done cooking yet.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Have my FU tomorrow and will find out then but hopefully asap.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Be supportive... let me go a little crazy shopping.

How is he/she holding up: Seems to be doing well

thetur · February 2012

Thanks, Kacy. What a great idea!

Age: 34

Date of loss(es): We were at our first OB appointment at 9.5 weeks and learned that the baby stopped growing at 8.5 weeks and had no heartbeat. I learned the term "missed miscarriage" and had a D&C the next day. I'm so thankful I wasn't alone for that first appointment, and that we had taken the day off.

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: I had seen the night before our appointment where another August 2012 bumpie had miscarried. Someone had responded that this board had been helpful for her when she had miscarried, which I recalled once I found out that we were in the same situation.. Coming here has been immensely helpful. From learning what to expect during and after a D&C, the first AF (which I am still waiting for), and just seeing the different trajectories people's path through this process have taken. It helped to see from others that things do get easier, that it's OK to just cry, to be sad that you can drink again, and that you just have to feel what you're feeling to heal.

The words/advice you hate hearing: Fortunately, most people around me have been very respectful/appropriate. At least so far!

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: It still gets me sometimes to see/think about what was to be "the baby's room". It is also bittersweet to think about where I would have been in my pregnancy, had it continued.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: I Definitely! I'm still waiting for my follow-up appt, but as soon as we can, we will!

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Crying with me, holding me, listening to me talk, and being patient with the amount of time I was on this board.

How is he/she holding up: He's doing well... He's not as emotionally expressive, but I know he has his moments of sadness. He's very good at keeping me grounded and reminding me of the future, as well as of the life and blessings around us, which is nice.

funny bunny · February 2012

Name: Fanny

Age: 32

Date of loss(es): Jan/11/12

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: We will have a healthy baby someday soon (DH)

The words/advice you hate hearing: Just think positive. You will forget about this as soon as you are pregnant again.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Having to say I miscarried, watching anything sad on TV, or any talk of miscarriages.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Yes. As soon as we can / as soon as I am emotionally ready whichever one comes first.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Brought me strawberries and cheese whenever I asked for them.

How is he/she holding up: He is ready to move on to the next pregnancy. He really moved on quicker then I could imagine he would.

amazestar · February 2012

I learned the term 'missed miscarriage' as well. I haven't found many other people who have had this happen to them so I feel your pain. I made it to my 11 week ultrasound and found out the fetus had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I remember feeling so angry that my body had tricked me. I didnt understand how my body didn't realise the fetus has aborted itself. I didn't have any cramping or bleeding, it was all a mystery. I had a D&C two days after finding out. I was miserable for weeks and cried and cried, but I got through and I am sure you will to. If you want to talk let me know!

SJKB0212 · February 2012

Name: Susie

Age: 31

Date of loss(es): 1.31.2012

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most:

I am not sure what words or advice helped, but this board helps. Time also helps.

The words/advice you hate hearing:

"At least you can get pregnant." It took me almost 3 years to get my first positive and it was gone in a heartbeat. I hate hearing that phrase because who knows if/when it will happen again for me?

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness:

Hearing about my clients getting pregnant. I work at a homeless shelter and hearing that my client is pregnant with #2, #3 etc, it's really hard.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Yes. I am scared that it will take another 3 years to get a positive, so we are going to start next cycle.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss:

Flowers, a huge bottle of my favorite wine, and endless hugs.

How is he/she holding up: Pretty well, although he did tell me the other day he is sad about it.

Any questions you have for others: Anyone else wait years to get a positive? Are you scared it will take you several years again? I am almost terrified to try just for the fact that I might miscarry again and I am not sure I could handle another loss, especially after waiting so long. I always said I would rather have negatives, then to get a positive and have it taken away, and that's exactly what happened.

klyann · February 2012

Name: Kelly

Age: 31

Date of loss(es): missed m/c discovered 1/26 at almost 12 weeks. D&C 2/1

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: I'm so sorry. Empathy has been helpful.

The words/advice you hate hearing: "At least you already have DD." I know that I am truly blessed to have DD. But it doesn't change that fact the I lost a baby and I am allowed to grieve.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Looking at newborn photos of DD. DD loves to look through pictures on my phone and I just lost it the other day.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: yes, but not until mid April. We had planned a babymoon just days before we found out about our loss and I now want to make sure I am not PG on that trip.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Took me out to a really nice dinner and arranged for a babysitter.

How is he/she holding up: He's completely moved on in my opinon. He is a strong believer that God has a plan and that this baby wasn't meant to be. I am trying to believe this as well, but it isn't quite as simple. I went through weeks of morning sickness and felt my belly start to grow.

Any questions you have for others: My milk came in a day before my D&C. Anyone else? It was weird to see colostrum again. FWIW I weaned DD a couple weeks before I got PG, so my milk never fully went away.

MWoodside · February 2012

Name: Megan.Age: 31.Date of loss(es): I found out the baby didn't have a heartbeat anymore at my 13.5 week appt yesterday. I'm not sure if that means my loss date was yesterday or when my D&C occurs (Monday).Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: Sorry for your loss.The words/advice you hate hearing: Pretty much anything other than sorry. I know my mom is trying to help right now, but she seems to say all the wrong things & is sobbing every time I speak to her which is not helping at all.What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Seeing people other than DD & DH. Looking down at my belly, which popped out really fast this time & knowing there is a still baby in there.
Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: For sure. I have no clue when I'll feel ready or when DH will.Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Just lots of hugs.How is he/she holding up: He's my rock. He says he is sad, but he is much more worried about what I am going through physically & mentally.Any questions you have for others: Would my loss date me yesterday or Monday (D&C day)? Sorry if that's a dumb question. This is all new to me.

MWoodside · February 2012

SJKB0212:
Any questions you have for others: Anyone else wait years to get a positive? Are you scared it will take you several years again? I am almost terrified to try just for the fact that I might miscarry again and I am not sure I could handle another loss, especially after waiting so long. I always said I would rather have negatives, then to get a positive and have it taken away, and that's exactly what happened.

This is different, but it took me over 2 years to conceive DD. I was terrified the entire pg with her that something would go wrong & also terrified it would take years to conceive again. It didn't. Now I am terrified to try again in case I lose another baby.

stephanie1212 · February 2012

Name: Stephanie

Age: 34

Date of loss(es): I found out there was a problem on January 30th since the fetus was surrounded by a huge blood clot and was measuring behind. My dr took 2 more u/s and did other tests. It was confirmed last Friday and I had a D&C today , February 9th.

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: Just family and friends saying that they are there if I needed to talk and their personal stories about similar issues.

The words/advice you hate hearing: At least you know you can get pregnant.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Seeing very pregnant women and newborns.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Yes, my dr said because I am healthy and this is my first pregnancy and loss I could try after 1 cycle or even before then if my follow-up appointment goes well.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Just listened, bought be lots of candy, magazines and now wine.

How is he/she holding up: He's a very positive person and always looks on the bright side. He wants to put this passed us and work on getting pregnant again.

Any questions you have for others: How long did you bleed for after your d&c? How long did it take for your period to come? I understand everyone's different.

P.S. I am so sorry for everyone's losses.

KacyChicago · February 2012

MWoodside:

Any questions you have for others: Would my loss date me yesterday or Monday (D&C day)? Sorry if that's a dumb question. This is all new to me.

That is not a dumb question! I am sure for everyone it's different. Same as you, I had a missed miscarriage, and two days later had a medicinally induced miscarriage. I chose the day I actually had to lose her (01/12/12) as my loss date. (But again, that's just what I decided to do ... There is no rule book for any of this.)

I am so sorry for your loss, and that you are having to go through this. May you continue to find peace through your daughter and your husband!

rockstarpups · February 2012

Age: 34

date of losses: June 2011 (natural m/c at 5 weeks) and January 27th (D&C at 8w)

Words/advice that helped: today I am one step closer

Words I hate hearing: the typical b/s, it wasn't meant to be, you'll have a healthy baby soon, you just need to relax. Honestly, people just asking "how are you" annoys me. How the eff do you think I am?

Triggers: other girls tickers that go their BFP after me, but they are still pg and I'm not. Seeing babies doesn't really bother me. Touching my belly and knowing there is nothing there anymore makes me sad.

TTC: We are waiting on some results that will determine if we can try again right away, or if I have to wait 6 months. I want to try again ASAP.

Best thing my partner has done: this is tough because I know DH is trying, but I feel like he's working a lot and not really supporting me. He's going away for 7 days for work and I'm really upset that he can't cancel the trip.

How is he holding up: I think he's sad and worried about me. We are not doing that great. I did just start seeing a therapist, so I am hoping that we can start to move forward. We had a lot of loss in 2011. 3 deaths in the family, a m/c, and we had to put my oldest dog down. And now another m/c......it's been really hard.

pb&fluff · February 2012

Name: Becky

Age: 31

Date of loss(es): Sept 29, 2011 at 21w3d TFMR, January 12, 2012 at 8w, baby measured 7w with no hb, missed m/c.

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: nothing, really. Just knowing people were there to support me.

The words/advice you hate hearing: "God has a plan."

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: All the FB announcements, births, baby pics. Seeing my two nieces who were born in September and December and my daughter was due in February.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: As soon as AF arrives next week. We have our WTF appt with my RE on Monday.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Bought me Season 7 of The Office so I could watch it. I watch the Office when I'm stressed.

How is he/she holding up: He's fine. Sad sometimes, but doesn't show it.

Any questions you have for others: nope!

MrsLele · February 2012

Name: leigh

Age: 29

Date of loss(es): February 2, 2012

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: "I'm sorry", "I love you. "

The words/advice you hate hearing: "God has a plan" (oh, so he wants me to be tortured and sad, great!) "at least you can get pregnant!" (ok, um but I couldn't carry a baby so what good does it do me?!)

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Stupid facebook. Another couple announced they were pregnant, (with the same EDD as me,) ONE HOUR after I learned I was miscarrying. I had to block them. and unfortunately I work with them sometimes, so I will see her and know that's what I would have looked like.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: we want to try as soon as possible. So after I get AF, it will be game on.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: just been there for me. stayed home from work, let me be a basket case, spoke to the Dr when I couldn't even breath, and just cried with me.

How is he/she holding up: he's feeling sad and mad, but eager and confident to try again soon.

I just wanted to thank everyone here for being so supportive. I look forward to checking this board every day because i feel like i am understood here.

mrsz2008 · February 2012

Name: Z

Age: 22

Date of loss(es): 1/22/12

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: I honestly can't think of any, just "I'm sorry" I guess.

The words/advice you hate hearing: You can try again.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: I have friends that are KU, 2 that are due the day after I was and 1 due 3 days after. Seeing their pregnancies continue on (I of course don't want them to have a loss) is hard to see.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: April

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Took care of our son and cleaned the house.

How is he/she holding up: Just fine

Laurakat81 · February 2012

? Name: Age: 30

Date of loss(es): 1/26/10, 8/19/10, and 11/2/11

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: I don't remember anything helping honestly. Just time. And the support of women who had been there.

The words/advice you hate hearing: You can try again. At least you can get pregnant. There are too many to count....

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: pregnant women and babies the same age mine should be

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: I'm in a very weird place right now. We are not preventing it but not really trying anymore either. I'll more than likely need IUI and Clomid since I lost a tube in November so chances are it won't happen on our own. We are taking an indefinite break (at least one year and possibly forever). I just want my life back. I do come back to TB to stalk every now and again though!

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Just being there, being the shoulder to cry on.

How is he/she holding up: He did not take our losses very hard. He was more upset to see me so hurt. ?

LWilson82 · February 2012

Name: Lindsay

Age: 29

Date of loss(es): D&C was 1/24

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most:

It helped just having people acknowledge the loss with a simple 'I'm so sorry." The one person that helped me more than anyone is my wonderful OB. She continues to be a great support.

The words/advice you hate hearing:

Honestly, nothing has really bothered me. The only thing that irks me slightly is when people feel the need to tell me when I should try again or when I shouldn't (other than my doctor of course.) That just annoys me.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness:

Going back to the doctor's office and being in that same room again where I first received the bad news. I felt like a truck hit me. Other than that, I don't have too many triggers. Every once in a while it creeps up on me. Like the other day I was watching Say Yes to the Dress on TLC and they ran a promo for the Duggars (a show I don't even watch) but it was about her miscarriage. Oh man, I BURST into tears with no warning. So little things like that still take me by surprise.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when:

We are. We just aren't sure if we are going to start after my first cycle or wait longer. I literally had a panic attack today when the genetic counselor called to tell me my results were normal and that I don't have Translocation. My severe reaction to even his number tells me that maybe I'm not ready quite yet. Time heals a lot.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss:

My husband was and is amazing. He cried with me and really just let me cry or express any emotion I felt and still feel. He doesn't push me or try to make me feel like I should be over it by now. He just listens and also talks about his own emotions with me. It's really helped us heal together.

How is he/she holding up:

He's doing great

Runner313 · February 2012

Name: Sara Age: 27Date of loss(es): 1/26/06 at 5 weeks, 2/3/12 at 12 weeksFollowing your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: Mostly the actions of my DH and friends have helped me the most, being there for me to vent, but also just hearing "I love you and we have each other" from my DH.The words/advice you hate hearing: "Everything happens for a reason" "Maybe you should stop running the next time around". "Don't be sad." (really??)What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Seeing others post on Facebook about their pregnancies, seeing Ultrasound pictures and family members and friends announcing their pregnancies when they are about 6 weeks along.
Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Yes, I am not sure when though. Maybe in the next 6 months. Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: He took off two days from work to spend time with me right after my D&C. He has been amazingly supportive and I feel like I am so lucky to have him. How is he/she holding up: He is sad, but he is strong.Any questions you have for others: How do you find the strength to talk about your loss with a person that has not gone through it themselves?

Laurakat81 · February 2012

amazestar:
I learned the term 'missed miscarriage' as well. I haven't found many other people who have had this happen to them so I feel your pain. I made it to my 11 week ultrasound and found out the fetus had stopped growing at 9 weeks. I remember feeling so angry that my body had tricked me. I didnt understand how my body didn't realise the fetus has aborted itself. I didn't have any cramping or bleeding, it was all a mystery. I had a D&C two days after finding out. I was miserable for weeks and cried and cried, but I got through and I am sure you will to. If you want to talk let me know!

I don't know how else to say it but this board is not for you right now. Go to "Pregnant After a Loss". The women here are in the middle of losses. I can't speak for everyone but I certainly speak for myself and most.... It is painful to see someone pregnant. I'm sorry for your losses in the past but right now you have a healthy baby growing within you and we do not. I'm sure you can understand why you don't belong on this board.

ct103 · February 2012

Name: ChelseaAge: 26Date of loss(es): 11/4/11Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: Recently, a friend just started crying and hugging me out of the blue, told me I didn't deserve this. We weren't even talking about my miscarriage, but she just felt a rush of compassion for me. I felt so loved. The words/advice you hate hearing: "You're still young, you can have more" - Umm, I already know this and it doesn't bring back the baby I lost. What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: My pregnant friends. It's just so unfair that we can't go through it together, like we were supposed to.
Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Yep, I'm definitely TTCing again already (but I'm 3 months post-mc). Starting to TTC again has actually been really empowering because I'm learning to chart and use OPK's and therefore getting to know my body on a whole new level. Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: The pain got unbearable at about 3am (natural m/c) and I woke him up and told him I needed to go to the hospital. I've never seen him get out of bed faster, and he didn't leave my side until we were home again and it was all over. Plus, I'm amazed that all the blood and unpleasant things he saw that morning didn't freak him out one bit. How is he/she holding up: Great! He's enjoying the TTCing and is VERY optimistic. Any questions you have for others: How do you talk yourself out of a sad day or sad mood? I keep repeating to myself "You'll get yours" and it makes me feel better.

ct103 · February 2012

I find that those who haven't gone through this themself usually assume that I won't want to talk about it. I try to begin by telling them that I actually enjoy talking about it, that talking is actually more healing than ignoring it. That usually sets us both at ease and then we can communicate more openly.

Maybe you prefer to keep quiet about it, and if that's the case I would say just tell people it's personal and you would rather not talk about it. I highly doubt they will ask you again after that!

Trootie2012 · February 2012

Name: Trootie

Age: 38

Date of loss(es): Somewhere between 7 & 8 weeks - Saw a healthy Heartbeat at 7 weeks - 8 weeks the Sac was gone

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: My Doctor telling me that I was Healthy, Blood work was great and that next time the odds are good that I wouldn't miscarry... Noone really knew I was Pregnant yet, so it it hard right now not having a lot of support, so I hope to find comfort here

The words/advice you hate hearing: My Age is Against me ( I Freakin know and I was trying for a year and half before I conceived).

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: The Thought of Never Getting Pregnant Again or getting Pregnant again and miscarrying. How Happy my Fiance was when he found out and how he already started rubbing my belly, the fact that it will probably be 2013 if I got Pregnant again anytime soon. Right now pretty much everything is causing me to break out in tears!

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when:Yes, Right after my Next Cycle -Hoping it doesn't take another 14 months but my doctor did tell me after 6 month of trying they can help.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Held me, and Kept telling me he loves me and we will get thru this.

How is he/she holding up: Ok, in 14 years I saw him cry 3x and this was one of them ( Heartbreaking). Never knew how he really felt about having a baby till now.. he is eager to try again and is being positive about us having a baby again.

Any questions you have for others: ways of dealing with Sadness, how to stop the tears.

MyJillyBean · February 2012

Name: Gillian

Age: 35

Date of loss(es): 2/6/12

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: Nothing specifically. This board is helping so much. I also have a friend who has dealth with miscarriages in the past. She keeps checking in with me daily which I appreciate.

The words/advice you hate hearing: "Keep getting busy...it'll happen."

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: It's only been a few days, so right now anything. I keep thinking to myself, last week at this time I was pregnant.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Definitely and as soon as we can.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Just allowing myself to break down in front of him.

How is he/she holding up: He's holding up fine, which is actually pissing me off a little.

sammer818 · February 2012

Name: Samantha

Age: 28

Date of loss(es): 04/16/11, 11/01/11, 01/06/12

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: "Just take things one day at a time" and "it's ok to cry. "

The words/advice you hate hearing: "It just wasn't your time." I know some people may find comfort in that, but I never did.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Certain songs that were played on the radio a lot around the times of each pregnancy loss. I also feel an overwhelming emptiness every time one of my friends starts talking about their current pregnancy or I start think about their pregnancies or their toddlers. Younger children (over the age of about 4) don't bother me at all...it's just the little ones that really get to me.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: We started trying to conceive again at the end of Jan 2012.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: My husband told me that it was ok to feel what I was feeling and that he would support me every step of the way. He also told me that he couldn't imagine what it must be like to be me, going through all of the emotions that he was AND all of the physical aspects of it too.

How is he/she holding up: He's doing well. He has his bad days, but he has struggled more with anger than sadness. He wants to be so mad, but has no one or nothing to actually be mad it....which only adds to his frustration.

Any questions you have for others: Nope. I'm just trying to get through this one day at a time, and hope that someday in the future, we will finally be blessed with a child. Right now, I'm just terrified that I will never be able a child, and I will just keep going through miscarriage after miscarriage, and it will all be for nothing.

dhreczuck · February 2012

Name:Deb

Age:39

Date of loss(es): 4/1/2011 & 1/21/2012

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: A friend just said to me yesterday when talking about a trip in the future, yeah but your going to be a mom so you won't be able to go. Odd but it made me feel good to know he's confident I will be. Maybe because I don't have the confidence myself right now.

The words/advice you hate hearing:At least you know you can get pregnant, THE WORST THING TO SAY PEOPLE!

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Seeing photos from people who had their babies in Sept when my first loss was due, UGG!

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Um ASAP! I haven't been told to wait, first AF hasn't shown up yet. We're not actively trying but not preventing either.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Just listening to me when I need talk about it and the future. Making me laugh.

How is he/she holding up: Ok, as incredibly upset as I am but ok.

Any questions you have for others: Unfortunately I've noticed others who have had more than one loss, have you noticed as I have that the 2nd time people expect you to get over it quicker and I definately haven't had as much support from friends.

holly321 · February 2012

Name: Holly

Age: 24

Date of loss(es): I found out on 2/3/2012 that the baby no longer had a h/b. I was 13 weeks 3 days, baby measured at 9 weeks. I had my d&c on Monday.

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: Reminders of how much happiness this baby had brought us already.

The words/advice you hate hearing: How it was meant to be. I understand that, but that doesn't bring my baby back.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: I still look pregnant. I keep touching my stomach. I keep forgetting.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: I do want to ttc again. Not right away. I am going back on bcp, maybe for 3-6 months, see where I am then.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: He was just there, that's what I needed.

How is he/she holding up: Ok. He has his moments, just trying to keep himself occupied

8daysaweek · February 2012

Name: Megan

Age: 28

Date of loss(es): CP in July, missed m/c in December

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: The reminder that I loved my baby and that was the best thing I could give him.

The words/advice you hate hearing: Everything happens for a reason. It makes me want to strangle someone.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: I guess thinking about where I would be is one: Thinking, oh, we'd be finding out if it's a boy or a girl soon or the date I would have been out of the first tri.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Yes. We can start after two more periods, so around April.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Take on the responsibilities of DD and the house and telling everyone, etc. so I could grieve and rest during the miscarriage.

How is he/she holding up: Very well. He's sad but H rarely cries. He had a rough childhood and it takes a lot to really shake him as an adult.

Any questions you have for others:

baby101010 · February 2012

Name: Lauren

Age: 34

Date of loss(es): 12/30/09, 9/20/11, 11/22/11 (d&c), 2/6/12 (d&c)

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: Sorry- I am too sad right now- nothing is helping make me feel better.... ok- thats not true- this board helps me. I love reading everyones encouraging words- and hearing your stories makes me feel less alone- so I guess thats what has helped the most ( this board)

The words/advice you hate hearing: The #1 most HATED is " at least you know you can get pregnant" the #2 is " you can always try again" the #3 " At least you have 1 baby already"

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Right now- seeing pregnant people, hearing people complain about pregnancy woes, sappy songs on the radio, and when I have some down time and start to think about my losses.....

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Yes- I refuse to give up. I will have another child if it takes me 10 more losses.... I am determined.... ( I say that now- but we'll see I guess) However- I have put my body though A LOT the past 6 months with 3 consecutive miscarriages- and I know that I need to take a step back and wait at least 3 months or more.....

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Just being there with support and a shoulder to cry on....

How is he/she holding up: He's ok... sad, but ok.... He seems to handle the losses better than me....

Any questions you have for others:

Cubskers · February 2012

Woah, I'm late to the party after my short bump break!

Name: Lauren

Age: 29

Date of loss(es): Discovered missed m/c on 1/6; D&C on 1/9

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: Just people acknowledging the loss and knowing they were there for me.

The words/advice you hate hearing: Nothing too cringe-worthy from people I care about. It was all said from a place of love.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Baby posts on facebook - I need to stay away.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Yes - will be going through another treatment cycle in March. Still have high hopes for a 2012 baby.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Cry with me. He was just as disappointed and hurt as I was.

How is he/she holding up: I think he's moved on. Pregnancy didn't affect him like it did me, so his connection was very small. He's still very open to listening to me, though. I have the most amazing husband. This has just solidified our marriage even more.

This board has been a tremendous resource for me and I will be rooting for all you ladies!!

ngarden01 · February 2012

Name: Nikki

Age: 23

Date of loss(es): February 1st we went in for our first ultrasound at 7w5d and found just an empty gestational sac. Saturday, February 4th I started bleeding and finally accepted the fact that I had a miscarriage.

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: One of my friends called me and told me over and over about how great of a person I was and that if anyone was fit to be a mother, it was me. It wasn't just what she said.. but it was the person saying it. It really meant the world to me at the time.

The words/advice you hate hearing: "It just wasn't your time" -- really?? I'm pretty sure it was my time. After TTC for 2 years and finally getting a BFP.. yes, I do believe that it was my time. I understand that God works in mysterious way.. but don't tell me that I wasn't ready.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: When 2 of my very good friends (both pregnant) start discussing baby plans in our emails to each other. I am so happy for them both, but it's still hard. I'll get occasional emails still too, telling me how far along I should be now and how my baby is growing. I feel like replying "nope.. not true.. my baby isn't growing anymore!"

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: I haven't discussed with my doctor about this yet. I hear that it varies by each person that you ask. I'm not quite done bleeding yet but I think I'll call the doc when it's finished and discuss TTC again. I want to try as soon as we can! I feel like I will be emotionally ready, I just want to make sure that my body is physically ready.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: My husband has been a saint ever since we found out. He gets home from work each day and immediately comes to give me a hug, knowing full well that as soon as he does I will be stuck crying there for at least a minute or two.

How is he/she holding up: He's trying so hard. I never imagined it would hit him this hard though. It makes me feel even worse when I can't stop crying and know that he's hurting just as bad.

Caseyu522 · February 2012

Name: Casey

Age: 24

Date of loss(es): 1/2/2012

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: Honestly, not much of anything.

The words/advice you hate hearing: "You already have a healthy son, just focus on him". "You can try again" "There is a reason for everything" "Keep the faith"

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: So much. My pregnant SIL. My niece. Clothes that I bought to wear when I was pregnant. Going to work (I passed her at work).

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: We are planning to stop using any form of BC in April. Thought we aren't going to be actively TTC we also aren't going to try to stop anything from happening.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: He let me lay on the couch for 4 days and do absolutely nothing after my D&C. He took care of the food, the kids, the house, everything. He also would go to any fast food place or grocery store at anytime if I said anything sounded slightly good to eat just to get food in me (I wasn't eating anything at the time. the day after my D&C I only ate hershey kisses haha)

How is he/she holding up: He is upset, but not visibly so. It's only obvious to me. I know he misses our girl and is sad that she is gone. He's also super strong and is ready to move forward.

NBBride05 · February 2012

Name: Susan

Age: 40

Date of loss(es): 2/10/12

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: I read a suggestion about planting a tree to remember a lost LO. We are going to plant a rose bush. I think it will bring closure. Also DH said, "This is just a bump in the road...we will make another baby."

The words/advice you hate hearing: Nothing yet - it has only been 24 hours.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Nothing yet - it has only been 24 hours.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Yes - As soon as I am cleared by my doctor. I will be 41 in April.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: DH was in Seattle when I started bleeding. He got on the next plane home and has been by my side ever since!

How is he/she holding up: I think he is okay.

airplanegal · February 2012

Age: 29

Date of loss(es): Found out from ultrasound on 1/23 at 8w. Passed the embryo 2w later naturally.

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: I don't remember much of what anyone said. I don't think anything was particularly helpful. However, even though I did not seek them out (and before I found this board), knowing that a few friends had gone through the same thing made me feel like I was not alone in this experience.

The words/advice you hate hearing: I didn't tell anyone we were expecting. So stupid people who look at my belly (which was big before I got pregnant anyway) and ask when I'm due. Or the coworker who asked when I'd be adding to my family. The first is just stupid regardless of miscarriage, the second was well intentioned but ill timed.

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Talking about it. Sad songs on the radio. Watching contestants not get picked on The Voice. Can I blame hormones for that last one?

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Yes, after 3 cycles. I'm fairly ok emotionally after this M/C (it's my first loss), but I don't think I'll feel the same after a 2nd, esp if they are close together. Plus it gives me some time to get down to a healthier weight (preferably one where folks will stop asking when I'm due).

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Gave me space, and took care of our son. I didn't want my son to see me in pain or crying (he's only 2). We told him I had to lay down because my belly was hurting, so he would come over and try to kiss my belly all better. If only...

How is he/she holding up: Claims he's ok, more concerned about me.

skyrockets · May 2012

Name: Lindsay Age: 30Date of loss(es): September 26, started spotting. Confirmed blighted ovum on September 27. The whole process lasted just over a week for me. Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: You will never forget this baby and you will always love this baby. Nurse in emergency room. The words/advice you hate hearing: It wasn't the right time. You didn't do anything wrong. These things happen. What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: Sadness is fading.. Jealousy is not. Since my miscarriage no fewer than thirteen friends, work associates or family members have announced their pregnancies. I am not one to normally envy people but at times the sentiment overwhelms me. I was supposed to have the baby in April 2012 and made it through that month without too much anxiety, but Mother's Day was brutal.
Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: Yes/someday. Maybe this summer. Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: Respected my wishes to keep it to ourselves. We hadn't announced anything yet because of other things going on in my family (my sister's enormous wedding - October 1st, my grandfather's rapid decline and death). How is he/she holding up: Some days are better than others. I think he is worried about going through another conception and loss. We have no reason to think that I couldn't conceive and have a healthy pregnancy, but it's definitely a humbling and terrifying experience. Any questions you have for others: How, if at all, did you honour the memory of your little one? I went back to writing poetry, but mostly personal credos and themes resiliency.

drtarajp · May 2012

Name: tara

Age: 28

Date of loss(es): no hb at 5/9/12 (9w4d, baby measured 6w4d), natural m/c on 5/14/12

Following your loss(es), what words/advice helped the most: nothing specific, but my friends and family that have listened to me talk open and honestly with them. also, seeing other friends that have had successful pregnancies following m/c

The words/advice you hate hearing: 'it wasn't meant to be' , 'it wasn't the right time'

What, if any, do you find are your triggers for sadness: honestly, people that know about the m/c asking me how am i doing. i know this is so nice of them and they are concerned... but i am NOT ok, and i get all teary whenever anyone asks.

Are you planning to TTC again? If so, when: asap.... dont want to wait.

Best thing your husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/partner did following your loss: this past weekend he planned a trip for us to go see my best friend and her husband, the weekend away helped get my mind off of things for awhile. he also planted a memorial tree and placed a stone for our baby in the backyard.

How is he/she holding up: he is okay. he is very sad about our loss, but i feel he is more concerned about how i am holding up.

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