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LGBT Parenting
Marriage Blahs
So I just have to say something to someone and really other than my parents I do not know anyone that has been in a serious relationshp for more than a year or two.
I feel like Ann and I are kind of in a stale place in our relationship. Not to say we do not love each other and are not affectionate but I just feel like we have hit a slump. We both work, her way more than me, and with Ky and the house and ttc again it feels like OUR relationship has taken a back burner. Most of our evenings consist of her getting home from work in time to see Ky to bed, eating dinner, and watching tv cuddling on the couch before bed. Sometimes on the weekends we have friends over to hang out but even then we may play a game or two of pool and then end up sitting around talking before they go home and we go to bed. If no one comes over our weekend nights look like a weeknight. We go out on date night every once in a while but usually we take Ky because Ann hardly gets to see her during the week. We are both comfortable with the other person and while that is a nice place to be it is kind of a boring place to be.
As a side note I hate our new bed. I love the look of it (very grown up no more mismatched furniture) and the feel of it (first new mattress we have ever owned together in 7 years...) but it is a queen. We both are used to sleeping cuddled up next to each other and start out that way but by morning we are on complete opposite sides of the bed. In the old bed there was no room for that. We used to joke that when we stayed in king sized beds in hotels barely a half of it was unmade but on our last trip there was room for a few more in between us.
So I do not even know what I am looking for with this post. Advice? Assurance everyone goes through this?
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Marriage Blahs
*nodding*
I think it must be going around. Someone else posted the same thing yesterday on another board I belong to. I think the biggest piece is that now you are parents. Parenting has a way of taking hold of people and totally scrambling everything. You are tired, there is another person to manage, your time is even less your own, etc. I think it is totally normal to not be the same couple you were 7 years ago. Nor are you the same couple you will be 7 years from now.
From your posts, it sounds like you have childcare for Ky. Utilize that (if not for you, but for those of us out there who have no childcare option aside from the ones that cost $15/hr!) Do stuff together that you can't do with Ky. Do stuff that you all used to do together when it was just the two of you. Spend an evening home free of all electronics. Don't talk about the house, the kid, bill, etc. Schedule $ex - make it a priority. Make a conscious effort to be closer in the bed.
Ok, now I need to heed my own advice.
I dont have children yet but I have had this occur in my marriage/relationship. DW and I have been together for almost 9 years, living together for 8, and married for almost 4. Whenever our lives get busy ie we are both working alot, we are both taking classes, or family resposibilities get in the way we go through this. I think it is simply a matter of being exhausted and the one thing that seems to get put on pause is each other time. DW and I have tried to do our best to have one day a week where we are not grocery shopping, doing HW, cleaning, working, etc. It does not always happen but when it does they are great days. That being said our relationship cycles like this. DW is a teacher and I know the first month of school after summer break is like our worst month of the year...she is tired and frustrated with getting back into the swing of things. The first few years this happened I was super upset but now I just make sure I put a little extra effort into making things easier for her/us. Little notes in her lunch box to remind her to chill out and take a minute and I love her. I know when we were TTC our intimate time was non existent...she was just feeling a little to invaded and those prometrium pills make spontaneuos difficult.
As for the large bed...we have a king bed and sleep one opposite ends (unless I am cold which is a lot) but I often wake up and we are holding hands. Not sure how this occurs but it just happens. So throw a foot on her side of the bed and get a little skin to skin contact it does a lot and makes you feel kinda squishy....I know I am a cheese ball.
I agree with 2brides, we have definitely back -burnered our relationship since the kids were born and it is tough.
Not sure if this is an option for you, but we are starting to do regular (once every other month or so) long lunch dates. It is time together without the kids, but without cutting into family time. We try to use that time to really be together and not simply run through our laundry list of chores/responsibilities (e.g. did you pay this bill, when are we getting groceries, etc.). Our next one is Tuesday and I am really really looking forward to it! I really like spending adult time with Kel and I think sometimes we forget that when we are so busy in our parenting roles.
I think it is really easy to trust in the strength of your relationship to withstand some challenging periods where it is simply not the focus, but I know we do better when we feed and care for our bond. It makes us happier and it probably makes us better parents.
ETA--re the bed, we currently have both kids in bed with us, so our bed is two queen mattresses next to each other on the floor. Kel on one and me on the other, each with a kid. I love aspects of cosleeping, but I will be very happy to get back to sharing a bed with Kel some day.
*raises hand*
Yup... I'll elaborate later.
I have to agree with 2brides...and need to heed her advice.
I can only imagine how you feel, but must admit I am a bit envious. C and I used to cuddle all the time before the Kiddos and now it is a cherished moment because it is so infrequent. We also let the Kiddos sleep with us way too long so sleeping at opposite sides of our king-sized bed comes naturally. We rarely make it out nor do we go out on dates much...when we do all we talk about are the Kiddos. Kiddos do have a tendency to put things on the back burner. (Over this past week) we have realized that we need to communicate our needs and that we hadn't been.
Remember, you have a family here that can relate. ((hugs))
We don't have kids yet so my answer may not be totally applicable. But we have been together for 12 years as of this Sunday, and we've gone through some major transitions together and each time feels like learning how to be married for the first time. I definitely think that everyone goes through this, and it doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with either of you, or with your relationship. But as PPs have said, it will not fix itself. We all know that commitment like this means giving up that fun new relationship time when it is SO easy to be thrilled by each other and enjoy every moment together, no matter how silly or mundane, but it's still disappointing
My advice is mainly just to make sure that you are doing what makes you happy. It sounds like you aren't very satisfied with how you guys are spending your free time together. Is there something that you miss doing, or something you've always wanted to do together? I know that for Jen and I, getting back into triathlon together after I got out of law school was an important part of feeling like we were LIVING life together, and not just letting the time pass us by. We're not sure what we'll be doing to get that feeling back after the kids come, but we're already talking about the necessity of finding that, the possibilities, and what we want our new lives to look like once things settle down and we're getting some sleep again.
I really appreciate this post - both the questions and the answers. EV and I are in a really good place right now - but over the course of our 12 year relationship (7 year marriage) there have definitely been ups and downs and I can relate to everything that's been shared on this board (well substitute dogs for kids
But I do worry about us after the baby comes, and what kind of relationship we'll have. Over the years the biggest "killer" of our fun times together is when everything we talk about is chore related (bills, to-do lists, etc.) and most of that rests on me because I juggle a lot of it, I like to talk about the things I'm working on, and I like talking period. I think sometimes EV's eyes just glaze over. Another hurdle is the tv. I sit in my favorite chair, she lays on the coach. Muting out commericals helps so we can talk about the show - but still - it's barely hanging out. The thing is after work/grad school/life watching an hour of tv seems like a tempting luxury.
We already decided that we're turning off cable again come July (maybe sooner). And hopefully we'll be able to plan fun times together, and remember to make room/time for romance - lol....
I'll have to make a note in my Outlook to read this thread again in Feb 2013....
Thanks everyone for the ideas. I think it is most comforting to know that I am not the only one out there that has experienced this.
Now I just need to to put some ideas into action and out of this funk.
Just read this and it made me think of this thread
https://marriageconfessions.com/2012/02/08/year-seven/