Loss Check-in 2/8/12

Petunia844 · February 2012

Sorry this is a day late! If you are new to the board, this is just a place to check in and see how everyone is doing, it's also a way for you to see how people are dealing with their grief at various stages. Thank you everyone for the great question suggestions from last week.

1. Updates to how you are feeling?

2. What motivates or inspires you?

3. If you are currently TTC how did you decide you were mentally ready? If you aren't, how will you know it is time?

4. What are some ways you have found to comfort yourself at your lowest points?

5. How is your S/O doing with your loss?

6. Questions you want me to ask next week.

Petunia844 · February 2012

1. I am feeling a wide range of emotions... I'm kind of all over the board right now.

2. I'm motivated by my son. I told myself when he was born that he was not born to ruin my life. I want to live a life that will make him proud.

3. We knew we were ready to try again when our love for the thought of future children outweighed the fear.

4. I'm not sure if it's comforting, but at my lowest points I just have to let go. I let myself cry, or even look at things that I know will trigger a big ugly cry. If I'm having a really bad day, I know that it's time to release a lot of it. It's not fun or comforting at the time, but the only way I know to heal is to face my grief head on.

5. He's a typical guy, so he doesn't talk often. I can see a change though in how he is with this pregnancy already than he was with the last one, he both seems to care more and be more scared.

foxxy1 · February 2012

1. Updates to how you are feeling? I'm doing better. It'll be two months on Monday. Sometimes I look back and think how long ago that was. Sometimes I think it just happened yesterday. Last week was rough with the postpartum checkup but things are looking up. We're still in therapy and hope to start the group session later this month. It'll be good to have some other IRL support.

2. What motivates or inspires you? My son. I look at his picture everyday and it helps me get out of bed, even on the days when I just want to curl up into a ball and stay put. He was such a happy and active baby and I really just want to make him proud.

3. If you are currently TTC how did you decide you were mentally ready? If you aren't, how will you know it is time? We're going to start next month. We think that'll be perfect. We also decided our desire to have a rainbow baby strongly outweighed our grief.

4. What are some ways you have found to comfort yourself at your lowest points? I read the Bible a lot. Also, I'm starting to work out again so yoga and lots of walking. If I'm really, really low and feel like I'm worst person ever, I just cry it out. Sometimes I just need to cry it out. It's a big, ugly cry but I feel better aftewards.

5. How is your S/O doing with your loss? He's doing about the same as me. Between the two of us, I'm more vocal with it. I'll start crying at the drop of a hat it seems. It also seems like I'm more upset at the pregnancy loss while he's more upset with the future loss if that makes sense (he's upset at what could've been than what currently is). But therapy has helped him a lot as well.

6. None.

Gizu92708 · February 2012

Im on my phone so everything is bunched up together. 1. Updates to how you are feeling? I'm feeling pretty good. I had a bad weekend but I'm doing better now. 2. What motivates or inspires you? My dh inspires me. He is such an optimistic person. I wish I was like him. My son motivates me to go on. He was such a brave little boy. 3.? If you are currently TTC how did you decide you were mentally ready?? If you aren't, how will you know it is time? Right now I'm not trying to conceive. My csection was less than 6 weeks ago. I have been ready to try again from the moment I buried my son. I know he wants me to have a baby here on earth. I know he wants me to be happy. I believe I will find partial happiness the day I have my rainbow baby. Complete happiness would be if Enzo were here with me. I don't think I will feel guilty when I do get pregnant but that can change. We go through a range of emotions sometimes in a matter of minutes. But I hope Enzo knows that I'm no replacing him. I will always love my children equally. 4.? What are some ways you have found to comfort yourself at your lowest points? Letting out a big ol cry. 5. How is your S/O doing with your loss? He is a very positive very optimistic person. He told me he cried Enzo the first few days all he was going to cry for him. He said that he knows in his heart Enzo would not like to see him feeling sad. Idk how he does it . 6. Questions you want me to ask next week. None.

erbarmywife · February 2012

1. Updates to how you are feeling?

Pretty good...I have my moments, still, and as I'm getting closer to having my rainbow, I'm starting to remember more.

2. What motivates or inspires you?

My kids. All of them, living and angel. Making sure I stay pregnant.

3. If you are currently TTC how did you decide you were mentally ready? If you aren't, how will you know it is time?

Obviously, I'm not TTC, but I knew I was ready when I could think about another child as an addition, and not a replacement. When it was more of a want, then a need.

4. What are some ways you have found to comfort yourself at your lowest points?

ETA: I hold the bunny that was in Thia's isolette. It doesnt smell like her, or the NICU, anymore, but it still was hers. I also like to just look at their pictures..sometimes I run my finger down their faces and imagine doing it for real.

5. How is your S/O doing with your loss?

He's doing much better than he did. He is also really nervous about the new baby, but he's talking about it more. That is HUGE for him..he never opens up emotionally!

6. Questions you want me to ask next week.

Got nothing..lol

samakasrc · February 2012

1. Feeling sad. Today Gabriel should have been 2 months old. I can't believe its been 2 months since we said good-bye. I was THRILLED because my mom remembered and went out to put a candle at the cemetary today Makes a person feel great to know people remember such an important date for us!

2. Helping other people who are going through a pregnancy right now that has an adverse diagnosis.

3. We aren't trying to concieve yet, but we went to a support group for the first time last night and my SO came out with the fact that he's ready soon... I'll never be truly "ready" because I'll always be scared...

4. I have a build a bear that I put his heartbeat in, I snuggle that often when I'm feeling lost. I also post a blog and wait for the responses to come in. Many times thats what I do when I'm craving somone to acknowledge Gabriel for me.

5. S/O is having a tough time right now. Like we said last night: At first it felt like such a relief that we didn't have to make any tough decisions, that we wouldn't be given anymore heartbreaking news and that we could finally move forward with our lives. Now that sense of relief has vanished and we're stuck here in a state of loss and heartache. Some days are better than others of course.

6. sorry if these have already been asked: Advice for "newcomers"? What things make you think of your lo? If you are pg again, what feelings/emotions have you gone through in the early stages?

pottermommy · February 2012

1. Updates to how you are feeling? Well today is Kam's birthday so pretty crappy right about now. It is so wierd I want to be happy today, I love her so much, I rejoiced the day she was born, but it just makes me so sad.

2. What motivates or inspires you? Kamryn, I want her to be proud to be my daughter, I want to see her again and her to be surrounded by hundreds of angels and I want her to run into my arms with a huge smile screaming that's my mommy. I wanted her to be proud to grow up mine, I want her to be proud to watch me go on.....

3. If you are currently TTC how did you decide you were mentally ready? If you aren't, how will you know it is time? I am done TTCAL but I knew I was ready when I wanted a baby that had nothing to do with Kam. When I wasn't saying I want a girl and I want her to look like her, or the I want a boy and I want it to be completely opposite in every way.

When the appeal of the baby was simply my baby and not a way to take away the hurt I knew I was ready, b/c no new baby will take away the pain the one you lost leaves behind. And I didn't want to subject my child to the pain of trying to live up to his dead sister for his whole life.

I want him to be him, just him. That's how I knew.

4. What are some ways you have found to comfort yourself at your lowest points? Sleeping LOL, reading, honestly just down and crying out, I spent alot of time on my face screaming towards heaven.....maybe it means they hear me better.

5. How is your S/O doing with your loss? He is affected differently than me. But today he held a 15 month old little girl. That was the first toddler and little girl he has held since Kam died....I couldn't do it. As of right now Gabriel is still the only baby I have held. My arms held her last and didn't hold another baby until I had the one that shares her heart.

shanaynerz · February 2012

1. Updates to how you are feeling? I'm doing better. I still have my off days, but honestly I'm doing pretty good. I feel bad about it sometimes though, like I shouldn't be thinking about my next baby(ies) but I should still be thinking about Kira and Ethan. It's not like I never think about them, I just don't cry as much.

2. What motivates or inspires you? I think DH because he's so strong. And thinking about my future and having our rainbow baby. Kira and Ethan inspire me, too, because I know they want me to be happy.

3. If you are currently TTC how did you decide you were mentally ready? If you aren't, how will you know it is time?We're TTC. We wanted to try right away, but I would still cry all the time and DH didn't want us to try until I could think about the future, I guess. I now know I'm ready when I think about having a rainbow baby. Having a baby outweighs the grief I have, I suppose. I just so badly want a baby in my arms and I'm still terrified it will take us awhile to conceive again.

4. What are some ways you have found to comfort yourself at your lowest points? I write and talk to DH and my mom. And really just crying helps I find and talking to Kira and Ethan.

5. How is your S/O doing with your loss? He's doing well, and sometimes I feel like he's doing too well. He doesn't like me talking about them and never brings them up himself. He doesn't want to relive the worst day of his life he's told me. He wants to be a dad and wants us to basically pick ourselves up and move forward.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · February 2012

1. Updates to how you are feeling?

Been having a rough few days. Not sure exactly why really. Hoping it passes soon.

2. What motivates or inspires you? Corbin and his life. The things he accomplished and the people he touched in his 5 weeks and a day on this earth amaze me. He did more in that time than I've done in 32 years.

3. If you are currently TTC how did you decide you were mentally ready? If you aren't, how will you know it is time? Not TTC yet and not exactly sure when it will be. Just know it will. DH and I just know there needs to be some separation. Even the idea of TTC. Corbin was a big surprise and we weren't trying so even the idea of TTC is strange to me

4. What are some ways you have found to comfort yourself at your lowest points? I cry, I write, I talk to Corbin, I hug my dog. I also remind myself that no matter how bad I hurt right now I've already been through the 2 things that hurt most in life, childbirth and losing a child. Everything else is nothing in comparison

5. How is your S/O doing with your loss? Not as well as he leads on. He carries a lot of unnecessary guilt. There is no blame to be placed but he blames himself and nothing I say helps. He' much stronger than I am though and has been able to do things I have yet to have the strength to do. I'm pushing myself to do them though because really, is a certain time better than any other?

6. Questions you want me to ask next week.

Did you change anything major after your loss? (house, car, hairstyle, hair color, career) and how did you know it was the right thing to do?

Mjmksb04 · February 2012

Petunia844:

1. Updates to how you are feeling? Soooo much better than last week. I was definitely at a low point then.

2. What motivates or inspires you? Pottermommy (I hate to put her on the spot) said some kind words to one of our loss mom's earlier this week and they moved me so much I wrote them down. I am working on trying to remember the good memories of DD (both) and not focusing so much on the way they died.

3. If you are currently TTC how did you decide you were mentally ready? If you aren't, how will you know it is time? We are not TTC and are not making any permanent decisions, but its likely that we will not try again. I am having an IUD placed next week.

4. What are some ways you have found to comfort yourself at your lowest points? Eesh, that is tough now that I have two losses. I really struggle with comforting myself over DD#2 because I never fully let myself get attached to her and never even bought her anything. With DD#1, I usually go through her boxes of clothes and photos and let myself cry.

5. How is your S/O doing with your loss? He is doing as well as he can be. He is depressed, but he likes to be on the go to keep his mind off of it.

6. Questions you want me to ask next week.

How about something valentine's day themed, like are you doing anything special for V day to remember your LO? Or what are your valentines day plans wtih your SO?

Heatherhah · February 2012

1. Updates to how you are feeling? i a feeling like I will never get pregnant again I am pushing 39 and i know age is just a number but I feeling so lost. I want to have another baby so bad and I miss Sydney so much every day now is a struggle for me.

2. What motivates or inspires you? My Dh and my kids inspire me they make me happy even when my life seems to suck.

3. If you are currently TTC how did you decide you were mentally ready? If you aren't, how will you know it is time? I am not sure I will ever be mentally ready but I really want another baby so bad and I know it will be hard but I have to try my heart is so empty and I know I won't be replacing her but I need to hold a baby in my arms so bad!!

4. What are some ways you have found to comfort yourself at your lowest points? Really I just lean on my DH more when I am having issues. Plus the ladies in my support group help too.

5. How is your S/O doing with your loss? He has good days and sad days he really wants me to be pregnant again too so right now we are focusing on that as well.

6. Questions you want me to ask next week.

nuttycoconut · February 2012

1. Updates to how you are feeling?

I'm doing okay. I never thought I'd get this far and I'm sure I'll have lots of setbacks but I'm grateful for the way I feel now. I can't believe that I'm okay after this crazy year we have had and it makes me believe that I'm stronger than I thought.

2. What motivates or inspires you?

I'm motivated by the pgal and pal ladies on this site and others. I read about how they are doing and it gives me hope that I can have the family I'm "meant" to have someday. Also, I'm inspired by doing tons of research to make sure this never happens again (losing babies to IC).

3. If you are currently TTC how did you decide you were mentally ready? If you aren't, how will you know it is time?

I'm ready because we have gone through so much to have kids and I'm not giving up now! I know I'm not replacing the babies. They will never be replaced. But we made the decision to have kids as soon as we got married in 09 and I'm ready to start trying again now in case it takes us another year. My DH barely had the chance to be a dad. I felt the babies and took care of them every day and when he was finally able to feel their little kicks, we lost them. I want to get back to all of that as soon as possible and this time I'm bringing the baby/babies home in a car seat, not an urn.

4. What are some ways you have found to comfort yourself at your lowest points?

I come on here. Research what I can do next time. Read books in which people are worse off than me. Go on walks. Hug DH as tight as I can. Light the babies' candles (their urns can hold tealights on top) and think about how amazing they were/are.

5. How is your S/O doing with your loss?

I think he is doing better but he has so many clients at work that each day he is fending off questions like, "How's your wife feeling? The babies are coming soon, huh?" So he is forced to tell the story multiple times a day.

6. Questions you want me to ask next week.

How have your IRL friends been through all of this?

What is the best thing a friend or family member has done for you since your loss?

pb127 · February 2012

1. Updates to how you are feeling? I am up and down, but I expected this.

2. What motivates or inspires you? My DH and kiddos, my work, and a beautiful day.

3. If you are currently TTC how did you decide you were mentally ready? If you aren't, how will you know it is time? We're starting again soon and I knew when I felt that my fears of loss are overpowered by my desire for a little one.

4. What are some ways you have found to comfort yourself at your lowest points? Listen to music, crying, looking at DS's pictures and letting the tears flow, and talking to DH or my Mom about how I'm feeling.

5. How is your S/O doing with your loss? He is sad and in a lot of pain, but I know he's looking forward to TTCAL too. He works in L&D (by choice) and I know it is hard for him, but he has also been thankful he can be there for loss parents.

6. Questions you want me to ask next week.