help: dealing with epic meltdowns (sorry, kinda long)

Re: help: dealing with epic meltdowns (sorry, kinda long)

• A&Jmom

  February 2012

  I think you're right that there is not much you can do in the middle of an epic meltdown.  But, you could try some things to help not let them get to that level.  J still has his moments but the actual meltdowns are few and far between.  Do you do anything right now leading up to the meltdown?  Giving a warning of what was about to happen "A we are going to leave in 5 minutes" and then not being swayed from that decision always helped with both kids.  Also, at that age I find saying "goodbye" to whatever as they start to get upset really helped! "Bye, bye Mall!!!!" They get so engaged in saying bye it usually distracts them. 

  Right now the thing that is helping most in stopping the meltdowns with J (and it worked fairly well with Abby) is telling him what I want him to do or not to do very sternly and then counting to 3.  If he hasn't done what I'm asking by 3 then he gets a consequence- timeout for us.  

  Good luck!

  Now, if someone could help me with my WHINY 2 year old and defiant and argumentative as all get out 6 year old that would be awesome!
  

  Report0 Reply
• Loading the player...
• atlantic

  February 2012

  I don't really consider time-out to be punishment or discipline for us.  V has never really minded it and sometimes even sends herself there.  Aside from one or two times, she generally is fine with just sitting still in one spot for a minute.  I consider it more of a cool-off time for us (yes, US, not just her!).  If she's doing something naughty she gets 2 warnings then sent to timeout (generally, this is hitting/kicking).  Once in a while she will REALLY make me mad (the other day she scratched/pinched my face extremely hard and it really hurt) - I had to demand (in my exorcist voice) that she go to timeout right then, no warnings.  It's pretty rare that timeout doesn't calm her down.  I'm in no means presuming that what is right for us is right for all kids - but this has been our experience (so far, she'll probably switch it up for us in a month or two!)

  
  Photo by Melissa Glynn
  

  Report0 Reply
• virginia&alan

  February 2012

  Everyone's advice is great.  I just wanted to add that 123 Magic and Love & Logic really helped us during that period.  For us, the key was establishing clear consequences (at count 3, it's a timeout) and giving DD choices (Do you want to leave now or in 5 minutes?).  Something to also consider is whether you're giving DD a chance to succeed behavior-wise or whether the situation might be a setup for failure.  If you go into something knowing DD is tired, hungry, etc., then the chances of good behavior are greatly diminished. 

  

  Report0 Reply
• Duckie07

  February 2012

  I feel your pain!  DD started having her epic meltdowns at around the same age.  And they were baaaaad.  What's worked for us is first figuring out if these were happening around a time when she would either be hungry or tired.  Things can go sour really fast if DD has skipped a nap or needs something to eat.  Also, we try to approach her meltdowns as lovingly as possible.  Sometimes we all just need an emotional release (heck, I feel like throwing tantrums from time to time).  We try to remember that what might not be a big deal to us, just might feel huge to DD.  Maybe leaving the mall was the end of the world to your DD and they only way she knew how to express her feelings was by physically throwing a tantrum.  Sometimes we just try to hug DD while she is in meltdown mode, other times we ask her questions, "Are you mad, sad, upset, etc?"  Many times she'll tell us if she's mad or sad.  Then we ask her why.  She's usually more than willing to stop her tantrum to tell us why she's mad/sad, etc.  You'll be surprised how much of a difference just listening and acknowledging their feelings and reasons for throwing a tantrum makes.  We do not put her in timeout when she is already in meltdown mode.  One of us might take her to her room, but we always stay with her until she has calmed down.  Sometimes all it takes are some extra hugs and kisses.  I know this probably sounds hokey, but it really has worked for us.  When we're out in public we will give her lots of warnings about what's coming next.  This seems to help avoid meltdowns in public.  Tantrums can really push you to the edge.  I hope you find something that works!
  

  

  Report0 Reply
• rssnlvr

  February 2012

  The best thing we've found about time outs is that they give DD a chance to step away from the emotion of the moment and calm down before she hits ballistic levels. One of us takes her somewhere removed from the situation (a hallway, another room, a different corner on the sidewalk, a different table at the restaurant, etc.) and sits with her. We tell her firmly that she is in a time out and that we are going to sit there until she is ready to talk about things. Then we sit and don't speak. This usually lasts about ten seconds. Then she wants to talk. We explain her misbehavior, acknowledge her frustration, etc. We ALWAYS end with "Do you understand?" She's really good about saying "no" if she's not quite calmed down yet, and if that's the case, we say "okay, we can keep sitting here until you're ready to understand." It's not so much punitive as just a chance to calm down and to show her that she really doesn't have any choice in the matter. Eventually she'll say that she understands, she'll apologize on her own, then we pick her up, hug it out, and return to the situation.

  We don't do a "sit by yourself for a set amount of time" approach because she just gets more worked up that she's being punished and she's not at all calm at the end of the time. 

  Like PP, we do the warnings before leaving, telling her what's going to happen ahead of time, etc. The only time she really flips is if she feels like she's had something sprung on her. If I can tell she's going to be resistant, I give her a couple more warnings/heads-up than usual, and I always end with, "okay?" or "do you understand?" and I keep asking her that until she says "yes." She's way more likely to go along if she has agreed to the plan. 

  Often times, if she's resisting something, we try and figure out what she wants. Does she want more time? To do things in a different order? etc. Then, if it's not a big deal, we compromise and try to do things her way, give her two more minutes, etc. It helps her feel like she has some power/control over things.

   ETA:

  atlantic:

  I don't really consider time-out to be punishment or discipline for us.  V has never really minded it and sometimes even sends herself there.
  

  Wanted to add that I totally laughed at this! DD is the SAME way. She'll get frustrated with something, look at me, and say, "Let's go talk about this." So I'll get her and take her away to talk. I have to try reeeaally hard not to laugh when she does this. 
  

   

  Dear Bump: You suck.

  Report0 Reply
• michelleaxo

  February 2012

  Dude, I could have written this post myself. G has totally been having some meltodowns lately and has been challenging us on everything. My parent call me a pushover b/c I try to show her the right way of doing things instead of immediately punishing her. Timeouts are my most effective "punishment". I tell her to go to her room and stay there until she is ready to behave. She usually stays in there for less than 10 minutes and usually comes out ready to be a good girl. When we are out and about, like you described above, I am at a loss. No good advice there, but you are not alone!

  Report0 Reply
• joyco

  February 2012

  We have epic meltdowns when there's only one of something and they both want it.  ::shakes fist at people who think twins can handle that sort of thing::  (<-just kidding).

   

  But I was going to say that when we go out anywhere with the boys, I never buy them anything.  Never.  I've set a precedent that we're going to leave the store and they don't get anything extra.  When I want to buy them something, I buy it when they're at school or I'm out by myself.  That way, they're not FREAKING their everlovingshit that they're not getting something (which they totally would) when we go to leave. 

  I also do the reminding thing "dude, we're leaving in about 5 minutes so get your stuff together" or whatever.  And they're usually cool about it.  I can't think of one time where they've thrown a tantrum about going back home.  I can think of a million times where they've fought over a G.D. truck at the Jumpy Place, but I digress...
  

  Report0 Reply
• ali-1411 member

  February 2012

  I don't just tell Layna, "Its time to go home."  Home is boring, home means we're not doing anything.  Instead, I tell her that we're going to the car and she can get her juice box and/or snack.  Or that we're going home to watch Dora.  Or that we're going home to see Daddy and Jakob.  It usually gets her thinking about what's going to happen next and so she's not concerned about whatever is ending. 

   
  

  Warning No formatter is installed for the format bbhtml

  Report0 Reply