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3rd Trimester
Who to have in the delivery room
I'm 31 weeks and at the time of trying to decide who to have in the delivery room. Other than my healthcare people, I'm allowed 2 people in the room (but I don't need 2 people if I don't want them)
My husband is a fantastic support and will be my main 'coach' and person there. But I can't help but feel like I'd like a back up around if he needs to run to the washroom, or go to the cafeteria etc.
Is this silly? Should I just have him and leave it at that?
I have a midwife, and she has an intern. So they will be my medical support. My midwife is lovely, and experienced, but she's never had a baby (neither has the intern) so I'm left feeling like it might be nice to have someone in the room who has actually given birth....
I'm really puzzled on this:
My mom and I are not close, but I think she will be hurt not to be included. She is.... unreliable at best, but sometimes surprises me. She also tends to stress me out, but she's still my mom, so of course I love her, and sometimes (when she's able to give it) I really appreciate her support.
I have no sisters so that's out.
My dad actually asked if he could be involved. While I was growing up, we were very close. I'd love to give him the opportunity to be involved, but there just seem to be too many ... revealing things about birth that I'm not comfortable with him seeing... No matter how much I know he loves me... I'm touched by his desire to help, honestly I am. But he comes with his wife (who stresses me out as well) and I don't like that.... And I guess, since one of my goals is to have someone in the room who has actually given birth, Dad doesn't quite do the trick.
I have a friend who offered to be there. She's an amazing person. She's a nurse. She has 4 kids (2 she birthed without pain meds, which is my goal) But, she lives in Texas (I live in Canada) and I'm not sure how we'd make sure she was there. She's also a friend from church... and I'm terrified I'll swear up a storm in front of her in the stress of the moment... which I don't want to do.
I have another friend who has offered to be there. She's given birth to twins and a single baby. I'm close with her, and I'm not afraid to say things around her. She lives in town and says she can be there. She was present for her sister's delivery too, so she has experience that way. But in the case of both friends I'm terrified that I'll never repair the relationship with my mom, potentially really hurt my dad, and have a terrible time keeping my MIL (who I DON'T want there) away if she knows I have a random friend in the room. I'm sure that won't make sense to her.
Just 2 years ago, my sister in law had a baby and she had her mom and her husband in the room. Immediately after birth (and I mean right away) we were all allowed in: Brothers, Sisters, Brothers in law sisters in law grandparents partners. It was crazy. I don't even want to let anyone know the baby is here until I've had an hour at least of recovery and skin to skin time with the baby. And I want it to be a special time with my husband for us to bond as a family. But I feel that my SIL set a precident that will be hard to break....
Ack. Sorry for the long post. Any input would be greatly appreciated. I'm really worried about this...
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Who to have in the delivery room
The only person I want in the room for delivery is my H....
I am fine with people being at the hospital and in my room but once its time to push, everyone else out... and after LO is here, I want a couple of hours by ourselves with him. After that, I am fine with family and close friends to visit, but dont want them there for a long time...
Everyone seems pretty cool about this, and understanding (at least as of right now they are, we will see as it gets closer)
Dont worry about what others have done... this is what YOU want...
Doesn't your midwife count as medical personnel and will therefore be there? I'm confused.
ETA- ok, I re-read the post and I misunderstood it the first time around, sorry. DH is a given and I'd probably say your dad is a good candidate for the other person. He can hold your hand and support you without staring into your lady bits.
My DH has no plans of watching DD come out, he's not good with blood and such so he'll be camped out above my waist and he'll see her for the first time when I do.
Yeah, definitely the midwife (and her intern) count as medical personnel. I'm allowed up to 2 people in the room who aren't medical personnel.
My husband is the first, but I'm confused about whether or not to have a second person and if so, who to have.
Honestly it is all about having who you think will help you the most and who you will feel comfortable being so "vulnerable" I guess, around. I think that having someone who has been in labor before that isn't a dr is always a good thing, I had my mom in the room with me along with my husband and my sister but all of us are very close so I was able to be comfortable around them. It sounds like though if having another person in the room with you other then the drs and your hubby is just going to stress you out then just stick with those people. Your midwife will be able to offer good enough female support if you decide not to have someone else. Also as far as offending people with what you say or feeling like you won't be able to look at your friends the same way after they see all of you business, don't worry about that everyone understands that labor is painful and you will say some not so nice things! And my sister saw everything (she was sitting in a chair that had too good of a view and it kind of scared her lol) but I hardly remember that she has seen EVERYTHING! But like I said if you feel like anyone else in the room will make you uncomfortable then just stick with who you have.
Also tell the medical personnel that you want time in the room after the baby is born without anyone else coming in to see you guys and they will help keep people out. That is what they did when I delivered my daughter, the nurse didn't let anyone in till I was cleaned up and reassu to visit. Sorry so long!
DH and medical staff will be the only ones allowed in that room with me.
We are not even calling family until after she is born, clean, we are rested, clean and ready for visitors. Even then we are only allowing our parents and SIL's. Everyone else has to wait until we are home.
In your case, I would just have it be you and DH. I think it would make it easier to have a calmer laboring experience if it's just the two of you. If you end up having a longer labor (8+ hours) I would consider the friend that is in town, or your mother. This experience might bring you two closer together! I think that birth is a wonderful experience, but the friend that lives in Texas would have to make a lot of accommadations to come to the hospital, and she may not make in time to be a support person. These are just my thoughts.
My experience was that I had my mother and my ex-husband for the first births, my mother was a huge help and my ex was not so much...he slept a lot and didn't really do much besides watch tv or smoke cigs. I was very thankful to have my mother because my hubby at the time was not into the labor and birth thing. The second birth was better, I did do an epi instead of natural, so I didn't need as much support. I had the ex and his mother there. Same situation, not a lot of support like my mother. This time I have a wonderful husband who has put thoughts and opinions on the birth. He wants to be there for me the whole time and told me he won't leave my side. I wouldn't mind my mother being there, but my husband thinks she may try and take over the whole thing (she's been known to try and be in control). I'm just going to have DH there. I'm packing him snacks in case he gets hungry, and I'm making him a list of people who want to meet the baby right away to call right after she has arrived. My mother will be the first to know, and since she agreed to watch my older children, they get to see her first over anyone else!
There is something to be said for the idea of giving your support person a break. Labor can take a long time, at my hospital we aren't allowed to eat, but I didn't expect DH not to eat. When he wanted to step our for a bite, it was nice to not be alone.
I would pick whoever is going to make you most comfortable, and not who you think will be hurt. I understand that makes things hard, but the happier you are the better your birth will be. Last time we had folks in right away, and this time I'm hoping for a more calm/serene sort of setting. It was exciting and joyful last time, and this time I want more calm.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
DH and I had decided early on it would just be the 2 of us in there. When it happened though I would have been totally cool with my mom being in there, but not really anyone else. I think the thing to remember is that it needs to be who you want and who you choose. Not any one person because of obligation or any other reason....this is your time, not theirs. I felt a lot of pressure from family that if I had my mom then I'd need to have DH's mom and my answer was just plain NO...our baby, our decision. You only have babies so many times in your life...do not let the joy get crowded out by pushy people. And if you pick the church lady...she won't be shocked if you cuss, if she's had babies she knows whats up!
^This exactly. My husband wants his mother around but I'm putting my foot down and saying no. She can be there up until pushing and she can come to see the baby after we have had a few hours to bond with baby and relax, but that's about it.
Same here. If he needs to run to the bathroom or whatever, I will be ok without him. I have NO desire to have anyone else in the room.
I had DH & my mom in the room for delivery. However, my mom & I have a pretty good relationship.
Don't have your mom in the room just because you don't want to hurt her feelings. this is about what is going to keep you the calmest, most relaxed/comfortable & least stressed. Sounds to me like that's your friend that lives in town IF you want a 2nd person there.
Also, don't feel like you HAVE to let people in the L&D room right after birth just because your SIL did that. Again, this is about your level of comfort & what's going to be least stressful for you.
You can leave instructions at the desk that no one but DH & ___ are to be allowed in the L&D room.
I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself by trying to put together the perfect support team, and at the same time you are still worrying about their feelings and experiences.
You are the one who will be giving birth. Anyone who is in the room with you should be there with the understanding that their number one reason for being there is to support you. If they are putting their own feelings or expectations or neediness ahead of yours, maybe they should be waiting outside.
Also I would not worry about swearing in front of your friend from church if she is someone who you really want to have with you. Are you afraid she will judge you or change her opinion of you for swearing while in the throes of labor? Maybe you could just warn her ahead of time that you are worried you might swear on the day of the blessed event, and ask if that would bother her. Maybe she'll surprise you. IMHO, you get a pass on swearing while giving birth.
GL-
Hi All,
I just wanted to say a huge thank you for all the opinions, feedback and support. I'm now leaning towards just me and the DH.
I've never posted here before, but the response was wonderful. I'll definitely feel comfortable posting again.
Thanks!