In-laws/Husband VENT and it's long!

Re: In-laws/Husband VENT and it's long!

• shaindelr member

  February 2012

  Hey, Stephanie,

  I'm up grading because it's midterm week. I just wondered if maybe cultural family dynamics are in play here. (Sorry if this is a weird theory, but I taught a bunch of cross-cultural communication essays this week, and one of them was "No Name Woman" by Maxine Hong Kingston.)

  I did a quick internet search and came up with this resource for therapists who are working with Asian American clients to understand their patients' family dynamics:

  Traditional Characteristics of Asian Families

  Although it is necessary to emphasize the heterogeneity of Asian groups, it is equally important to acknowledge a certain level of cultural similarity among them. Historically, the agricultural background and the teachings of Confucianism and Buddhism have had a profound influence on Eastern philosophical approaches to life and family interactions. Traditional Asian families place a high value on the family unit ? rather than the individual. The individual is seen as the product of all the generations of his or her family. Such rituals and customs as ancestor worship, family celebrations, funeral rites, and genealogy records reinforce this concept. Because of this continuum, an individual's personal action reflects not only on himself but also on his extended family and ancestors (Shon & Ja, 1982). An individual is expected to function in his or her clearly defined roles and positions in the family hierarchy, based on age, gender, and social class. Obligations and shame are the mechanisms that traditionally help to reinforce societal expectations and proper behavior. There is an emphasis on harmonious interpersonal relationships, interdependence, and mutual obligations or loyalty for achieving a state of psychological homeostasis or peaceful coexistence with family or other fellow beings (Hsu, 1971).

  Marital Subsystem

  In traditional Asian families, it was common for three or four generations of family members to live in the same household. In an agricultural society, this arrangement was economical, practical, and one way to ensure the continuity of the family line (on the husband's side). Marriages are arranged by parents or grandparents. The dominant relationship is more likely to be placed on the parent-child dyad rather than the husband-wife dyad. The husband assumes the role of leadership and authority and is the provider and protector of the family. The wife assumes the role of homemaker and childbearer. Physical and verbal expressions of love are uncommon. When things go wrong, the difficulties may be repaired by other adult mediators or confidantes. Divorce is not a common practice. The wife is usually dominated by the authority of her husband, her father, her in-laws, and, sometimes, her son.

  Parent-Child Subsystem

  The traditional role of a mother is to provide nutrients and support. The father's role is to discipline. The father's and mother's functions tend to be complementary rather than symmetrical. The strongest emotional attachment for a woman is sometimes not her husband but her children (especially her sons). Most parents demand respect and obedience from their children. In many extended families, children are not solely raised by their parents but are cared for by a wide range of adults (grandparents, uncles, aunts, cousins, wet nurses). The social norm built on the Confucian teaching of filial piety required that children not only provide food and shelter for their elderly parents but also pay them respect and loyalty.

  Here's the website:

  https://www.evelynlee-mentalhealth.org/assessment_chinese_families.asp

  I basically think, yes, in "Western culture," he should be on your side, but maybe if he is a first or second generation Chinese-American or from a very traditional family, it might not be the same. This might be something to talk about with him.

  Hope that helps. Back to grading for me! 

  
  Mac and cheese lover!
  
  
  
  

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• stephanie_shoe member

  February 2012

  Thanks for taking the time out to research all that for me.  I totally get the cultural dynamic, but not sure it applies in this case.  Hubby is half-chinese, half-caucasian.  (Father is chinese; hence our last name).  I'm the all-white girl that married into the family (lol)!

  However, when I read the excerpt "The dominant relationship is more likely to be placed on the parent-child dyad rather than the husband-wife dyad<"  that made sense because it seems as if his father will scedule, then re-schedule, and then if necessary re-schedule a dinner, lunch, etc so that everyone can make it.  To not show up for something is just totally unacceptable.  I don't know why he bothers; everyone talks over each other, his wife and my SIL always get in a screaming match (no kidding), his dad gets upset and retreats, and my other SIL makes things worse by re-hashing every moment.  Every.Single.Time.  OH, and my FIL's wife (she is not my mother-in-law; they have only been married a year) comments on my weight!!!  Either I am looking trim or chunky, but she always has to say something!

  Sorry, this reply is way long and you are busy...and I just used it as another opportunity to vent.  I really appreciate you sending me the info.  Happy Grading!

  I guess it's just hard for me to understand why my husband thinks it has to be ME v. THEM...aren't we all "family?"

  Stephanie Hsu

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• Kmhsswim member

  February 2012

  Sorry it's been so rough lately.  Hopefully you and your DH are able to talk more about it and he will begin to understand where you are coming from. 

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