i feel like the world is falling apart...(long)

Kpsbabyzoe · February 2012

every time i take 2 steps forward i feel like i'm taking 10 back. i don't know how to explain all of this without coming across as a total psycho and heartless, but i hope you all know me well enough by now that i'm sharing this on a leap of faith...

DH and i got married because i was pregnant. fact. and there's nothing glorious about it, and it's not the way i wanted my life to be and it freaking sucks. it was hugely family driven, but also i think we both felt obligated because we felt guilty..we both come from very strict religious backgrounds and we were both attending a christian college at the time.

but now, 2 m/c later, and LO is getting bigger- i realize what a horrible choice it was. i've never felt like i married him because i was in love. i felt like it was a duty. i've never been happy. and the worst part- i was completely in love with my best friend K, but he and i never seemed to get the timing right, or just never admitted it at the right time. but after i got married he got drunk and admitted that he was still in love with me and i've cried about it ever since. to make matters worse, i've cheated on DH twice with K, and DH knows about the first time. the second time was this past august. and when i sat down with my OB and went over my charts she pointed out the day she thought i conceived before my first m/c. and if she's right- then it was K's baby, not DH's.

what do i do? i'm at a total loss. i haven't spoken to K since november because i told him we just couldn't keep doing this to ourselves. it was also in november that i got pregnant the second time, and K was trying to respect my choice to move on and have a family with DH. i feel dizzy when i think about it all too much. its this huge mess that i've gotten myself into, and before DH and i agreed to wait on TTC, but he's been pushing me lately to try again and i just cry every time he brings it up.

now that it's all written down it sounds almost worse than it did just knowing the facts in my head. i dont even know what i'm asking here...just where is there to go from here?

CashewsMommy · February 2012

{{{hugs}}} You really need to do what is best for you and what you think will make you happy. Everything else can fall into place after that. I wish I had better words of wisdom for you. For now, you are just getting a huge {{{hug}}}.

LaTi07 · February 2012

I'm going to preface this by saying it's going to sound super snarky, but it's really not intended to be. There's just no real easy way to say it.

You owe it to the both of you and especially your LO to end things if you are unhappy. Children would rather come from a broken home than live in one. There is a big difference between just finding things to be difficult and really being checked out. It sounds like you are just really checked out. Don't force yourself to stay, you will end up resenting him and your children.

angielayne926 · February 2012

Oh hun! Like Cashews said, you need to do what makes you happy. I really have no other advice than that. ((((HUGE HUGS))))

VikingQueen · February 2012

first off ((huge hugs))

second.. Sweetie it's time to do what makes you happy.. if your not happy with DH then you need to sit down and talk with him and work it all out. DO NOT STAY IN A RELATIONSHIP THAT DOESN'T MAKE YOU HAPPY! you need to think about yourself.. I know I sound like a hypocrite considering my circumstances but I have thought a lot about it and I know how hard it is and I truly believe that everyone deserves to be happy. If your truly not happy with him then please don't stay with him. He doesn't deserve to be cheated on, you deserve to be happy. If you feel like K is the one then you need to be straight with your DH.. Divorce sucks but I'd rather be blissfully happy one day than live a mediocre life with someone who only makes me a little bit happy..

again.. ((hugs)) and I'm here if you need to talk.

Kpsbabyzoe · February 2012

thanks ladies...and you're all right. i need to be honest and tell DH how i'm really feeling, and probably share all of this with my counselor. i've just been so afraid of how people will judge me that i've never shared this with anyone before. but i cant justify dragging myself and DD through this for the rest of our lives without doing something.

mork · February 2012

LaTi07:
I'm going to preface this by saying it's going to sound super snarky, but it's really not intended to be. There's just no real easy way to say it.
You owe it to the both of you and especially your LO to end things if you are unhappy. Children would rather come from a broken home than live in one. There is a big difference between just finding things to be difficult and really being checked out. It sounds like you are just really checked out. Don't force yourself to stay, you will end up resenting him and your children.

I agree with LaT here. My parents were obviously not in love, and weren't even that friendly. My brothers and I used to discuss (at very young ages) how we wished they would separate. It was horrible, and, although a very tough road, it was better after they divorced, even though I was only 13 when it was finalized. You need to do this for your LO and for yourself.

(On the other hand, if you decide to stay, you need to put EVERYTHING into it. You can't continue the way it is. If you can't do that, then I don't think your relationship can continue.)

LaTi07 · February 2012

Kpsbabyzoe:
thanks ladies...and you're all right. i need to be honest and tell DH how i'm really feeling, and probably share all of this with my counselor. i've just been so afraid of how people will judge me that i've never shared this with anyone before. but i cant justify dragging myself and DD through this for the rest of our lives without doing something.

People up and make mistakes sometimes. Don't beat yourself up over it. The only thing you can do now is just move forward. Talking to him is definitely a good first step to see if either of you wants to try to make it work. (hugs)

Chame90 · February 2012

((Hugs)) I wish I could do more for you but all I have to say is do what is best for you and your DD. It may hurt at first but it will be better in the long run. My T&P's are with you.

Malka7997 · February 2012

mork:
I agree with LaT here. My parents were obviously not in love, and weren't even that friendly. My brothers and I used to discuss (at very young ages) how we wished they would separate. It was horrible, and, although a very tough road, it was better after they divorced, even though I was only 13 when it was finalized. You need to do this for your LO and for yourself.
(On the other hand, if you decide to stay, you need to put EVERYTHING into it. You can't continue the way it is. If you can't do that, then I don't think your relationship can continue.)

I completely agree. I'm so sorry your going through all this and hope you find your happiness. Only you know if you have it in you to try and make it work or if you are just done.

HopingforChange · February 2012

Oh, sweetie. I am so very sorry. I am sorry that your families made you feel that a baby meant a marriage and sorry that you are dealing with the fall out from that now. I can't imagine how much that hurts. I believe in making marriages work, but it doesn't sound like either you or DH had the opportunity to truly choose this relationship, and that is a major obstacle to going forward. How can you make someone else's dream a reality? You are living in a world created by your parents and the social forces of your community rather than of your own volition. Of course you are unhappy--you have never taken on the decision as your own! Anyone would be unhappy in that situation! I mean, I don't know how qualified I am to give advice. I guess I would just say, meditate on it, pray about it. Go where you are to go, but go there all the way. If you are staying with DH, you have to choose to own that decision and to make it your, instead of your parents', choice and give it all you have. And, I guess, just remember that you can't leave him for K, IMO. You have to leave him for you, because you are unhappy and don't think you can ever be otherwise with DH. Best friend and potential partner or not, K doesn't have to live with your choices in the same way that you do. Make sure that you are giving yourself the chance to choose this time. You deserve that--whether you stay or go. Big, big, big ((hugs)) to you.

ETA: Removed a question OP had answered already.

RequiresExalted · February 2012

CashewsMommy:
{{{hugs}}} You really need to do what is best for you and what you think will make you happy. Everything else can fall into place after that. I wish I had better words of wisdom for you. For now, you are just getting a huge {{{hug}}}.

Cashew took the words right out of my mouth (and probably more eloquently than I could've said them).

I wish I had more advice for you.

*big huge hugs*

GatorBaby2012 · February 2012

LaTi07:
I'm going to preface this by saying it's going to sound super snarky, but it's really not intended to be. There's just no real easy way to say it.
You owe it to the both of you and especially your LO to end things if you are unhappy. Children would rather come from a broken home than live in one. There is a big difference between just finding things to be difficult and really being checked out. It sounds like you are just really checked out. Don't force yourself to stay, you will end up resenting him and your children.

This. I am a child of divorce, and when my parents split at age 5, I had no opinion on the matter. I think a lot of people stay together for the kids, but as one of those kids, you're not doing anyone any favors. You deserve to be happy, and your LO deserves to be surrounded by people who can deomonstrate what true love is.

orangegoggles · February 2012

(((Hugs))) Everyone already gave wonderful advice so I thought I would throw something else to think about. I would definitely continue/start counseling before throwing in the towel. Sometimes when we are unhappy for whatever reason (with ourselves, loss, etc.) we can push away people and perhaps run towards someone who we think will make us happier. The truth is you don't know for sure how your life will be your friend or if it is just the excitement of someone new so I suggest that you work on yourself and leave your husband if you feel you would be happier alone....not for the allure of what might be with your friend. Kwim?

Huge hugs hun...I know this must be so hard. It takes a lot of courage to make a huge life decision like this. Follow your heart.

4legsRbest · February 2012

I am so sorry you having to go through this. There is no easy way around it, that is a fact, so you have to be prepared for the work ahead either way. I would talk with a counselor first before you start speaking with DH or others in your life about this. If addressed wrong at the beginning, it can mean certain disaster. Get your mind right first before you open your mouth. My words of advice are coming from being in the spot you are in before - of course without any children so that does make things drastically different for you. My first DH was never meant to be the one for me. Looking back I think I knew this all along but somehow I thought I could make myself love him because he was good for me and what I needed at the time. However, I wasted 8 years of my life with him and I will never get that back. I am now married to the love of my life (insert your other situation here) and I am not proud of some of the things I did but I can't imagine being on this planet without the man I am married to today. It just feels like home being with him.

But I digress so back to my original point - get your head right. I opened my mouth and told all my thoughts and dirty secrets before I had them in order in my head and I left a wake of broken hearts behind me. Had I to do it over again, I would still have made the choice to leave, but my exit would have been more graceful and I would have preferred to spare some of the pain I caused by keeping a few things to myself. Once you do seek help and get your self right, include him in the discussions - my ex went to therapy with me for 4 months before we divorced and it repaired a lot of the damage it did early on, I owed him that at least. I left with a new appreciation of him and you never know, it could be that he is the love of your life and you just need some help to see it.

Big hugs to you!!

atmidwoodtobe · February 2012

**HUGE HUGS** Like PPs said, you need to do what's best for you and your LO. They will resent you more for not being faithful to their father than if you were to just follow your heart and do what you need to do, for your sanity AND their's! I would definitely discuss this with a counselor. I work for a family law attorney and many around this area do a free initial consult. I can't imagine it would much different anywhere else. If you really want to know what it entails and get a feel for what's going to happen, I would go for even just a consult. I see so many people stay in a relationship for just the children and it is SO much worse in the long run. When you do what's best for you, you're a happier person and you can give your LO 100% of your attention instead of wording about how your going to get out of a marriage your not happy in. Again, I am so sorry you're going through this. I hope things work out for you

SouthernBellaKS · February 2012

HopingforChange:
And, I guess, just remember that you can't leave him for K, IMO. You have to leave him for you, because you are unhappy and don't think you can ever be otherwise with DH. Best friend and potential partner or not, K doesn't have to live with your choices in the same way that you do. Make sure that you are giving yourself the chance to choose this time. You deserve that--whether you stay or go.

This is a biggie. You can't make a decision like this based on the desire to be with another guy, as hard as that is. Then you're making a decision because the grass looks greener on the other side, as opposed to being with DH isn't what's making you happy. We get one chance at this life, so I'm all for doing what makes you the happiest. Obligation is a very difficult things to live life by. Good luck!

mijakach · February 2012

((Huge Hugs)) I am so sorry you are feeling this way. In the end, you have to do what makes you happy. If being with your DH doesn't make you happy, it sounds like it may be best to end it. Staying together just for the kids is never a good decision. Your DD will eventually sense that the two of you aren't happy together and that won't be easy on her. Counseling is definitely a good place to start. I wish you lots of luck with your decision.

RizzaTs · February 2012

I think the other ladies have given you great advice. So I guess I don't really have anything to add, just wanted to give you a (((hug))) and say that I am sorry you are in this spot.

lau1021 · February 2012

((BIG hugs)) all i can say is that your happiness is the most important thing.

jelero · February 2012

mork:

(On the other hand, if you decide to stay, you need to put EVERYTHING into it. You can't continue the way it is. If you can't do that, then I don't think your relationship can continue.)

This. I think you should start by talking openly with your counselor. Then you need to try to make a decision one way or the other and stick with it 100%. Remaining married to DH and continuing to cheat on him is not fair to you, him, or your LO. I don't mean that to sound snarky, but a dishonest relationship isn't healthy IMO.

shanrob · February 2012

HopingforChange:
Oh, sweetie. I am so very sorry. I am sorry that your families made you feel that a baby meant a marriage and sorry that you are dealing with the fall out from that now. I can't imagine how much that hurts. I believe in making marriages work, but it doesn't sound like either you or DH had the opportunity to truly choose this relationship, and that is a major obstacle to going forward. How can you make someone else's dream a reality? You are living in a world created by your parents and the social forces of your community rather than of your own volition. Of course you are unhappy--you have never taken on the decision as your own! Anyone would be unhappy in that situation! I mean, I don't know how qualified I am to give advice. I guess I would just say, meditate on it, pray about it. Go where you are to go, but go there all the way. If you are staying with DH, you have to choose to own that decision and to make it your, instead of your parents', choice and give it all you have. And, I guess, just remember that you can't leave him for K, IMO. You have to leave him for you, because you are unhappy and don't think you can ever be otherwise with DH. Best friend and potential partner or not, K doesn't have to live with your choices in the same way that you do. Make sure that you are giving yourself the chance to choose this time. You deserve that--whether you stay or go. Big, big, big ((hugs)) to you.
ETA: Removed a question OP had answered already.

All of this!

thatlauragirl · February 2012

jelero:
mork:

(On the other hand, if you decide to stay, you need to put EVERYTHING into it. You can't continue the way it is. If you can't do that, then I don't think your relationship can continue.)

This. I think you should start by talking openly with your counselor. Then you need to try to make a decision one way or the other and stick with it 100%. Remaining married to DH and continuing to cheat on him is not fair to you, him, or your LO. I don't mean that to sound snarky, but a dishonest relationship isn't healthy IMO.

I agree with this. The fact that you're opening up about this here makes me think that you're ready for some positive change. You deserve to be happy. ((Hugs))

raashton · February 2012

My hear breaks for you, and I agree with PPs- you deserve happiness and your husband also deserves that. Ater some exploring, if you all aren't the source of that for each other, there is nothing wrong with walking away. Often, it takes more strength to say "This doesn't work for anyone." than to stay and be miserable and someone that you know you are not.

You child also deserves to have mother who is happy- remember you set an example for her. You know you would not want her living life with a man she felt obligated to rather than loved.

Sending out love and strength that you find your way!

aussiedaze · February 2012

I think everyone else has given great advice, so I'll just give you lots and lots of ((HUGS)). I'm so sorry you're going through this.

ChloBub · February 2012

I'm coming in late, but I just wanted to applaud your honesty and let you know I'm thinking of you. Everyone has given wonderful advice, especially about counseling and giving whatever you choose your all. (((HUGS))) and GL; we are always here for you.

buckeyebaby814 · February 2012

Big ::HUGS:: I really have no words of wisdom for you other than take care of yourself.

maxsom · February 2012

Oh, sweetie. I'm sorry you're going through all of this.

I haven't read all of the responses, but I have to agree with Lati and the others. I grew up in a household with two parents who didn't love each other. And, though I'm well-rounded and a generally happy person, it breaks my heart to know my mom stayed with my dad for as long as she did BECAUSE of me. I'm the baby and as soon as I graduated high school, literally a month later, they told me they were getting divorced. My dad's a special case and a bit of an a$$ in and of himself and is miserable in his new marriage, but that's his choice because he married a biotch, however, my mom is happier than she's ever been with someone who truly loves her and she truly loves back. You owe it to yourself, your DH and your daughter to figure things out and decide what you truly want. If you want to give it a shot with marital counseling, then go for it, but if the end result is that you and DH are no longer together, then that's okay and is probably the best thing for everyone and it's possible, if he feels the same way, the two of you can be amicable and get along very well if you're not forcing yourselves to be together and be unhappy. Kids are more receptive and observant than we realize and your daughter, and any possible future children, will be able to see through the charade and will know that there's something not right.

*HUGE hugs*

BarooGirl · February 2012

You have a lot on your plate. I dont have anything else, except what everyone else has posted. I wish you the best and just want to give you ((big hugs)).

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