Just need to say this...(VERY long, sorry!) — The Bump

Just need to say this...(VERY long, sorry!)

I need to get this all out and I cannot talk to DH about it because of the people it involves. I talked to K's BF last week and DH hates him. I waited until today to write all this down because I needed to digest it all myself. So here goes...

 K's BF (J) sent me a txt msg last week, first time in like 6 months. I never initiate contact with him, but I try to be cordial and respond when he says something. It started off by something simple as "Have a good day." I said, you too and left it. He then started talking and telling me how he will be in CA in a few months and would love to see me. He does this every once in a while where he says he will be in the "area" (LA is 8 hours from me) but the plans always fall through. Then he asked me to send him a recent pic of me. Well, the only pic I have is of me and Emme from a few weeks ago. I have never come out and told him that DH and I got married or that we had E. We got married when J's mom was dying of cancer in GA and I never thought it was appropriate it. He would call to tell me how she was getting worse and be all sad and I just didn't want to make it worse by saying, "Im happy, Im getting married" etc. Well, I sent him the pic of me and E. Then he got all but hurt for a bit saying how why didn't I tell him about E or that DH and I got married, etc. I explained why and then time just kept getting longer and longer. Plus, he has never talked about his family. 

Come to find out, he and his wife are still married and they have 4 kids. Oh, and this woman didnt want kids! It kind of bothers me and hurts me that I am struggling for me and DH to have another child and he is smothered in kids.

We also talked about his mom a bit. I told him how I was sorry I wasn't there for the funeral or when she was sick at the end. I always loved her and appreciated the support she gave me when I was pregnant with K. (BTW, on a side note J's mom didnt know that J was K's father). I mentioned to J that I was sorry I never told her but I always thought she had an idea. J said he told her at the end and she came to terms with it all and never thought bad of me because of it. It made me love her even more. When she could have been so angry with me, she chose to love me more. His wife never liked his mom, and that makes me sad that she refused to appreciate her. I think she hated her because how much his mom loved me and thought we should have been together. His wife also hates me I think still, for being able to give him his first born child. 

Anyway...the conversation moved on to us again. I told him we cant be more than friends and he seemed to agree. He has always been my biggest weakness, but I love DH more than anything. DH doesn't know we talked or that he might come for a visit. I figure I will tell him IF the visit ever actually is going to happen.  

So I think that is about it for now. Sorry for the length. I just needed to get it all out and I cannot talk to DH about it. He hates J and doesn't want me to have anything to do with him. DH and I have only had 3 major blowup fights in the 8 yrs we have been together, and J was the reason for all of them. I understand his issues, but I will always have that connection with J. I love DH, and that is why I respect his wishes as much as I can.  

Re: Just need to say this...(VERY long, sorry!)

  • I can understand you having contact with him, especially since he is K's birthfather.  I could see him asking for updates about her. 

    It sounds, though, like he may be interested in more of a relationship, even though he says he agrees that you can't be more than friends. 

    I guess if it were me, I would be uncomfortable because your DH isn't happy about you having anything to do with him.  Maybe he thinks that J wants more than friendship, too?

    And if J really does come to town and wants to visit, how is that going to make your DH feel?  (I guess I feel like you should be able to see and visit with who you want to but at the same time, you'd want to consider your husband's feelings, too...)


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  • Just as an outsider looking in, (totally not knowing all of the details) my first reaction is to stop communication.  It seems like the relationship you have with him is a little strange.  I'm not sure if you need to stay in contact for some reason, but if not, I would stop.  It is not worth jeopardizing your relationship with DH!  


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  • I agree wholeheartedly with Art Teacher.

    You mentioned that he's your weakness but you love DH more than anything.  Focus on the last part of that statement... you have a wonderful life with DH and letting anything come between you isn't good for your marriage.  

    You've moved on.  It's okay. 

    Last piece of advice-  don't correspond with him at all w/o letting DH know.  While it might make DH mad, it's easier to deal with mad than the feeling of betrayal should he find out that you corresponded and kept him in the dark.

    Hugs to you...

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  • I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's okay to move on and live a happy fulfilled life. Be honest with your DH about the communication you have with J. I understand why you want to keep the communication open, I totally understand. If Kenzie's BF started talking/asking more about my personal life (he knows I'm married, but that's all, he's shared w/ me about his family & kids though) I would have a serious conversation with him about boundaries and what I'm comfortable with. He has moved on (obviously) and you can't live in the past.. hopefully your husband will be understanding about it. Feel free to email me if you ever want to slriss @ Comcast dot net
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  • As a BM, I understand what you mean about having a special tie to K's BF. Especially if his mom was so involved during that crazy time in your life, it makes sense that you would feel that bond. That being said, if Michael's BF was in town, I wouldn't see him unless it was to see Michael and his parents. I don't hang out with any other exes, and the only thing that ties me to BF is Michael; he should be the only reason I see him.

    Of course, that's my opinion. :) 

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  • Thanks ladies for letting me "talk" last night. Sorry I had to post and run, I had a LONG meeting with my Lions group. 

    I want to add, I always tell DH about the conversations I have with J. I haven't told him this one simply because I am still trying to wrap my head around everything that was said. And if we were to ever to meet again, I would of course tell DH beforehand and give him the choice to go with me.

    J was a weakness for me 10 years ago...not now. I am older, wiser, and less naive to his tricks and selfishness. I have my DH and E and I will not do anything to damage that. 

  • Glad to read your response :) 

    It sounds like you are processing everything..... you've got a good "head" about it.

    take care :)

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