Postpartum Depression

Husband wants to help, what do I tell him?

I am so stuck. I?ve got to stop feeling, most especially when my feelings spew all over my husband. I really don?t want that to happen but I am lost as to how to have spewing not happen. After a long and hard pregnancy that was considered high risk because I was declared diabetic at week 10, I had a baby girl who was cut out of me (via c-section) and only showed to me in medical transport case right before she was brought to a different hospital?s NICU. Those 3 days of recovery I thought were the longest days of my life, but then I spent the following two months in the NICU with her and I realized what longing to have a baby really was. Finally she came home to us in her ?medically fragile? state and I took her daily back to the hospitals and doctors we had left for the following two months. Now because we needed my salary (it?s twice as big as my husband?s) I needed to come back to work and I am having a lot of trouble with depression. Most especially on those days that my husband takes my daughter back to her now weekly doctor visits. I am finding not only am I resenting him for being there, I am hating myself for not being there. I have even come to the point, where I said it out loud. Yes, finally in my therapist?s office last night I got to say I regret marrying you. I guess I can say my husband took it well, as well as anyone could. My therapist tried to explain it was the post-partum depression talking, which did help some. Still my husband does not fully understand, and I doubt he fully will but he is now finally ? after 5 plus months - asking me how he can help and I am truly not sure what to say.

Any advice ladies?

Re: Husband wants to help, what do I tell him?

  • DH's need to feel helpful or they can get depressed and resentful as well. My DH now handles all the food prep in the house, he also does the laundry. I have my hands full with my special needs baby and my happy active toddler, so he supports me by helping around the house. If he takes LO to the Dr visit, he calls me right afterwards to tell me exactly what is going on. Once he even called during the visit to ask for my input.

    He may not fully understand what PPD is, because he doesnt have the wacked out hormones that we do, but he does at least understand something isnt going right or he wouldnt be in therapy with you.

    Another way he can help support you is with love. I know it sounds corny, but seriously, a good cuddle every day really helps. It will help you, it will help him and most importantly, it will help your relationship. Once your LO is asleep, you both need to get cozy on the couch or in bed and cuddle, with no sex plans. Cuddling releases a whole different set of "feel good" chemicals in the brain. I say no sex plans because you need the cuddle chemicals as well. Sex is GOOD, if things go there great! But lets start small with cuddles o.k?

    10 minutes or more of good relaxed cuddles every day is saving my marriage, my sanity and likely my life. Its a small thing to ask of him, but he wants to help, so there it is. Food, Laundry, cuddles, phone calls.

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  • I always told DH that the only thing he could do was to hug me and not give up on me.  Like most guys, he always wanted to figure out how to "fix" me and solve my problems.  It took awhile for him to understand that he couldn't "do" anything...that this wasn't something in his power to fix. 

    The thing I don't understand in your post is what you said about regretting marrying him.  Were you guys having problems before the baby?  Is there something in your marriage troubling you other than PPD?  The only reason I ask is that even with extreme PPD, my feelings for DH never changed...if anything, it was him who kept me from killing myself...I knew that DS1 would be fine b/c he didn't know me yet, but I knew that it would absolutely devastate DH if I did that and I loved him too much to put him throught that (if that makes any sense at all).

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  • I had typed up a really long response last night, and then got an error message from TB, and this is my first chance to re-respond.

     One of the things that has been hardest for me (and that I have been working on in counseling) is figuring out your exact question. What can DH do? I don't have a clue what I need, which is in part probably a reason for the depression, so it is such a vicious cycle. One major thing you should figure out with your therapist is what you think you need to make things better. In all reality, he can't help if you don't know what he needs to do. But, like PP said, DHs love to "fix", so maybe start with a few tangible things he can do. Would you like him to do more things around the house, things with LO, etc? 

    Perhaps you can find a plan that works better for you with respect to the doctor visits. Can you be on the phone while they are at the doctor?  It must be very difficult not being there, and if it could help you feel better, maybe try to find a way to go every so often?

    Also, unlike PP, I do completely know what you mean about the whole regretting marrying your DH.  I got to that point too.  For awhile, I clung to him during my depression because I was so completely sad that I could barely function.  But as I started to get into a routine with DD, I came to absolutely loathe him for no reason. I cannot explain why, but I truly thought about leaving him. I would literally dream about taking DD and going away to live with my parents, because for some reason, I then became clung to my mom. I think your therapist was right, it really is the PPD talking, not you.  There are still days when I feel like I hate DH, but I try very hard to tell myself I do not mean it, and eventually, it passes. 

     The main thing your DH needs to do for you, ultimately, is just to be there. And if you push him away, make sure he knows that you do want him there, you are just having a rough time of it.  Support means everything. And now that it sounds like your DH is getting on the same page, things will look up. I am really glad you have the support of a therapist and DH. It will really help things. I'll be sending good thoughts your way- hang in there :)

     

  • Thank you all for your advice. I appreciate your words of wisdom, it's nice to be reminded that I am not the only one going thru this.

    In regards to my regretting marrying my husband, I think I've gotten to that place because our baby is a "honeymoon" baby and since we did not live togetheer until we were married we never really got to learn about each other when I wasn't pregnant.

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