Reactions to the news of starting adoption

Seasiderunner · February 2012

Hi all,

I had an experience over dinner with a friend that I found interesting and slightly unsettling.

Somehow we got to talking about marriage and children and I said that I was interested in starting the often-lengthy process of adoption in the not-too-distant future. She reacted fairly negatively to the idea as I am not married. I have in no way fully rejected the idea of getting married and date a healthy amount. But, at this point- despite being in my mid twenties, I really am significantly more interested in child raising than husband finding.

She herself is a single parent due to a messy divorce and I wonder if she was projecting a great deal of her own concerns on to me, while also mentioning a few valid ones (single income, no relief in the house, etc.). These are all important issues that I have thought through and will continue to meaningfully consider. However, I found it interesting that she felt so strongly, considering that many families wind up single-parent ones in the end.

Did anyone else on here decide to adopt solo? How did the news of your desire to adopt fall on the ears of friends and family?

buggerfly12 · February 2012

I don't have experience with this but I can definitely see myself adopting alone if it weren't for having met my spouse so young. So no real advice from me, except that only you can really know what's right for you and your family. If you have a solid support system and people who are going to be on your side this doesn't have to be an issue. When my DH is deployed I do hate it, but it's because I want him around, not because parenting is impossible without two parents. There are concerns you will have to address, but it seems like you already realize that. And this may or may not help, but just about anyone starting adoption is going to hear some less-than-positive feedback from someone. I hope your friend can understand that you have thought it through and that you're doing what you feel is best, but she may just be in a situation that makes it hard for her to accept a single parent by choice. I'm kind of rambling but HTH and GL. Be sure to have at least some friends who support you fully, even if they wouldn't choose the same path as you!

julandjo · February 2012

She's speaking to you from experience and out of concern for you and the child. I know you say you've thought through these issues, but because you have not parented before, you truly cannot understand the magnitude of this choice (to be a single parent). Thought does not equal experience. Everyone has ideas about what parenthood is like. And then when they become parents they look back and laugh at their naivete. Trust.

I am married and my husband and I share parenting duties equally. And still, it's a full-time, often draining job. When my husband is travelling for work it's very stressful for me because kids need SO MUCH from parents. When there's only one of us, inevitably some of their needs go unmet. Not the basic needs like food, bathing, love, etc., but the enriching things like an extra story, wrestling, a walk to the park, etc. Because I still have to cook dinner, do laundry, pack lunches, which eats up our free time. With two parents that work is divided and the kids get more of you and less "not yet honey, I have to finish this". I assume you'd have to work full time (DH and I do too). Once you get home in the evening you only have 2 or 3 hours before the child goes to bed. Envision how you want your child's 2 or 3 hours with you to be - and envision how differently that would look with a father in the picture too.

I urge you to wait. You're very young. If you go forward with adoption now, you will not have time to date if/when you change your mind about a husband.

inlovewithB · February 2012

I do understand some of what you are feeling. Before I met DH I was seriously considering becoming a foster parent to a school age child. My desire to Mother was all consuming.

Now that I am a Mother (from my DD's date of birth) I realize how much more work is involved than I ever could have imagined. I do think I could have managed to provide emotionally and financially for an older child on my own (I may change my tune when DD is older), but there is no way I could have kept my sanity while caring for a newborn alone from day one. The lack of sleep alone will break even the strongest person down. If it hadn't been for getting to sleep while MH cared for DD before and after his work day I would have totally lost it and ended up hurting myself or baby girl due to fatigue.

We are some of the luck ones! Our baby is a dream, she is calm, happy, and only cries when she is hungry. I can't imagine how much more work it would be to have a baby who is fussy, sick, or dealing with drug withdraws.

Jenn is Silly · February 2012

Raising a baby is hard. But so is life, and if it's something you've thought out and are prepared for (as much as you can be) I would hope those in your life would respect and understand that.

I have a friend who adopted as a single mom and now that she's married will tell you it was easier when it was just her and her daughter. We get accustomed to parenting/living in our environment and sometimes imagining another environment is tough- but if it's what you want and you can support a child financially/emotionally best of luck to you, and I hope your friend gets on board

Seasiderunner · February 2012

Thanks so much for all of your responses.

I agree that the sheer difficulty of time management, sleep deficiet and financial resources are significant in a situation where there is only one parent. I'm sure I still have plenty more research to do.

I do know that I am absolutely not planning to go into infant adoption. As precious as babies are, I know that I would want a more flexible schedule if I had an infant.

I am primarily interested in older child adoption in the four to nine year old range without significant special needs (although of course all children coming from a foster situation will have substantial needs). I'm blessed to have a large connection of extended family in the area, so I am not especially concerned about that.

While I do feel that It'd be nice to parent in a situation where I had more time with the kid(s), I think it is just a reality that after school care and only a few hours together in the week-day evenings may be a way of life. I'm hoping that despite not being able to be a stay at home parent or a member of a parenting team, I'll still be able to offer a more stable and long term situation than foster care may provide.

Thanks again for the reactions and thoughts. I agree, all great things to fully consider.

silliestbunny · February 2012

This may be way out of line... but are you very old? Over 40?

There are so many disadvantages to chosing to be a one parent family. I am guessing I'd be drawn to it too if I were single and growing older. But if I had time, I think I'd wait it out or see if I couldn't change my circumstances (be able to work part time initially).

Not meant to offend.. just food for thought.

jillianmb · February 2012

The way I look at it: these children have no parents or a mom who loves them. From that perspective, I can't reactive negatively to a single adoptive mother. Adoption is always more about the child(ren) than the parent(s) anyway. Don't let her get you down!

hereonceagain · February 2012

Many of my friends and family rejected our idea of adopting. (I am married). Once our child was here, everyone had a complete 100% change of heart when they saw my babies face.

My take on being single and adopting: They say 50% of couples divorce anyway, and I think a broken family is a LOT more difficult on a child than a single parent, by far.

Reactions to the news of starting adoption

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