Spiraling (long)

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · February 2012

I feel like I'm spiraling lately and can't seem to get it to stop. Vacation was wonderful. It was absolutely perfect and just what my husband and I needed. We had to deal with what would have been his 3 month birthday while on vacation. It was difficult and I lost it at one point but the ocean waves crashing on the beach helped to calm me. We returned last Tuesday. While we were gone, our pediatrician called with the information she's received from the pulminologist and geneticist. I haven't been able to call her back yet. The cemetery also called to let us know the inscription was done on Corbin's crypt. We went Friday after my husband got home from work to see it. It's so nice that it's actually done instead of a label maker sticker on a marble slab but it also makes it more final and real. I always cry when I got to visit Corbin at the cemetery but never this hard. I had tears streaming down my face. Friday was also 2 months since we'd lost him.

Ever since Saturday I keep waking up in a dark, bad place. I just miss him so much. To make matters worse, my cousin posted on FB last night that her daughter was now 6 weeks old. All I could think was "she's 6 days older than Corbin was" and it made me angry. Why does she get to have her baby and I don't?

We were invited to a kid-friendly Super Bowl party on Sunday. We didn't go because I just couldn't handle being around it all. I realized this weekend - of all the people we hang out with on a regular basis, we're the only ones who don't have a child now. I used to be completely ok with it and now it kills me.

I went to the grocery store on Sunday to get some food for the game. I about had a nervous breakdown right in the middle of the store. It was really crowded and for some reason I don't deal well with large crowds anymore. Then I went to check out and the store I go to gives you coupons for stuff you buy frequently. One of the coupons that came out was for baby lotion (we'd been stocking up on stuff before he got here). I asked the cashier to throw it away for me and she innocently asked "oh, does your baby not need lotion?" I honestly don't remember the drive home.

Sorry for the length and sorry that there's really no point to this I guess. I just feel like I'm spiraling out of control with no end in sight.

Mjmksb04 · February 2012

Its totally normal to go through phases like that where you feel like you can't go on and you don't know how you will make it. You are not far out at all from losing your baby, so it is completely understandable that you are in a dark place right now. I hope you and your H are able to support each other during this time Left Hug

You won't ever feel completely normal again, and the sadness won't ever totally lift, but you won't always feel as miserable as you are right now, I promise.

LuckEinLuv · February 2012

I am so sorry. That is way too much for the world to throw at you all at once. Did you tell the cashier the truth? I know it is wrong, but I love making people feel uncomfortable lately. {{HuGS}}. You know we are always here.

fluttergirlmoonchild79 · February 2012

I did actually tell the cashier. Much like I did the woman who did my pedicure before vacation. When I was pg, my husband had bought me a spa package for 3 massages and 2 pedicures. I never got around to using my last massage or pedicure. I figured since I was going on vacation and to somewhere warm where I'd be wearing flip-flops it was a great time to use the pedicure. The woman doing pedicures that day was the same one I had last time I went. I hoped she wouldn't remember me but she did. She mentioned how the last time I was there I was pg and asked me what we had. I told her. Then she asked how old the baby was now. I tried to giver her a hint and said he was "forever 5 weeks and a day." She didn't get the hint. I finally just told her what happened. Then she said she would stop talking about it and then didn't. She was actually very sweet about it other than saying she knew how I felt because she miscarried at 5 weeks once (sorry, not to minimize any loss but it's not the same) and then told me we'd have plenty of healthy children some day.

What's funny is my husband and I talked about it on vacation since the question of "do you have any kids" came up a few times as it naturally does when you first meet people. At first we had said we didn't want to ruin people's days when they ask an innocent question but we've since decided that we're going to tell people. We do have a son. He may not be on this earth but he's still our son and we feel we have to recognize that.

johnnys june · February 2012

Unfortunately, this normal. Almost every detail of your feelings -- the grocery store, the kid friend party, ect. -- I could have wrote myself...and probably have at some point. This will pass, and probably come back. It comes and waves. But it does get "better." The days get farther apart. *hugs* I'm sorry you're having such a hard time, Lovey! Lean on us all you need. And cry as often as you need.

eroplane · February 2012

I'm sorry you are hurting. I at first didn't bring up William & Summer so as not to be Debbie downer all the time. Now I want to tell everyone. If someone asks, I tell them and cry. They probably feel awkward/bad but I don't care how they feel. I like to talk about my kids. I'm glad u told the pedicure lady and cashier. I agree too about the miscarriage comments (not to lessen anyone's grief). My husband heard from all his buddies how their wives miscarried and it's normal!! I want to scream that I didn't miscarry and it's not normal to deliver your children early and then have them fight for life in NICU only to not make it!! It's not normal to plan your child's funeral!! I am thinking about making a brag book of pictured to keep in my purse so I can show my babies off more. I hope you feel better. Hugs.

[Deleted User] · February 2012

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Petunia844 · February 2012

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time. Big hugs.

weddedwife · February 2012

Some days are so overwhelming. And when there's a bunch of them in a row it's so hard. I find that the more I am out in public the harder it is, so I try to only do a little bit at a time.

Maybe there's someone on this board you could meet up with? Maybe you could meet another angel mom thru a support group? I met an angel mom thru this board, who also has an older child about my DD's age. It's nice to get together w/ her bc I feel like we're "in the same place". Even if it's just to b*tch about all the other pg moms, lol. It's just so much easier than hanging out w/ my other friends bc she "gets it", KWIM?

Big hugs to you today!! You will have better days, I promise.

Also, coming home from vacation SUCKS. It's like reality hits all over again.

foxxy1 · February 2012

I know how it feels. Sometimes I feel it's me against the world and sometimes I feel the world is out to get me.

*hugs* We're all here for you.

Carolee · February 2012

foxxy1:

I know how it feels. Sometimes I feel it's me against the world and sometimes I feel the world is out to get me.

*hugs* We're all here for you.

Exactly this. I'm sorry you're having a hard time. Lots of (((HUGS)))

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