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November 2011 Moms
Thoughts on a situation my sis is going through...
OMG, How I wish this crap was MUD.
My SIL and my sister really have no luck and both of them have had a rough couple of years.
With that being said, my sister has my nephew. My sister is a single mom. My nephew has been recently classified as emotionally disturbed. There's definitely something wrong with him and my sister has spent the last year fighting to get him the help he needs and deserves. (IE, he got expelled from kindergarten after 2 weeks, he's been kicked out of several different day cares for violent behaviour). One positive thing is that he is going to a new school that is designed especially for children who are emotionally disturbed or have other cognitive disabilities and it will be a great fit for him.
When it comes to my nephew, i have a huge soft spot for him. He is a very kind child, gentle when it comes to my son, affectionate, generous and very loving. With him being emotionally disturbed, it almost is like hitting a light switch. He'll go from my nephew to this little terror and then back to my nephew. And it's almost like he doesn't remember.
So here's the issue. Every other weekend, he goes to his father's. The dad is..."speshul." Like, emotionally abusive type of special. Cheated on my sister, kicked her out of their home when my nephew was two, married the woman he cheated on, takes my sister to court at least 5 times a year, stating my sister is neglecting my nephew, called child protective services on my sister lying and saying that she was keeping him out of school and refusing to give him his medication, etc. At one point, the father went behidn my sister's back to my nephew's psychiatrist, got my nephew's medication and would not give it to my sister. (And since the medication he is on is a particular type, it cannot be refilled for a certain amount of time). My sister had to call the cops and have them go get th emedication. The guy works at the same place my sister works at and he harasses her all throughout the day via text, e-mail, and in person after work. Finally, my sister caled human resources on him, and he now has been fired from the job.
The guy is a weirdo. My sister was engaged to him (while he was still married). He now has 6 kids, and a 7th on the way....Out of the 7 kids he has, two of them are with his current baby mama. The rest are all from different women.
His current baby mama is just as crazy as he is. She calls up the schools and my nephew's doctors, claiming to be my sister, called my sister's lawyer to try and get information on the case, calls my sister at work and yells at her, has mailed things to the place my sister works at, making outrages claims.
When you mention "Daddy's House" my nephew freaks out and starts to scream, rock back and forth, and is inconsolable. He was going to go to the dad's house when we were coming back from a vacation and for 2.5 hours, he screamed in the car as we drove and sobbed. Hysterically. Like it broke my heart so much.
He talks about "icky juice" that he gets while he's there, that he doesn't get to play with toys, that he doesn't like going. This has been pretty consistent up until the last few weeks, after my sister and him went back to court together. (My sister had a positive outcome from that court appearance).
My sister has residential custody and d-bag gets him every other weekend.
He was very weird last night. Every time he comes back from his father's he is off the wall. Hitting, screaming, biting, yelling, etc. Now yes, he does do those things normally, but it is insane after he comes back from his father's.
He was in the other room watching Scooby Doo and I went in to give my little sweetheart a hug and some attention and let him hold Danny. I asked him how was daddy's to make conversation and he goes "why do you keep asking me that? It's none of your business". In comparison to his normal "it was boring." or "it was ok. I did nothing". My husband came in and asked what they did this weekend (not knowing that I had asked abotu daddy's) and he goes "God, stop asking me!" Last week, he was walking around the house saying very robotically, "I love daddy, I love daddy"...And he doesn't ever seem happy to go to his father's.
Then the tantrums started. He kept yelling at my sister, telling her that he hates her, wants her to die so he could live at his father's. This is the weird thing. He's never, ever said those things to my sister before.
I have a weird feeling about what's going on while he's at his dad's. Between the icky juice comments, how he returns, and the things he's saying now...I don't know. Something doesn't add up. How does he go from fearing going to his father's house to all of a sudden 'loving' it?
Thoughts? My sister is immensely upset over last night as am I. I know my nephew is emotionally disturbed, but somethig just does not add up.
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Re: Thoughts on a situation my sis is going through...
That's tough to deal with. I have worked with children like this before and it is sad because you can't snap them out of it once they turn violent/angry.
It sounds to me like the father is brainwashing the child in a way. I would document every episode like that and gather all the documentation of the harassment and what not and fight for full custody/supervised visits only. Does your nephew talk to a counselor of any type? Maybe that would help and she could find out what is really going on a daddy's house.
Wow, she must be having a really tough time. My younger brother has some emotion/behavioral problems and a lot of the things you talked about remind me of him. My parents were divorced when we were younger and he would flip flop back and forth between hating my dad and loving my mom and then minutes later would hate my mom and love my dad. My brother's temperament can change so quick it's like the flip of a switch.
"When it comes to my nephew, i have a huge soft spot for him. He is a very kind child, gentle when it comes to my son, affectionate, generous and very loving. With him being emotionally disturbed, it almost is like hitting a light switch. He'll go from my nephew to this little terror and then back to my nephew. And it's almost like he doesn't remember. "
What you said here is almost the exact description of my brother. I know you said he was classified as emotionally disturbed, but did the diagnosis go further than that? If you don't mind me asking.
Can your sister have a civil conversation with his father? It definitely sounds like something is going on. The "icky juice" and him saying he's not allowed to play with toys makes it sound like there is something strange going on.
Ugh Spork, I'm sorry. This sounds like a nasty situation. Your sister has a few different options.
1. Call CPS. I'm really concerned about the "icky juice" comments. This may be nothing, but it could be something pretty serious. Is your nephew old enough/cognitive enought to give you additional details on what this "icky juice" may be? I can't tell you how many cases I've worked of parents/caretakers giving kids cough syrup to make them drowsy/sleep.
Is your nephew in counseling? I know you said he has a psychiatrist, but often they just prescribe the meds and don't actually work with the issues. Your sister needs to go through his counseling records/talk to his counselor. Is your nephew doing/saying the same things while in therapy? If he is emotionally disturbed and making the comments/exhibiting the behaviors you have mentioned, other people should be noticing as well.
Talk to the school. If he is talking about these things at home, he is probably also talking about these things at school. Best case scenario they will be able to give your sister additional information on comments your nephew has made, at the very least you are making them aware of the issue.
Taking your nephews age into consideation (he sounds really young) I would be slightly concerned about his behaviors after the visit. However, emotionally disturbed children need a lot of structure in their lives. Every time he has a visit with his father, his schedule is being throw off. As an adult I get upset when my life is altered, I'm sure it's very hard for someone his age. He is adjusting to new rule, new authority figures, new stimuli, etc. This can be exhausting! In addition to him being emotionally disturbed and rather young, his parents are no longer together. This in itself would be hard for any child to deal with.
Your sister needs to document, document, document. I cannot stress this enough. Every time he or his new wife is calling write down what was said, how long the call was, what number they called from, etc. Write down your nephews vists and comments he has made following his visits with his father.
2. Your sister needs to contact her lawyer. They are an advocate for her and should be aware of the situation. Does your nephew have his own lawyer? They too need to be included in the loop. Be persistent! If your sister ever notified the police of the harrasing behaviors, the lawyers should be made aware. Keep notifying the police of any harrasing behavior. As soon as their pattern of harrasment is on record, your sister will have probable cause to either file for sole custody and/or a restraining order for her and your nephew against his father and baby mama.
We have a child advocacy center in our area, called Child's Voice. They can do independent interviews of children to determine if abuse/neglect is going on, make referrals to additional services and are advocates for children and only children. They are recognized in court room settings if ever a witness was needed to attest to abuse/neglect going on. I'm sure, being from your area, there are numerous centers like we have. I would look into it.
Finally, your sister (or anyone else) can always call the local PD and request a welfare check to be conducted at the home when your nephew is there. The PD are able to go to the residence, check your nephew out, talk with the couple, etc If anything fishy is going on, they notify CPS right away.
Again, I'm sorry you guys are dealing wtih this. I feel bad for your nephew, I can't imagine what the little guy must be dealing with. I hope you guys are able to have resolution to this whole mess. PM me if you would like additional info. I know there are a few other SWs on the board (Vieve, KBBH...a few others) that will probably have additional advice for you. Good luck to you guys.
I apologize for how long it took me to reply to my own post...We spent most of the day on the phone, my sister and I.
His Emotionally Disturbed label is...that's as far as I know about it. I'm not exactly sure if there's more to it. My little sweetie was hospitalized not long after my son was born, because he said he heard voices.
I told her to start documenting. She has been. She called the lawyer this afternoon who thinks my sister should take the D-Bag back to court. She is afraid to call CPS on this guy. She's afraid D-Bag Daddy will hurt him when it's his weekend, or will not give him back.
The new school he'll be going to does include daily therapy. It's a really good school for him. Over the summer, they have field trips, that are educatoinal (like museums, parks, zoos), recreational, and learning life skills (such as how to act in a restraunt, things like that).
I do not know what he's capable of, this guy. He's definitely a weirdo, and is not a good influence in my nephew's life.
I truly am debating calling CPS myself. Because I do not want my nephew to get any further emotional abuse.