MIL Rant long

FlickaSings · February 2012

I'm putting this out here so that it won't be so pent up when my BF gets home, as I do get concerned when I rant about his mom for long periods of time.

Some back story:

So my BF's mom is a hoarder among other things. She has 4+ storage places filled to the brim with her stuff. She is living on the back child support of her ex-husband and is staying with my BF's sister. For reasons unknown to me, she doesn't have or can't keep a job. All fine and dandy, however. After my BF inherited a good deal of money from his grand father, she ended up borrowing over $5k of it on top of her inheritance. She's never repaid him, although every time she asks to borrow more money, she swears she'll pay him back in 2 weeks. My BF used the money he didn't give to his mom for college, even though he still had to get loans and grants to help him further. This is all well before I met my BF.

The reason I'm b**ching:

She always asks him for money! She asks him to cover a rent for one month, or asks him to cover storage costs because she's behind. All with the promise that she'll pay him back. She never does. She uses all sorts of tactics that drive me nuts. She'll sit there and ask in about a dozen different ways after he says 'no' the first time. She's even presented him with the idea that he get a credit card and just charge her bill for her. OMG! She also is relentless. She doesn't take no for an answer, she's like a 4 year old asking for candy only worse! If you tell her you don't think that you can spare the money at the time, she swears she'll pay you back and asks, "well maybe if I can just get a little bit..... " The thing that gets me the most is, my BF can keep telling her no, over and over and she doesn't hear it. I'm convinced that she's certain she'll break him down eventually. Why else would she bother him so wholeheartedly about it? She also uses manipulation to get her way. For the storage, " Well, they are going to sell it off if I don't pay it AND it is your grandmother's stuff too, you could help out." Guilt trip much? I don't buy into it. My BF and his brother and sister have tried to convince her to sell the stuff and get some money from it, but on top of the fact that she wouldn't part with ANY of it, she spends so much time just sorting through it nothing ever gets done. (Case and point, she has boxes full of newspapers. Just newspapers... swearing that she keeps important papers among them so people won't find them.) His mom gave him a microwave when we moved. We spent 2+ days just cleaning out the storage space to find the damn thing and then she wanted to give us other crap.. granted we got a box of cleaners out of it but it took 2+ days!

I'm not against helping family, please don't misinterpret me. If she hadn't made a habit of asking for money monthly and we actually could spare it. I wouldn't have a problem helping her out, but as a case and point, those storage places don't throw out your stuff if you're a month late.. they do so only if you're always late or unpaid. My point is she's not functioning financially on her own. We CAN'T support her and she's taken a liking to asking, one of her only children that made the attempt to break the horrible cycle and get out of the hole, to jump back inside it with her. Honestly, I don't know how my BF has the patients to deal with her.

She just called him AT WORK asking for rent money again. That's what caused this long rant.

boymomstrong · February 2012

I am so sorry this is so hard for you both, but there will come a time when he will just need to stop answering her call and requests. i know its hard with her being his mom and all, and I am sure he has some great memories of her, but this your life too, and your future together, and when/if you get married it will REALLY be your money too, and then it may be a bigger problem...

My heart goes out to you both, and I would be just as upset... Some day the foot will go down, and the train will stop!

Also if his mom has some of grandmas stuff in her unit, I would clean out grma's stuff put it in a unit and pay for that NOT her stuff as well. And if the STUFF is not important enough to her for her to work to pay for it, then she will lose it all...

Good Luck...

noycela · February 2012

wow - how frustrating! Sounds like your BF is good about sticking to his guns and telling her "no" though. As long as he's not giving in and giving her money, I think you should try and keep the perspective that this is his problem and try not to stress yourself (and your baby) out about it. Sorry you're going through that!

PhillyGal34 · February 2012

my friend's BF's mom is like this.... only she tried to get on to one of his credit cards and I warned her that it would destroy his credit and he would be completely liable for it... the mom said "she is liable for her half no matter what the credit card company says"... BS!

This is a really tough situation but BF needs to sit down with her and say that you have a child on the way and that you have no extra money. He is sorry he can't help her out. maybe she should apply for some kind of assistance. I am not one that thinks everyone should look for handouts but it sounds like she has some "issues" that make her unemployable or not desirable or even mentally stable in some senses... don't mean to sound rude or harsh but it sounds like she needs help. Help you can't offer her.

I'd also remind her that if her mother's stuff was that important to her it wouldn't be in a storage unit where no one can see it.

Heartcease · February 2012

He needs to put his foot down. NOW. And not give in. It does stop eventually, yes, he'll get guilt trips, but unless he makes a stand, it will never stop. You two are about to have a baby to take care of. You can't take care of someone that won't take care of themselves. If she loses the storage units and his grandmother's things, it would be sad, but if it's been in there that long, it's not doing anyone any good! She has no reason to do anything any differently if someone always bails her out.

nopegoat · February 2012

My MIL is very manipulative as well so I totally get where you are coming from. Honestly the best thing you and your BF can do is to not give in to her. Stop helping her financially and if she does lose the stuff its her fault not yours. She keeps coming to you because she knows you guys will give in. I promise the more you do the harder it will be in the long run and the eventually she will branch out and start trying to use her power to control other things.

You don't have to be mean about it. Just honestly tell her you don't have the extra money and don't give in! My DF has really started to stand up to his mom and things have gotten a lot better.

Peanut05 · February 2012

He needs to tell her that he has a family to take care of, and can't afford to support her too. You and baby come first, end of story. I'm sure it's not easy...GL!!

cranberrycove06 · February 2012

That is a really tough spot to be in.

Maybe you can talk to your BF about helping her come up with a budget. Maybe showing her where she needs to cut back, and what income she has could help her. If you're not into that, maybe you can talk to social services about getting her set up with some budgeting classes or a payee.

It sounds to me like she has some underlying problems that she needs to deal with before she can be a fully functioning adult. It seems like you BF realizes this (which is a big plus) and is good about saying no to her.

Are there other siblings that can sit down with your bf's mom and talk some sense into her too. Maybe, you could all have a unit clean out day and get anything that is truly valuable out of there and consolidate and trash what isn't. That would cut down on the amount of units she actually has.

Good luck.

theseaword · February 2012

Like most of these situations, this is a BF problem, not a MIL problem. If he doesn't want to lend her money, he needs to stick to his guns and be consistent. If she tries to bring up money he should tell her this is not up for discussion and hangup/leave. That being said, she's not really your MIL right now, and it's not your money since you're not married. That's not a bad thing, but it does mean you don't really get a say in how he spends his own money or handles his mother. He probably knows how you feel and it's up to him to make his decisions. If you're unhappy now, you don't have to stick around to see if it gets worse. If you do stay, definitely don't pool your money or get married until this is sorted out.

stylistgypsy · February 2012

I think we share the same MIL.

After years of paying her bills, about 2 years ago my husband called her to come over for dinner. After dinner he sat her down and said in no-uncertain terms that he would not listen or have anymore conversations with her about money. He told her that she chooses her situation by having unnessary bills (storage units, buying more *** to hoard etc) and not getting a job , so he is unable to help her since he can not feed into her bad habits.

Every time she would call and ask after this , he would cut her off mid -sentence and say " We already discussed my boundaries regarding money with you. This conversation is over"

She still try's .. but not nearly as often.

tiffapotomus · February 2012

*Lurking*

Here's a way to approach it (though I am fairly blunt with family). Next time she calls asking for money tell her, "I am sorry but we barely have enough to pay our own bills and we have a child on the way that will depend on us to provide for HIM?HER. If you need money you are going to have to ask someone else or find a way to make some spare cash on the side. We just can't support a child and a parent at this point in our lives."

Yes, she will be offended but it will 100% get your point across. If she asks again tell her "Sorry, we still have a child to support." and leave it at that.

ErinR2012 · February 2012

I agree with all PP's but wanted to add that if he ever does give her money (which it sounds like he might from time to time, even if its not every time), he needs to get it in writing from now on: the amount loaned, the date loaned, and the plan for repayment and both signatures (and document any repayment this way as well). This will make her legally responsible for paying him back (and might deter her from asking for money again - since it won't be so easy). If she balks at the idea of doing it that way, he needs to tell her that with a child on the way he needs to protect himself financially, and that's the only way he's willing to loan her money from now on. Good luck!!

FlickaSings · February 2012

TwilightMV:
Like most of these situations, this is a BF problem, not a MIL problem. If he doesn't want to lend her money, he needs to stick to his guns and be consistent. If she tries to bring up money he should tell her this is not up for discussion and hangup/leave. That being said, she's not really your MIL right now, and it's not your money since you're not married. That's not a bad thing, but it does mean you don't really get a say in how he spends his own money or handles his mother. He probably knows how you feel and it's up to him to make his decisions. If you're unhappy now, you don't have to stick around to see if it gets worse. If you do stay, definitely don't pool your money or get married until this is sorted out.

Yeah she's not actually my MIL since he's only my boyfriend, I would never walk away from him because of his mother. I had to cut my rant off short actually because I had to pick him up, but if I'd had more time to explain, I would have that my BF is very good at continuing to tell her no despite her efforts. I just get frustrated at her and my temper blows with her while it takes him much much longer. I love my BF very much and his crazy mom could never drive me away. Also, we already share a bank account so I have some say. I don't feel the need to force the situation like that though at least not with him. He wouldn't give her money without speaking to me. She also likes to corner him when I'm not around to insure I don't have a say. We stayed with them one night and she was asking for our bank account number "in case she ever needed to send us money." I about lost my head there.. telling her over and over that if that situation would arise, there are other ways to get money quickly from one person to another even at a long distance.

She really isn't some horrible person, and if you were to meet her on the street she'd be nice and sweet. It's just when it comes to bailing her out, she sees no one but herself. She doesn't think about our baby on the way, or the fact that my BF and I are trying to make ends meet on our side too. She always asks him because her other son has stopped talking to her and her daughter lives with her and is unable to lend any money.

Anyway, just wanted to clear that up. I'm very happy with my BF and as long as she's not asking for money I get along with her. It's only when she does ask for money that I want to shake her violently. haha

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