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mcatmay
member
French parenting as superior?
mcatmay
member
I HAD to read this article because I'm french (moved to the states when i was 7 years old) and my mother is always telling me to leave DD alone and relax about always entertaining her. Here's the link:
I have no idea if French parenting is superior or not but I do know that my nephew CANNOT play by himself at 6 years of age, which drives me up the walls when he comes visit because he HAS to be entertained continuously by an adult. So, what do you all think? I'm guilty as charged of always responding to DD's needs immediately while DH is a little more 'laissez-faire'. She's still little, i know, so it may be a moot point for now but I do really want to try to raise an independent child.
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Re: French parenting as superior?
Do French people have less breakables in their houses?
But seriously, this is really interesting. I'm not usually in to the "French/Japanese/Chinese/Martians do X better than you" genre of books, but I'm going to keep my eye out for this because it describes the type of parent-child relationship that I think I would like to have, ideally. Maybe that's because we're in the depths of some serious terrible twos and anything seems better than this . . .
I thought this was extremely interesting:
"Of course, the French have all kinds of public services that help to make having kids more appealing and less stressful. Parents don't have to pay for preschool, worry about health insurance or save for college. Many get monthly cash allotments?wired directly into their bank accounts?just for having kids."
I think that would help my parenting immensely!
But, seriously: I agree delayed gratification is a good goal with parenting. While I wouldn't want to teach that in the early months, it's definitely something we're trying to work on with J. Although I can bet he would have eaten that marshmallow in about two seconds.
TTC #2: BFP 12/17/11, m/c 1/7/12 and D&C 1/12/12
baby blog/cooking blog
That was an interesting article. I think it may provide a simplified view of raising toddlers but I think it makes some good points. I know that for me, I need to encourage DD to be more self-sufficient with her play. However, I have trouble finding the balance. Sometimes I'll be cooking dinner and she comes up to me with her puppy-dog eyes and says "Mommy, will you play with me?" A lot of times I have to say no because I'm cooking. However, then I start to worry that I'm saying no too often and that I don't give her enough of my attention. I find that it's hard to find a balance. On one hand, I want her to be independent but on the other hand, I realize that she's two and a half and that it's normal to want some involvement with your parent at that age.
I was happy to read a few parts of this article because sometimes I feel like I'm too tough on DD. I was asking myself this weekend whether my expectations of her are too high. I discipline her a bit more than DH and she definitely gets more time-outs with me. But after reading this, I think some of my techniques are in line with what they were saying the French do so that made me feel a bit better.
Good point . . . I believe the French get much more (paid!) time off when their kids are young, and more leave/time off with family in general. That could definitely contribute. I know I always feel like the time I have with J is so precious, it's hard to be super strict and not give him whatever he wants.
TTC #2: BFP 12/17/11, m/c 1/7/12 and D&C 1/12/12
baby blog/cooking blog
Yes, very good point. I know that for me, weeknights are hard. As soon as we get home, I'm rushing to get dinner on the table and DD is constantly trailing me in the kitchen while I'm trying to cook. It's not that she's not independent but I think it's normal for a kid to want their parent's attention after being at DC all day.
I've recently tried a new thing where I try to find 5 minutes to just sit with her in the living room. We call it snuggle time and I put her on my lap and we just snuggle. I think this has been helping her not be so clingy and whiny in the evenings after she gets that bit of time with me.
Very interesting, and I'mtrying to process the whole thing. As much as I want DD to be a little more self-sufficient, I wonder if the difference goes to the core of our societies? I mean, I tend to think of the French as more aloof, while Americans are more openly warm and friendly. (Not that the French aren't nice...I don't know any personally, so I'm working on a stereotype from books and films.) While societal norms may drive parenting style, causing French parents to be more interested in instilling a sense of self-control and delayed gratification in their kids, would it cause us to have kids that are a little more restrained/reserved in general? Some restraint is good...but how restrained do you want your kid to be?
Not judging here - I'm trying to figure out what I think about the article still, and how much I think pushing for that restraint now to get some peace from my toddler could change the relationship we may have later on.
This. Also, I get the working mom guilt (because I am one), but honestly, I'd rather practice this type of parenting because then the majority of your interactions are pleasant instead of spending what little time you have in a battle of wills.
My issue is that DH falls right into the current American-style of parenting. He always gives the kids what they want, when they want it; one) because his mom did (and still does) that for him and two) because he has a horrible time with delayed gratification. He is incredibly impulsive and wants what he wants now.
Interesting read, thanks!
I totally, totally agree about all the points made relating to 'mommy guilt' and the fact that we have a lot less time with our children. I can tell you that this is factually completely correct. We work so much harder in America than in France and 'quality of life' (vacations, time with family, lunches, heck, any ritual surrounding food!!!) is a much higher priority in France. I wake up in the middle of the night when DD cries BECAUSE i feel guilty all the time that i'm not with her and because i miss her and just want to hold her for a minute - what it's resulted in is more wake-ups and a mom that is absolutely beyond exhausted. Not good for anyone.
I don't think there's one 'right' parenting style - you've got to do what works for your family and what allows you to sleep at night (or not, as the case may be ;-) I am, however, going to strive to strike a balance - God only knows if i'll succeed ;-)
I am really trying to make sure DD is independent - and she is in the midst of a terrible tantrum phase right now. Ugh.
Ha ha--that's what I was thinking. I think the style in the article is more in line with the way my parents were. I find myself struggling with the balance between independence and playing along all the time. Really interesting article--thank you for sharing.
I have to actually work today (ugh! how inconvenient) so I will read the entire article later, but soe far my first thought is: My kids don't snack, they eat three meals a day - and they're still hard to sit with at restaurants. I don't know what magic gets three kids ages 5, 3 and 1 to "sit contentedly in their highchairs" at restaurants, but I can tell you, I don't think it has to do with not letting them snack.
Also, with three kids, we don't have the option to "helicopter" parent. I mean it's just physically and mentally impossible, so maybe I am French by default.
Will delve into the rest when I do some Nesting tonight.
DH actually forwarded this to me this morning and he NEVER emails me parenting articles. But, this article reminds me a lot of how I was raised. I was a very patient child, actually preferred to play by myself and I knew very well that I was "to be seen, not heard." That sounds worse than it was. I liked being around adults and I realized that if I was well behaved I would be allowed to stay and interact. Also, I think my play as a child was very creative because I was on my own. My mother was strict but never yelled. She tells me I threw temper tantrums around 2, but she was very careful about not giving in, following through on her "threats" and she said it worked in the long run. I hope to have a similar relationship with DD as she gets older and needs discipline. Right now, I'm starting to tell her "no" very firmly when she's doing something dangerous (getting near the oven when it's hot, trying to stand up in the tub) and she does listen. I'm sure when she has a stronger will of her own, it will get harder, but I do think there are some interesting points in this article and I can relate to a lot of it.
That being said, I do think it's a different time and "mommy guilt" for us working moms has a lot to do with how things are changing. I know I feel the same as other posters mentioned about wanting to spend more quality time with DD. It is difficult.
I just have to comment that letting a 2-3mo old CIO is against my instincts. And I doubt all French babies STTN by that age!