Need some advice about DH/marriage...

lucasandjen · February 2012

I will try to make this as short as I can while giving as many details as I can. My DH and I have been together 10 years, married 4, just had our DS 11/25. We have always had a great relationship. No trust issues until recently. There is a female that he started working with about 4 years ago. Her and I actually ended up being good "friends." Her and I would go out and catch some drinks, we also hung out in a group of friends. The relationships changed about 2 years ago when we had friends over, she made a move physically (rubbed his thigh to be more detailed) It obviously made him uncomfortable because he is the one who told me about it. We worked it out and both agreed we need to take a break from this so called friend for awhile. Time went on and eventually we started hanging out again. I did hash it out with this "friend" and after awhile I tried to trust everyone again. It did get better, but I always questioned if DH went out, would she be there? Side note: he was always goofy, flirtatious with everyone, but more so with her because they work so closely together. Fast forward to about 3 weeks ago, we had some friends over, having some drinks, playing cards...I look under the table and see DH's foot on top of hers! I kicked him so hard walked out of the room. She came into the room and asked what was up?! I flipped out and told her she needs to leave now. I haven't spoken to her since. DH and I had several conversations, I actually almost considered seperating because I couldn't take much more of this. Also considering I just had DS I was self conscious already. He siad has now completely cut off the flirting with her ( I actually do believe him) He says he wants things to work. Now here is where my dilemma comes...he told me his boss is sending him, this girl and a few other colleagues on a business trip for 2 nights in March! What the hell am I suppose to do??? Tell him to quit? I actually considered this...I even thought maybe me and DS could come along for a little mini vacation. I don't know if we can work that out with my work schedule though. Its just a very tough situation. He always makes it seem like I am overreacting and its not a big deal because he wouldn't do anything. I don't know what to think anymore...What would you do in my situation? He is trying to establish himself in his career so its hard to just say no you can't go. I appreciate anything anyone has to say good or bad

TIA!

skipperkelly · February 2012

so sorry you are dealing with this. Do you know for sure that DH cheated? Have you asked him?

lucasandjen · February 2012

He says It has never gone further than what I already know...just flirting to the point that I am not comfortable. I really don't think it would go that far, but I almost feel like it is an "emotional" affair in a way.

skipperkelly · February 2012

to me an emotional affair is just as bad as a physical one. Hopefully he will stop what he's doing ASAP.

baby3ob · February 2012

i'm not really sure what advice to give ... but i would have been BEYOND pissed if i even just saw my DH's foot on this girl's. i understand your feelings with this upcoming trip, i don't think i would trust either of them. especially if these business trips include dinner and drinks as they usually do. i'm sorry

i guess you can't really tell him to quit, although maybe it's time for him to start looking for another job similar to the one he has (minus the homewrecker) if he wants to keep you and your DS in his life.

Christine&Mario · February 2012

Oh dear, I'm so sorry that you are going through this

However, your DH crossed a very serious line with the footsie, IMO. If they were doing that with you in the room, I tend to think that there is more going on when you are not around. Even if there isn't anything else going on physically, like PP said, an emotional affair is every bit as serious as cheating and I think you and DH need to get to the bottom of these issues. Will he consider marriage therapy? I think that it is a must if you are ever going to rebuild trust at this point.

As far as the trip, I would need to know more. Is this absolutely a requirement for him to keep his current job? If it is anyway optional, I would recommend that you make a strong stance against his going on the trip if you cannot accompany him.

You're in my T&Ps.

Andi2384 · February 2012

Christine&Mario:
Oh dear, I'm so sorry that you are going through this My DH also works with a wannabe homewrecker and I know how difficult that is.

However, your DH crossed a very serious line with the footsie, IMO. If they were doing that with you in the room, I tend to think that there is more going on when you are not around. Even if there isn't anything else going on physically, like PP said, an emotional affair is every bit as serious as cheating and I think you and DH need to get to the bottom of these issues. Will he consider marriage therapy? I think that it is a must if you are ever going to rebuild trust at this point.

As far as the trip, I would need to know more. Is this absolutely a requirement for him to keep his current job? If it is anyway optional, I would recommend that you make a strong stance against his going on the trip if you cannot accompany him.

You're in my T&Ps.

Emotional cheating is still cheating. Marriage is based on open communication and trust. If you cannot communicate and/or you cannot trust him (which I certainly would not at this point), then what do you have besides a lot of anxiety, stress and heartache?

Personally, I would tell DH he's not going on the trip. If he does, then he can find a new residence on his return because his key is not going to work any more.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

jenni888 · February 2012

Ugh I wrote out a long response and TB ate it.

I'll try to recap. I have seen a situation like this play out and while it eventually had a good ending, it was a painful process because it went too far.

Yes, I'm sure his intention is "Nothing would happen, I won't take it too far" but the truth is there is precedence of physical contact already, so all you have to do is put the right circumstances (a few drinks, being in a bad mood, etc.) in play and that could change.

Unfortunately there is nothing you can do to control his actions. What you can do is have a conversation with him about what is really going on. I guarantee you it has nothing to do with this other woman. She is just a distraction from the real issue at hand. Someone on the outside is just exciting and enticing because they are an unknown. Especially after how long you two have been together. There is some issue he has to work out (pressures of being a new dad? work? what is driving him to need to be distracted that way?) and the healthy way to deal would be to talk it through with his wife.

He needs to understand that you and this family you've created are the sure thing. There is love and caring at home for him. Whatever is going on, as innocent as it seems on the surface, with this woman is not healthy. Is he prepared to deal with the consequences if they take it too far? I'm sure he thinks she is fun/exciting etc., but he also only interacts with her in a fairly controlled environment. Does he realize that their interactions are only a mirage of what any kind of real relationship with this girl would be? They're all questions that he probably has not really considered.

I wish you only the best and hope your husband is able to realize that what he's doing is harmful behavior.

dpeugh85 · February 2012

Andi2384:
Christine&Mario:

Oh dear, I'm so sorry that you are going through this My DH also works with a wannabe homewrecker and I know how difficult that is.

However, your DH crossed a very serious line with the footsie, IMO. If they were doing that with you in the room, I tend to think that there is more going on when you are not around. Even if there isn't anything else going on physically, like PP said, an emotional affair is every bit as serious as cheating and I think you and DH need to get to the bottom of these issues. Will he consider marriage therapy? I think that it is a must if you are ever going to rebuild trust at this point.

As far as the trip, I would need to know more. Is this absolutely a requirement for him to keep his current job? If it is anyway optional, I would recommend that you make a strong stance against his going on the trip if you cannot accompany him.

You're in my T&Ps.

Emotional cheating is still cheating. Marriage is based on open communication and trust. If you cannot communicate and/or you cannot trust him (which I certainly would not at this point), then what do you have besides a lot of anxiety, stress and heartache?

Personally, I would tell DH he's not going on the trip. If he does, then he can find a new residence on his return because his key is not going to work any more.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Ugh all of this. I'll be the bltch and say it...honey, going off just the info you provided, he's cheating on you. Like PP said if these are two instances that have occured in your own mothereffing home while you were there, what is going on when you aren't there? It takes some major cajones to make moves like that when the wife is in the same room. There has been a pattern established of inappropriate physical contact between the two of them.

Your own admission of your husband being a goofy, flirty guy is concerning. It almost sounds like you are giving him an excuse for acting inappropriatley with someone else. He is also taking advantage of your forgiving nature, as you stated you had hashed this out with this woman earlier and everything was puppies and raindbows again. It's upsetting that you have expressed your uneasiness about the nature of the their relationship with your husband, and he keeps blowing you off. Promises of "I would never do that" or "You're making a big deal out of nothing" are a red flag. A HUGE red flag. Obviously the inclanation is already there if they are playing footsie when you are seated at the same table.

Also, this isn't the "homewreckers" fault. She is a catalyst, if it wasn't her it would be another woman. This is your husband not standing up as a committed, married man and being vocal and forceful against these unwanted advances. It doesn't sound like the advances are unwanted in your case. He is not respecting you, as his wife, by continuing on with this behavior. He is making a fool of you. Do you think no one else has noticed these behaviors? I'm pissed off for you, he's really being disgusting and outrageous.

Work trip out of town? Not over my dead body. He would find his shlt out on the front lawn when he got back.

I would definetly post this in Trouble In Paradise/Relationships over on TN. Those women normally have really spot on advice with posts like this. Again, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm not trying to be a bltch, but I think it helps to look at your situation from an outsiders perspective.

Olalala157 · February 2012

Here is my take on it. I think all your concerns are valid and likely I would feel the same way you are but after I think about it a bit here is what I came up with. If he wants to cheat, a 2 day work trip isnt going to start/stop anything. Sometimes by constantly accusing someone can push them to something. I think the more confident you are in him and yourself the more confident he will feel (granted he is a good guy like you say) and will be less likely to cheat. I also think there shouldn't have been any flirting to begin with. Even though that may be his "personality" doesn't mean its right especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

If a guy wants to cheat he will cheat so you trying to stop a 2 day trip isnt going to help/solve anything. I believe in the philosophy of hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me. I say trust him unless he gives you a reason not to. If you dont trust him then there are bigger issues you guys need to address than just a 2 night trip.

Christine&Mario · February 2012

Olalala157:

Here is my take on it. I think all your concerns are valid and likely I would feel the same way you are but after I think about it a bit here is what I came up with. If he wants to cheat, a 2 day work trip isnt going to start/stop anything. Sometimes by constantly accusing someone can push them to something. I think the more confident you are in him and yourself the more confident he will feel (granted he is a good guy like you say) and will be less likely to cheat. I also think there shouldn't have been any flirting to begin with. Even though that may be his "personality" doesn't mean its right especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

If a guy wants to cheat he will cheat so you trying to stop a 2 day trip isnt going to help/solve anything. I believe in the philosophy of hurt me once shame on you, hurt me twice shame on me. I say trust him unless he gives you a reason not to. If you dont trust him then there are bigger issues you guys need to address than just a 2 night trip.

I disagree with this advice. The idea that you can push somebody into cheating by accusing them of cheating is the thing that men who cheat tell women to get them off their backs and women who are cheated on tell themselves to rationalize forgiving the cheating.

To recap: you did not push your DH to cheat, this is all on hiim. You and DH need to get into therapy right now.

ngarciabyu · February 2012

dpeugh85:
Andi2384:
Christine&Mario:

Oh dear, I'm so sorry that you are going through this My DH also works with a wannabe homewrecker and I know how difficult that is.

However, your DH crossed a very serious line with the footsie, IMO. If they were doing that with you in the room, I tend to think that there is more going on when you are not around. Even if there isn't anything else going on physically, like PP said, an emotional affair is every bit as serious as cheating and I think you and DH need to get to the bottom of these issues. Will he consider marriage therapy? I think that it is a must if you are ever going to rebuild trust at this point.

As far as the trip, I would need to know more. Is this absolutely a requirement for him to keep his current job? If it is anyway optional, I would recommend that you make a strong stance against his going on the trip if you cannot accompany him.

You're in my T&Ps.

Emotional cheating is still cheating. Marriage is based on open communication and trust. If you cannot communicate and/or you cannot trust him (which I certainly would not at this point), then what do you have besides a lot of anxiety, stress and heartache?

Personally, I would tell DH he's not going on the trip. If he does, then he can find a new residence on his return because his key is not going to work any more.

You're in my thoughts and prayers.

Ugh all of this. I'll be the bltch and say it...honey, going off just the info you provided, he's cheating on you. Like PP said if these are two instances that have occured in your own mothereffing home while you were there, what is going on when you aren't there? It takes some major cajones to make moves like that when the wife is in the same room. There has been a pattern established of inappropriate physical contact between the two of them.

Your own admission of your husband being a goofy, flirty guy is concerning. It almost sounds like you are giving him an excuse for acting inappropriatley with someone else. He is also taking advantage of your forgiving nature, as you stated you had hashed this out with this woman earlier and everything was puppies and raindbows again. It's upsetting that you have expressed your uneasiness about the nature of the their relationship with your husband, and he keeps blowing you off. Promises of "I would never do that" or "You're making a big deal out of nothing" are a red flag. A HUGE red flag. Obviously the inclanation is already there if they are playing footsie when you are seated at the same table.

Also, this isn't the "homewreckers" fault. She is a catalyst, if it wasn't her it would be another woman. This is your husband not standing up as a committed, married man and being vocal and forceful against these unwanted advances. It doesn't sound like the advances are unwanted in your case. He is not respecting you, as his wife, by continuing on with this behavior. He is making a fool of you. Do you think no one else has noticed these behaviors? I'm pissed off for you, he's really being disgusting and outrageous.

Work trip out of town? Not over my dead body. He would find his shlt out on the front lawn when he got back.

I would definetly post this in Trouble In Paradise/Relationships over on TN. Those women normally have really spot on advice with posts like this. Again, I'm sorry you're in this situation. I'm not trying to be a bltch, but I think it helps to look at your situation from an outsiders perspective.

I'm sorry, but this. The fact that both of them had the audacity to cross the threshold of your home with that disrespecting behavior leads me to believe that you have not been witness to the worst of their actions. I am so angry for you!

I agree with the notion that you cannot prevent someone from cheating, but this situation is a little too fresh to allow the business trip. You are clearly much more selfless than me, and are obviously concerned about his career, but I would have been succinct that I was going to take it to their boss if I suspected anything else were to happen. In most reputable companies that behavior is not tolerated. More importantly, you and DH should perhaps seek counseling. Like PP said, if it weren't her it would probably be someone else and I would get to the root of what the issues are.

sap05e · February 2012

Honestly, I'd ask him to find another job... or at the very least to not go on the trip. He's the one that crossed a line and the only way I could start to feel ok again is if he didn't work there anymore. Flirting is one thing but physical contact like that is not ok by me. Obviously you do not trust him now or you wouldn't be thinking of asking him to quit or not go. So be honest with yourself on what it would take for you to feel comfortable again and tell him. I've been in a relationship post-cheating and it's awful to have trust issues. I can't imagine it in a marriage. Even just to suspect things puts you on edge 24/7. As dpeugh would say.. "nip it in the butt" right now.

dukestar5 · February 2012

sap05e:
Honestly, I'd ask him to find another job... or at the very least to not go on the trip. He's the one that crossed a line and the only way I could start to feel ok again is if he didn't work there anymore. Flirting is one thing but physical contact like that is not ok by me. Obviously you do not trust him now or you wouldn't be thinking of asking him to quit or not go. So be honest with yourself on what it would take for you to feel comfortable again and tell him.

I am so sorry for what you are experiencing. Even if DH is not cheating, I am sure it is a very stressful time wondering what the extent of their relationship really is. I agree with sap05e...I would ask him not to go on the trip. I think he needs to show you (whether it be not going on the trip or quitting his job) that he is serious about his relationship with you. It might also be helpful to attend a counseling session together...that way you have a mediator and someone who can ask questions and help you all resolve some of these concerns.

vanessa11411 · February 2012

DH would get quite the verbal lashing if he did that. Tell him he can't go on the "business trip."

Mom2Cinderella · February 2012

Ugh what a terrible situation for you to be in. I can say from experience that once you lose that trust, it's hard to get it back. Even if this other woman is out of the picture, you will likely always be questioning him. I would definitely try for your lo's sake to go to therapy, get rid of that girl, etc. I wish you luck and I hope your husband clears the air and wants to keep everything together and go to therapy too. I'm sorry you have to experience this after having a sweet little baby.

SuzJune04 · February 2012

First off, it sounds like you are completely entitled to everything you are feeling. Don't ever think that you are over-reacting. I was cheated on in college and the first defense they give is by telling you that "you are crazy or over-reacting".

I also completely support marriage counseling. I've been with my DH for 10yrs also and we went after having DS#1. Having a baby shakes up relationships, even if there aren't trust issues. In my opinion, going to counseling is like a tune-up for your relationship. If larger issues are discovered (like he did cheat more than he is admitting) then atleast you will know.

Good luck and I'll say a prayer for you!

lucasandjen · February 2012

I really appreciate everyone's response. Wow! 400+ views! I know everyone has different ways of dealing with things. I am honestly just trying to think about my baby and his future. I NEVER would have thought to even think about divorce or be a single mom, but it has definitely been crossing my mind more now than ever and it is so scary. It is going to take a lot more than a little footsie to break up this family!
I might be naive, but I really honestly do not think it has gone any further than what he has told me. I agree I do think counseling is needed. It would help if he either leaves the company or she does. One thing I forgot to mention is that we all work at the same company (different departments) so now that I am back at work I can keep my tabs on him a little closer It just feels good to hear that I am not overreacting about the situation because I haven't really talked to anyone about this. That in itself feels great just to get out! So although I got pretty riled up again (not about your responses, but because of his actions) reading all of your responses, it was kind of a relief at the same time. Maybe I should just let him read all of the responses and that will get it through his head. Momma aint no fool!!!!

sbelle3 · February 2012

You have gotten some good advice so far. I also highly recommend counseling. We went when i Was pregnant with ds1 and it was VERY helpful. If I were in your shoes I would tell DH he had to look for another job asap. I a a firm believer that in marriage other people will come along that we are attracted to. We are human. It is up to us to remove ourselves from any situations that may be tempting. If he can not avoid this woman then he needs a new job. It has gone too far already in my book. One last thing, he needs to stop the "flirty" behavior like yesterday. He is not the high school quarterback. He's a grown a$$ married man. Unacceptable. JMO. Good luck and t &p's going out to you!

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