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3rd Trimester
knottie3c0525a8a3c64eaa
member
Stupid email from MIL. Help me reply to it!
knottie3c0525a8a3c64eaa
member
I wrote about this here before... My MIL is very pushy and really wants to stay with us for a while when we have the baby. She is not helpful, she is selfish, and she stresses me out. She is very opinionated. She plays the "I'm so nice and I want to help" card but I PROMISE it is nothing helpful ever. Both my husband and I agree that having her over will no be a good idea.
We explained politely one thousand times that we will be fine and do not need house guests. We said she is welcome to visit when we are ready, but we would like to spend the first week together, just the 3 of us, bonding as a family. We were debating if we should call them when I go into labor or if we should wait until after the baby is born. If I call them while I am in labor, they would show up there after 2hours (they live about 2h away). I really don't want them there. My parents were so understanding when we explained that. My mother in law keeps pushing. This morning I received the following email:
"How are you feeling xxx? Baby's Birthday is getting close. 2/12/12 would be a good date to remember...Let me know the address for the Hospital so I can program it into my GPS system. I do not want to get lost driving to the Hospital to visit you and Max. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you."
Detail is that I am not due until the 23rd and they call us 2x a week since 35 weeks asking if the baby is here yet. It is driving me nuts, especially because we've been told by the OB the baby needed to cook a little longer because he was too tiny!!!
Maybe I am too hormonal but this is driving me nuts! Why can't she just let us be? I understand she is excited but I really want to spend time alone with my baby and husband for one week. It's just on week!!!! Can you help me reply without being rude? I'm so mad!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Stupid email from MIL. Help me reply to it!
I honestly, that email was so nothing. And yes they are excited so understand that, especially if this is their first grandkid. You are definitely a little hormonal about it.
Did you not want them visiting you in the hospital? Have you made that clear if that's the case? I hate my MIL but I am not banning her from the hospital (just our house after the baby is here). If you haven't (or don't plan to) just respond the following
Hi Mom:
2/12/12 would be an easy date to remember for sure. Of course you know little xxx isn't due until the 23rd so we're hoping he/she makes it full term.
Here is the hospital address- I'll have DH call you when you guys can come for a visit- we'll want to get settled after L&D and we'll want little xxx to look his/her best for you and Dad when you come. So far we don't need anything but I'll be sure to let you know if something comes up, thanks for asking. Looking forward to seeing you both.
Love,
DIL
Don't make this more than it needs to be. If she asks when she can come stay with you after your baby is here, just tell her you'll call if you need/want anything.
we had a similar issue. ILs live 12 hours away, so DH originally thought they'd want to come right away and likely stay a week (turns out SIL does), but I explained to him that, bonding issues aside, I'll be trying to breastfeed so likely will be walking around topless most of the day, which would mean if they were here, they wouldn't get to see the baby because we'd be secluded up in my room, since I'm certainly not about to flash my family.
You could also try the "hospital doesn't want us to see too many people at first because he's a bit tiny and we want him to gain some weight first"
Sounds a bit like my MIL, except she lives in this area and stops over whenever she pleases. I think I would let your husband take care of this for you. That way, you arent stressing yourself out and he can deal with all the drama and not tell you about it...at least this is what I told my husband to do with his mother until the baby arrives. If you really want to respond to this...I would say: "I really appreciate that you are thinking of us and wish to help. Since my due date isn't until the 23rd, and since DH and I would like to spend the first week alone together as a family, it wont be necessary for you to come so early. However, we would love for you to come a few weeks after baby arrives so you can spend some time with him/her. Let me know if the week of ____ will be convenient for you to come visit."
Play her game and only give her one option. Trust me, if they get an inch...they usually take a mile.
I agree. I think if he handles more of this, there is less opportunity for you to get irritated with her and say something she will misinterpret (willfully or accidentally).
That sounds great! To be honest, I am not sure if I don't want visitors at all. I just want to wait and see how it goes and how I feel. I want to be able to make this decision after I have the baby. It might even be that I will want people to come over at some point or it might be that I feel just overwhelmed and want to spend time just with my hubby and son. I really feel like I just want to be with my husband and the baby for the first week... either way, I want to be able to make this decision on my own, depending on how I feel, you know what I mean?
I'm a fan of this whole post... This is the exact route (and probably wording, too) i would take!
I don't thinks she's trying to be rude. She's just excited. I don't think you're being hormonal per se. I think you are just stockpiling all the experiences you've had with your MIL in the past and pouring them into this email she sent. The truth is, she's probably trying not to step on your toes.
Either way, whether she's hinting at something or not, be diplomatic with her. Kindly explain that you will call when you are ready and she can visit when you are ready. iF she has a problem with that, it is her problem.
My little angel RIP August 12, 2010 - September 5, 2010
DS born 04/25/2012
Honestly, I don't think she was being pushy at all. I think you need to realize you are having a baby and this comes with the territory of having a baby... people are going to say things, enough said.
I know you don't want guests, and I don't want any guests within the first hour or so of delivering our baby, but to tell your child's grandparent that they can't come and visit... that's harsh.
Here is what I said:
"Hello, How are you? Glad you had a nice time with the boys. 2/12/12 would be an easy date to remember for sure. Of course you know little Max isn't due until the 23rd so we're hoping he makes it full term. The doctor said he is still very tiny, so we want him to spend as much time in my belly as he can to grow and gain some weight, at least another poundI would reply "I'm fine (as long as you are - I hope!)" then ignore the birthday thing. My MIL calls DH daily asking how "her girls" are or "her baby" is (neither is hers! Not me, not my LO!). We just say "everyone's fine" - case in point. I WOULD give the hospital address - might as well because she will keep asking. End it nicely, call it a day! She's going to want to come to the hospital - but you can tell them no one is to come into the room until you give the green light. We keep telling MIL that she isn't allowed to leave her house til we say - but she keeps saying things that hint she's gonna be in that waiting room. Fine - if you want to leave super early and refuse to listen to us, then you deserve to sit in that room for who knows how many hours (FIL will kill her haha! he'll leave! They don't live far - he can be back in 10 min tops to see the baby).
Just keep insisting that you do not need live in visitors. She can't just show up and live with you. You have the right to kick her out. I'd let DH handle that. My mother wanted to stay with us for a week, and I had to handle that since DH said no to it after I gave the "ok". My mom really wanted to, but she's ok with it now. Just be honest - they will forgive you. When all else fails, make them mad - then blame your hormones. I got in multiple fights with MIL in the beginning and always blamed hormones so that I didn't look like the witch :-)
TTC #2 since 10/2013
BFP #1 (4.14.14) ~ CP (4.18.14)
BFP #2 (6.27.14) ~ EDD 3.7.15
TTC #2 since 10/2013
BFP #1 (4.14.14) ~ CP (4.18.14)
BFP #2 (6.27.14) ~ EDD 3.7.15
Have your DH respond to the message:
"Hi Mom! Everyone's doing fine. We're getting excited, but I think we're ready. The hospital's address is ......... Take care. ***."
Anyway, I think the best policy is for your DH to take over communications from here on out. Screen the calls, make sure DH is the one that calls back, not you. When you do go the hospital, delay calling until after the birth. He can always use the excuse that he was too wrapped up in taking care of you to make the call until after the baby comes.
When the baby comes and she does want to stay with you, have your DH just say no and if she insists, he can give a very ugly reason why. Recovery from childbirth is a very personal, somewhat icky thing. He should be able to tell his mother that you're a bloody, swollen mess and that he is not okay with his mother seeing you like that. He will take care of you.
Honestly, I don't have a terribly polite response for a non-polite refusal to acknowledge your family's wishes and desires.
My most likely response would be: "Could you please send me the name and phone number of your family practitioner? I'm so sorry to have to ask, but I'd like to have a discussion with him/her about your apparent memory problems. It doesn't seem normal for a woman of your young age to completely forget the plethora of conversations we've had with you, all explaining that we have decided not to have guests or company of any type until a week after the baby has delivered. We're concerned that this memory loss could be a symptom of something more severe and we want to make sure that it's noted in your chart for the next time you see your doctor."
Wow. The bump must have a built in censor. I tried to put D*ck, in the note above, as in, Love, D*ck. Like from D*ck and Jane. And the bump bleeped me. OMG, don't name your baby Richard. The bump might take offense.
I could swear we have the same mother in law. I don't know if you'd want to do this, but I have resorted to flat out lying to mine about any induction talks and being less-friendly when she talks about coming up to the hospital, etc. Basically being MUCH less 'open' than I have been, but I've been gradually doing it so it hasn't come off as me suddenly being secretive or anything.
For your situation, just give her the address for the hospital and play her games, it doesn't mean you HAVE to tell her anything you don't want to. She can only be so annoyed she didn't watch you writhe in labor pains after getting a phone call that says "Grandson is here, come see him!" (Plus, if you call them after your baby is born, there is 2 full hours you get to bond with him before they show up!) To me, I think it will slip my MIL's mind because she will be so focused on seeing our baby after getting said phone call, so that's why I try not to let it stress me. If your MIL asks why you didn't call sooner, just say exactly why! Seriously, I do not think she will hold it against you after the fact. I plan on telling mine we (or I) wanted it to be a private time and/or I needed as little people there as possible so I could focus on laboring and being relaxed. And if your MIL (or mine even) gets pissed because of that, then she is being a selfish twat.
As for her calling repeatedly asking if you've had your baby, my MIL started doing this and I don't answer if she calls my phone, I let my SO talk to her--sometimes he doesn't answer either and neither of us are bothered
Love this, it is perfect. It builds her up, it doesn't sound the least bit mean or hormonal! I would totally use this as my response to her.
Adventure's In Willyland
I disagree with this!
It's her pregnancy, her and her DH makes the rules and her MIL can go shove it where the sun doesn't shine. Point blank.
She's already told her MIL her and her DH's wishes, yet her MIL doesn't want to respect them.
She never said she hates her MIL and her MIL will never see the baby or anything like that.
She just wants her family bonding time with her, her DH and her baby.
I am hormonal, but everyone who knows me knows to respect my wishes or there will be a big problem. I'm not as cordial as the OP by any means when it comes to how things will go. I don't want any visitors because it's a hospital and there are sick people. Also because I will be watching people like a hawk (nurses and doctors included) about washing their hands before they touch my daughter...I bought a bunch of hand sanitizer even for me, DH, my mom, my birth coach and MIL. Also I have no intention of having guests come over to see my daughter at all until a couple months after she's born. If we're out and about, that's fine, but I don't need someone staying with me making a mess for me to clean up while taking care of an infant.
Don't ever be ashamed of what you want and don't let people walk all over you.
I am all for this! lol Seriously though... I understand people saying you are having a baby and everyone is excited; grandparents should be welcome; etc... However... this is not a prize you won on a TV show... this is your baby! This isn't an event your hosting!... this is a life you and hubby have created! I think relatives sometimes forget that it is not about you not wanting them to be with their baby its about them respecting boundaries of what you deem fit for your first few hours, days, weeks with baby. If you feel a month later is when you would like to have relatives then your wishes should be respected by MIL. Everyone handles stress differently and this life changing event should be special not stressful!
I had considered telling my mother that we didn't want visitors @ the hospital after DD is born because of the HUGE scene that she made after DS was born but realized how much easier it would be to have her come to the hospital than my house... Glad I'm not the only one thinking on these lines!
I think that was very polite and respectful. And I do think you set the expectation that your husband will call her when you all are ready for visitors. If she pushes the issue with you I would just defer to your husband at that point!
Well I think it's a shame that there are people like you out there that don't want to share with family the joy of a new baby. I realize that yeah it's your kid, but that's being really selfish to deny visitors and to say that you won't allow visitors to our house a couple months after she's born. That's actually really heart breaking....
I don't blame you, my mom does the "super nice" act but it also unhelpful and does whatever she wants most of the time.
Say this "oh, I'm so sorry if we didn't communicate clearly but we won't be having visitors at the hospital. It's so kind of you to offer, but we have thought this through and we are certain we'd like the first few days (weeks, whatever you've told her before) to be just me, Max and Baby, as a family. You're welcome to come on such-n-such a date like we talked about before. See you then. We're all so excited aren't we! Hugs, xxx"
If she shows up at the hospital, by some miracle (I mean, disaster), simply have the nurses turn her away. I know our hospital doesn't let ANYONE through to see mom and baby unless they've practically been pre-approved, stamped, signed, and copied in triplicate, so it may be easy to use the nurses as bouncers.
I think your husband needs to step in and talk to his mom; you shouldn't have this kind of stress while you are preparing for baby. You guys might need to be more blunt with her; she is not hearing what you are saying.
I know you don't want hospital visitors but maybe if you let them come the day after baby's born, this might buy you time so she won't come to the house so soon.
As much as I want the world to stop when baby is born and it just be me, baby and hubby - it's such a big moment for everyone in the family too. I just try to put myself in their shoes. When my kids grow up and I start having grandchildren, I'm sure I will be just as excited and want to be there for everything.
Sometimes people don't know there limits and put all their needs first; thats when you just need to say it how it is; sparing feelings hasn't worked so well for your MIL.
Good luck!
P.S. I also wouldn't tell anyone when you go into labor because you know she'll be in her car on her way. Deal with feelings later and enjoy your first minutes of baby time.