Does your DH expect you to do everything because you are a SAHM?

tbone_bride · February 2012

I recently became a SAHM and I feel like my husband thinks it means he doesn't have to pitch in to help in the evenings & the mornings. He doesn't help me if DD wakes up in the night or very early in the morning. He doesn't put her to sleep. He tells me we will swap turns on weekends and each take a few hours to ourselves. Well, he's the only one who's doing it. My DD is in a stage where she freaks out when daddy picks her up & she only wants mommy, but I honestly think it's because he isn't involved in her care. He doesn't feed her, bathe her, dress her, change her diapers (maybe 2-3 times per week) or put her to sleep. I do it all. It's making me so resentful and honestly I don't know what to do about it. If I talk about it with him, he just gets mad.

Well, this turned into a rant, but just curious if it's just me.

nekorayne · February 2012

Uhm, NOPE! DS is OUR child and the house is OUR home. We both pitch in.

DS's job is to go to work and mine is to to make sure DS is well taken care of while he is at work. I also am the one that does all the budgeting and menu planning so I guess that is my "job" is as well, but that is more because that is what I am good at.

When DH comes home he can't wait to get his hands on DS to play. DH is a VERY hands on dad, I'm lucky. Sure I do the majority of cooking and cleaning out of default because I'm home more but if DH is at home he does what he sees needs to be done and has some "chores" that are always his. DH says I am a stay at home mom, not a stay at home house keeper. So while I do most of the stuff he defiantly does his fair share and would never get mad if I was to busy to do something.

Edited to say that it really bothers me when I hear that dads are not excited to "help out" with thier children. I use the term "help out" for lack of a better word because wanting to spend time with your kid and do all the things that come along with that is a part of being a parent. And on top of it it makes me sad when guys don't seem to enjoy being dads. My DH LOVES playing with DS, giving him baths, feeding him, etc... he would be so hurt if I did not give him the chance to come home and do these things with DS because he looks forward to it. And sure no one loves getting up with the baby in the middle of the night but he does do it just like I do because that is a part of being a parent!

MaxandRuby · February 2012

I don't care if my H expects me to or not, he will help me out. And if he doesn't offer, then I ask him. And if I don't feel he is pulling his weight, then I tell him. And if he chooses to not pick up his slack then he gets to deal with me being bittchy and pissy to which I say he had it coming to him.

A spouse does not get a get our of jail free card because the other person stays at home. Takes 2 to make a child; therefore, it takes 2 to care for the child.

pepomntpat · February 2012

I think your DH needs to stop looking at caring for your daughter as a chore and as part of being a parent.

DH does expect me to do more-in the way of house work. And I even resent that at times. But, he really enjoys caring for our daughter and does most of the child care on weekends. I would be very upset if my husband were not interested in parenting our daughter.

Mom2Mack1 · February 2012

DH doesn't expect it but I do take care of alot of the day-to-date duties. When it comes to childcare, he helps out in the evenings with bedtime, and weekends he's around to help too. I do take care of cleaning, laundry, cooking, etc while I am home, but he also has his chores that he takes care of, lawncare, trash, recycling, etc. I am the one that gets up at night unless she being really bad then we both get up.

I know DH is tired at the end of the day but I am too so when he gets home it's co-parenting until bedtime! I've learned that SAH makes getting me time less of a priority, probably because it takes more planning. If I go away for a weekend I have to find a sitter if I want to leave before DH gets hom from work, etc. but it is still important.

JCM · February 2012

I do more with DD than DH but he does pitch in. I've realized I have to ask him to do things & not wait for him to do them. DH travels a ton for work & most of the time it's just me & DD. Even when he's home I bathe her, dress her, make her meals, put her to bed & get up with her in the morning. That being said he does come into her bedroom when I'm getting her ready for bed, he gets her bed ready she kisses him good night & I do the physical act of rocking her for a few minutes, singing her twinkle, twinkle little star & putting her in her crib. He also come in when she wakes up (most mornings he's here) & hang out with us when I'm changing her. This morning he gave me the rare treat of sleeping in! It was amazing.

Maybe try & not wait for him to volunteer to do things just ask him to do them.

laney75 · February 2012

No my husband doesn't expect me to do it all, but I will say in the beginning our expectations were very dissimilar. He did help out on nights/weekends but not as much as I would have liked. I had to ask repeatedly to help with things like a bath (I think he only did 2-3 in the first year), etc. To be honest, it created a lot of resentment in me that I had a hard time getting over.

We just weren't on the same page. Have a long disussion with your husband. You do not need to be doing it all, but you also need to be respectful of his wishes too (I don't like it when wives just "tell" their husbands what they need to be doing at any given time). Obvioysly during his working hours, you're in charge of everything. Nights/weekends? You guys need to come up with a system that YOU and HE can live with. Maybe he does 2 bath/bedtimes a week, and you get a day a month on the weekend for yourself. Whatever you guys workout.

Everyone on here will have different systems they have worked out with their husband. The iportant part is that it works for both of you. You do not need to be resenting him for years b/c of this and he doesn't need to feel forced/coerced into taking care of his baby (although it sounds like his expectations are unrealistic on how much you are doing). He probably doesn't realize how much you do frankly.

Finally... I really think most men do not bond/enjoy their children much the first year. It really is more mommy focused because of the nursing, etc. I just think it is harder for them to get into it and maybe he is a little nervous or something too.

One more thing... re: nighttime wakings... my husband didn't help with those either at that age. I was nursing so I had to feed the baby myself (pumping didn't work well for me) and since he was working full time outside of the home, I felt it was unfair to expect him to get up on his work nights to help with the baby. I had no problem with that part.

GL!

AlabamaMamma224 · February 2012

I'm sitting here with my feet up right now and DH is folding the laundry. Stick out tongue

We work well together. hehehehe

Court0026 · February 2012

When I had DS, I did EVERYTHING. Part of it was me wanting to do it, part of it was him feeling insecure about what to do, etc. I went back to work when DS was 10 months old and was STILL doing everything. We had to make some changes. No more DH going into his office when he got home to unwind before dinner kind of thing (play video games). It was slow, but by the time we had DD (DS was 19 months old), DH was a big part of the routine. I still do the cooking, most of the cleaning, the errands, the doctor appts, etc., but he helps with everything from when he gets home until bedtime and gets up with DS if he is up in the night. I am working on getting him to get up with DD. She used to be a huge Mama's girl, but is better now...and she is a craptastic sleeper. We also take turns getting up on the weekends. I never feel like I do too much now. Well, it can feel like too much, but I don't feel like he isn't doing his share.

EveryNameIWantIsTaken · February 2012

To answer your question, no.

jsugrin · February 2012

No, I also made it very clear to DH from the beginning that we both work 9-5 and that when we are both home we are both working as well.

eaglesfan700 · February 2012

EveryNameIWantIsTaken:
To answer your question, no.

Ditto. He has been hands-on and involved in everything from the get-go

J&A2008 · February 2012

I always did the night wakings.

I asked DH to help with bath one night a week, a day a week to sleep in, and one night a week to be responsible for dinner. He already was part of getting ready for bed, dressing, diaper changes, and watching him/playing with him.

I found it really helpful to be specific in what I wanted help with.

ETA: He's always helped with cleaning and picking up. When LO was a newborn, he did help with laundry until I got kind of angry and flat out banned him from the laundry room from ruining too many of my clothes that couldn't just be dumped in the washer on any old setting, or whites that couldn't be bleached.

Katieh6 · February 2012

I do most of the housework and child care because dh works incredibly long hours. When he is home he does help with child care. He bathes the boys and helps with bedtime when he's home. He takes our three year old on errands a lot. He also keeps the boys and doesn't mind when I go out once or twice a month on a girls night. He wasn't as good when ds1 was a baby and he only changes diapers when I'm not there or my hands are tied. I don't mind doing most of it since his job takes up so much time and he is a great dad and always plays with the boys.

goldenleaves · February 2012

I did more with DS than DH did when he was a baby. DH is a much more involved dad now that DS is older! They are buddies, it's really sweet.

I used to get seriously annoyed/pissed/hurt, until I talked to DH about it. It turns out that he just wasn't quite sure what to do and didn't feel comfortable just jumping in. As soon as I would ask/tell him what I needed he was more than happy to do it. Communication is very key for us in helping each other to be great parents.

I've been "warned" ahead of time about the same with with the new LO on the way. DH said he's more than happy to help me with whatever I need but his instinct is going to be to to help our son since he already knows what to do.

As for housework, I do most of it because I'm home. I HATE doing laundry so it's usaually DH's one chore. I do all of the cooking because I really enjoy it!

pinacolodas · February 2012

No, DH helps a lot. However, every few months we have to have a talk because he slides into a pattern of not offering to help. If I tell him what I need, he will do it but sometimes he is not so proactive.

All it takes is a talk and he is fine (for awhile lol). Also, I highly recommend you leaving the house for the weekend. Let him see what it is like to care for a LO all day and night.

HarrietNJMommy · February 2012

No, my DH isn't like that. We also have 3 kids, and he MUST pitch in. It's just the way it is.

MJCF · February 2012

goldenleaves:
I did more with DS than DH did when he was a baby. DH is a much more involved dad now that DS is older! They are buddies, it's really sweet.

I used to get seriously annoyed/pissed/hurt, until I talked to DH about it. It turns out that he just wasn't quite sure what to do and didn't feel comfortable just jumping in. As soon as I would ask/tell him what I needed he was more than happy to do it. Communication is very key for us in helping each other to be great parents.

This. The older DS gets the better DH gets. And its true what pp said about getting over him offering help or something like that. You are going to have to tell him what you want. He's a guy. If you did everything in the beginning then why wouldn't you just keep doing it? That could be what he's thinking or he truly doesn't know what to do. DH will still ask me how to do things sometimes even though it seems obvious to me it might not be for him.

wifeandmama · February 2012

NO! They are both our children. Now,granted, I am here with them all weeek alone (he leaves early, gets home late) but when he's home, he's 100% hands-on. Baths on weekends, feeding them, helping around the house, etc.

cactus5 · February 2012

No, he doesn't. He travels weekly for work, so it is me and the three kids for the majority of the week. I of course do everything for them and all the cleaning and cooking then, but the moment he walks in the door our responsibilities are split. Hell, he probably does much more than I do on the weekends because I am so beat. I would talk to him and ask to split on responsibilities a little more evenly.

MyaMaternity · February 2012

Some guys think that it should be the woman's job to take care of kids and especially since you are a SAHM I'm sure it is worse. My only suggestion is to talk with him about it and maybe let him pick things that he wants to help with so he will be motivated to do it.

satama · February 2012

I always did the night wakings (except the first couple of weeks when DH was still off of work), but I was breastfeeding anyway so it would have been silly for us both to get up IMO.

As far as the rest of the time, DH probably does more than his share. He typically took care of DS from the time he got home until bedtime, (I did bath and bedtime up until DS was about 15 months old) and I would usually make dinner. Now I am on bedrest so all bets are off and DH actually does everything.

You need to talk to him and tell him what you need though. He may not realize what you want him to help with until you tell him. I know it seems like he should just want to help, but he is not a mindreader and you should sit down and discuss it. Tell him what you need him to do and when you need some time to yourself. If he still thinks that you should do everything, then it is more of an issue, and I don't have much advice on that.

pesci12 · February 2012

No, although he's deployed right now so I do. When he's home though, he does a lot. We split cooking, cleaning, and all baby duties pretty evenly. I'm thankful he understands how exhausting it can be staying home with a toddler all day.

claudiaudia · February 2012

There are "expectations" I suppose at our home but nothing like my husband expects me to do everything. I'm FAR more hard on myself about doing stuff around the house than he is.

It would probably be a good idea if you had a thought-out talk with him, but don't get accusatory toward him because he's just going to get pissed off, and no one'll get anywhere in the conversation.

Tell him you need his help when he's home with your daughter, and you can even give him reasons why (you can't hold a baby and cook dinner, you aren't able to bathe her AND do something else, things like that). I would probably leave the issue of your daughter being more connected to you out of the conversation as it may make him feel upset about the ordeal.

Most times guys don't realize that they're doing or not doing something until you tell them. Also, they don't get hints: you have to FLAT OUT tell them what will help you to make a better family and marriage.

Good luck!

12bailey18 · February 2012

No way! My DH works super long hours so I take over most of the housework automatically but he certainly does not expect me to. And when he comes home from work and on the weekends he jumps right in to bottle time, bath, and bed routine. I would be so hurt and upset if he wasn't involved with the kids. I would talk to him about it. I would not avoid a discussion because he will get mad. There is a reason he is mad...probably because he knows he's wrong.

almostjennifer · February 2012

DH: mows the lawn, snowblows the driveway, maintains the cars, makes the money

Me: everything else

Exceptions: we do alternate waking up with the kids on Saturday/Sunday mornings and when I specifically ask him to do something (i.e. take out the trash, change that diaper) he does it.

OP: All babies/toddlers go through an "I hate Daddy" phase. It was painful, but both kids grew out of it. Also, I felt resentful like you a few years ago, then I spent some time thinking about it, and realized I'm pretty damn lucky to be able to stay home and I quit bitching. The book "Happy Housewives" by Darla Shine inspired me too.

JoannaJes · February 2012

No, definitely not. When he is out of town, I do everything, but when he is home, he does a ton. He will clean, cook, dishes, you name it.

Also, since we FF, he does 100% of night feedings. And considering the fact that DD is almost 15 months old and still does not STTN, I'd say that is pretty impressive. He likes to joke that the reason she keeps waking at night is to see her Daddy.

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