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Single Parents
Wisdom from someone who's been doing this awhile
I really want to comment on all posts on this board but I just don't have the time to repeat myself over and over again so I thought I'd put it into this post and hopefully people will read it and listen.
Ladies: you don't HAVE to do anything that your ex wants you to do, which isn't stipulated in the CO. 99.9% of the time what they're telling you is BS anyways, and usually for the sake of maintaining control/manipulation. Don't let them.
It's YOUR choice to engage in these conversations and you CAN and SHOULD hang up the phone and/or stop the texting and emails. Take control of your own life and stop playing the victim to the madness. It takes two to tango. Make the decision to stop the ridiculous dance.
If you have legal questions ask an attorney. That's your best source. Not other SP poster (usually, BGG being the exception), not your friends, not your family, and MOST DEFINITELY not your X and/or HIS family.
Being a SP is certaily difficult and can be stressful too, but the best way to mitigate this stress is to alleviate every source of it that you CAN from your life. This usually means limiting contact with the X and setting FIRM, CLEAR boundaries.
I'm not trying to come off like I know everything, because I do not. I've been through exactly what you all have before and so I'm attempting to give you some of the wisdom and lessons that I've had to learn through trial and error. It's definitely easier said than done but you'll thank me and yourself for listening to this advice in the end.
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Re: Wisdom from someone who's been doing this awhile
I see and somewhat agree with what your saying about todays post. I am very thankful for the veterans that are here to remind us and help us do what right.
But please remember that you probably did not get to where you are without the constant repeat after each situation at first, that yes it is indeed manipulation and no you don't have to take it. More times than not I know what the boards response is going to be to a post before I post it. I still have to ask. I still have to gain confidence in my decision. I would rather a person was ask over and over again and follow our opinions than run back into an abusive/manipulative relationship.
I realize your post wasn't intended to stop anyone else from posting the same stuff. I just wanted to reiterate that no one should feel bad/stupid/untrusting about posting a question.
(sorry this is a post in run)
I understand what you're saying. My post wasn't directed at any one person, more just a general observation of the same questions being asked over and over again. Like I said, I am not trying to come across like I know everything in any way, but more trying to give the perspective that I have now, to those who are at the beginning of the process.
You're right though, it might just take that trial and error for some people.
I think I feel guilty for not being able to respond to a lot of posts on here for lack of time and also lack of energy. It gets a little tiring repeating the same thing over and over again, so I attempted to sum it up in one post. If that all makes sense.
Thanks for saying this. And thank you Achase for all the advice you've given over the past few months (since I've been a lurker )
::Clapping::
Thank YOU, Achase!
As I've told Achase and many of the girls here. I've only got to know what I know by doing everything wrong. I hang out here to hope to stop someone from repeating any of the numerous poor decisions I made.
While I also agree w/ the PP about I'd rather you ask and learn to gain confidence in yourself but I have to take breaks from the board b/c I feel like a broken record sometimes.
Stop being nice. It's only going to get you screwed.
There actually used to be something like this posted at the top of the board. It was mainly advice from Sweetie.
I tried to make it sticky and it was for awhile, and then it went away. Once again, this post wasn't meant to discourage anyone from posting anything. It was just more to state some universal knowledge/advice that applies to a lot of different situations.
Lurking also helps too. Sometimes the same questions are asked a lot, and people could learn the answer just by doing a little research.
I agree. I feel bad for not responding sometimes, but I feel like it's the same thing all the time and sometimes...(this is horrible, I know, and I was almost definitely like this 2-3 years ago)...I just want to say "You know you need to leave. It's time to put on your big girl panties and get the eff out." Sorry, I know it's harsh, but that is what I think to myself sometimes.
And of course the general advice: contact someone in your county or state to discuss their specific laws. Google is your friend. Many lawyers do free consultations etc.
Our Journey to Brenden
IVF #1: 4/11(Follistim/Menopur/Ganirelix) 10 retrieved/8 mature and all 8 fertilized / 2 embies transferred ... nothing to freeze Beta 5/10 = BFN
IVF Take 2 Long Lupron July 2011
ER 7/3/11 (our 6th anniversary) - 8 retrieved/7 mature/fert ....ET 7/6/11 - 2 beautiful grade A 8 cell embryos
Beta 7/18/11 - 149!!! Beta 7/21/11 - 311 Beta 7/28/11 - 2,000 8/5/11 - Empty Sac 8/8/11 - There's a yolk sac and maybe a heartbeat 8/12/11 - Fetal pole, yolk sac, heartbeat 8/18/11 - Baby looks GREAT!
3 babies waiting on ice
I would really like this too, I'd like to get to know all you and your LOs. :]
Unfortunately I'm new to this and confused, I need to be slapped once in a while and told to wake the heck up. I appreciate this post and when you all post on my questions even if you feel like a broken record.
Agreed on ALL of this!
In my bag
d90
50mm f/1.2 * 28-85mm (Macro) f/3.5-4.5 * 70-300mm f/3.5-4.5
Opteka Fisheye Adapter * Lightscoop
Achase,
Thank you for posting this. It's a good reminder for all of us.
Also, thank you for sharing your honest and intimate thoughts on your blog. Most of my friends are either married or single (never married) so I don't have a lot of divorced friends. When I feel alone your insightful words in the blog remind me that I'm normal to feel certain ways about my ex, my future, and just about living as a single mother in general.
Thank you again.
Have you read the most recent post from the Dooce blogger who recently separated from her husband? About how hard it is to get 2 kids ready and a backpack put together and let the dog out to pee in the morning and get out the door wearing shoes?
Made my head hurt. Get over yourself, lady. Get organized and if you can't, take some of that damn blogging money and hire someone to help you.
Link?
I'm glad ot hear that it's helping you. Sometimes I feel like I'm talking to thin air because people rarely comment (which is ok, but sometimes I just wonder how many people are getting value from it). I've also considered putting it back in my siggy since I moved the url and the name is now different (therefore less risk of XH finding it).
Would if I could. www.dooce.com it is on the first page under "Floundering".
Having been on this board (not very actively though) for about a year, I have seen a real shift in content. I remember in my early days I gained so much from achase and other posters - just even lurking. I would spend hours reading posts - multiple pages of them, and it was solid advice.
I agree that it would be great to post about other SP and life topics!
I've been doing the single parent thing for longer than most posters on this board, nearly 16 years. A lot of what you said is true. And, a lot of times I do feel like a broken record: no you don't have to put him on the BC, no you don't have to let him in the room, talk to your AG, yes file for child support, blah blah blah. There are times I want to post GET OVER IT AND JUST DO IT ALREADY!!!
But, I think the reason you see duplicate posts is because a woman wants to hear that other women have gone through the same. It's one to read it on someone else posts. It's another to make your own and have someone reply. There's comfort in it. I try to reply to as many as I think I can for that reason.
Im not an expert. But, I've been there. I've been through the threats, the missed visitations, the accusations, the why do I have to pay, the court visits, the job Joplin SOB who gets away with it. I like to consider myself as a source of advice for other women. Yes, being a SP is hard, but it's doable. In a lot of ways, I think it's very rewarding. DD and I are as close as we are because it's just us. I want women to know and see that.
I also want women to know that just because thing are tense now, doesn't mean it can't get better. It took 12 long years, but DDs father and I are really good friends now.