Children in the delivery room?

lalyssalou · February 2012

Since a week or so ago when someone opened their mouth to our kid that she is essentially adopted, we've been putting in extra effort to make SD see that she is wanted here and that she is part of our family, even if not biologically. The topic of her being in the delivery room has been brought up before, but it's been more on the table the last few days.

It would be a neat experience for SD (she's 8), and if it's something she really wants, I would feel bad about excluding her from it. SD is still on the fence about if she wants to see it or not. One moment she tells me she's excited to see her brother come out, and the next moment she says she is afraid she will get scared to see it. I don't know how I feel about it, either- and since I'm not her "real" mom, I'm always worried about doing something inappropriate that could hurt our case when we try to make the adoption official- like having all my goods out on display. Obviously there's nothing sexual about delivering a baby, but a mean spirited lawyer could twist it that way (or maybe I watch too much TV!).

SO! In general, what are your thoughts of children in the delivery room? Would it be a hindrance to the delivery staff or a distraction to my labor to have SD in there, or would I be depriving her of the ultimate bonding experience if we didn't bring her along to the hospital? Is age 8 an appropriate age for witnessing a delivery? Is anyone else considering bringing their kids into the delivery room?

brittanyr23 · February 2012

My niece is five and will turn six in April and she is very grown up for her age. I am going to allow her to come in the room to visit me because she is my first niece and I am super close to her but I would never want her in the room while I deliver. Eight is a little bit older but I could not imagine being in the room when I was eight. I still have yet to see a delivery at 24.

tiffanythompson2407 · February 2012

If there is another adult there so if she gets scared or whatever they can take her out it shouldnt be a problem. I am having a CS and our 3yo is so excited. We know the sex but have not told anyone, so our 3yo will go with daddy to the nursery and be the first to see his baby and then he will go out and tell everyone what he has either a brother or sister. He is obviously not allowed in with me, but this is how we are including him.

I hope everything works out for you.

lindseypraino · February 2012

I think it is wonderful you are thinking about ways to include your daughter in the process. As a school psychologist, I think developmentally 8 years is way too young to be in the delivery room. You have no idea of what kind of shape you will be in during delivery. I suspect your OBGYN and your daughters pediatrician would say the same. There are many ways to help your child feel included as a big sister following the delivery at the hospital and when you bring the baby home. At 8 years she is the perfect age to be mommy's "little helper." They often have big sister t-shirts at the hospitals to help your daughter get started in her new role.

MomOfTwo2012 · February 2012

No judge would ever hold it against you for allowing her to be in the delivery room with you. I think she's old enough to handle watching a delivery if you prep her well enough for it. Explain to her the things she'll be seeing and hearing. I would also recommend that you have another adult in the room, or in the waiting room, who can take her out if it becomes too much for her. FWIW I was ten and witnessed the birth of my little sister. When it became too much for me I would simply turn and look out of the window.

Kristinmo · February 2012

MomOfTwo2012:
No judge would ever hold it against you for allowing her to be in the delivery room with you. I think she's old enough to handle watching a delivery if you prep her well enough for it. Explain to her the things she'll be seeing and hearing. I would also recommend that you have another adult the room, or in the waiting room, who can take her out if it becomes too much for her. FWIW I was ten and witnessed the birth of my little sister. When it became too much for me I would simply turn and look out of the window.

All of this. I would reccommend showing her birth videos (maybe even birth scenes from the Buisiness of Being Born) so she knows what to expect.

SweetBaby2004 · February 2012

I can't imagine a judge holding that against you, but I am not an expert. I also don't know your DD, so I am not sure how she would handle it. If you and DH decide to have here there, I like a previous poster's suggestion of having another adult (other than DH) who can take her out if she wants to leave.

DD#1 is 7, but I am not sure how she would handle me being in pain and I do not want her in the delivery room. I have had very easy deliveries with my other children (knocking on wood for a repeat) but I do not want her to see that and I am not sure she would want to either.

How we have included our children when we have a new baby (and worked really well):

-DH goes home to get them (DD#1 is 7, DS is now 5 1/2, and DD#2 just turned 2) and has them help us bring baby home and introduce the baby to whoever is at our house (who ever has been watching them for us while we are at the hospital).

- Make a big deal out of how they are helping us by getting a diaper, talking to baby softly, getting him/her a toy, giving gentle kisses, etc. No matter their age when a new baby has entered our family, we have asked them to help in some way and praised them/thanked them for helping to take care of the new baby.

mrs.gee · February 2012

It is great that you are so committed to including her, but IMO 8 is way too young to be in the delivery room. She will never be able to "unsee" the delivery, even if she thinks she's ok with it at the time. Also, how many people are you allowed to have in the delivery room? Even if they allow your SO *and* SD, they may not allow yet another adult to chaperone SD and take her away if she gets freaked. And then what if she does get freaked - with a new baby and the craziness of post-delivery, is she going to get the attention she needs to process that? She could wind up feeling more alienated in the end.

I think PPs have good ideas on how to include her appropriately. I also hesitate to predict how a judge would react, unless any of the PPs practice family law.

FinallyMrsBMW · February 2012

I personally think that 8 is a little young for witnessing a birth. I think it would cause a lot of confusion at that age. Our hospital does not even allow any children under 12 to be in the room and I am completely fine with that.

kiarstin · February 2012

Deliveries are long and boring, I could see it being really really boring for her. I in no way find it inappropriate I jus think most kids wouldn't want to sit through it and could cause more stress as you have to entertain them. My sister gave birth at a birthing center in a 3 bedroom house. Her kids were in and out of the room throughout her birth, they were unfazed by the whole process. When bailey came in to see her brother come out she was almost 4 her response " Ew mom your gross" and walked out continuing to eat her pudding cup. 8 is older but still just a kid.

Irisheyes1247 · February 2012

I think it would be ok to have her in the room if she wants to be included, but I would try and prepare her with some videos and say, "Mom is going to be hurting and maybe making some noise, but it is ok" and give her the option that if she wants to leave, that it is ok with you. I wouldn't imagine that someone would hold it against you, but I am certainly no expert.

addison_clark · February 2012

I think the first thing to check is your hospital policy. Our hospital does not allow children in the delivery room during delivery. In addition to that, I do not think an 8 year old is mature enough to handle witnessing a birth on her own. If she is in the waiting room with another adult, she could have the honor of announcing the sex and name to other waiting fmaily members. Or she could be the first to hold LO, there are many other ways to make her feel included.

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