Tricky situation

torneen · February 2012

So... my in-laws are all apparently planning on coming (flying across the country) for the birth of our baby. Sounds great, big celebration and all. But not so much. I have this horrible feeling that at least my mother-in-law and sister-in-law think that they are going to stay in our house. Ummmmm NO. We live in a tiny two bedroom condo with two cats and a dog. One bedroom is ours and the other's is for the baby. There is just enough room for us, and really no guests. But my in-laws don't have a lot of money... so I think that they assume we will make room for them. I would rather have my husband call them and tell them the situation and that they need to stay in a hotel if they are coming out and understand that our house may be off limits at times so we can bond with our new baby. Or maybe they should just wait until a few weeks after the baby is born so we have time to adjust. But this is a hard topic to bring up with my husband as well because he already feels isolated from his family beause we are so far away. I don't want him to think that I am saying "they can't be here"; just that this is a special time for US and we need OUR space while we bond. Any advice on how to approach this?

SWBs Wifey · February 2012

Can you request that only a certain number of people come at once? When DS was born, we made a rule that no more than X number of people could stay at our house at one time. DH's family (at the time) had a habit of all visiting at one time and expecting to stay with us. Not cool once we had a baby to raise. The first few visits MIL made, she made alone, and then she'd bring one SIL and her kids, then the next visit, the other SIL with her kids (although in that case, my niece didn't want to come at the last minute so it was just three of them). I was still very flustered when MIL brought SIL1 with both the little girls at once, but there wasn't much of a way around that at the time... just... the way it was. I pretty much said, "You're all sleeping in one room... no one is giving up their bed while we adjust to having a new baby around" So... if they couldn't fit in the guest bed or on the floor in that room, they couldnt' come.

Monicagail1 · February 2012

Ugh, family's always tricky. I definitely think it would be better to try to approach it now, so that if their feelings get hurt at least they'll have awhile to get over it.

I would probably just have your husband ask them where they plan on staying, or if they'd like his help finding a hotel nearby. If they press about staying at your house mention that with the baby's arrival you'll no longer have a guest room, and that they might be a lot more comfortable in a hotel. Also, by getting it out of the way now it will give them some time to save up $ for a hotel.

mnb311 · February 2012

totally agree with you! the day of birth should just be between you and your husband, until YOU are ready for people to come visit. I would be pissed if my in laws invited themselves especially to stay in our home- its going to be such a hectic time with lots of adjusting to do as it is. I think you should put your foot down, not to be crude but you're the one pushing a baby out of your vagina so you get to make the rules!

Both my family and my husband's family live in the same town as us so I'm afraid everyone's going to be showing up at our house all the time when baby is born so I have already told my husband, NO ONE is allowed in my hospital room until I say so and no one is gonna be coming to our house without letting me know ahead of time! Sounds harsh but I know I will need my private time.

torneen · February 2012

mnb311:

totally agree with you! the day of birth should just be between you and your husband, until YOU are ready for people to come visit. I would be pissed if my in laws invited themselves especially to stay in our home- its going to be such a hectic time with lots of adjusting to do as it is. I think you should put your foot down, not to be crude but you're the one pushing a baby out of your vagina so you get to make the rules!

Both my family and my husband's family live in the same town as us so I'm afraid everyone's going to be showing up at our house all the time when baby is born so I have already told my husband, NO ONE is allowed in my hospital room until I say so and no one is gonna be coming to our house without letting me know ahead of time! Sounds harsh but I know I will need my private time.

YUP! Exactly. Thank you for understanding everyone! My own parents live a half mile away and they are 100% on board with staying out of our space until invited. But that is easier for them because they are within walking distance. I am going to ask my parents if they can take in MIL and SIL while they are here, and anyone else who flies out needs to get a hotel. My house is very tiny and is in no way a hotel.

lalaluvsyou33 · February 2012

Do you have any other family that might be willing to put them up? I am lucky because my brother and SIL already had my MIL and her bf stay there for our wedding and they get a long very well and they have tons of room. My sister and her husband let my FIL and his wife stay at their house and my parents have extra room they are always willing to share. At least would give them options to stay for free and even gives the families some time to get to know each other better! You are RIGHT to demand your space, especially in the beginning, But maybe they aren't assuming you will put them up, sounds like you just need to talk to them. Don't be afraid, usually people tread lightly with us preggos and try not to step on our swollen toes! good luck!

stemms8810 · February 2012

If your MIL and SIL know you don't have much room at your place I am not sure why they think staying with you guys would be a good option. If I were them I would get a room at a nearby hotel instead without being asked to.

I think your husband she nicely explain the limited room in your house and maybe offer to help supplement the cost of the hotel?

FlickaSings · February 2012

I kinda have a similar situation except I would be in the shoes of your in laws. My boyfriend and I live in the Northern part of ohio while his mom and his sister with her newborn live in the southern part. Their apartment is small and we are ok with sleeping on the couch. We were very understanding about the whole situation and if they had asked us to get a hotel, we would have. I don't think they'll be too hurt by it, or at least they shouldn't. The only thing I asked from my boyfriend's sister was a clear answer whether or not they wanted us to get the hotel, mainly because I like having a plan. We also waited a couple weeks before we went down and didn't bring our dogs as we used to. I think people generally understand babies throw everything into chaos for a while and space is a nature thing to want. Good luck.

momhardy · February 2012

being a first time mom can be a little over whelming talk with your husband and tell him you'd like some time to adjust to being a family before getting bomb barted with company. Plus you have no idea what delivery will be like for you and recovery!? Maybe you can look around ahead of time and see about affordable places for the INL's to stay. Good luck, family always seems to have a way of throwing clinkers in things!

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