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Single Parents
Rambling intro about my situation...
I have lurked here for a while but just hadn't introduced myself. I love my birth month board, but I feel a little out of place there since everyone seems so happily married and life is wonderful. Sooo here's what brought me here...
I was with my child's father from 2004-2007 and he was an assho!e then, but mostly he was just immature and non-commital, not really abusive (probably because I never challenged him about anything back then..I was in love and afraid he would walk away if I did, so I kissed his ass) I finally grew a backbone and walked away. I never thought I would see or speak to him again. Then 4 yrs later, last January, he pops up out of the blue.... saying he still loved me, never got over me, apologizing, saying he made a mistake, saying he had changed, wasn't drinking anymore..couldn't live without me...you get the idea.
I don't know why I even agreed to meet him and hear him out...I guess just out of curiosity because I really had totally moved on. But I did, we hung out for a few weeks and he did seem like he had changed somewhat. Like an idiot, I slept with him, kinda to see if I still had any real feelings left for him...wouldn't ya know I'd get pregnant from that first time! He was ecstatic.
I can't say it was a mistake because I know that this little angel was supposed to be here and I have loved her from the instant I found out I was pregnant...but I was like, SH!T, I really don't even LIKE this MF very much anymore, much less, love him! But I decided to try and revive our relationship for the sake of the baby.
For most of the pregnancy, he was on pretty good behavior, but I could feel something bad right under the surface, just couldn't put my finger on it. I didn't trust him because I know what an angry person he is and he blew up at me a couple times even though he knew he was on thin ice with me..of course he apologized, which is something he never would have done in the past. But my mama instincts were there though anyway...I was watching every little move he made and even told him he needed to get some help before the baby got here because I wasn't gonna have him cursing and raging around her. He said that he would.
Mostly, his rage was aimed at others...after she was born though, things changed really quickly. He was irrationally irritated with her almost immediately. The first thing I noticed a couple weeks in was him getting angry because she wasn't latching on to her bottle and the nipple kept popping out of her mouth. He hissed at her, "what are you doing?!" Like she knows what she's doing?? Assho!e So most of the time, I handled the feedings after that. A few weeks later, he got mad at her because....get this...SHE POOPED IN HER CLEAN DIAPER RIGHT AFTER HE CHANGED HER... OMG...THAT DISRESPECTFUL 1 MONTH OLD INFANT!! She was a little fussy this particular night also and he was getting pissed...I watched him pick her up into the shake position in front of his face and ask her through gritted teeth "what is wrong with you???" I swear, I have never had a stronger, more sickening gut instinct in my life! I calmly took her from him and changed all of her diapers the rest of that night. The next day, he was still mad at her for "keeping him awake" and verbally said so, sort of jokingly, in front of my mother. I glared at him and told him not to say that again. That night, I told him he could sleep in another room and I would handle everything so that he could sleep. I think he realized I was actually not wanting him anywhere near her, but I didn't say that...yet..I was trying to figure out what to do and what was best for the baby...whether I should give him a chance to get help with his issues. All of this really surprised me. I was ready for him to turn on ME like he had done before, but I never thought he would be that way to his own child! He went to work the next morning and I didn't speak to him for a couple days (we didn't live together).
As soon as I confronted him about his anger toward the baby, BOOM! That's when he unleashed on me...everything he had been holding back for 9 months...screaming, calling me names, degrading me...all kinds of stuff that had nothing to do with the issue at hand! Good thing it was over the phone because he might have done something to me. (He's been violent with other girlfriends before) There are a lot of other things that set off alarms in my head but this was the major event.
I ended it right then. No way was I waiting around now for him to get help just because he's the father of my child. I've been there before...I do know ALL the signs of an abuser and the cycle of violence. I was just torn because I didn't want my daughter to have to grow up without a father...it is my job in life, however, to protect my little girl. There is no way I was going to put her at risk.
I just still can't believe that he is worse than he was 8 yrs ago, usually people mellow out with age. I'm just glad he showed his true colors before it was too late. I haven't seen or spoken to him in a month..he hasn't tried to see the baby since Dec. 30th.
He saw her twice after I ended it on Dec. 1st. He was here on the 30th for his 3rd visit, with his mother, and my mother was here too. I decided to clear the air while the most important players were present, because I know that he lies and I'm sure lied to his mom about the real reason we aren't together. Also, I knew that he couldn't be as nasty or hurt me if there were witnesses. Well, he blew a gasket again anyway...not as nasty or as loud, but he tried changing the subject matter again to deflect the focus off of himself and actually flat out lied saying he saw me grab my small dog by the leg and break it so she needed a cast..LOL. Idiot forgot that I lived with my mom when I had that dog and she knows the dog never had a cast on her leg! Ridiculous. Then he yells at his mother, calls her by her first name, to get her stuff so they can leave...he wouldn't let me finish what I had to say to his mom... and she seemed afraid of him so she did exactly what he said...he didn't want her hearing all shitty things he has done. I got most of it out anyway though.
I know I'm rambling...but that's basically where things stand at this time. I have no idea what he plans on doing regarding visits or anything. He has sent child support though, so far, which is good.
So Here I am 
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Rambling intro about my situation...
Please, please, please don't leave your daughter alone with him. I can't get the visual of a man holding an infant in the "shake" position out of my head. He only has to do it once to change her life forever. Any visits need to be supervised by you or your family, as it seems his mother is scared of him as well.
Good luck in journey ahead as well.
Thank you for your response. I can't get that vision out of my head either. I told his mother that too, that he only had to squeeze and shake her ONCE! She said "well, I know he would never hurt that baby...he's always been good with animals" etc. I then told her how I witnessed him throw his ferret across the room after she chewed a hole in his bed..then run over to pick her up, kiss her and apologize. He lied, said it never happened, and proceeded to make up the lie that I broke my dog's leg. My mom and I just looked at eachother like WTF?? He is crazier than I ever thought he was, and I know my intuition about what he might do to the baby was correct! I will fight as hard as I can to never let him be alone with her. EVER. Hopefully he won't file for visitation at all. Usually he's a runner.
ETA: I forgot to mention how big this guy is..6'3" prob 220, with massive hands...it was the most disgusting and frightening thing to see him holding our baby that way. Makes me sick to my stomach.
I would go further than that and try to get all visits professionally supervised since they will write reports for each visit that can be used in court. The situation with my XH is similar in that he was abusive to both me and LO. Seeing him become abusive to LO is what made me finally leave. I was able to get an OOP for me and LO and XH now has 2 hours of professionally supervised visitation per week at his expense (though it's rare for him to actually visit). I would be hesitant to have you or your family supervise the visits since your ex sounds like he could turn violent very quickly and if you do end up in court the testimony may not carry as much weight as a professional supervisor.
At the very least you need to document everything and you may want to contact an attorney to find out what your options are to ensure your and your LOs safety. Good luck!
This is so true...he has a hair-trigger, absolutely no warning. He can appear totally calm and the next second, completely flip. At this point, I really have no idea what he is capable of. I am certainly documenting everything and I moved back with my mom so that we won't be alone and vulnerable. God I pray that he just goes away...
Hi,
I'm on your birth month board and I also love that board, but I understand what you mean by everyone being happily married. I'm sorry to see you over here as well and thank you for sharing your story. I'm in the process of a divorce. The first thing I did was to make sure I get child support from him. It's taken so much courage and strength to be where we are today.
Your daughter is so adorable. I can't believe our kids are almost 4 months.
Hi!
I thought your siggy looked familiar! So precious
We are the strongest women, wish we didn't have to be, but it is what it is. It takes sooo much courage to walk...or run in some cases...and we are doing the best thing for our children.
I'm really sorry you have to be in this situation also, but we're going to get through it! The gummy smiles of our munchkins make the difficult times a little easier don't they
My ex yelled in my DD's face when she was just a month old. That, coupled with some other behaviours after her birth made up my mind to leave. It has been a tough go of things but I KNOW I'm doing the right thing. and YOU are too
Your little girl is precious!
That makes me sick...how can someone be so vicious to a tiny, innocent, completely helpless little being??? I just can't comprehend it. No doubt you did the right thing, I'm so glad you got out and away from him.
Oh, and thank you
She's such a sweet baby...I love her soooo much!