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moms of 2 - pls help?
DD2 is 2 weeks old today and I'm having a rough go of it when it comes to this transition from one kiddo to 2. I always feel like DD2 is missing out on some good mommy/daughter bonding, I feel very overwhelmed and I always feel at my wit's end w/ DD1. I also feel like DD1 is really getting the shaft even though I am making a huge point to sit and read with her/put her to bed/have one-on-one time w/ her, etc.
I feel like I'm just all-around not being a good mommy and it breaks my heart. AND, I have lots of help from DH and my mom who has been staying w/ us for the past 2 weeks. She leaves Saturday and I'm kinda freaking out about how I'm going to be able to handle everything by myself. DD1 was just diagnosed w/ strep and an ear infection and now I've got a nasty throat/cough virus that I'm trying to kick all on very little sleep b/c of newborn nightly feedings. So needless to say, the illnesses in our house are not making things too easy either.
I have had some super emotional moments - all stemming from my feelings of guilt or generalized feelings of being overwhelmed - but they are not frequent (maybe 3 times in 2 weeks). I don't think I've got PPD, but I do think I might have a hint of the "baby blues".
I guess I just want to hear that this is normal and that I will eventually feel a little more in control and I'll eventually feel like a good mom again. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. And if you can relate to my feelings, can you tell me when you started feeling like you had a better handle on things?
I'll probably DD this later.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: moms of 2 - pls help?
I can absolutely relate! My daughters are spaced about the same distance apart as yours, and I had many of the same feelings. I always felt like I was shorting someone. I think it is absolutely normal--you are still transitioning, not to mention your hormones are still completely out of whack. It's only been 2 weeks!
If I'm honest, it didn't get better for me right away. But it did get better! And it will for you, too, with time.
I know it's hard advice to take, but try to give yourself a break. I'm sure you're doing a terrific job. And most importantly, you're doing the best you can, and that's all your kids will ever ask from you!
it gets better, I promise!
Oh, honey, it's SO normal to feel that way!! Oddly enough, I felt like it was a bit easier to adjust after DH was back to work and my mom had gone home and life was more "normal". We started getting on more of a routine (a loose one, but still) and back to our usual activities, which greatly cut down the guilty feelings I was having about DS missing out.
What I did most often in the early days was wrap DD in the Moby and sit on the floor to play with DS. My mom had bought him a new toy he was infatuated with (those Duplo Legos - they come in pink!) so we'd sit and play and read and if I had to feed DD, I'd just do it on the floor beside DS. As I got more adventurous I'd put DD in the Bjorn and we'd walk over to the park. You'll get there, I promise, you're only 2 weeks in! It's all so new, still.
As for how you'll handle it on your own, I promise you, you'll do great. Get take out as needed, use paper plates and cups (sorry Earth!), let the dust gather a bit - who cares?! You'll get around to cooking and cleaning and doing all the fabulous things you used to do very soon. Just cut yourself a break, is what I'm saying.
You ARE a good mommy. Your babies are both fed and loved and in warm beds at night, right? That's all that matters in the end. That, and the fact that neither are going to remember any of this. My mom had a tough adjustment after my sister was born (I was 4) and I don't remember a damn thing other than that we laid on the couch watching TV a lot, which I thought was awwwwwesome!
Hugs.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
Totally normal and you'd be crazy if you weren't feeling any of those emotions. The adjustment period is hard. But, I think the biggest thing to realize is that your daughters probably aren't feeling left out by any means. Sure, it's a change but kids are resilent and they just accept it and go on with their lives.
Is your oldest in any sort of mdo or preschool? When I had my second, I too felt like she was missing out on the snuggles and bonding. I made it a point that while my oldest was at mdo(2 days a week) that those were her days and all we did was lay in bed, nurse and snuggle. I didn't care about the house, laundry, etc... During those few hours, it was all about her and I. I did the same with my third and I really think it helped me regain that sense of bonding. I did it for the first 3 months.
I think it gets easier when you feel comfortable leaving the house. Set up a simple park play date, go to a coffee shop, etc... somewhere easy and fun. The more you get out of the house, the easier it will become and your sense of normalcy(or "new" normal) will return.
Are you a babywearer? My moby, sling and ergo were my saving grace. In fact, they still are. When they were newborns, I would wear them all the time. That way I could go for walks, play outside or bake with my oldest. I felt like I was bonding with the youngest but still engaging the older one(s).
I wish I could say that it gets "easier" but I think you just adjust and find your groove. It's all about balance. Somedays we lay around and watch movies, other days my kids entertain themselves so that I can clean and do laundry and then there are the days where we play, go to a park, see friends, etc... It's all about balance and finding what works for you.
Hang in there! It's rough but, this too shall pass. Hugs!
Oh yeah I feel like I'm giving 1 kid the shaft all the time. I try to enjoy the night time feedings, b/c it's 1 on 1 time with the little one, and I try cuddle the big one while she watches tv if I need to feed the baby. When the little one was really little we would do bedtime right before we went to bed, so we could spend a little time with her, and not try to juggle 2 bedtimes at once.
It does get easier, right now DD2 loves to watch DD1, so I just hold her on my lap and play with DD1 on the floor
Hang in there, it'll get a little easier each day
You will definitely get into your groove and figure out what works best for you. Just leaving the house scared the crap out of me, but I forced myself to do it and it got better every time. I still have many challenging moments, so I can't say that it gets easier, per se, but it's a different kind of hard (if that makes any sense). And at least with #2 you don't have all the new mommy anxieties. You've got this, you can do it. Lots of ((hugs))
I'm so sorry you're having such a rough go of it. Just remember that you found your groove the first time around and you'll find your groove this time, too. The sickness thing is awful and will throw a kink into ANY family rhythm.
I really hope that everyone is healthy soon and you start to feel better soon!
Thanks ladies for all of the support and encouragement. It's just what I really needed to hear
To answer some of your questions - yes, DD is in MDO on T/Th, but since she has been sick she has not been going this week. I'm hoping that she returns next week and that should help things a LOT. I am really looking forward to the MDO days being my snuggle/alone time w/ DD2 as well. I found myself really sad today when DD2 fell asleep on my shoulder - I realized that I did that all the time w/ DD1 and it's only happened like twice w/ DD2 b/c I'm spread so thin and most of the time I'm holding her it's for a feeding or diaper change.
Also, I am a babywearer and I'm learning how to use the moby as some of you mentioned - for the very reasons that you guys mentioned too. I'm still not 100% comfortable w/ it though so I hope to go to a BW meeting again soon to make sure I'm doing it right and then I plan to wear DD2 a LOT b/c she really loves that.
And NoVA, you're right - this time around I definitely don't have all the new mommy anxiety when it comes to caring for a NB, so that helps a ton.
I too am scared to get out alone w/ 2 kids, but I know I will be able to do it. I felt the same way about DD1 at first and that definitely passed. I'm just so glad to hear that I'm not alone in feeling this way and that things will get better - and I'll feel more confident about everything. Thanks again ladies
I had a rough transition going from 1 to 2. I felt guilty, overwhelmed and on edge. It gets better! Having 2 young kiddos is HARD work! We still have our rough days but they are few and far between!
Cut yourself some slack & lower your own expectations. We can be our own worst critic. Get take-out, let your older DD watch TV, whatever you have to do to get by. You are a great mommy,you'll hit your stride in no time!
If you ever want to get together or want company let me know! I'm sure K and J would have a blast playing
Congrats and HUGS!
I'm not there yet, but I got to hang with a few ladies when they went from 1 to 2 and I think they really appreciated having a buddy to help wrangle the older one when out an about.
Maybe you and a friend can go do something together where she can help with dd1 as you get your bearings.
I'm super sad that I don't have that support system out here :
*hugs*
You'll be fine and telling me it'll all be ok in a 2 months
You've gotten some great advice, but just wanted to add one thought. On the weekends when DH is home, let him take your older child for some special daddy time so you are able to spend some 1x1 time with the baby. My DH does this for me so I can let the baby nap on me snuggle with me in the glider for a few hours. I feel like it's really helped me feel closer to my baby.
I have so been there, it gets better I promise. I had lots of the same feelings, and my older DD also got sick right when my husband went back to work so I hear ya.
Lots of good advice so far. I did lots of babywearing (it's the only way I survived being able to play with #1, and snuggle with #2). Definitely cut yourself some slack, and ask for help. I found getting out to meet friends helped, even if it was just to walk around the mall with the baby sleeping in the stroller.
Hang in there, totally normal, I promise!
Totally normal. The first couple months are rough. It's just survival mode. As long as very one is fed and (relatively) clean you're doing great! It gets so much better and you'll looks back and laugh. ;-). promise!
Eeveryone has given great advice. Just wanted to say I felt exactly like you for awhile but it's already so much better.
. Hang in there and hope everyone feels better soon!
Dx with endo & blocked left tube - TTC #1 for 29 cycles before miracle BFP, #2 - Surprise!!
My TTC/PG blog / Panda Phenomenon Explained
You've already gotten some great advice, just wanted to let you know that you are not alone, and that your feelings are totally normal. Sleep deprivation and illness makes getting used to having two littles so much harder. Hang in there mama!!! (((HUGS)))
I am certain it is normal and everything that you are feeling is a rush of the emotions. As you know, things were very different when DD#2 was born, so I am not sure what it would have been like. But I vividly remember around when DD#1 was 10 days old that I felt emotionally overwhelmed.
You are a great mother and this is a very short time period in the grand scheme of things. It will get easier!
Thanks again everyone. You've all helped me to feel so much better. I think it will help me to feel a little more in control when I've got all these crazy illnesses taken care of.
One doctor's appointment today for DD and one more tomorrow for me and hopefully we'll all be on the up-swing soon.