DH and I are talking DE...again

BeckyP005 · February 2012

I'm sure you all think I'm crazy. One minute it's yes..next it's a no. DH and I actually REALLY talked last week. He has seen how upset I've been and decided to try to make my dream come true. As of now I am just doing all the basics required before DE. This will buy me some time while I figure this out. I just didn't want to waste time.

Believe me I sometimes think I'm crazy. I will be 44 in May. Some people will say age doesn't matter but it does. I have plantar fasiitis and had laser done on my legs for my veins that were making my legs hurt. I'm tired now after a 11 hr day and my feet and legs are always aching. Can't image raising a baby at 45. I'm not trying to whine just trying to be realistic for myself. If we lose the $? Guess we will be ok. Just feel I might regret this chance. Still alot to think about.

I ditched my therapist...way too negative for me. Whatever decision I make I think I will be ok. I have too...right? Thanks for all your thoughtful comments. Not sure where I belong right now.

BeckyP005 · February 2012

I'm sorry. I hope you ladies don't take this like I'm bragging or something that I get this chance again after coming on this board and crying and asking for help on how to deal with all of this. Maybe you don't even care which is fine.

Just wanted to say I might leave for awhile but hope you take me back if I decide not to go on with the process. Maybe I should stop typing

hollymichael · February 2012

That's great Becky! I am glad your DH is coming around.

I wouldn't worry about your age. I have several friends who had kids in their early 40's.

Best of luck to you!!

BeckyP005 · February 2012

Thanks Holly

sillygirlio · February 2012

I don't think it's bragging... going back and forth in the "resolve" department is part of being CFNBC. Sometimes it takes a long time to figure out what you're actually going to do. Good luck!

MrDobalina · February 2012

I know I"m late to this conversation, but we don't want you here anymore than you want to be here. If everyone else gets some kind of miracle and I"m the only one left here w/o a kid, I'll turn out the light when I'm done.

I hope for all of you this is just a temporary permanent.

gabbylucy · February 2012

Becky, I am new to The Bump -- I joined just now after reading your post so I could reply to you. I am 48 years old and a mom to twin 3-year-olds (my only children). DH and I married when I was 43, and we immediately started fertility treatments (knowing that we were unlikely to conceive any other way). I was sure we would conceive with my eggs if we tried enough times and prayed hard enough. But after five unsuccessful rounds of IUI and two unsuccessful rounds of IVF, no such luck. I felt defective and so very sad. I'd told DH from the start that I didn't want to go the donor egg route. I was afraid that any children I had using donor eggs wouldn't fully feel like mine. I asked my youngest sister if she would consider donating her eggs; she said she wasn't comfortable with the idea. Which left adoption or DE. While we looked into adoption, I started to quietly consider DE. Didn't even discuss with DH at first. Just started to imagine what it would be like to be a parent via DE. The fear was still there, but I realized that love would trump the fear. Started to discuss with DH, and then we decided to try. We signed a shared risk agreement with our clinic, so we knew that if we tried 6 times (3 fresh, 3 frozen), we would get our money back. It is strange to read bios of women and imagine that one of them may be the reason you have children. Which one do we choose? Oh, which one? Such a momentous decision. Our first donor's eggs resulted in several embryos. First try took, then a miscarriage after just a few weeks. Second try with frozen embryos didn't take. Clinic recommends trying a new donor. We do. There are 18 embryos on day 1 and just two left on day 5. We implant two, knowing that we have a 70% chance of having at least one baby. I become (and stay) pregnant with two. Thoughts of DE move from fear to gratitude to joy. I loved being pregnant, feeling and watching my belly grow. Made it to 38w1d. One of life's best moments: seeing their faces appear over the C-section curtain. Son was breathing like a fish out of water. Oh my God, you are mine. And I get to know you and watch you grow. Daughter makes a perfect O with her mouth ... she must know her name is Olivia. Oh my God, she is mine. And I get to know her and watch her grow.

I love being a mom. It is also the hardest job I've ever had. My children are bright and healthy and happy. They just keep getting more amazing! They'll be at a stage, and I'll think, "It couldn't get cooler than this." But it does. I feel lucky to be a stay-at-home mom, but oh, sometimes the days are SO long. I feel 100% their mother. The fear is gone. I think of the donor a few times a week and send a prayer of thanks her way.

Throughout my 30s, with every passing year, I worried more about not getting the chance to be a mother. I was single, dating, but never meeting the right guy. I'd do the math all the time: if I meet Mr. Right tomorrow, the soonest we would ever get married is X date, and the soonest I could have a baby is Y date. Then I stopped doing the math, because it got too depressing. I KNEW I was supposed to be a mom, though. By the time I reached my 40s, I tried not to think about the odds and instead focused on the fact that every time I truly set my mind to accomplish something, I succeed.

Being a mom over 40 has its plusses and minuses. I am smarter and more mature than I was in my 20s and even 30s. But I'm slower. I don't particularly want to climb up the 50' winding rope staircase on the climber at the park. Sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. In the last three years, I've been asked half a dozen times if I am their grandma. Sucks every time, but oh well. My feet sometimes hurt at the end of the day -- and almost always, when I close their bedroom door after wishing them goodnight, I am mentally and physically ready for a break.

I believe I had the children I was supposed to have at the time I was supposed to have them. I wouldn't change a thing, and I am so excited to see how life unfolds in the years to come. If parenthood is what you want, Becky, I hope it happens for you too, however it is supposed to happen.

BeckyP005 · February 2012

gabby...thank you for your thoughtful comment. I hope it happens also It's nice to hear from other ladies that are around my age. Only I know how tired my legs and feet are now and thanks for being truthful on how tired you get..esp with twins! Good luck with everything.

NewMrs07 · February 2012

** siggy warning **

Really sorry to butt in here but I just wanted to tell you that I have a friend who's 49 and she had her beautiful daughter at 46, using DE and her husband's sperm. She looks much younger so I was shocked to find out her real age. She and her daughter make a great team. So don't let your age deter you from using DE, the success rates for DE are very high. Good luck!

BeckyP005 · February 2012

NewMrs07:

** siggy warning **

Really sorry to butt in here but I just wanted to tell you that I have a friend who's 49 and she had her beautiful daughter at 46, using DE and her husband's sperm. She looks much younger so I was shocked to find out her real age. She and her daughter make a great team. So don't let your age deter you from using DE, the success rates for DE are very high. Good luck!

Thanks

fitchickover45+ · March 2012

May I indulge you and anyone else who can give me some advice.

I am not married to my partner. He thought we could get pregnant naturally at 49. The Endo Dr finally got his head on straight. I've been telling him this for months and the a few sentences from some stranger and he finally understands. Uggh!

So, now my partner thinks DE is no big deal. And he thinks it's entirely up to me to get my head around the DE. He's ok with it and doesn't need to discuss it, and I should do what I need to do to get comfortable with it. Am I wrong in expecting my partner to work through this with me? He's the one who wants children - yes he thinks I can do a couple pregnancies with DE! I'm 49-50! Is he crazy or what? Shouldn't he have some pause that the child won't be genetically linked to me? Shouldn't I have some pause if he doesn't care about this at all?

I just don't understand how a man of 49 can believe that an accomplished honorable woman of 49 would get pregnant with DE out of wedlock. And that he would have nothing to do in making the DE decision with me. He also thinks pregnancy will be a piece of cake and that I can do it without him being around much. We have a geographic challenge in that he's starting a new venture in another state. He actually stated that he didn't see that he needed to be with me until the baby was born. What!!? I told him he should just use a surogate.

I think this is craziness. I have no one I can talk to - because he's talking so crazy I can't tell anyone I know. And because anyone who knows me knows I'm not the type to get pregnant out of wedlock and I don't do life changing things on a whim.

Help!

Reilly626 · April 2012

Siggy warning

Becky- I think you should try the DE. I feel it in your posts. And no you are not too old. Best of luck to you and your decision.

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