How do YOU deal with your child's issues?

Re: How do YOU deal with your child's issues?

• torrey111

  January 2012

  oh, man, so, I pretty much wrote this post a couple weeks back.  First, I'm sorry and I know how totally hard it is- on every level- emotionally, physically, and mentally.

  I also totally relate to your feelings about going to see someone.  It sounds great in theory, but in the reality of the everyday, would never work.  And on top of that, while we do have health care, we'd still have to pay for some of it and you know what, I would rather go out to dinner with my husband and foster that very strained relationship before I go vent to a stranger.

  Being subjected to not one moment of "free" time (showering or peeing, for example) is just such a cruel by-product of this life.  I think moms of all young children experience this, but for SN moms, it continues as they grow.  Not that my 8 year old DS is there when I use the bathroom, but the way we go about our day- with the constant reminders (I had to tell him 7 times this morning to get ready) feels like I have a baby that is just getting bigger.  In that sense, the never "just being" is draining and very frustrating.  Especially if you're one who enjoyed alone time before kids.

  I don't know what your family situation is, but can you call someone and have a very serious conversation about what the reality is and that your could use some help now and then?  Maybe if you communicate what is really going on they will get it and step up.  Sometimes people truly don't know how bad it really is.

  Try to not to worry about #3.  First, that little person needs to feel as much positive energy as possible and second, the future hasn't happened yet, so, let it be, as much as you can.

  Your H is most likely short with the kids because it is really hard and he may not have the equipment to deal with it.  It's a journey, and requires a lot of learning, and knowledge, and compassion and acceptance.  I know, easier said than done- I am trying for all of that now.

  You can do this.  We can do this. 

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• torrey111

  January 2012

  p.s.  Just curious- can I ask what are your 2 yo's speech issues?  My little guy just turned two and isn't really talking, at all, so I'm super worried. 

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• torrey111

  January 2012

  Tying this notion into your pride in home cooked meals, engaged mothering and a clean house I would caution you against seeing them and their development as one more reflection of your worth.

  This!  

  I have done the same thing- and you know what, I do take pride in home-cooked meals and a clean house.  In this too crazy paced life of modernity, it's a sign that I forego other things intentionally to concentrate on what I feel is important- and nutritious, home-cooked, unrefined food is one of them.  It's strange how it does in fact, tie into your own self-worth, but evidentially it does and is quite common with us moms. 

  I am constantly working on accepting my son for who he is and not what I thought he was going to be. 

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• duchess0727

  January 2012

  I understand what you are saying.  I have 3 kids and my husband and I both work full time.  I think what I've learned is that something has to give.  You can only do as much as you can do.  So if the house cleaning or the healthy cooking suffers for a little while, so be it.  You need to do what you can to make your life easier.  If you can afford it, try to find a babysitter at least for a couple hours a week so you can have some time to do something by yourself or just have some help at home so you can get on top of the housework.  If you need your family, ask them for help if they are willing.  We don't get many "offers" for help but if I really need it, I ask and they usually come through.  I also have some neighbors and friends I can turn to in a pinch.  Think about whether you have anyone like that. I know it's hard to ask for help but you would be surprised to see how happy people are to do that for you.  And please don't take the approach that taking time for yourself isn't good for your kids.  Trust me - it is the best thing for them.  It truly takes a village to raise kids.  You need to take care of yourself so you can be a good parent.  Good luck - it's hard work but you are doing a great job!

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• duchess0727

  January 2012

  And in answer to how I deal with it - I drink a lot of coffee and wine, I make sure to exercise because it makes me feel better, I limit my expectations of myself and my children, and try to focus on our collective happiness.  And to that point, I make sure I make time for my friends because that's what keeps me going - so I'm in a book club and we have girl's night every few months and my husband and I get a sitter so we can go out to dinner and talk without the sounds of 3 kids in the background. 

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• torrey111

  February 2012

  duchess0727:

  And in answer to how I deal with it - I drink a lot of coffee and wine, I make sure to exercise because it makes me feel better, I limit my expectations of myself and my children, and try to focus on our collective happiness.  And to that point, I make sure I make time for my friends because that's what keeps me going - so I'm in a book club and we have girl's night every few months and my husband and I get a sitter so we can go out to dinner and talk without the sounds of 3 kids in the background. 

  I drink lots of coffee and wine too!...a couple glasses before bed at night usually- anymore than 2 and I feel crappy the next day but for me, two is the magic number for relaxing, taking in the day, and falling asleep.

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• malcivar member

  February 2012

  JandBandB:

  Please know, that I would not change a hair on my kids body right now.  They are my heart beats....my air....my life.  I live each day for them....I just feel let down with the hand that I have been dealt....and I need to get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself.  Any advice or ideas as to how to deal...what gets you through it all?

  I forget who on this board once wrote that they commuted daily between the islands of hope and despair.  I can't think of a better description of our lives.  We love them to pieces.  We're so proud of them when they get a new ability even though a parent of an NT child would consider it par for the course.  And then when we realize that for other kids this is par for the course ... 6 months ago ... we rebel at our situations.  I recently (Christmas day) had a meltdown in the car with my husband and out of my mouth came "Why is this happening to us?!?!?  I hate this!!!!" and then came the tears, the guilt over what I had just said.  DH just held my hand and said "it feels better doesn't it?"  It was ok to be angry and disappointed and sad ... it was not ok to wallow in it.  He's taught me to take it day by day, milestone by milestone, so when DS called me "mama" at 27 months I was happy - did I worry about the fact that he was 27 months old? For maybe a hot second.  Then I asked him who I was again and he said "mama" and I just enjoyed the heck out of it.  

  Moral of the story- you're never going to 100% accept the hand you've been dealt.  Are there pity-parties in your future?  Probably.  Just don't let them take over.  And then come vent to us here.  :-) 

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

  
  

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• torrey111

  February 2012

  malcivar:

  JandBandB:

  Please know, that I would not change a hair on my kids body right now.  They are my heart beats....my air....my life.  I live each day for them....I just feel let down with the hand that I have been dealt....and I need to get over it and stop feeling sorry for myself.  Any advice or ideas as to how to deal...what gets you through it all?

  I forget who on this board once wrote that they commuted daily between the islands of hope and despair.  I can't think of a better description of our lives.  We love them to pieces.  We're so proud of them when they get a new ability even though a parent of an NT child would consider it par for the course.  And then when we realize that for other kids this is par for the course ... 6 months ago ... we rebel at our situations.  I recently (Christmas day) had a meltdown in the car with my husband and out of my mouth came "Why is this happening to us?!?!?  I hate this!!!!" and then came the tears, the guilt over what I had just said.  DH just held my hand and said "it feels better doesn't it?"  It was ok to be angry and disappointed and sad ... it was not ok to wallow in it.  He's taught me to take it day by day, milestone by milestone, so when DS called me "mama" at 27 months I was happy - did I worry about the fact that he was 27 months old? For maybe a hot second.  Then I asked him who I was again and he said "mama" and I just enjoyed the heck out of it.  

  Moral of the story- you're never going to 100% accept the hand you've been dealt.  Are there pity-parties in your future?  Probably.  Just don't let them take over.  And then come vent to us here.  :-) 

  totally!!

   

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