SS having trouble in school, WWYD?
sabrina69barnes
member
DH and I have SS and SD EOW, some holidays, and the majority of the summer.BM lives 2.5 hrs away. BM is a crappy parent but isn't bad enough that DFS will do anything or the court system will change our custody arrangement. SS is 7.
SS has had some trouble with his behavior at school the past two weeks. Last week he stole another boy's legos. Today he was sent to the office for stealing 3 extra snacks when he was suppossed to only take one and lying about it. There was something else last week but now I don't remember what it was. I do remember it had somthing to do with lying and stealing.
BM has talked to DH and SS's teacher. DH put in a call to the school but they aren't very good about communication and we haven't heard back. BM's attitude is basicly that the school and DH need to do something about this. DH did talk to SS about stealing and lying after last week but hasn't had a chance to talk to him about what happend today. DH and I will talk to the kids when they get in trouble at BM's house but we don't punish them for what happens there. I don't like the idea of them getting punished up to two weeks after getting in trouble. Rules also aren't always clear at BM's and we don't feel comfortable punishing them for either breaking rules that we don't agree with or may not have been clear to them or change depending on BM's mood. IMO she should be in charge of disipline in her home and us in ours.
Since these things are happening at school I do think SS may need a punishment here as well but I'm not sure what. I don't want him to spend all of his time here in trouble since we don't get much time with him. We also aren't sure why he is doing this. Like I said things aren't good at BM's. He may be acting out and doing this for attention but if he is craving attention from BM there isn't anything we can do about it. Things are consistant here but not at BM's and that is something else we can't do anything about.
DH and I very briefly thought about therapy but couldn't find anyone covered by our insurance who is open during our time. BM may take SS to a session or two but the fist time a therapist said anything that BM could take as the therapist not agreeing with the way BM does things 100% therapy would be over.
DH and I really aren't sure how to handle this. Any input and advise would be great.
Re: SS having trouble in school, WWYD?
Maybe socialization and behavior modification classes during the summer? I am looking into something similar for my DC (different circumstances - he is very poor at socializing with peers, shy, anxious, but the program covers a variety of issues). Mine advertised in a local "kids paper" (for parents to find activities, etc. for kids), but once I started asking around many local parents had heard of it.
If you are going to punish him at your home, I would talk to him and bring it up NOW (call him) so that he gets the connection between this current behavior and the punishment in two weeks. Also, his bad behavior is behavior at SCHOOL, which you should partner with the school with, not really behavior at BMs HOUSE, which is not under your control
Is there any chance she would give you guys custody during the school year if this continued if you gave her liberal visitation during breaks and you did the driving for her visits and she got to claim him on taxes, etc. Saying you make big concessions but get to be there for school? If you thought there was any chance at all she would then now would be the time to put it out there in a manner that you are not making accusations but sort-of offering to take the "problem" off her hands and let her be the "fun" parent?
Stealing at school and minor shoplifting around this age are normal. Don't think your SS is on the road to a life of deliquency. I would talk to him and find out specifically what he stole and why. Where is his head at? He may be trying to get attention or appear cool in front of his friends at school. Talk to him about why it isn't ok to steal and that it is unacceptable in the family and in the community.
As a consequence for his behavior, instead of punishing him, I would give him an educational experience. Take him down to the local police office to talk with an officer. That is what we did when we caught our son shoplifting. It left a huge impression and we haven't had any issues since. This way you can teach him without having to punish him for something he did two weeks ago.
I agree with PP about calling the school/counselor if you think they will do something constructive. However, my personal experience with how my kids school responds to issues has left me dissapointed on many levels (it sounds like you may have the same problem if they won't even call you back). Best of luck!
Thanks ladies. I didn't mean for this to be a post and run. I'm not sure if it's my computer on TB but the site hasn't been loading right for me.
SS has been spending a lot of time in the principals office and with the guidance counsler. When the counsler has asked him why he is stealing and lying his only response is "I don't know". The teacher did call DH back last night and apprently SS is getting in trouble more than we knew about. He hasn't gone to reccess in almost two weeks because he is getting in trouble everyday. After talking to the teacher DH did talk to SS and let him know that he will be punished here this weekend.
SS living here isn't an option. SS and SD are 10mo apart and very close. They would both be very upset if SS came here and SD didn't. The only thing we could offer to BM that might make her consider a custody change is to keep paying her the full amount in child support and we couldn't afford a change if we did that.
I do really like the idea of taking SS to talk to a police officer. I used to have to do custody exchages there with DS so I know most of them. I already called the police department and got to talk with one of the officers I really like. He lives close so he offered to stop by our house on the way to work this weekend to talk to SS.